FH just totally bummed me out about the wedding

I know this is totally a "first world problem" but gosh

Keep some cost secret and let him be oblivious? Definitely not a way to begin a marriage.

If you haven't already done so, add premarital counseling to your budget and list of absolute musts.

Definitely don't keep it a secret! Maybe you can look at a few more venues and do a comparison so he can get an idea of how much it really costs? Then he might have a better understanding of why his budget won't work with your guest list. Good luck!

No secrets, nope. Time to do more digging on more frugal catering, music, bar, photography, and floral options. You're on the right site, women here really know how to get the biggest bang for their buck! Research. Also, sadly, consider cutting the guest list a little more.

I would wait a few days and bring it up again. My FH was a little caught off guard when I told him the total but then it sunk in and we broke it down to why it costs what it does. If he still doesn't change his mind then you'll have to respect that and try to make a compromise.

@kate it has nothing to do with what we can afford.

We can afford more than my original budget. But he's just cheap.

@futuremrs it was a joke

Be honest with him about everything. I don't think men in general realize the pricing on vendors, etc. Try to research as much as possible on vendors and share the pricing with him so he had more of an understanding. This is what I have been doing and I'm really trying my best to get the best deals on vendors that have good reviews.

You realize this money disparity isn't a one time event, right? Because it sounds like your views on money and how to spend it are not only secret but different. And that will come up every time you have a big purchase on the horizon, like a house, or a life changing event, like having a baby, going to grad school....

You really do need to be on the same page. And the time to start is now.

I would take a day or two off of planning and start again. Then make a 'presentation' to him of what different wedding look like at different price points.

I'm bummed for you! You kept him in the loop and it seems he didn't really pay attention until you had set plans... now you have to change what you've been working on ? Is he going to change his mind again ? Or zone out then come back in and want things to change ?

I agree with pp give it some time before making changes. Check in with him again in like a week. It sucks having to do extra work once you've settled on an idea / plan.

I hope it works out well for both of you.

I would sit with your FH and explain costs with him. Maybe he is just oblivious since you are the one who's been the one looking into vendors. I know for a fact that before me and FH began speaking with vendors we assumed we could plan an extravagant wedding on a fraction of the budget we now have. What me and FH did was sit down and look at average costs for things like caterers, venues, photographers, DJ's and other essentials in our area. We came to the conclusion together that we would have to push our budget since we could in order to host our guests properly. Maybe try showing your FH and it will make it more clear to him.

@angelina f. I tried that months ago when doing the venue. I would let him know how much different ones cost and he just went along. But I think it really went through one ear and out another.

I told him maybe he should look for venue options and he shrugged me off.

I'm wondering if a recent wedding we went to is what started this. His friend got married at his parents house "a mini mansion" and most likely told him how much money he saved.

But honestly I could see where they "saved" and I'd rather have nothing at all than look cheap.

Definitely don't start your marriage with secrets!

My FH was the same way. But was it went along, I said let's cut back the guest list, I cut 20, you cut 20, No. We can just do candles on the tables, No big limo, No big honeymoon. It just took him seeing what it cost to have the wedding he wanted to spend more. Now my FH is strange. He LOVED going to bridal shows. Wants the big wedding.

We kind of had this happen too. FH was like oh we can have an amazing wedding for $10k, I'm sure. I wrote out the estimates and all of the the things he agreed to, and once he saw it in paper he realized I was not being spendy. It was just a matter of showing him the true cost of things vs what he thought they should. Try putting it on paper. Show him estimates from vendors and pricing lists then highlight all of the ways you can save. I'm sure you'll be on the at least the same chapter if not the same page

@celia we are kind of backwards in doing this. We have kids, live together already, now we are doing the wedding. We have money convos...we have to.

As I've said he's just cheap. He even said that if someone gave us the money he still wouldn't spend that much on one day. Idk.

I've been thinking ways to cut cost, totally cool with cutting flowers and decorations bc the venue is in a garden.

I think I'll just make him start getting pricing on vendors. He will back out soon...he hates planning.

That's lousy, I'm sorry he seems to be lashing out. FH was a little sticker shocked too at first, but I showed him all of my spreadsheets of research on different vendors so he could see what we were actually looking at for the area, price-wise. He quickly realized the budget he thought originally was definitely not enough to throw a decent wedding. Now he's more of the opinion of going with the best. For example the salon I wanted was quite a bit higher in price than the other ones in the area. His answer? Go get your trial and if you really like it then just go with that one. I feel really thankful that he's adopted such a great attitude about the wedding. I hope your FH comes around too.

There's definitely an element of shock and kind of a reality check when starting to budget for the wedding. My H and I kind of went through the same situation, what helped is meeting with or emailing various vendors and getting their price breakdown so he could see what the norms were, then we both realized OK, so THIS is what this really costs and he realized that getting what we wanted came with a price tag. However it was easier for me because I control our finances and pay the bills, so even though he knew the costs for all the vendors, all he cared was that the lights still came on in the house and there wasnt a padlock on the door. Meaning, the bills still got paid lol.

Knowing mine and my fiances income levels, I knew we would have to be very low on our budget for the wedding.

When I stated our budget of 5,000 because he said what do you think we can afford I told him and he FLIPPED not angry but was like holy crap thats so much money. I then broke it down to him the average price of a florida wedding. I then showed him the price of a very nice venue vs a not so good one. He then understood a bit.

I told him 5000 was an extremely low. He saw that and understood and we have figured things out and are now planning with that in mind and he understands that we can make it work now.

Do that with him and if he still seems disinterested then ask him what he wants. Go two weeks and tell him to plan it and you don't lift a finger. If he still seems indifferent to him. Tell him that you want to plan it, you know what it will take, that you will do the research. You will try to keep him in the loop and continue planning as such.

I saw in a previous post about meeting in the middle. I also find that to be a fantastic idea. See if he will come to that and then try to really not go over that.

Do not hide the cost fhrom him. Make him involved in it all if he is concerned about budget