a fizzled friendship and etiquette?

CON'T: i also found out later, that she texted a mutual colleague during a work conference, trying to find out if i attended the conference. again, just really weird stuff having to do with her comparing herself to me.

backstory: several years ago we worked together, but i moved on from that job and we maintained a friendship. we were also both enrolled in a graduate program together. i graduated, and she didn't, which i think is some of her insecurity.

so i know etiquette says i have to invite her to the wedding, but i no longer want to. what would you do? TIA

You could always pull the "I sent one? Did the po lose it?"

Seems to me you've given this a lot of thought and IMO from your post it is the best/healthiest thing for you to do. I would send her a nice email/message and just explain to her that you feel you've grown apart, feelings are weird between you two etc. and that you want to keep your wedding small and intimate with close friends and family. Godspeed and you wish her the best..

Well, the good news is that you sent a STD, not an actual invitation. So I would say nothing and don't send an invitation. I am not saying that's the most mature way of handling it- that's just what I would do.

Wow.. what do you think the odds are that she will show up if you do invite her? Maybe you are right to not extend the invite to her considering what you just described.

I'm honestly not really sure what you should do but keep in mind that if you un-invite her from your wedding at this point i would say the not-talking period will be permanent so be prepared for that... you could just not send the invite but she could still crash your wedding or call you pestering you for the invite. So you either have to be upfront and live with the consequences or wait and see if she shows up and hope it is during a talking period...

I simply would not send her an invite and leave it at that. A save the date isn't the same as an actual invite. I think she would "get it", wouldn't she? I mean, are you both sort of "not talking", or are you just avoiding/not talking to her, and she doesn't know that? Or is more mutual? If it's mutual, then she really shouldn't expect to be invited even if she did get the save the date.

Honestly, i have no idea if she would show up or not. it feels weird to me to send an invitation since we haven't had a conversation in months; but it also feels weird to NOT send an invitation considering she got the save-the date.

her response to receiving the save-the-date was a text saying "cute card. remind me where you said you bought those shoes online?" i don't expect any kind of grand display, but i thought my friend would be happier for me. it was just a letdown.

when she got married, i went with her to fittings and helped organize her bach party. again, i know that none of that was required, i just thought we were closer, so it was a real letdown that she didn't seem to care at all.

A STD is not an invitation!!! So if I were you, I wouldn't send her one.

I know if i don;t invite her, then it will mean our friendship is over. that's fine with me. i just don't want to hurt her feelings. i don't want to be friends anymore, but i do wish her well and hope that she is happy.

Oh, and i should add that i do have to see her at work events, but not many. maybe 2-5 per year.

If you sent the STD you really should send an invitation

what if she has made arrangements, taken time off of work, etc., to attend your wedding because you told her to Save the Date adn then you don't invite her?

@Kate: she's local so taking off work isn't an issue, but she would need a babysitter, so you're right that its possible she would have made arrangements. i kind of feel like a jerk either way. i think it would be safe to just send the invite and see what happens.

I think seh will probably decline anyway based on what you've said. even if she doesn't though, you won't notice her on your wedding day unless you want to :-)

My best friend & I weren't speaking 4 a real long time due to us being selfish & her being in a relationship w/ my cousin that ended very badly... & ended up w/ my cousin trying to make me never speak to her again. Well because he was "family" i listened to him. Well when I would see ppl out w/ their best friends it started to hurt and we ended up speaking again. Later learned exactly what happened w/ her & my cousin. Shes moved on...I'm not sure he has but anyway...if we didn't have that time lapse she would probably be apart of my wedding party but due to the fact that no one knows about what REALLY happened her w/ her & my cousin I chose to just invite her to my wedding. Which I am hoping wont create any drama, but i'm not gonna worry about it on the day. Hopefully ppl can be adults. But anyway I didn't mean to make this about me.

I would be the person that would be like "I sent one...did the PO lose it?" hahaha

I'm still going to invite my cousin, & he can chose to show up.

@Kate: yes, other than saying hello and thank you, i don't have to have a deep conversation with her if she were to show up!

@Brooke: isn't it funny how relationships can change so much and how weddings can complicate them?

If you mean it, tell her this: "i know if i don;t invite her, then it will mean our friendship is over. that's fine with me. i just don't want to hurt her feelings. i don't want to be friends anymore, but i do wish her well and hope that she is happy." It would hurt my feelings to get a STD and no invitation. I would rather someone be up front.

If it's one of those things where you'll be buddies again in a few months, I would invite her. If having her there is not going to spoil your day, then have her there and afterwards withdraw from that relationship.

@Christina: Yeah it does...

I would not invite.

a STD is just that, a "save the date" not an actual invite.

things change and so do people.

you do not have to feel obligated to invite someone you no longer want around, who may ruin your day, just because a STD was sent.

also, if questioned on why an invite was not sent, you can use something like "due to finances, the guest list had to be cut, and i'm sorry, but you didnt make the cut due to our back and forth relationship, we decided to go with people who are ALWAYS in our life"

good luck!

I think most know a STD is an intent to invite. I would still invite if I felt a need. If she wants to wallow in her own self pity that is on her you still make sure you have an awesome night.