Divorced Parents. Help with Mother's Husband (invite or not).

I think you should invite everyone. Like you said, your dad needs to get over it. He is the one who stepped out on the marriage in the first place and you are *all* grown adults. After all these years he has no right to put you in that position. You said your step dad isn’t bad, just not your favorite. I do think it’d be wrong to not invite him as you know your mom wouldn’t come (sorta rightfully). This is messy and no one is completely right or wrong but your dad needs to get over it. If he can’t attend his daughters wedding without causing a scene (or threatening to) because of someone his ex wife married years ago - he needs some therapy and self work.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Weddings are hard enough to plan without also having to play referee to a couple of adult children. Frankly, I have no tolerance for nonsense. I'd invite Mom only and explain to Dad and BF that since they can't behave themselves, neither one is invited, That way, you aren't playing favorites, you're treating them both the same. Another option is to invite them both, with the clear understanding that as soon as they start up with any shenanigans, they will be politely asked to leave. Immediately.

I hope they agree to act like adults for the day, for your sake. Good luck to you!

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Thanks for your reply! This is not a bad idea. Lets say I invited them all, do you think it would be wrong to ask my moms husband not to attend if my dad choses not to come (out of respect for my dad)? I feel as though if I invited everyone my dad could potentially not come because he doesn't want to take any attention away from my FW and I, and feels he won't be able to attend without issues arising. It would kill him if my moms husband was there and he wasn't.

My fiancé and I are in a similar-ish situation where my fiancé has a very strained relationship with his half brother and we will not be inviting him and his family, his grandparents have threatened not to come if we don't invite them. We will sill be inviting his grandparents, but if they can't be supportive of our decisions and choose not to attend that is on them, not us.

You invite everyone because we are all grown adults, if they chose not to suck it up for one day to support and celebrate your and your fiancée that is on them and shame on them.

Maybe your mom's husband isn't a prince, but in this case, your father's behavior has been much more extreme. You can't invite someone without their spouse; you need to respect your mom's marriage if you're asking her to witness yours. Have an honest talk with your dad, telling him that the husband will be there and he needs to grow up and deal with it for one day. If he loves you, he should be able to do this for your sake.

I think, if I were you, I would talk to your Dad about it privately first. Explain your thoughts, and see if he actually wouldn't attend so he wouldn't take attention away from you. If this is his plan, then I would not invite either and make it seem like you planned it that way. Then, it takes the heat off your Dad, and doesn't make it seem as though it's his fault you didn't invite either, and you can say that you don't want to play favorites, so neither is invited. If he does want to attend, maybe go with my second suggestion, and make it clear that there will be no tolerance for either of them acting out and they will be asked to leave.

Your Mom may not like it, but she made it pretty clear that you should treat them both the same. If she wants them both invited, then she should understand why you might also go with not inviting either, The three of them are ones making this all so difficult. Hopefully they can learn from past mistakes and deal with it for one day for your sake.

Invite them all but make it clear that if either one of them looks at the other funny, they will be asked to leave. May even be worth looking into hired security so you won't be the one dealing with it. I would have serious problems with everyone involved moving forward if they didn't respect you enough to act like adults on your wedding day.

That is definitely a tough situation. But TBH either invite them both or neither of them, or it is going to cause more issues. If I were in your shoes I'd consider not inviting any of them and being honest about why (that you aren't going to play favourites and choose who is invited, but you also aren't willing to provide a space for a scene to happen)

See if each side would separately want to have dinner or something to celebrate you and your spouse at some point after the wedding day. The drama isn't worth it.

So your dad
- cheated on your mom
- tried to get your mom back after she started seeing someone else- threatened her new partner and was arrested for it- left his own son's wedding because he couldn't behave himself- refuses to attend his daughter's wedding if his ex's new husband is there
Your dad is completely, totally in the wrong here. He is incredibly selfish and immature and I'm surprised you'd even entertain this ridiculousness. Your dad needs to put himself aside for one day for the sake of his kids' weddings. Invite your mom's new husband as is proper etiquette. If your dad chooses not to attend, then that just reflects poorly on his character. This is absolutely unbelievable. Terrible behavior.

Sorry, I missed that you're the groom. That's what I get for not reading closely enough!

View Quoted Comment Agree with all of this.

View Quoted Comment I agree with all of this. I'm sure there's more to it, but from what you described, your mom's husband hasn't actually done anything inappropriate (who wouldn't tell the guy trying to get back with your partner to "pound sound?"). Your dad, on the other hand, has done multiple inappropriate things and continues to act like immature and entitled.

I've been thinking about this and the more I think about it the more concerning it becomes. Your dad has a very "if I can't have her no one can" attitude toward your mom and he has made threats to them in the past that resulted in an arrest, and he also threatens an altercation if he sees your mom's husband at the wedding. Quite frankly I'm surprised your mom doesn't have a restraining order against him. He sounds dangerous.

I get that you have a good relationship with your dad, but the fact is this: he is the aggressor here, 100%, both to your mother and her spouse, and to you.

Your father is trying to force you to be disrespectful to your mom. While it's obvious he doesn't respect her, that doesn't mean you should treat her the same way.

It is rude to invite someone without their spouse. And if you do this, your mom is right to decline attending and you deserve for her not to be there, quite frankly. You are blatantly and publicly disrespecting to her in front of all of your family and friends. She isn't refusing to attend if your dad is invited, which would be childish, she's refusing to attend if her husband isn't - and that is absolutely the correct response here.

It doesn't matter how you feel about the guy. He is your mother's husband. You, as her child, owe her the dignity and respect of her partner being invited. It isn't her fault your dad was screwing around on her with his best friend's widow.

You need to invite your mother's spouse, and you need to tell your dad to stop trying to strongarm you into disrespecting your mother. And that is exactly what I would say: "you are trying to force me to disrespect mom by refusing to attend if her husband is invited, and that's wrong of you. He will be invited, as per proper manners and respect, and that is the end of the discussion. I hope you still choose to attend."

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There is a bit more to it than that. I would say more emotionally distant from my mom (emotionally cheating?) and basically had a full blown midlife crisis when his best friend died. He says he never cheated nor would ever cheat on my mom, but basically didn't make the time needed for her either. Not trying to make any excuses for him, he was totally in the wrong in treating my mom that way, but it's also not as cut and dry as you want to make it seem. Additionally my moms husband has constantly continued to drive the knife in and twist with anything regarding my dad, he eggs it on and seems to enjoy seeing my dad suffer his consequences. Due to this being my moms husband's kind of personality nobody likes him, my mom has lost countless friends because they don't want to be around him and the few that have stuck around for my moms sake won't even go over to my mom and his house and would rather meet out at a restaurant or something. I will also add that my sister is also getting married a month before me, and being in the exact same situation she is not inviting my moms husband to her wedding. She is also a bit more of a daddy's girl, and I believe is in a totally different situation with my dad walking her down the aisle and all of that, so I respect her decisions even if I decide to do things differently. From the sounds of things and consensus of everyone it will probably be the right thing to do to invite everyone and tell my dad that he's going to have to try his damnedest to bite the bullet and be on his best behavior. The situation sucks, I absolutely love my mom and dad it's just too bad they can't be more mature about everything.

View Quoted Comment Is your mom going to your sisters wedding?

I feel if people truly can not be trusted to be civil, it unfortunately has to fall on other adults to manage the situation.
Someone is going to have to miss the wedding. You and your fiancee are going to have to decide who that will be, and live with the consequences.
It’s very sad that grown adults can’t agree to occupy the same room for a few hours to make a big moment for their children. I had an incredibly bitter divorce. I do not like my ex and the woman he left me for one bit. But I still went to graduations, etc with a smile on my face for my children. In your situation, of my child asked me to not bring my husband because it would upset my ex, I would comply, but I would feel sad for my child, that they felt they had to pacify him. And it would for sure change the way I handled any family gatherings in the future.

It is really sad that two grow adult men can't be civil for one day. I think they are both in the wrong, but I can understand why your mom wouldn't want to attend without her husband. If it were me, I would have a very serious conversation with both of your parents. They shouldn't be putting you and your fw in this situation nor should they have put your sister and her fh in the same situation.

I agree with the people who say to invite your mother’s husband. I think significant others should always be invited and if you’re asking your mother to respect your marriage, you need to respect hers. I also agree that your dad sounds a bit dangerous if he’s the one insinuating that if he goes to the wedding, he’ll start a fight if your step father is there. I’m sure there is more to it, but from what you’re mentioned, it sounds like your dad needs a very firm talking to about what is and is not expected from him. And you need to do the same to your mother and her husband. I say invite everyone.

My husband and I were in a similar situation but with my BIL and MIL (my husband’s step mothers). My MIL hates my BIL to the point where they cannot be in the same room without her making a scene all because my BIL sided with his mother in the divorce, not his father. My BIL could care less and can go and act cordial but if she starts a fight, it’s likely he, or my husband, will end it, making our night completely ruined. We ended up inviting both of them in hopes they could go and act cordial with each other, but my MIL and FIL both said they aren’t coming because of covid (aka because BIL is there). Mind you, this was their excuse for our “minimony” last year, and that did make sense (kind of- bc BIL wasn’t there for that), but not now. So now I’m realizing they are really just unsupportive of their son because they’ve chosen twice now not to come, but in the end, I’m so happy they aren’t because I just don’t want drama on our big day that’s been postponed 3 times now. You are totally in a pickle, and I hope you find the best solution. Ultimately, I would invite all and let the chips fall where they may - they are adults and should act accordingly. It’s life.