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Super October 2020

Do i put my life on hold for my best friend?

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Emma, on October 18, 2020 at 9:51 AM

So we got married 10/03. My best friend got engaged in July. They are planning a May wedding. They haven’t don’t anything yet. They have to wait till November (financially) to book their venue, without even knowing if they’ll be able to book for May.
Me and my husband knew we wanted to start trying for kids shortly after getting married. My friend said to me “just don’t get pregnant before my wedding” at first I thought she was kidding but she’s said it multiple times. I can see where she’s coming from because she wants me to be her matron of honor (she was my MOH) and I guess that’d be a problem? I’m not 100% sure. If I were to get pregnant this cycle (unlikely) that’d be a end of July baby. I don’t think that’s to close to May. But it seems like she wants me to wait till they book a date and then, based off her wedding day, try to get pregnant. She literally told me “I mean it’d be fine if you were like 3 months pregnant but not 6” I’m so confused

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39 Comments

Super March 2021
Kimberly · on October 18, 2020 at 2:34 PM
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Your “friend” has no say in what you and your husband decide for your family. And honestly I would question the relationship I have with this person for even thinking it is remotely ok for her to suggestion you wait to get pregnant so that you won’t be pregnant at her wedding. Someone suggested to ask her what her reasoning is for asking you to wait, but the fact is it doesn’t matter what her reasoning is. She doesn’t get a say, it isn’t her life or family. She said “3 months pregnant wouldn’t be a big deal but 6 months pregnant would”, this clearly implies that she wouldn’t want you to have a big pregnant belly at her wedding. Not ok. Do what is best for you and your husband and if your friend can’t support your decision that is a good indication of how she views your relationship with her. Good luck on getting pregnant and congratulations on your marriage!
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on October 18, 2020 at 2:39 PM
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This friend is not much of a friend. Plan your family on your own terms. Your life does not revolve around her. I am disgusted she would even say such a thing. She wants to be the center of attention that day and doesn't want a visibly pregnant bridesmaid. Too bad. Life happens.
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Expert September 2020
· on October 18, 2020 at 3:10 PM
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No you should not put your baby plans on hold for your friends wedding. No one has any right to tell you when to do that and who even cares if youre pregant during her wedding? I’d reevaluate that friendship honestly
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Devoted May 2021
Jasmine · on October 18, 2020 at 5:12 PM
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So it’s non of your friends business when you and your husband start trying that’s a decision that is left up to the two of you. You can tell her that you guys need to do what’s best for two of you and if she doesn’t want you to be pregnant and in her wedding. You can lovingly bow out.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on October 18, 2020 at 6:18 PM
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All of this!!! I would remove this prob from your life- that is not only an incredibly selfish, self absorbed thing to ask (demand), but completely inappropriate!

That response really boiled my blood! I thought about replying to it because it is so unbelievably incorrect!! Saying that OP putting your life on hold is "dramatic" was so offensive!! It isn't dramatic- it's ACCURATE. She is literally being asked to pause her life!! I could write a freaking 10 page essay here about how terrible this is but I won't, I'll just say- no, OP, you don't put your life on hold. Getting pregnant can be a long and hard journey, or happen immediately! But regardless, you said you and your husband are ready and want to start trying now, start now! Other people's opinions and schedules do not matter!!
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Devoted October 2021
Adrienne · on October 18, 2020 at 6:24 PM
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Hey date twin! Congratulations on your wedding and best of luck on this new adventure your husband and you are on!

I would not wait around for your friend's wedding just to get pregnant. I find it a little offputting that she asked at all, probably because she's concerned you wouldn't be able to stand beside her on her day if you had to back out for some reason due to health. Either way, I would not wait and you don't need to tell her your business if you don't want either. What happens if, as covid has taught us, she has to postpone? Are you just supposed to wait around for her wedding to eventually happen, virus permitting, to start your family? Seems wrong to me.
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VIP October 2020
Samantha · on October 18, 2020 at 7:20 PM
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It is absolutely inappropriate for her to ask that of you. My sister was one of my bridesmaids and she was 8 months pregnant at our wedding. It made absolutely zero difference.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on October 18, 2020 at 7:42 PM
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I wouldn't put my life on hold for a wedding. Especially if your husband and you already made precious plans to start trying after the wedding
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on October 18, 2020 at 8:19 PM
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So we are supposed to get married in April now and my friend is getting married in October. We don't want kids right away but even if we did, I would probably wait a few months so I wasn't 6 months pregnant at her wedding. I do think it's considerate to offer to wait if you know there's an event it could interfere with. I would, however, find it strange if she point-blank asked me to wait.
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Super October 2021
Ashley · on October 18, 2020 at 10:14 PM
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Based on her comment saying three months would be okay but not six, it sounds like she’s worried about how you’d look in the pictures. That’s completely unacceptable and rude. Asking that of you and making those comments is inappropriate, and I’d be livid if someone said that to me. You absolutely should not even consider her a factor in when you have a child, regardless of what she thinks. She’s not helping to raise the child, so it’s not her business at all whatsoever. She’s being selfish and rude.
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Devoted August 2023
Hhh · on October 18, 2020 at 10:29 PM
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Agree that your friend has no place to ask you to delay pregnancy for her wedding; however, some of the earlier comments suggesting you have a heart-to-heart with her are good suggestions. Maybe she has no idea you are planning to try to soon and is just making silly comments. Maybe she is worried about losing her support system while wedding planning during all of this craziness or that she might not have you by her side on such an important day. Maybe she wants to try right after her wedding and secretly hopes you can be pregnant together. If she is really your best friend then this should be a conversation you can have.
The decision to get pregnant is a personal one between you and your husband, don’t assume the worst from her when she probably doesn’t know your whole decision process that you outlined above.
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Master 0000
Judith · on October 19, 2020 at 12:50 AM
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She needs to come down from planet princess or where ever and realize that what she has asked is considered totally rude. Your reproductive decisions are something not her business at all. She should not have asked anyone to be in her wedding party before having a date. Her faux pas, not yours. Many cannot travel in the last couple of months, or the first 1-3. But AFTER she gets a date, you can look at your hoped for or current pregnancy, and decide if you will likely be able to do it, or even want to do it. But your friend's wedding is not important enough for any one but her to plan her pregnancy around it. How arrogant she is.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on October 19, 2020 at 4:26 AM
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1. TOC is hard, and can take a while. (We started in January, got pregnant in May, lost the pregnancy in July.)
2. Uh, no, she cannot tell you when to get pregnant, even if she's your best friend, that's a WAY personal ask.
3. You do *what works for you and your husband*.
4. We have no idea what May is going to look like.
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Super October 2020
Emma · on October 19, 2020 at 8:19 AM
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My thing is that we don’t know if she’ll even have the wedding in May. They haven’t booked the venue yet
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Super October 2020
Emma · on October 19, 2020 at 8:25 AM
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The not knowing how long it will take is my biggest thing. There’s only about a 30% chance to get pregnant every month! And only 68% of women my age get pregnant within 3 months. And getting pregnant doesn’t mean I’ll actually carry to full term. I know getting a positive pregnancy test is only half the battle. I’m worried it could take us a few months and I don’t want to keep it pushed off
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Dedicated October 2021
Bethany · on October 20, 2020 at 11:46 AM
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The fact that she said it would be okay for you to be 3 months but not 6 makes it sounds like she cares about appearance. Because what's the main difference between 3 vs 6 months pregnant? The belly. I'm in my friend's wedding next March and she has told me in no uncertain terms that her MOH "better not be pregnant because I don't want a pregnant bridesmaid." This same friend will be my BM next October and she has said (also in no uncertain terms) that she intends to start trying for a baby as soon as they get married thus she might be pregnant for my wedding. Hypocritical much?
Now, I couldn't care less. But weddings can bring out some weird thoughts and emotions in people. If I was you, I would just keep quiet that you are actively trying and when you're pregnant, you're pregnant. If you wanted to you could always make it sound like "oops it just happened?!"
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Devoted October 2019
anna · on October 20, 2020 at 3:25 PM
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Wow, your friend is totally out of line. you should absolutely never be asked to "plan" getting pregnant around someone's life. pregnant bridesmaids are not a big deal at all! one of my girls was 6 months pregnant at my wedding. one of my cousins was also 6 months pregnant, and another friend was literally 3 days before her due date. it didn't "interfere" with any part of them enjoying our wedding!
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Dedicated October 2021
Courtney · on October 30, 2020 at 2:55 PM
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My best friend who is my MOH and one of our other friend's MOH was in the same position. My wedding was supposed to be in May, and she had planned to wait to start trying until after mine, but then was asked to be MOH in our friends wedding which was supposed to be this October, and she did not want to wait to start trying. Her daughter was 4.5 years old and didn't want a huge age gap between her and baby 2. Our friend had a terrible reaction to the news that MOH would be 5 months pregnant at the time of her wedding. It has driven the two apart, so much so that MOH wanted to drop out of her wedding completely.
It ended up that both mine and my friends weddings were rescheduled until next year (although we both got married this year). But because our friend made such a big deal about MOH being pregnant, there is so much tension and MOH wants to drop out of friends wedding completely.
Now friends wedding is rescheduled for August 1st 2021, mine is October 23rd 2021. I am 9 weeks pregnant, and when I told friend last week the first remark was "are you still gonna be able to be in my wedding?!" No congratulations or anything. I'm due June 4th, so i'll be about 8 weeks PP at the time of her wedding. I still fully plan to be in the wedding unless something drastic happens. I'm sure it will be the first time I leave baby for an extended period of time so I probably won't stay in the hotel as originally planned, but I was not going to put my life on hold for someone else wedding when things are so uncertain right now. True friends will understand!
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on October 30, 2020 at 4:12 PM
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Do not organize your family planning around anyone else's schedule ever. The fact that she even mentioned it is mind-boggling to me. Have babies when you want to have them
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