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April 2019

Disrespected at Son’s Weddings

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Lisa, on April 21, 2019 at 5:47 PM

I don’t write on forums but I’m hurt and this seems like the best place to ask questions. My son got married yesterday. The brides parents paid for all the wedding. We are not in a position at the moment to be able to help. My spouse has been unemployed long term.

First off, we were told there was not a rehearsal dinner since we did not have the funds to afford one. Instead there was a rehearsal dinner but our family was not included. I can’t imagine being this petty and hateful. I’m hurt my son would let her family do this to us. Second, we were the last table. Eighty year old grandmothers had to walk upstairs. Thirdly, the son/mother dance lasted like 20 seconds while other dances lasted much longer.

What would you do? I’m very hurt. If the situation were opposite I’d never be so classless and rude. It was if they purposely throwing one more insult our way all night. The only high point was the bride’s extended family telling me what a wonderful son we raised. I’m upset he didn’t speak up about bride’s parents classless behavior.

What would you do now?? Talk to bride’s parents or only to son after honeymoon. I’m heartbroken people could be so disgusting. It’s true, money doesn’t buy you class.

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22 Comments

CM · on January 26, 2024 at 11:14 PM
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There is absolutely no obligation for the bride or the groom's parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner or the wedding. Traditional etiquette referred to very young women still living with their families, not independent couples. But if there is a rehearsal dinner, which OP said there was, etiquette is pretty clear that both families are properly included. Anyone can offer to host a rehearsal dinner, including the couple themselves, the groom's parents or the bride's parents.
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CM · on January 27, 2024 at 9:03 AM
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I forgot what an old post this was. OP is likely long gone. That said there clearly was a formal rehearsal dinner. The OP also said her daughter saw an Instagram post showing a rehearsal dinner at a wedding venue and that her son’s groomsmen asked why she wasn’t there at the wedding. That certainly doesn’t sound like a solo last minute pizza run by the bride and groom to me.
And “utterly refused to kick in?” The entitlement of this statement is beyond entitled, and completely inappropriate, along with the idea that you can possibly know the details of “a lot” of Boomer couples’ finances in such detail. For all you know people could be debt free but have nowhere near enough saved for a secure retirement and no responsible business “saving” for anything else. Ever consider that just maybe they would prefer not to be a burden to their children one day? Or that they prioritized the groom’s education, which actually got him to this point in life?
While there are some parents out there, hopefully of secure means, who do offer to help or contribute, that is always considered to be generous and voluntary. Even your “traditional” etiquette sources say a wedding is properly an independent couples’ responsibility these days, no one else’s. They need to host what they can afford, and yes, sometimes that’s something quite intimate and modest. It’s beyond inappropriate for you or anyone else to count other people’s money or judge regardless of what you’ve mistakenly been lead to believe.
As for the guest list, there’s no evidence OP demanded anything. BTW, our parents co-hosted our wedding, but I never expected it or felt entitled, rather we were extremely grateful. If you have a vested interest in this topic, and want to discuss it further I'd suggest starting a new thread, though.
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