Dividing Wedding Expenses for a Single Mom..

You guys definitely need to seek some couples counseling here. This is the sort of thing that can kill a relationship.

I spent the entirety of my 20s with the same guy--met in college, same major. We started talking about marriage once I hit my 30s, right around when I hit an unsteady period of employment, and his career was skyrocketing. He greatly resented the fact that he was having to "bankroll" my living expenses (we were living together) because he was making 4x what I was making.

Once we talking about potential wedding expensive (and mind you, we weren't even engaged yet), he resented that he would have to pay for most of what would be an expensive wedding because I had little savings and a lot of relatives to invite. He insisted we must have a destination wedding, preferably in a foreign locale, so that no one would show up and he wouldn't have to deal with my large family. His reasoning was that if he was paying for most of it, he should have final word.

I didn't realize it at the time, but this was the beginnings of his emotionally abusive behavior--alienation and financial control. Thank goodness I got out. Not saying that this what's happening to you, but it is a bit of a red flag.

How expensive could a 5 person elopement be? Unless you're flying out to an exotic location, I don't see how it would be much more expensive than a courthouse wedding.
If he makes a lot more money, then he'll have to pitch in more in everyday life. Talk to a financial counselor together. If he won't, definite red flag. Why is he willing to contribute to everything else but the wedding? Maybe he's willing to pay for small things not big?

View Quoted Comment That's my question!!! Y'all can go half and there are a lot of diy stuff to cut cost.

Have you guys discussed how you want to handle finances after marriage? If he’s not okay with the income discrepancy now for the wedding, does he expect you to pay for half of all your join expenses after marriage even if it means he needs to downsize on where he lives, how often you guys eat out or go on trips? Usually when there’s a big income difference, the couple needs to have agreement on how they handle it that feels right for them. How you spend on the wedding should be Just an extension of your normal financial arrangements.


This whole he feels like a dad is really strange to me. This isn’t the 1950s. Most couples I know today pay for their own weddings, NOT parents. That might’ve made sense when people got married very young and weren’t working yet or not for long. Most engaged couples today are older and in the workforce meaning they pay for their own wedding.

Being completely honest, if my fiance wasn't going to contribute to the wedding, I wouldn't have one. I'd go to the courthouse too. That being said, I make average money. For us, I knew the cost would fall primarily on our shoulders and I can think of a million things that I could spend $25k on. Ultimately, he wanted a wedding and agreed that he'd contribute money toward it so we decided to have one. If he had wanted the wedding but wasn't paying, I wouldn't have done it. I'm not going to completely change my lifestyle (stop getting my nails done, limit my shopping, count my pennies) for something that isn't completely necessary and I could live without. Did your FH want a big wedding or was he wanting the courthouse wedding right off the bat?

View Quoted Comment I agree with all the sentiment here.



Parsing out the “dad” comment and the other mention of what he said, I feel like what he’s saying isn’t so much that he feels like your father but more like he DOESNT feel like a partner in this conversation. As I mentioned in my situation where I make comparatively peanuts of the money, I would never have presumed that my husband would just fork over a whole pile of cash for *our* wedding. I did what I could, and presented my side. This is what I can do and how I can do it and even though it’s not much, let’s see what we can do with it. Not “what’s my budget for this?” — I do think you have to give a little too. To make an effort to make it a partnership versus a financier situation. And it doesn’t all have to be direct monetary contribution. But it has to be a Partnership. There has to be give and take on both sides. Everyone only gets the wedding that they can afford. It isn’t fair for either partner to decide “this is the thing I want” but not be willing to work toward it and expect that to be all on the other— that’s true of everything in a marriage, not just the wedding. And it never feels good to be faced with that. It comes across as “what can you do for me” versus “what can we do for us” . There are definitely challenges to financial discrepancy in a marriage, but both partners need to be on the same page, need to have an established financial plan, and need to contribute. Even if you do both want the same wedding, it’s also important to realize a wedding is the first major financial challenge for a lot of couples. It’s a bit of a reality check moment for a lot of couples. And it kind of feels like that’s what’s happening to him here. Not that he has a problem with being the bread winner in a relationship, but suddenly there is a big financial expectation for something that is strictly extracurricular versus living expense. I think if you aren’t contributing any money to the wedding then you should be willing to consider a courthouse wedding, especially if he’s indicating that’s his preference. To plan something otherwise that is just his money is a bit disrespectful. It’s important to see both sides. And it’s important to realize it isn’t all about the dollars and cents. It’s the give and take, and willingness to do that. I couldnt pay as much money, but I worked hard to be able to put in something, and there’s a lot of value in that effort. In the dating game, I can’t afford to pay for most of the dinners out, but I make sure to grab the bill sometimes, or to cover the drinks. Maybe plan a cheaper date that I can fund. Or bring the wine, etc. Small gestures that show my willingness to contribute. Literally the first time I took my husband out I joked I was going to bring him out for pizza slices...and he was okay with that. It was never how much I could bring to the table, but that I was willing to bring anything to it at all. And I think that idea carries over into wedding planning too. It feels like he may simply want to not feel like he’s doing it all. Maybe you can only bring one penny to every dollar of his, but as long as he doesn’t feel alone, that’s all that matters. I don’t think the conversation should be “how much will you spend for this ?” but needs to be “how can *we* fund this wedding?” and of course you can’t just magically produce money you don’t have, but you can work together to figure out some financing solution. Maybe it’s splitting living costs differently elsewhere or helping eachother in other aspects of day to day life (An example could be something like getting on a family plan together for a cell phone bill to save you both a few bucks, and putting that savings toward the wedding) — the important thing is that it is figured out together. I think so much is in attitude and approach. I love taking care of someone. But I hate feeling obligated to do so. Just a bit of perspective shift.

Most importantly though, you’ve got to go into the marriage with a clearly established financial plan for the future.

Just want to press upon the fact that I really am
sympathetic to the situation. My husband makes literally 5 times what I do (I make pennies but i L O V E my job, and ive always just been careful to live within my means given that). I have definitely gone through serious slumps about the income discrepancy, sometimes a worry I can’t contribute enough, sometimes a worry that I am bringing us down or holding us back. But we’ve always been SUPER open about this from the get go and I cannot state strongly enough that open and honest communication is what gets us through. He has never intentionally made me feel like less but I’ve definitely been sensitive to some things along the way and Talking Through It is so so so key. My husband is SO supportive of me being happy in my job, and a lot of times talking it out really lifts me up. Contributions to a relationship are way more than just financial— it’s everything about your presence, and all of that is marital capital. Like your energy and your happiness are things you bring into the home— and you can’t underestimate the importance of that stuff. Willingness to communicate fully about this stuff, his worries and my own are really the backbone of why our relationship works.