Dilemma: Should we cancel our wedding? I really don't wanna fight anymore :(

In my home country (Switzerland), everybody has two dates too, basically because you can't sign a marriage certificate outside the courthouse and send it in, so everybody is getting married there first and then has a wedding after. Mostly the weekend after, especially if it's in church.

I totally get her concerns, selling your car because you feel like you need (!) a dream wedding is a bit extreme for me. There is nothing wrong in spending money to celebrate with friends and family, but if you have to struggle to pay for it, that puts a strain on any relationship. Is it possible to scale back instead of cancelling? I think if she is hearing you talk about ideas, it's not that she is attacking you personally about them, but she sees the money that would have to go into it, so she wants to kill it early already.

First maybe drop the budget $5k that would help make her feel more comfortable. Then make a complete budget of what you will spend on each items. Last make a savings plan, showing her it IS POSSIBLE to save that much by your date. Then show her for a month or so that you can stick to the plan, possible as the money starts accumulating she will see its feasible.

If that doesn't work, just call it off. You are already married, maybe later down the line she will change her mind.

For 50 people you can have a BEAUTIFUL wedding for half your budget. I would suggest scaling your dream back and coming up with a plan for $10k. It seems the wedding party is more important to her than you so coming up with a cheaper plan but one that still incorporates your ideas would go along way. You could present it to her and explain you understand her reservations with the cost so came up with a less expensive but still beautiful option!

Thanks for providing more details! I think it is normal for one person in the relationship to do more of the wedding planning because they care more about the creative stuff. It would actually be very difficult if you and your wife both had lots of creative ideas. I am doing most of the planning and where I need help or have to make a decision, I ask my fiance. I have to be very clear about what I'm asking him to do.

It sounds like your wife is very focused on the budget. Have you tried the budget tool on Wedding Wire? Here is the link: https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding/UserMyBudget. It's easier for a budget-minded person to understand when you break down each category you need and the cost. I suggest putting your numbers in the budget tool. Then when you want to ask your wife something, show her the tool and the line item you're talking about. That way she can see that you are not asking to add to the budget, just how to allocate and stay in budget.

Thank you everybody for the responses!!! Maybe that's a good question to ask her. Actually we are going to Japan for my sister's wedding a month before our wedding so that's another expense as well. (We'll probably go there as a honeymoon) But we would have money for both since now my dad is giving us 15k because he wants us to do a proper wedding party. (Although we refused to take money and told him we can save money by ourselves, he asked me to take it and keep it even we don't use it for the wedding party.) So we'll probably have 20k + 15k so enough for the wedding costs and Japan trip. But she'll change her career in summer or later (which will be less salary than her current salary) and also I wanna do part-time job and go back to school next year. So she's worried about after our wedding as well. I still think everything is doable because I could wait school until we save more money. But I think it's not about possible or not, I guess she's still uncomfortable spending 20k for the wedding party and that's why she gets overwhelmed easily.

The biggest portion of money goes to the venue (6K). I don't mind cheaper places but I really wanted beautiful unique place where I can have a ceremony & reception at the same place. (Her dad is in a wheel chair so both must be at the same place plus wheelchair accessible.) We looked into some places but we couldn't find anywhere cheaper that we liked. Trust me, I really want to cut down the budget for the venue Next is the food. $150/ person for buffet style. It comes with cocktail hour snacks, tea/ coffee, and bartenders. 6K for 40 adults and we'll do DIY for kids meal. But it's an in-house catering so if we go with them, they'll knock off $1500? from the venue so it's total of 10k for the venue and the food. Our wedding rings are $25 for 2! lol and other things are very reasonable as we are trying to do lots of DIY. Maybe I could still save money here and there but it's really hard to cut it big like 5k unless we find an another venue.

NowASepMrs: I agree the marriage is about the two of us! But the wedding party is little different for me. For me, One of the most important thing about the wedding party is about hospitality to our guests, it's not only a day for us, but we as a team to create one memory. And I think that's a Japanese traditional thinking because all my friends agree with me on that part. For this wedding party, I'm only inviting my family, my best friends, soulmates, and closest friends who are extremely important to me. I'm a type of person who would give my friend the most memorable surprise birthday party ever. That's who I am and that's what I'd like to do for my wedding party. Because I love them and I'm here with my wife because they've been there for me and they all made me who I am today. So definitely I'm not doing this to show off. I'd like to give them the best NYC trip memories that they'll remember for life. And I know this venue will be perfect for that.

Zeo: I'm using that tool and it's very helpful and I love it!!!

After hearing all the opinions, I think it's better for me to write down the numbers for all the saving plan, the detailed wedding budget, and Japan trip cost for her and actually show it to her. And then emphasize that I WILL keep the promise and not go over the budget. Instead, I'll ask her for more calmness and willingness to discuss before suddenly exploding.

It sounds like you have a good plan. Based on your description, if I try to imagine her feelings, I imagine that she sees you coming up with lots of new ideas all the time. Maybe you are creative and can figure out ways to DIY them for cheap, and it also seems like you're just brainstorming instead of choosing to do ALL the things, but she might just be overwhelmed thinking that there are so many expensive things you'd like to do. I'm sure she would like you to be able to do all the things that you want, but it's hard for her to understand how it's possible, so she is getting frustrated.

Also, I am a frugal person. FH and I have ample savings-- we *could* have a wedding for $20-30k or more, but for us it's not worth it for a day, and we think we will be able to host our guests well for $10k. We are both not risk takers, so for us we like to keep a good amount of savings in the bank, especially because we would like to buy a house in the next few years. So, I just wanted to give you that perspective. I'm sure, especially with the gift from your dad, that she understands that it's possible for you to save $20k for the wedding. But she just fundamentally might be struggling with the idea of spending so much on one day's event. I don't think this is a difference that can be reconciled; you each understand the other's perspective it sounds like, but she will never decide that it's a good idea to spend so much (especially with a lot of possibly-expensive changes taking place soon after!), and you will never decide that it's not worth it to treat your loved ones as best as you possibly can.

Since it seems difficult to imagine you changing each other's minds, any time this conversation comes up, it would come to a fight unless you can both "agree to disagree" and compromise. Let her set the limits she's comfortable with (maybe $15k? Could you do that?), and then you can work within it, and keep discussion about the wedding to a minimum. Share your ideas with us! We'll be excited for you and can help you figure out if the ideas are feasible/how to do it more cheaply. Try not to bring it up to her too much-- I think it's a good idea for her to be on a need-to-know basis.

Regarding your question of if you should cancel the wedding, it seems like she would probably feel really guilty if you did this, so it doesn't seem like a good idea.

Good luck!

I don't think you should cancel. I think you should work this out and overcome it. If you need to postpone it, then do that, but with the things you are arguing about it doesn't seem like this is doomed and that you shouldn't have a party, you just need to figure out how to approach and manage things to make both of you happy. Managing large expenses is a part of being a couple.

If she can agree that 20K (or whatever your budget is) is do-able, then do that but make sure to stick with it (and she sticks with it). Otherwise, lower it a bit to see if she is more comfortable. Try to compromise. Whatever the budget ends up being, DO NOT overpass it.

How about you be in charge of the budget? Would she trust you with that? Just a thought since you are the one who wants all the fun/creative things and you know how much they cost. Keep her posted by giving her a percentage instead of a dollar amount (food is X% of the budget, this fun and creative idea is y% of the budget) Dollar signs scare people (including me!) so thinking of it as a percent of the TOTAL amount that you both know you're going to spend feels better than saying "we're spending $8000 on X", even though it's implied in a percentage. I feel it's a softer approach to keeping her involved with the spending. It really doesn't matter all that much what you're spending your 20k on as long as it is what you want in the end.

Another thing to consider is collect your ideas on your own and schedule a time with her in advance to discuss them. That way, she doesn't feel bombarded or attacked off guard by all these "off the wall ideas". And you have time to think about your approach and how to display your wonderful ideas without scaring her If you live together I would schedule a dinner or coffee date (out somewhere) so that you can discuss elsewhere, then when you come home you will feel at home instead of feeling like it is a hostile environment. It helps keep things calm because whatever you argue about, you leave it at the restaurant and move on.

Good luck

The red flag I saw is that you wanted a 20k wedding and sold your car for 9k, and had anouther year to save 10k, which means you had ZERO saved. Personally if we weren't both just starting out on our careers I wouldn't feel comfortable switching lifestyles that much to save 10k when it could be put towards things like retirement, vacation fund, etc... it sounds like your dad had some extra help after, so that should definitely relieve the stress some. I understand where your wife is coming from being alarmed with coming up with 20k starting with zero, but hopefully now that you're farther along you can see it's possible. Instead of talking about a 20k budget, why not break it up and talk about a 5k food budget, a 3k alcohol budget, a 2k, photography budget, etc...

Thank you everyone! I spoke to her yesterday. Before I started talking, she said let's do this wedding party because it's my dream. (We didn't talk for a day) I asked her if the idea of spending 20k is overwhelming her and she said yes. So I asked if she wanna change the venue (because that's the biggest money) but she was like "Hell NO!" lol And also I tried to compromise the videographer budget but she really wanted me to have everything... I told her that I'd like to compromise more and cut the budget so I can make her feel better. But I guess her mind was set for 20k for a while so she said as long as it doesn't exceed, it's ok and she doesn't want me to give up anything. She's just scared that I will come up with more and more ideas to spend money for. So she thought it WILL exceed the budget and didn't really believe that it'll stay in the budget. That's why she was always worried and stressed out. So I suggested that I will show all the numbers (I really like the idea of showing her the % but she really wanna see the numbers so unfortunately I gotta go with $$&dollar and also I told her that I can wait for my school if that's her another concern.

Also I like organizing the events and also I work on projects a lot so I know how to put things together but she hasn't really done it. So maybe that was another reason why she was scared because she just couldn't imagine how to make it happen. (We are not hiring a wedding planner) So I think it's a good idea to collect the ideas first, organize it and present it to her rather than telling her whenever I come up with the ideas. I think Lolerskates84 is right, before she said that she hates being caught off guard by my absurd ideas (that's what she calls lol) so maybe it's better to think like myself as a professional wedding planner so whenever I tell her about something, I should be able to provide all the information and the explanation why it is a good idea

I'm very spontaneous person so when someone comes up with a spontaneous idea, I get SO excited, so I really didn't understand why she would be mad at me. But now I'm learning that everybody's different. I really feel that this is what the marriage is about. Try to understand each other and find our own unique way to solve the problem I feel relieved that now I think we can over come this. And wedding wire is more than what I expected. It's not just a website but it's a community. I didn't know who to get advice from and I felt helpless so I'm glad that I wrote it here reached out you guys!

e=mc2 (Emily) You are right. We had zero saved as a couple since we started planning wedding party as soon as we got married. We thought of doing a wedding party in 2017 instead of 2016 so we'll have more money by then, but her dad might not make it by then so we decided to do in 2016. For other things in the future, we won't rush like this! And I think it's a good idea to break it up and talk about smaller budget since 20k budget sounds intimidating. *0*

I hate these types of questions/posts because there is never enough background information for us to answer questions like this. We don't know you, your wife, or your situation well enough to give this sort of advice. And the fact that you are already married and arguing about whether or not to have a party is just all kinds of no in my book. Planning is stressful, but if you are arguing to that extent and having second thoughts on more than one occasion, the answer seems pretty clear to me. Best of luck.

You might want to tell yourself that you have a $15k-18 budget, so that when extra fees or things pop up later, you don't go over.

Planning a wedding/vow renewal of that size is a stressful thing and it's not worth ending a relationship. Maybe try to sit with your SO and discuss calmly what you both want for that day and see if it's best to just cancel it altogether.

Oh no no! I never meant to end the relationship, I meant just the party itself! But I think we are good now and found a better solution after discussing And Holly, I totally agree with you! It's better to think and try to fit everything within 15k-18k so even the unexpected things come up, it'll still be under 20k!