Do i ask a bridesmaid to step down?

If you ask her to step down, it will ruin your relationship.
Have you had a heart to heart with her yet? I’d think that’s the first step. Just explain how you feel and ask her if she’s doing ok. I would try not to tell her the Venmo issue because honestly she can spend her money how she wants and it will sound accusatory for you to say that.
Just make sure she’s doing ok, tell her that you miss her and want her there.If she’s a really good friend this shouldn’t be too hard of a conversation. Good luck!

I don't see any behavior that would warrant her being removed from your wedding party; that's really harsh. As the prior poster said, you may not like some of her financial decisions, but those are hers to make. I would just recommend you have a one-on-one conversation with her (NOT a group text) and see where she's at, and if she still wants to be in the bridal party. Take her out for coffee or something, and give her a commitment date to have the dress purchased by - I don't think that is unreasonable.

There are countless posts like this on WW because someone picked a bridesmaid too early or is fun instead of serious, etc.

Be aware that asking her to step down will end the friendship. Talk to her privately and go from there. But behavior patterns are always there from the beginning.

She sounds like she's not good with money. That can be annoying to deal with, but it shouldn't be the reason to cut off a friendship. Were you paying her to be your "proposal photographer" (I'm not sure what that is) and she cancelled the gig? Or did you ask a flakey friend for a favor and then your flaky friend was predictably flaky?

Look, I'm not trying to excuse her flakiness or lack of money handling prowess, but if she has always been this way, it's foolish to assume she will change just because you are getting married. People show us who they are and it's on us to believe them.

Clara,
Unfortunately, this is common There is bound to be that one girl in the group that starts to act different, not be present, have a million excuses... Just know that if you ask her to step down, you may ruin your friendship with her :/ Have you tried having a heart to heart conversation with her? Maybe she has something personal going on that you don't know because she never brought it up?

Hi Clara! This is just me, if I were in your shoes and this is a good friend of several years, I’d privately pay for her dress. Although I agree with you she should be more responsible with her finances and flaking out 3 days before such an important event as your proposal show undeniable signs of a temporary (hopefully not permanent) struggle with getting herself together.
To be fair, could she be paying for coffee for perspective clients or networking to find work? That would be reasonable explanation for the expenses.
I should add, there’s a difference with having the money and just being cheap or having a financial hardship. From what I can tell, sounds like she’s struggling. Food for thought - if the roles were reversed in the friendship, how do you think she would react? Hope this helps in your decision ❤️

It sounds like she’s being super clear... she doesn’t have the finances. And it’s super embarrassing to have to repeat that to someone. It’s embarrassing for some people to even attend a shower without a gift because they can’t afford it. It isn’t fair to judge what you think she may be spending via social media. Even if she spends $5 on Starbucks every single day, that could be the one thing she feels that she is able to still indulge in or feel normalcy. I encourage you to be empathetic towards what she may be going through, despite what you may think.

Coming from someone who has removed a bridesmaid from the wedding party, this is a tough one!

While I do agree that she sounds like she just isn't able to participate due to finances, I feel like that's something you take on when agreeing to be in someone's wedding. Even in weddings where the bride has bought the bridesmaids dresses, I've never agreed to be in a wedding and not expected to spend some money - when something like that is taken care of for me, it's just a treat.

In my situation, the bridesmaid was extremely flakey and even self indulged when it came to the wedding - she refused to buy the dress, not because of money, but because she didn't think it was flattering. And her flakiness was only after I got engaged - before that, she was a part of every event. Obviously, there were far more details for me that went into me removing her, but it was a similar situation!

From my experience, removing her is definitely friendship ending. Not only that, but if you're in the same friend group, it makes things a little awkward. SO, I would recommend talking to her first and seeing where her hurt was as far as being a part of your wedding - maybe it's just a misunderstanding and something that can be easily resolved. I think sitting her down and talking with her will tell you everything you need to know!

View Quoted Comment I agree with you! I love all the people in my wedding party very dearly but one is a bit flakey, and doesn't have much money to spare right now. I paid for her dress which makes her less stressed about money, and me less stressed about a dress not being purchased and potentially selling out. It's just the easiest solution all around and a long time friendship isn't worth ruining over a dress.

Definitely ask her to step down. How is $70 to much to handle? My girls will be paying almost $200 for their dresses. Wish we could have got lucky to only pay that much. And it’s not about gifts it’s about you having your friends with you at the bridal shower. I’m sure no one will even notice the fact that she didn’t get a gift. And gift cards work too, that’s always an option. And no one won’t even know how much is on the card to judge. I’m just saying it’s really no excuses.

We’re in a pandemic. It is extremely possible she is having financial trouble. Flaking on your proposal pictures if she said she was going to do it is rude. But honestly being in someone elses wedding is expensive. This past year I was unemployed while being in my sister in laws wedding and I was definitely stressed about buying a dress, shower gift, hotel for her wedding, giving her money at the wedding, possibly having to take off work if I got a new job. Is she planning to be at your wedding? That’s what you ultimately asked her to do, all this other stuff is nice if your bridal party participates but it definitely adds up for some people. Coffee isnt that expensive but it sounds like she considers your wedding an unnecessary expense. If youre prepared to end the friendship you can tell her shes out of the wedding.

She sounds completely financially irresponsible and flakey. Definitely not invested in your friendship if all she can come up with are excuses. That being said, you should definitely talk to her and see if there is a reason she is behaving like she is. A frank and open discussion could resolve some possible miscommunication between you two.


If you cut her from the wedding it will probably end the friendship and might tar some of your wedding memories. If you just buy the dress and let her stay in the wedding, you might still resent her for being flakey or she might surprise you and change her behavior.

My advice is, if you can afford it, just tell her you will pay for everything for her. (well, except for gas to get to your party, I think that's a bit much). If she is still being flakey, then consider whether her flakey-ness is due to personality or because she doesn't value her friendship with you.

One of our groomsmen is really REALLY disorganized and never responds to any messages or phone calls. But one of the sweetest and loving people we know. We were worried he might not turn up to the wedding because he is just THAT forgetful. But we would've never removed him from the wedding party because his forgetfulness is just a part of his personality.

If you think she's being flakey because she doesn't value your friendship, then think about whether you really want her as a bridesmaid. I mean, she'll be by your side on what's supposed to be the happiest day of your life. If you have her there and later regret it, it might taint some of your memories of the day. We got pressured into asking a family member to be a groomsman who we weren't really close to and didn't really like. We really regret it now. So yeah. But only you would be able to know what kind of friend she is.

Has she always sent money to others via Venmo?

If so, you asked a dear friend, who you know to be financially irresponsible, to be in your wedding - and now you're unhappy that she's being who she is. That's your bad.

No matter how you feel about the bridal shower, it is very embarrassing to be at a party that was created for the purpose of giving gifts, and not being able to give one. And bridal showers are to shower the bride - with gifts.

I also don't see where she's asking for handouts? She hasn't asked for you to pay for the dress, or for your other maids to chip in for her to get you a gift or pay her way to the bachelorette party. What handouts has she asked for? Are you not telling the entire story here? Or are you just assuming her saying she "can't afford" something is "asking for handouts"?

I find it odd that your question is "do I ask her to step down?" instead of "how do I talk to her about this?" when, from your post, it sounds like you haven't really done the latter.

So my answer is, no, you don't ask her step down. You sit down and have a real, genuine one-on-one heart-to-heart with her. If she's as close as your posts suggests, you should be able to do this earnestly. Keep the accusations or assumptions about her money and how she spends it out of it. Explain that her presence is important to you, but you're concerned and need to know what is going on - why she hasn't purchased the dress, and maybe if there is some way for you to make it more comfortable for her to attend the shower (such as having her organize games or something that doesn't cost, so she still feels like she's contributing). People will generally be open with you if you let them feel like they can be.

I would also be frustrated if someone kept spending on coffee but asked me for handouts. But where has you friend asked for a handout? Ultimately she agreed to pay for her own dress. She declined your shower because she didn't have gas or money for a gift. She declined your bach. She didn't ask you for gad money.


I get that on paper, she seems to be prioritizing coffee over attending your (completely optional) parties. She should not have flaked as your photographer, ESP if you were paying her. If you weren't paying her, she flaked on a favor, which is still inappropriate. However, during covid, we deal with our stressors how we can, and that may be buying coffee for others. A coffee is $3. This gesture may give her a sense of control over her finances.
If you want to end a friendship because your friend has poor financial management, then I say you're not much of a friend. I am presuming she flaked on your photography before you asked her to be a bridesmaid. So you already knew she had the ability to flake on something important.
Instead of kicking her out, I'd gently put the ball in her court and give her the option of stepping down.

Don't take this the wrong way but what she does with her finances is not any of your business. Give her a deadline with the dress and tell her if she doesn't have it by then that she won't be able to be a bridesmaid. I have a bridesmaid that is the same way with money. So once the bridesmaids dresses where picked I gave the girls a deadline for it to be ordered, I told them anyone who don't have the dress by the week of the wedding will be coming as a guest.


If you remove her as a bridesmaid this could very well be also a friendship ending move.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this as well

I would suggest asking her to step down in order to save yourself the heartache AND headache moving forward. If this person truly valued you and y'alls friendship, she would be approaching the situation a lot better. People are saying that if you remove her you could loose a friend, but if you keep her as a bridesmaid and her behavior does not improve, the friendship could be ruined anyway. This is her doing not yours.

Good luck.

Having read some of the other responses, I agree that it's time you had a one-on-one heart-to-heart conversation with your friend before you give her the boot. Given the current situation, it's highly possible that she is in fact having financial troubles. That being said, however, if being a bridesmaid means that much to her, she should be able to cut the necessary corners in order to be there for you. Ask her if she needs any help, and maybe offer said help to a certain extent. I don't know how close she is to the other bridesmaids, but maybe after you talk with her, you could talk with the rest of them to see if they can help her out, too. Asking for help, especially when that help is money, is a very hard thing to do, even with the people you're closest to. She may have issues with her own pride. She also may be concerned about hurting your feelings, which is why she's dodged you so many times, but again, if she really cares about you, she'll agree to sit down and talk. See where that conversation goes before you make the decision to redo your wedding party.

View Quoted Comment

This 100%.

Unexpected expenses also pop up, and Covid has been hard on a lot of people. Unless you've taken the time to really hear what's going on her life this is rude and unnecessary. Maybe she's maxed out cards that she planned to use to help pay for stuff for your wedding.

Like others have said, if you were paying for the photos that's bad form, and it's not great to flake even if you weren't, but again, things come up. If she's always been kind of flakey and you still asked her to do something big like that it's kind of on you and your expectations. If someone asked me to do something like that and I wasn't getting paid, I could see myself letting my anxiety get the best of me leading up to it and flaking out because I was scared I'd mess something up for my friends.