Dividing Wedding Expenses for a Single Mom..

I think this is a much deeper issue than just financing the wedding. Have you guys considered couples counseling or meeting with a financial counselor to make sure you’re aligned in your goals/plans and communicating effectively about them. I’m not sure why he “feels like a dad”. The majority of my friends/family members who have gotten married in my adult life paid for their own wedding.

View Quoted Comment His feeling like a dad is coming from having to foot the bill.


He’s very generous with literally everything else. Trips, dinner, whatever it is....It’s literally just the wedding he can’t get over. It’s making me feel really terrible.

Who did he think was going to pay for HIS wedding??

I would make sure y’all are on the same page about what kind of wedding you want. If he wants a large traditional wedding but doesn’t want to help pay for it then that’s a problem. But it could be that he was envisioning an elopement or something smaller.

View Quoted Comment I’m learning he expected I would be contributing. It’s not that I don’t want to.. I can’t. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and he’s now digging his heels in on the wedding financially.

View Quoted Comment We want to elope with our kids. For 5 people, it’s not cheap. I get it.
Sounds like now because I can’t pay, he wants a courthouse wedding.

I agree that this sounds like a much bigger issue than just wedding expenses. If you are going to be married, you two need to have frank, detailed conversations about money. Who contributes how much and for what. This goes for *everything* (joint bank accounts or separate? How to divide up living expenses, utilities, food, vacations, emergencies, school costs, retirement, etc.?). Put the wedding planning on hold while you two do whatever you need to do this figure this out. Whether that's pre-marital counseling, relationship counseling, meeting with a financial planner, whatever is right for you both.

But also, and this goes for every couple getting married, you need to plan a wedding that fits within your budget. And the wedding budget is something that needs to be based in reality (how much money is actually availability) and reached by consensus/compromise. Many, many people pay for their own weddings without parental/family help. It can be done, but it takes really good communication and shared values.

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I was you! I get it.

BUT - my fiance pays for everything. EVERY.THING. Always has, always will. He is very good with his money and has set our futures up for a nice life.

We've been together for 18 years, though. We have homes, cars, children, etc. He makes enough money to support me (I work one day a week) and he is paying for everything for the wedding and honeymoon, too. He's a spender, though - money is not an issue with him, and it's still (after all these years) hard for me to grasp that concept. I have always been the one with the tight wallet... more like empty wallet, lol. I couldn't afford anything if not for him. Sure, when I worked full time it was different, but he has never expected more from me.

I can't imagine him not wanting to spend money on his own wedding, though.

I don't know why he is having a problem with this... maybe his finances aren't what you really think they are? Is he in debt that you don't know about and he's scared, or just scared about spending money on a wedding? You can elope if that's something YOU want.

One of my friends married a girl that was still a student and he was working full time and so he largely paid for the wedding himself while she paid for the things she could and for the things she wanted to add to the wedding

View Quoted Comment He grew up very poor and didn’t come into his money until later.
I’m working full time. I pay my own bills. Everything that my son needs. It’s not a matter of me not being willing.. it’s a matter of being unable to.
If I was working and living with him, Id have available funds to pitch in. I feel like I can’t keep up. I do things to help that aren’t financial.

View Quoted Comment This is sensible.

Do you plan to combine finances after you are married? I'd go to couples counseling now to discuss how all of this will work. It won't be his money after you guys are married, it'll be yours & his together. It's common for people to pay for their own weddings. If they don't want to, they usually just elope.

Agree that this is a much larger issue than just the wedding. You guys need to sit down together (and maybe with a counselor and or financial advisor) and establish your financial plan for your future.


My husband and I have a massive income discrepancy (think: his yearly bonus is more than my annual salary), and we’ve worked it out so there is no mine versus yours. Everything is ours. If he ever made me feel otherwise, it would hurt. Our home is *our* home, NOT his that i pay rent to. I would never think of it as him being generous, but rather simply him contributing to our life together.
When we began talking about our wishes for a wedding, and putting together a budget, we considered what we both could contribute and both wanted and went from there. The number that we came up with was *ours* not his, even though I was only coughing up about 1/4th of that , and it was carefully talked out where we were both contributing an amount that was comfortable to us. From *there* , we started to consider what each of us wanted in a wedding, and what we could achieve within our budget.
I can’t tell where the first disconnect is, but you definitely have to get on the same page with regards to planning, and have a lot of these preliminary planning discussions together. There is a big difference between establishing budget and desires, and making plans and asking for a check (what comes across as spending his money). But there’s also a way for you both to contribute without spending money you don’t have so that it feels less like he’s paying for your party— Maybe you split up day to day expenses differently so that you can save and contribute.
It feels like the issue runs a bit deeper, but no matter what, communication is KEY. About budget, about desires for the event, about future finances. It could be as simple as a matter of expectations; he could be off put just by the idea that he’s *expected* to fund the party, even if he doesn’t mind the dollars and cents of it — and that comes back to communication. You both need to be open about expectations and feelings, as well as willing to be flexible about that stuff (it is important that if you expect him to pay for the wedding that he is also paying for the wedding that he wants, etc).
Either way, it is essential to sit down and discuss finances *before* the wedding— party aside. All of how life expenses will work going forward, and what and how each of you will contribute. There are lots of couples that have income discrepancies that have found a way to balance their situation for them. Maybe one earns more and pays for more, but the other contributes more in other ways— tending to the home, to the kids etc. It’s important to work together to find the balance that works for you. When you find that balance , it helps the “mine versus his” concept go away as you’re both contributing. Like, sure, I pay less for our home — but it wouldn’t be our home without me.

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I get it - it's just an expense you can't afford. I think you both need a heart to heart and come up with a plan you both can afford. I wish you the best.

Yea, he’s a dad now and a provider and this may be shocking to him. The wedding is just an issue but it’s not the main topic. I agree that counseling would be best to see if he is really up for taking on these new responsibilities.

I agree with everyone else. I think this is a deeper issue than just the wedding. I think it's just that the wedding is the easiest thing to displace his feelings on.

I would sit down and talk with him as well as go to counseling.

FH makes about $10,000 more per year than I do so he offered to contribute more for bills so that I can still afford my own bills. Even though we only have a joint account for bills, we both consider our paychecks/money we have in our personal accounts to be each others funds. We try to be as independent as possible (we pay our own bills but then pay mortgage, utilities, etc out of our joint account) just because that's how we've always operated. Sometimes, though, no matter how much money you make, it's a super sensitive topic and the thought of sharing that with someone can be scary!

It may just be that he has some insecurities or concerns regarding his money.

Best of luck!

Did you two sit down and discuss what kind of wedding each of you want, a budget for it, and how much each of you can/are willing to contribute to it? From the way your posts are coming across it sounds like you expect him to just pay for the whole thing without having even discussed any of it with him first. If that's the case, I can understand why he would be reluctant, especially if he is fine with a courthouse ceremony while you want something more expensive. I wouldn't appreciate someone automatically expecting me to fully pay for something unnecessary that they want without having given me any say in it or consideration for my budget.

View Quoted Comment We did loosely discuss what we wanted and kept an open mind. I know he’s financing it so I have asked him for a budget before we start planning anything. He finally admitted that he hadn’t given a budget because he didn’t imagine he’d be in a situation where his mate couldn’t pay. He thought it would be two people sharing the load. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and he’s been aware of where I am.

Many couples don't have parents financial support anymore. This is his wedding too. On the contrary, if he is the one footing the bill then he needs to have the ability to set the budget. Just because one SO makes more than the other, doesn't mean they have to start paying for extravagant things, and weddings can get pretty extravagant, and fast! I would sit down and talk to him and see what he his willing to put forth. If he says 10k...then my golly stay within the budget if you cannot afford to help.

View Quoted Comment Yes, I wouldn’t even be writing if he’d just give me a budget.