Dilemma: Should we cancel our wedding? I really don't wanna fight anymore :(

Can I ask what the fighting is about? I know planning a wedding is difficult, but I can't imagine having blowout fights over it.

What are your fighting about? Is it about the details of the wedding or is it about family?

I agree with Rebecca. What are the issues? My FH have arguments and fights about wedding planning but we calmly talk them over when we are ready like always and come up with a resolution

Wouldn't it be ironic if couples regretting getting married because they fought so much about the wedding? Honestly, I think if your relationship isn't strong enough to handle wedding planning, then maybe marriage isn't the right decision (although I guess that ship has sailed already). Sure, it can be tough and yes, my H and I bickered at times about decisions that needed to be made, but I never once questioned our relationship as a result of planning our wedding.

And technically, when you got married was your wedding. You're now having a celebration of your marriage.

Oh boy. It sounds like at the very least, you postpone it, and I'd do it ASAP. Your venue may be able to resell the date.

And then talk about what exactly is at the root of the fighting....is one of you a spender and the other a saver? Is it difference is style? Is it a fundamental chasm in your personalities that might benefit from some counseling?

No party is worth wrecking a relationship over, but I can't imagine that fighting over a party is actually fighting over a party...

Yeah, just skip it if your wife is cool with it.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I unfortunately agree with Princess Consuela and Celia. Especially since this is not the first time the thought of cancelling the wedding has crossed your mind. We obviously can't know the whole situation, but taking a breath and not continuing with the wedding may give you the time to work on your marriage. Good Luck!

Sorry to hear that. What's the fighting about? The wedding itself? It costing too much money?

Maybe just have a nice dinner/reception instead so that your loved ones can still celebrate.

Marriage is so tough. Especially at first. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open.

Princess and Celia are on point. Planning shouldn't be able to break your relationship. You guys need to put planning on a standstill and find the root of the problem. If this can rattle your relationship that bad, you're in trouble for the long term if you don't sort out the root cause asap.

I mean, there are times where both FH and I bicker and then make the comment of, "Why can't we just elope?" if we kind of butt heads over being annoyed by family trying to add 10 people here, or the cost of something there. But it's never to just cancel a wedding entirely. I think it really depends on what you are fighting about.

If you want to say "screw it" because you can't seem to agree on colors, I think you're overreacting. If you want to say "screw it" because you realize how much money this is going to cost and/or other stress such as family butting in, taking over, etc. I can see why the thought crossed your mind. If your DW is turning into an entirely different person over wedding planning, I think there are different issues than wedding planning that need to be sorted out.

You're already married- it is concerning to me that you can't seem to handle planning a party without deep concerns about "cancelling" a wedding (for a marriage you're already in?)

Fighting through this process is normal. To me being able to clearly disagree and do so fairly is a sign of a strong relationship. If ever fight causes you doubt- that's a big fat red fleg.

You need to step back and evaluate what's the stressor- and if you want to work on communicating to fight fairly.

Yes fighting fairly is a thing- and it's totally healthy and normal. It's not fun- but it's normal.

Thank you so much for the comments!! I'm now writing what our issue is! This form is so helpful because I don't wanna tell these stories to my friends and make them worry

Why are you planning a wedding if you are already married? It's not a wedding ... it would be a vow renewal or anniversary party. 20K is a lot to spend on that. If you want to get people together, don't do it under a pretense of a wedding. Fighting aside, since you'll be married 1.5 years at that point, it just seems gift grabby to host a "wedding" that's not really a wedding. Save yourself the stress and don't do it.

You already had a wedding in March 2015 when you got married. Is this a vow renewal?

People have actually ended their relationships over wedding planning. It can spotlight the differences between two people. But, in your case that's a little too late. What you need to do is listen to what each of you wants in this "vow renewal" and meet each other half way...which is also an exercise in building communication and a strong marriage. It won't be the last huge disagreement you'll have whatever the reason.

I understand you not wanting to share personal details on a public forum, but we can't give you better advice unless we have some idea of what is wrong. Is it over little details like favours or wedding colours? Is it about the guest list? Is it because you're having a hard time planning an event jointly? What is worrying you more, the actual problems/sources of conflict, or the way she (or both of you) are dealing with said conflict?

I got angry at DH a few times because he dropped a couple bombs on me which affected the plans we had, and some stuff we had already paid for. We argued pretty bad, but didn't question the relationship, because these had to do 100% with wedding planning and would never happen again in our relationship.

If you are already married, then the vow renewal or celebration is not worth it if it's causing you two to fight. Why don't you spend the money on a vacation together and try to figure out what the root of all this arguing is coming from.

Without knowing what is causing the fights its nearly impossible to give advice.

If its the actually planning, then just skip it. Save the headache and your $20k. If throwing a party would destroy your relationship, that should be of concern.

I’d like to say thank you for all the comments! It’s such a rare opportunity to hear different opinions from people with different personalities & backgrounds.

First, we got married at the city hall just 2 of us and her mom. But we never had a wedding party? and now we are planning one so we can celebrate with our families and friends. I don’t know much about the tradition in the states but in Japan, married on paper (similar to getting a marriage certificate at the city hall) & wedding? could often be a different date and it’s normal to have a wedding party after getting married on paper. (Sorry I don't know much about the terms. It's a vow renewal? wedding party? Anyways I'll call it a wedding for now.)

My wife and I (both female), we have very different personalities with different values. What she cares the most is the budget and what I care the most is the creativity, quality, and hospitality to the guests. Wedding was my dream, and spending 20K was totally my idea because I really need it in order for me to create something that I want. Especially most of my guests are from Japan and I really want them to have a good time and give them special memories as well.

So when we first started talking about the budget, she thought it was ridiculous (she was thinking 10K maximum) because we have only 40-45 guests. But later she agreed to the budget. (First I thought she agreed because she understood why we needed money for but later I found out that she only agreed because she wanted me to have a dream wedding.) Although she agreed to the budget, it was causing us a lot of fights because we didn't have 20K at that time and she was very worried about the money.

But I knew we could save money by then because I was gonna sell my car for 9k ish (I told her too) and we had a year to save another 10k ish. Saving 10k in a year is totally doable for us but she’s a type of person who won’t feel secure unless she really has it in her hands.

So she was always stressed out.

She would just get annoyed or mad whenever I spoke about our wedding plan. She would get pissed off at my spontaneous idea that’s not even a set idea. I just wanted to enjoy the brainstorming part together and I was telling ideas to her with my excitement but she would get so mad and call it as a horrible idea and stuff. We had similar fights all the time (her getting pissed off at my ideas) so that was the first time that I said let’s cancel. I told her that I’m worried that it’ll damage our relationship by fighting too often. Having peaceful life with her was more important than having a dream wedding. Also I really didn’t understand why she was always so mad at me so I thought the wedding was just not for us.

That time, we discussed and we both tried to understand each other. She agreed that she shouldn’t get mad at my ideas when I didn’t even spend a dime. Also I learned that she really doesn’t care about the creativity part so I shouldn’t expect to share the excitement with her because it would just bother her. We came to the conclusion that I could decide pretty much everything as long as it stays within the budget because that’s what she cares the most.

After that, things started to go much better because she started to feel secure once I sold my car and she realized that we were also saving money properly. (We don’t have high salaries but we save money by really making an effort!) So she started to calm down and even started enjoying the planning part! Surprisingly she started to be more attentive and I was SO happy that she seems like she was actually enjoying it.

But now she started going back to her insecure mood because now she is more involved in the planning and she started to pay attention to the numbers and details. Also she started to be worried about our financial after the wedding.

So she started to get pissed off at my ideas again. I really want her to talk calmly and discuss so I can explain to her better or change my mind. (Well it’s just an idea so I didn’t even set my mind or anything) I really think it’s so easy to solve it if we actually talk calmly because the issue itself is nothing (at least to me) or so fixable. She misunderstands that I’m trying to spend more money whenever I talk about my “ideas”. But I’m not and I’ve never broke a promise and spent money behind her back. For me, I really don’t think we need to give up unless it’s absolutely impossible and that’s why I always think about the possibility first. And I think we could get most of it when we actually look for more possibilities. But she tends to give up very quickly. I think that’s why she gets mad when I’m trying to find a way because she thinks it’s impossible or unnecessary. She thinks I’m thinking a way to spend more money, but what I’m actually thinking is how to make it possible within the budget.

So now I’m wondering maybe it’s causing so much fights because the dream wedding is so important to me but not to her. Basically we are trying to work on things that we have completely different values. Do you think it’s something that it’s better to avoid and try to spend time on something that we both appreciate or because it’s a big challenge, we should over come? I’m a big fan of discussing and trying to over come obstacles rather than avoiding it, but because we have different values, sometimes it’s better not to force it?

She is a good wife and I can be a better person when I’m with her. I love her and respect her. I’m extremely happy when we don’t fight! But whenever we talk about things that we have different values (usually my endless ideas), she gets annoyed or mad because she’s a realistic person and not a creative person at all. She’s getting better letting it go or not taking it too seriously, and also I try not to talk about my spontaneous ideas too much, and things are ok. We are happy. But because wedding planning is a constant thing, I feel like there’s no end to getting out of these arguments

Sometimes fighting is ok so we can understand each other, but I believe constant fighting is not good for the relationship.

Thanks for responding! In the states, the wedding is the act of marriage, followed by a reception. What you're talking about is a reception/wedding party. People do have them much after the wedding but are typically called vow renewals (if you have a ceremony as part of it) or a party/celebration of marriage.

Why do you feel you need 20K to put on the day you want? I guess personally I feel the marriage is about the two people not how artsy, creative and expensive the party is. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just curious why. It seems that 20k is causing some issues in your relationship because she feels 20k is a lot to spend on a party. Would you be willing to cut back? 20k seems like a lot for 50 guests.