Disrespected at Son’s Weddings

That is heartbreaking! I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. People can be the absolute worst. Definitely uncalled for. You have EVERY right to be hurt and upset!

I'm so sorry, that must have been incredibly hurtful. I think I'd wait until your son is back and then I'd calmly talk with him about how hurt you were. I'd let him tell you about his perceptions of how those plans and decisions were made. I agree with you that he was likely aware of some of the choices, but perhaps he wasn't fully. Give him a chance to tell you what happened and why. Once you understand his point of view, you can decide how you want to proceed.

Again, unless there is something more to the story, I agree you were treated terribly and I would be very upset. For what it's worth, we paid for about 80% of daughter & SIL's wedding. The FOG paid the other 20%. Groom's parents are divorced and they have a very hostile relationship -- especially from his mom's perspective (she can be a pretty difficult person and has hurt SIL a lot over the years). She wasn't in a position to contribute to the wedding. None of that made any difference -- we did everything we could to make it a fully joint event celebrating the joining of our families; I couldn't imagine acting toward daughter's new MIL any other way, and certainly not the way you were treated. Best wishes, I hope the relationships can be mended.

Be careful in how you bring this up with people. It may be that often your son was given a choice to invite more family, or have you do more, and said, not necessary. And you were not included more, or at the rehearsal dinner, because he thought it fine to have just the hosts, and the bridal party, which is something lots of people do. If bride's family gave him multiple opportunities to have you folks more represented, and he said no, then you could be starting long term trouble blaming them. Best to just let it go. Son may not have it in his mind that this wedding is a joining of families. Lots of people never do encourage both families to spend time with each other. Just, bride sees groom's family when they visit, and groom sees bride's family at their house. But he may have been the one to make no effort to bring your extended family into contact much with her family. Don't assume it was all fault of bride's family, or about money.

My apologies about your situation.

For my wedding, the rehearsal dinner is not happening. There isn't a mother / groom dance or bride / father dance. And the seating chart is being done by me haphazardly because I have no clue on any problems be it disability, age, or feuds on some of these people I never met. These decisions aren't being made based on cost. My seating chart is definitely not being made out of spite. I wish I had a wedding planner as an emotional buffer. My groom is also highly involved in the wedding planning (Lord help me, it's a blessing and a curse. It's great because I know he likes. It sucks because everything takes so much longer to make an equal decision).

My suggestion is to talk to your son gracefully. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, he made the decisions that made you angry. Maybe, he hates dancing. Maybe, the bride had no idea about the stairs. Maybe, they thought there was an elevator. But speak softly about it. Speak calmly. After you get the answer of either

A. You were right
or
B. The bride and groom really just sucked at major event planning
or
C. It was your son who made the decisions you didn't like

View Quoted Comment Hermione,

Thank you for your response. The responses are helpful. Give me other’s viewpoints.

My my son loves to dance. He’s the guy at weddings doing dance offs. I know things were done deliberately by the parents of the bride. Relationship with her is strained. I believe her parents felt since we were not helping financially we will shame them. Being spiteful. We had seen them two weeks earlier at shower and they were nice. Acting like we didn’t exist at wedding. All I can come up with. I asked my son’s fiancé if I could see how beautiful she looked before wedding and he reply was “no” she was on a time constraint. I just wanted to give her a hug and kiss. Whatever?? That hurt as well.

My son did text me last night which gave me a perfect opening to speak to him. Took your advice to do gracefully. He said he understood. Things will get better. I love my son. We are close. Getting together when they return from honeymoon.

Have a great wedding day! Thank you again for responding. I’m just a believer in treating everyone with kindness and respect. If the situation were reverse my husband and I would of never been so hurtful to her parents.

Thanks,

Lisa

I'm so sorry that the day brought you such sadness, when it should have been a beautiful and memorable day.

Just a few things:

1. I would definitely not only wait until your son comes back from his honeymoon, but I would wait to discuss this with him until you're less emotional about what has happened. I feel that we don't always communicate in a healthy way when we're still very angry or upset. I would also include your DIL, as she is now part of the family and I think opening this line of communication would be healthy for your relationship with both her and your son.

2. The way you were treated is not a reflection of you, but of them (either your DIL, or more likely, her parents). If the bride's parents paid for all of the wedding, it's POSSIBLE that her parent's maybe took a lot of the control of how things were run, and MAYBE, your son was trying to be the respectful person you raised him to be and he didn't want to ruffle the feathers of his future in-laws, in turn, upsetting you in the end. I'm sure it was not his intent in any way shape or form to hurt you or upset you on his wedding day.

3. The rehearsal dinner: If they advised you there would not be one, is it possible they were unaware that there was one being hosted? I would need more information on this. I remember a previous MOG on this forum, a while back, with a similar situation. It turned out the bride's family threw them a rehearsal dinner when they didn't want one and purposely left out the groom's parents. The groom was so upset, he actually left the party (and his mother had no idea until after the wedding was over). Also, I'm getting the sense from your post that there may be a little bit of guilt on your part that you were unable to contribute financially to your son's wedding. Neither sets of parents paid for mine and DH's wedding, and I think both sets of parents feel a little guilty that they were unable to help more. We were just grateful to have their support and attendance. I think if you're feeling guilty here, you can let yourself off the hook. Your ability to help financially doesn't change the level of love you have for your son and he knows that.

4. The table situation - it was very ignorant to put you and elderly, close family members in a place upstairs without thinking how difficult it may be for them to walk up the stairs. I truly believe that this was just an incredibly big oversight, but I think your feelings are warranted here. I would be interested to know who did the seating chart (DIL, her parents, or both your DIL and son?). I did most of our seating chart, and then consulted with my DH before giving it to our venue. I did ASK my MIL ahead of time if there were any special needs or places she expected I put people (she asked that I put my DH's grandmother in the back, closer to the bathroom), so I did as she requested, but I did not get her approval before submitting the final seating chart to the venue.

5. In regards to the dance with your son, did you choose the song? If not, I imagine your son chose it - and therefore, he probably had a reason for the song. Maybe it reminds him of you or maybe he thought you'd like it. I'm sure it's meaningful to him in some way, regardless of how long it was. By the time your dance happened, it's possible this was just salt to your already wide-open wound, and I'm not sure I would be so upset about this, in particular. If you wanted to dance longer with him, maybe you could've asked him if he would save another dance for you later?

I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt and left out. I'm sure there are reasons for the ways things worked out and I hope that you can find the positives in the day and focus on those instead of all the things you wished happened differently. Knowing how this played out, I think maybe setting an intention to clearly communicate your expectations in advance about anything and everything (i.e. holidays, children, visiting etc.etc.), will help protect your feelings in the end moving forward, as now it's not just your son, but he'll be making decisions with his now wife moving forward.

Amanda,

Thank you so much for your post. I’m so hurt I’m posting to get feedback. It’s Monday and I’m still deeply hurt.

Rehearsal dinner-we were told there was no rehearsal dinner. I most definitely feel guilt over being in a financial situation I could not contribute. Out of my control. If they’d gotten married 5 years ago, it would of been a different story. My daughter so a post on instagram where they had rehearsal at wedding venue and rehearsal dinner. Our family was completely left out. I was asked at wedding why we weren’t there by my son’s groomsmen.

Wedding dance-I picked out song with my son. Father/daughter song was the complete song. Our dance people didn’t have time to pick up phones to take pics. Poof done!

Table-We had the last table up stairs. We were treated like after thoughts. I feel like we could not help my nose was rubbed into that pile of poop constantly. I’m embarrassed for them. My heart doesn’t work that way. The bride never came to our table to extend thanks for what little family was invited. They had an expensive wedding planner think they teach etiquette. This was a six figure wedding. I’ve been treated with more love by my friend’s children at weddings.

Things have been strained with my now DIL for years. We invite for every holiday and she doesn’t attend. We were all once very close. My daughter had a breakdown 3 years ago and was diagnosed with bipolar. My daughter did nothing to her but she can’t forgive. Through all her behavior I extended myself to DIL. Asked to go dress shopping with her..left out. I’m tired of getting my hand slapped. I’m close to my son. I love him to the moon and back. I had 7 people come up to me from her family to tell me what an amazing son we raised. I know we are good people. Never felt so disrespected in my life. Honestly, I feel like my son should of left the rehearsal dinner to make the statement “treat my family with respect” because that’s also saying he’s not good enough in my eyes. Told them he would not attend if we were not included.

You sound like a sweetheart. Thanks again for your view points and sweet words.

Lisa

Wow, this seems intentionally cruel to you and your family not to mention completely rude. I cannot even give an explanation of why you and your family weren't invited to a rehearsal dinner and were the last table to be seated. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'd start with a calm discussion with your son if you are capable of that right now. I know I would be hurt for some time over this.

Sadly, I am expecting this for my son's wedding this weekend. He and fiancee have become angry at me for no reason,other than they were micro-managing her shower, and told me last minute they would take over plans of rehearsal dinner, yet I paid money on it already. Bride's mother disrespected me with gestures at the actual rehearsal. I feel no joy. My tears are flowing and i have never felt so hated in my life. Today's kids have no respect anymore. Thank God I have great friends. Other than my adult children, i have no other family. I've learned that good parents get this treatment a lot. not sure why; but I feel your pain

At least you got a dance. I didn’t, and I didn’t even have a place to sit for the dinner after, there were a bunch of very distant relatives sitting at the designated table for “groom’s family”. I finally found a seat next to a stranger. I was humiliated but have never said anything. I felt worthless. I’m sorry you went through this, it’s terrible. It seems to happen more than not 💔

My son's wedding is coming up in May. I have only been included on the cake testing and some of the venue touring. I wasn't told about the wedding gown shopping. Most everything I know about the wedding planning has been from the internet. My son has had no say in anything. He didn't even get to pick out the diamond in her ring. The bride's mother asked my son what she could do to help him propose. Red flags started flying, I could not and still cannot understand why they are pushing so hard for the marriage. I have tried to be friends with the fiancee. We have been involved in some church projects together and I thought we were okay. The other day I texted her to see if she had to work because of the bad weather we were having and that's all I said. She texted me back and said she was going to the gym with her brother and she could be ready by 12:45-1:00. I read and reread the text because I was confused why she would be telling me about her ability to be ready by the times. I hadn't asked her to do or go anywhere with me. I then thought she was thinking I was inviting her for something. I texted back and asked lunch? She said sure. I picked her up and we went to lunch. Yesterday, I saw where she had texted my son about the incident. She told him that I had asked her to lunch and she felt like I always want her to do or go somewhere with me when she was off and she really didn't want to go but she felt she had to because I would be mad and start saying that she didn't want to spend any time with me and I would start complaining. She also said that I was a bit.h and she wasn't going to put up with me forever and I was causing her so much anxiety that she was breaking out sand having to go to a doctor. I have told my son some of my feelings about being left out of the planning and our family is only allowed to invite 3 family members to the wedding. I wanted to invite my brother and I can't but her mom is inviting her college roommate. My brother would not come because he lives away from here. I just wanted to invite him. I did agree to host the rehearsal dinner and crazy me scheduled it for the night before the wedding and I just found out that the rehearsal wasn't booked at the time of booking the venue. Now the rehearsal is scheduled for the Tuesday before. I am not changing the dinner because they charge me for any changes and my son went with me when I booked it and never said a word. This was in September. His FMI has dictated every aspect of the wedding planning. She has even dictated what furniture and the honeymoon. I really don't know what to do because we go out to eat every Sunday after church with my son and his fiancee. I don't know how I am supposed to act towards her since I read she thinks I am a bit.h? I have cried until I have made myself sick. Why can't the bride and her family realize that the wedding of a son is just as important to his family as it is to the bride's? I am so heartbroken and I don't think I can even go to the wedding.

View Quoted Comment I was so sad to relieved to read I am not the only mother going through this same treatment. My sons wedding is this weekend and I am expecting the same mistreatment. We were told by the DIL’s family not to pay for the rehearsal dinner to find that they wanted us excluded from attendance. My daughter is is the wedding and she learned at rehearsal that we will not be included in pictures and will not be ushered in to sit at the front. Just baffled, that our son allows this type of treatment for his family who has been supportive, loving, and given him so much to get to this point in life. I’ll never understand it. I have had to coach myself through the years that he is an adult at this point in his life and if this is how he begins life; he’s made a decision that difficult to come by and will have a lasting affect for years. I can only wish them the best. I am so glad for the friends that watches me raise him. They have been a support system and have reminded me there is no reason for this type of behavior. What happened to tradition? What happened to respecting your parents? What happened to being a good person? Not sure what happened to the son I raise.

Money talks sometimes. Unfortunately. There is no justification for unkindness and disrespect. What is it what they say 'a son's a son until he gets a wife and a daughters a daughter for the rest of your life. So true for the mother in law. Our role as parents is to prepare our children for independence we never figured on getting hurt at the end of that road though when he lets go of your hand as he enters marriage and start of life with a new woman in his life. We can only continue to love him unconditionally and hope that finds happiness for the rest of his life. I would let go, leave them be despite the hurt because they will have growing up years still. And wait. Wait until they ask for your help with their kids! And if you are still hurting cry to your hearts content until you feel better. My best advice and Good luck.

View Quoted Comment Hello Irene
I am sorry for your hurt feelings. My son is getting married in September and it seems good intentions are misunderstood as intrusions. I have a hard time understanding how offering to do things for the couple is thought of as a demand.
It seems that when a a MIL offer something example taking your daughter in law to lunch. She says yes to avoid making you unhappy but makes her angry in the end and holding a grievance against a mother in law, why not just say No you're busy or something instead of creating such chaos and heartaches? As a future MIL my intentions are for love and care. There are no hidden meanings and agenda. I am so discouraged and heartbroken. I am grateful to be able to express this here.

This is extremely old but you sound like a nightmare. I’m sure there’s a reason you DIL distanced herself from you. People don’t just randomly create issues with their in laws for no reason. Your whole post is lacking accountability. My FH wants his mother son dance to be short so it was probably your sons fault the song was cut short. The song times are given to the DJ in advance.

View Quoted Comment The wedding planning usually consists of only the bride and groom. Mothers are not required to be invited to any step in the wedding planning process. Mothers of the groom are usually not invited to dress shopping either. You sound obnoxious.

View Quoted Comment You will wish you hadn’t been so hateful one day.

View Quoted Comment Yes, they do create issues. Sometimes they are founded, sometimes there is no basis, other than jealousy.

You have to let it go. Don't put your son in the middle of all of this. During the arrangements, he most likely just agreed and stayed out of it. I am so sorry about how you were treated. Especially to have a rehearsal dinner and not invite the grooms parents at least. That is just poor taste and rude. I would suggest just to keep your relationship close with your son. Send him little messages. Not every day, but stay in touch. He will have less time for you and the family now. It hard not to say something, so of you must wait a month or 2. Everything is too fresh right now and things could get out of hand.

Traditionally if the bride's family pays for entire the wedding, then groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner. Was it actually a "rehearsal dinner" event with a family group you were explicitly excluded from or did they just... get dinner? If you explicitly refused to pay for it, why would there be a formally planned event the night before?

Lasted "like 20 seconds" -- you timed it? It sounds like your bitterness is causing you to invent grievances in your head with no evidence.

If you don't pay for an event, you don't get a say in how it's run. You should be thankful for the graciousness of the bride's family at a time when paying for an entire wedding on one side is typically unaffordable. Yet you showed up and at their food and drank their wine, and you're bitter you didn't get to pick the seating chart and that they didn't feed you the night before either. Hopefully you weren't making snide remarks the whole time and ruining your son's day.