Divorced parents at the rehearsal dinner?

Whoa, no way should she be sticking YOU in the middle of that. I would say, as respectfully as possible, that if she wants to make that a thing, that needs to be a conversation between her and your fiancé.

First, tell FI, and have him ask his Dad, does he really want to have dinner with the wedding party, or would he rather just see everyone at the wedding? Because it is worth fighting for, if Dad wants it. But if he likes dealing with his ex as little as she likes him, he may have been dreading a small rehearsal dinner. No point fighting for him, if he would rather not go and is just going to please his son. He will see the rest of the family for hours at the wedding. Hanging out before and after pictures, in the getting ready process, then the whole reception. If he is only going to make son happy, let him off the hook. Say it is mostly your young friends, plus his wife, and he may not want to go. Lots of times, family has enough in a short time, and does not give a hoot about the RD. So before dealing with mom, ask dad.

Oooof. And what's this "don't tell fiancé" business, it's really just setting you up for disaster. This is definitely a decision you should make with your fiancé, and if you try to make it without your fiancé, it will most definitely backfire. Also, FMIL can use you as an excuse "but Heather said it was okay!"

I would encourage you to either tell her that she should discuss it with your fiancé, or tell your fiancé. Whichever you think is less risky.

Telling you to keep secrets from your fiancé is the last thing anyone should be doing. If she wants to make an absurd request like that tell her to go talk to her son and not you. I would've noped right on out of that.

I think you should tell her is not right to put you in the middle of that decision. Is not ok for her not to invite his dad. Then tell FI and let him deal with it. I think she should get over herself because fiancé’s dad and girlfriend would be at the wedding anyways.

That’s tough. I absolutely agree with you and think that’s not right. I would probably say to her something like “Hi, X! Thanks so much for reaching out to me about this. I don’t feel comfortable keeping this from “x”. Can we offer to pay for his and guest seat? It would mean a lot to “X” to celebrate with both of you” granted that’s if that’s all true but Tell her you’re feelings and I would take to your fiancé

I think you need to stick up for your FH and his father, at the risk of her not paying for the rehearsal dinner. Because it wouldn't be right not to invite your FH's dad based on FH's mother's feelings towards him. Find a polite way to say "I understand your feelings, but this is supposed to be a joyous time celebrating a big commitment me and FH are about to make, so his dad should be there."

Ugh. Let her know that you will be telling your fiance. Then have a discussion with your fiance about this. I would also be very clear with her that if she wishes to do this, she will need to incite your fiances dad.

My parents are divorced. It was not a good divorce yet it was over 20 years ago and my dad is on wife 3. My mother has never really dealt with it, she poured all she was into taking care of us kids and harbours a very unhealthy amount of hate toward him. Before we started planning we had a discussion and it needed to be re-visited several times during planning... I told her that she can invite a few friends and should use her friends, therapist and whatever other supports she wants to deal with the involvement with my dad but that I would not hear any of it. It is not appropriate or fair to be snotty to me about my dad because he is my dad and I expect them to both be adults and be able to manage their feelings about each other without making me have to manage them. It sounds like your fiance needs to have a similar conversation with his mom.

I feel him. It sucks and it is hard but parents know this day will come and I firmly believe they need to be able to be adults and be not aggressive and bringing their children into their feelings about each other during the wedding.

Not incite... invite. It's a rehearsal dinner. There are certain key people who are supposed to be there....

View Quoted Comment Exactly this. Step one is tell your FH about this. As for divorced parents, both my FH and I are children of divoice. His parents get along fine, mine...not so much, BUT as far as I care they can just deal with it. It's your wedding now is not the time to let bitterness between divorced parents get in the way of the day, its their responsibilityr to be cordial.

Talk to you FH and have him talk to his mom about how her behavior is not acceptable

If she is going to pull that card you should just tell her that you no longer want her paying for the rehearsal dinner. It's petty and downright rude she would request that. Also your fiance needs to know about this. That's wrong she is trying to put you in the middle.

I would tell her she is no longer hosting. That is an unreasonable request.

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Agree with this and PPs that it's not right to put you in the middle of this or ask you to keep it from your FH. I like the "Hi, X! Thanks so much for reaching out to me about this. I don’t feel comfortable keeping this from “x”... can you please talk to him about this? Thanks!"

And warn your FH what's coming.

I would just tell her it will cause huge problems if he can't invite his own father to the rehearsal dinner. She shouldn't have offered to pay for it if she was holding conditions that are super selfish. I would also tell your fiance.

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Then OP and her fiancé have to pay

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And?

There is nothing that say anyone has to pay for any part of your wedding. If you don't want people making requests, taking over, planning their way, then pay for your own wedding.

If I was on your place I wouldn’t hide this from your fiancé, that would cause an issue.

Tell her that you don’t feel comfortable with this, that you rather for her to talk this with her son.

Maybe offer to pay for your future father in law.

Oh hell no! That is so wrong of her on so many levels!

I would tell her that you are not comfortable with keeping things from your fiance. And that you don't appreciate her putting you in the middle. I would have your fiance talk to her and clear this up.

So frustrating when supposed adults act like this!

That sounds like a sticky situation all though I find it very manipulative on her end. She’s your soon to be mother in law and for her to stick you in an uncomfortable situation and to hold back the truth from your soon to be husband is not right. If it were me I’d definitely let her know that I appreciate her assistance with the rehearsal dinner but I don’t hold secrets from my fiancé so I’d tell him. My FH deals with his family drama and I deal with mine. Somehow it keeps the peace that way.

Perhaps it is just me maybe not, but I would tell her that I'm not starting my future with my FH with lies or withholding information, and that it is disrespectful for her to request that of you. If she decides not to invite the father than she needs to own it and say so. Create boundaries now or you may find yourself in this situation more often