KWR: Feeling smothered

I just feel a lot of pressure at this point to be the "daughter in law" she wants me to be, but at this point, all I can see happening is me returning to a hermit like state after the wedding/Honeymoon are over.

Oh dear, I can see your point. FH's grandmother (who he considers like his mother) is super helpful, but FH is her little boy. I'm always so intimidated by her, which makes no sense since she is the nicest lady around. I would say... hang out with her and FH together a little more? That's helped me at least to take off some of the edge of expectations.

My FMIL always wants me to call and chat too...I hate talking on the phone. I literally use my phone to call my mom and FH, that's it.

@future mrs. jkr, I've *really* been trying to be sure that I eat lunch with her while I'm on my lunch break from work when she's in the area... I try to call her more often during the week when I can... FH though is completely worthless in the area though. He really doesn't help take the pressure off me that much which I'm a little irritated about.

It's like she expects him to not answer her phone calls or to not eat lunch with her, or whatever, but since I'm a girl, she expects the world of difference for me. That's just a lot of stuff to live up to that I'm not even used to because my family just ISN'T like that.

Good Luck....sounds like your in for some fun! Come to the door half naked next time they show up without calling first and stop this before it gets out of control! Seriously. If your feeling smothered now, it's only going to get worse unless you set some boundaries. You and your FH need to have a talk about her going behind your back and explain to him how this makes you feel. You need to have a joint stand on FIL's and how they will be handled. Don't wait till grandchildren are involved to try to stop them, it will be too late by then.

It sounds like you have a really nice FMIL and she just wants to get to know you more and wants you to feel part of the family. It sounds like her idea of what family does is different from yours. I would go along with some of it, but also let her know that you're not use to or comfortable with so much attention, and while you appriciate it you would like a little more personal space.

Yeah, that would be hard, FH's grandma expects more from FH than she does from me, so I wouldn't know your troubles! I'm rooting for you though! Sorry I couldn't be much help

@Lisa, well, where we're living now, the school district isn't suitable for kids/their grand kids, so we are planning on moving between his family and mine to try and be fair enough to everyone. All of this just makes me want to move quicker and further away...

Set boundaries now - and you need to rely on FH more when it comes to his family to do these - My pastor gave me a great tip ast "seeing the heart behind the person in the situation"....say something like "I really wish I could have lunch with you as much as you'd like but my work week is so stressful sometimes I just need wind down time during lunch/ after work ect..."

Oh boy can I relate. I love my FMIL, I really honestly do. She's very accepting of me and supportive of our relationship/marriage.

But it's like she wants us to be best buddies right off the bat and she comes across as overbearing. FH has had a strained relationship with her in the past and they have recently begun to become close again. As a result we have not spent extended amounts of time together, and although I enjoy my time with her, it's hard to form the kind of THISCLOSE relationship she wants us to have in the limited amount of time I've spent with her.

She even seems to get jealous of my own mother.

There's a fine line between setting boundaries and cultivating a positive relationship. Which is what I want, she just doesn't understand that it takes time.

If I were you I'd just humor her in some things (like calling once a week to chat), but I'd stand my ground on others. If you start to give her more time than you're comfortable now, it's going to be very hard to pull back later on.

@Attentea, I know, and that's why I've been at least *trying* to make more of an effort to have a relationship with her. It hasn't been a 100% turn around, but it's been more of a compromise than it was before. I just know myself and I know that I will want time to veg out after the wedding is over, and that could mean we don't talk as much as we are right now. My boil over point was finding out a little while ago that she had been contacting the hotel without me knowing.

Oh rusticbride I'm so sorry! My FMIL can be extremely overbearing as well. We live across the street from FIL. They come over unannounced ALL THE TIME. FH says several times a week he wants to move. His son is here on spring break so they come unannounced even more frequently and at the worst times, like when we're trying to leave to meet another family member. She came over a couple of fridays ago and knocked on the door then called because we didnt answer. She got embarrassed when FH told her we were in the shower.

But on the wedding front she tried getting us to change our menu to a different option every other day for 3 weeks. They offered to pay for an option we accepted then she changed her mind on what she THOUGHT we should do. I feel your pain girl!!!!

@Julia Beth, yes, that's exactly it. I feel like she wants MORE that just isn't natural to me right now. She wants a closer relationship than what has been developed and she wants it quicker than I can even muster. I was totally fine with meeting her half way on the calling... but she threw the curve at me by not telling me that she had been in contact with our hotel. That's just basically where my line is....

My FMIL did and still tries to do EVERYTHING for her little boy! And I do mean everything from paying his bills to listening to his answering machine. She no longer pays his bills (I do) and she stays away from the answering machine( I left some "X" rated messages on there knowing she would hear them, crude, but it worked) Thank God when the addition is done there will be new doors and locks so she will no longer have a key to the house. I told him that he may not have a problem with her coming in when he's not home but when my children and I get down there in a month I do have a problem with it! She is a very nice woman and I enjoy talking to her, but I've always got the feeling she's out to protect "her grandson's" interests in the farm and the money. I think she's worried cause I have kids that love him and always want to be around and his own son has nothing to do with him, that he'll leave the farm to me and them and cut his son out. We are in the big shale area in OH with a large farm that is worth a lot of money...I'm afraid this is going to cause a lot of trouble for us.

I'm with some of the others on feeling a little pressured. FH has let me know that FMIL wishes we were better "friends." I adore FMIL and she adores me, but I just don't want to chat on the phone and be catching up all the time. I check in with my mom on the phone every so often and that is it. Trying to help FH help her understand I don't even talk to my mom all the time, and we are close and have a good relationship!

@Marcy, I totally get where you're coming from, but there's apparently a big cultural divide between where I'm from and where I am now even though it's only a 2 hour drive in between! Down here it's very normal for the older folks to pop by each other's houses (and that sometimes transfers to the younger folks) and it's normal to be on the phone a lot... my family catches up on FACEBOOK and we even have our own "Family Facebook Group" where we chat, update everyone on what's going on in one place, etc.

@Erin, ha! I told FH that all this is making me want to do is move further away and sooner than I originally planned. I just know myself and if this continues after the wedding, a talk between all 4 of us has to happen, otherwise the scoreboard will start running, and I will eventually BLOW up.

I call my mother once a week. It is usually a 2hr conversation and I can't wait to be off the phone. I love her, but she is a little nutty and says a lot of hurtful things meant to "motivate" me. I usually let my phone die about 5x a week. FMIL and I talk every once in a while. She lives about 5 min away and we stop in about once a week to say hi and chat. But I like my space and luckily for me my FMIL feels the same. It's my mom that has the boundry problems.

I wish I could just get a read on my FMIL! In the 3 years we've been together, I've never been able to fully get it from her but neither does FH. I would love to post screen shots of the text messages between us sometimes because seriously mine is harder to figure out than a Rubik's Cube when blindfolded.

Mine has a really weird relationship with FH (she left when he was a teen) and he just has such a strong relationship with his dad and I think she's really jealous of that. Sometimes when she makes comments I am actually biting my tongue because I just want to tell her she made her bed and now she has to lay in it!

@Marisa-in-Love, my Mom and I both have a life, so it was never in our realm of a relationship to do a lot of talking on the phone. She's always doing something and so am I, so a 1-2 hour phone conversation just isn't plausible, but since my FMIL is retired (it doesn't matter that I have a life because she claims that she does to - whatever), she still thinks I have the motivation/time to stay on the phone that long on any given day of the week. No, I really don't, I'm sorry, and then when you come over unannounced, that doesn't make me want to call you more either.

@Koch Bride, you're absolutely right. If she wanted that stronger relationship, she shouldn't have left him and his Dad, flat out. She did that to herself. If her son/your FH doesn't even have a strong bond with her, then I don't know how anyone could expect you to break the mold.

@ Rusticbride. You shouldn't feel guilty at all for feeling that way. Is it possible to simply only talk to her when you are able to?

My FMIL is constantly texting me pictures of her dress, the accessories, and stuff like that. I simply reply when I have time (within the same day). That will set her expectation apprppriately.

Can you show her how to text instead, this way you can reply when you want to?

Maybe you can say something like "thanks for being so willing to talk and help, I feel awfully that I can't always talk on the phone, as I am so caught up in my projects" ....

Thats a nice way of saying you dont have the time to chat all the time.