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Terri
Savvy April 2019

Difficult mother

Terri, on November 2, 2018 at 3:52 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 42

Hi guys! I think I just need to vent and I figured maybe I could borrow someone’s ears (or eyes in this case) and just have a little support. i got engaged last September to my long term bf of 6 years! I was so excited and thrilled beyond words, he is everything I could have hoped for. Anyway my...
Hi guys!
I think I just need to vent and I figured maybe I could borrow someone’s ears (or eyes in this case) and just have a little support.
i got engaged last September to my long term bf of 6 years! I was so excited and thrilled beyond words, he is everything I could have hoped for. Anyway my parents were going through a divorce so my fiancé didn’t talk with them before proposing, I am not sure if that’s what caused all the problems that have happened since.

Everything with the wedding planning is great, we found a great location and all the vendors we have wanted have been available and wonderful but when it comes to me having any support whatsoever from my family I come up short. My parents show very little interest. I have asked them to come to the tasting for the venue, dinner to meet the wedding party, asked my mom to help me host a bridesmaid brunch and nothing. I have tried sharing wedding updates and details and get very little to no acknowledgement.
The only time my mom gets somewhat involved is when she demands that i invite a friend of hers who then turned around and invited about 10 extra guests. So friend plus 10= 11! We have 110 guests we can have at the venue, so I get half that’s 55 people. So to have 11 guests I don’t want there just to please my mom seems unfair. Especially since my fiancé and I are footing the bill.
It really is crushing my soul that I don’t have my moms support. We have never had the best of relationships but I wanted to at least leave my home with a last good memory before I got married. Am I being a jerk? I think part of me feels like after the wedding we just aren’t going to keep in touch and that makes me sad.
I know maybe this is too much to unload but I have been diagnosed with depression in the past and even though I have so much to be happy about now I feel myself going down a bad spiral.

If you made it through the end thank you for reading through this!
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42 Comments

  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    No one is going to be as happy / excited for your wedding as you are. It sucks not having your mom’s support but don’t dwell on it. It’s hard to be happy for others when you’re not happy in your own life so I’m sure it’s difficult celebrating a Union when yours is falling apart.
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  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    I’d kindly tell your mom that you can’t afford those 11 extra people and call it a day.
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  • Miranda
    Devoted October 2018
    Miranda ·
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    I don’t have a relationship with my mom and my dad lives far away so I went through something similar. It came to a head when I went to a friend’s wedding and her family was clearly so involved and supportive...I literally spent the whole next day sobbing. But when it came down to it, lacking the family support actually brought me and my husband closer together because he was my support system (and good friends)

    so my points are:
    1. its ok to feel the way you’re feeling just don’t unpack and live there; you have so much to look forward to.
    2. Take the opportunity to get even closer to FS and also to find out who your friends are.
    3. This will be a time when peoples true colors come out; where my mom was absent, my aunt and cousins were there and SO supportive
    4. It’s ok to downgrade your family relationships. Cutting off my mom was the hardest thing I’ve EVER done but I’m much healthier for it.

    Anyways, keep chugging along, it will all work out!
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  • Jessica
    Savvy October 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Parents are a tough one with weddings. Our parents aren’t paying either, but all of them have a ton of opinions. Luckily they are helping with little stuff (my dad does carpentry so he is building stuff for us).

    I think its it’s important to try to focus on planning a day that will make YOU happy. If making your mom happy makes you happy, then fine! But make sure you aren’t sacrificing too much. I’d also try to talk to your mom, maybe she’s just feeling a little cynical because of the divorce? Have you tried to do any one on one wedding stuff with her? Maybe that will give you guys an opportunity to talk about the wedding a bit more!
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  • Marcla
    Savvy November 2020
    Marcla ·
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    I am sorry u have to go thru this. I am going thru the something. I have a renewal of vows ceremony because I got married in a court house. When I told my mama we were going have the wedding we never had she totally ignored me. Sence then I haven't brought it back up. So for now I am going pray about and remain humble. So keep your head up but I would also sit her down and Express to her that her friends aren't invited. Because you are paying for your on wedding and you are working on limited space and and money.
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Awww I’m so sorry, it makes me so sad that there’s so many of us out there. But you are right about being happy for the support system that is there for us, supporting us and loving us, especially our future husbands! I wish you all the happiness in your marriage!
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Hi there! Thank you for all the advice! I sadly have tried this approach but no luck Smiley sad I guess I’m finding solace in knowing I can’t have everything haha
    i honestly have even allowed 5 seats for this specific family but they want all 11 of them. Sigh. I’ll just hope for the best! Thank you!
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Hi! You are so brave! I will do my best to just try to move forward Smiley smile ty! 🤗
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Oh man, as I was reading this I realized I was nodding my head in agreement to everything you said. Sometimes I think I just need to feel like I’m not alone and am not making an awful choice for putting up with this negativity just because it’s my mom.
    I appreciate your kindness and your support so much more than you know. Thank you! 💕
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Omg! Can you please adopt me? Haha kidding. Kind of. But as I was reading your reply I had tears streaming down my face, I am grateful for people like you who are so kind and give such good advice that I’ll be able to carry with me for years to come. I have gotten so much support and strength here already from everyone’s kind words (I just joined yesterday btw) and I am so grateful. I am so excited for my future with my husband and you’re right! That’s what’s most important. Thank you again, your daughters are very lucky to have someone like you 🤗💗
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Wow! Thank you for sharing so much and relating it to my situation, you make some great points and I appreciate your insight. You’re so right about building a good foundation and I will reevaluate my priorities and focus more on my future husband and our future together. Ill give my mom space and hope that eventually we both find a happy place with or without one another.
    Thank you again for your kind words 💗
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Hi hi! Thank you for your advice! I actually have tried, and I wish I hadn’t. It’s okay, I have great friends and brothers and above all an amazing future husband who tries so hard to be there for me and understand me. Thank you for your advice and kindness 💕
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    You are so right! Thank you and I am so so sorry you went through something similar. It’s tough Smiley sad
    i hope your wedding is beautiful, you deserve to have a magical day! Hugs and thank you for writing to me 🤗💕
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  • Jazz
    Devoted June 2019
    Jazz ·
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    I'm not the original poster but I wanted to thank you for this response! I recently (Sunday) had an emotional talk to my mom about how I wish she cared about something else other than my dad and his cheating. (He's already gave her a heads up about filing for divorce). Every time I talk to her, she only talks about that and is obsessed with getting the woman in trouble with her church (she lives in a different country), where my dad is, etc. When my dad isn't home she texts my sister asking him where he is (she has him on find my iPhone, he doesn't know. but he's on her cellphone plan). It's been like this for a long time. It bothers me because, while I support her and want to be there for her, every conversation revolves around that and it just gives me anxiety. However, my mom does suffer from depression and I think she had it all of my life (I often felt she didn't pay attention to me or things I was trying to show or tell her as I was growing up). I never expected her to be super gun-ho about the wedding, she isn't like that. It's mainly about feeling like I or my sisters don't actually matter. I know I made her feel bad and she told me she wouldn't talk to me about it anymore but I told her it was more than that: that I wish she CARED about something else, like what she will do next now that they will eventually divorce. I called her yesterday to apologize for making her feel bad and that I know she is in a difficult position. My parents have been married 30 years but they've always had a horrible relationship. But I do understand that it could consume a person.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Consume is a very good term for it. It sucks out all the positive emotion that should be directed at least at the other people she loves. And for a long period, she will be incapable of changing. Though she likely would benefit from good counseling to turn her focus away from bad things done to her, and focus on redirecting her energy to things that will give a positive outcome, including a more supportive and 2-way happier relationship with daughter and others, turning the ship around is hard. But if you and OPZ can see that, you can have a little perspective that will show you, it is no lack if love for you. Simply the final step where she will with difficulty accept the final break-up. I hope you can not get dragged along, but have empathy for mom while not becoming depressed yourself. Now you have a partner, enjoy that without anything taking you down.
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Hi Jazz! I am so sorry about what you’re going through. It is so draining to want to share moments with someone that just isn’t having it. But my brother reminded me that I have to be happy for the people that are there and not focus on the ones that aren’t, honestly for me that shifted the focus a little more on what matters, WERE GETTING MARRIED!! I have found so much support here and I hope you find some solace but most of all I hope you find joy in knowing you found the person you’re marrying and that they share all the joys with you. Reach out if you ever need to talk or vent or just want to share something. I promise you I’ll always be excited for you! 🤗
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Hi! Thank you so much for this. You know, reaching out for a little bit of support here has made all the difference.
    Im even happy to share that im searching for therapy now so that I stop holding resentment and I can start my new married life with a clean slate.
    Thank you again for your kindness and perspective 💗
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  • Jazz
    Devoted June 2019
    Jazz ·
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    Hey Terri! Thanks so much for your kind words! I'm sorry for what you are going through as well and am happy to hear you're in such a great mindset. Lucky for me my FMIL is AMAZING. She is so supportive in every way and is always hypes us up haha. The conversation with my mom is still pretty fresh so your post definitely resonated. I've accepted it but sometimes there's a relapse here and there haha. I saw that you said you were looking into therapy! How awesome!! I'm going to a psychiatrist this week and will see if they recommend therapy! Glad you found WeddingWire Smiley smile and likewise: I'll always be excited for you too! Happy to have found a new friend!

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  • Rachel
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Rachel ·
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    I'm on the same boat. My family and some of my friends, have not been supported with my wedding. I don't know what it is? Some people say jealous much..... My mom has not really chimed in the wedding, but like you said the guest list. Right now, I would give you the advice people give me. Stick to you and your fiance' plan! Maybe, just tell your mom she has this many people to invite and tell her to pick her favorite. I know it feels harsh, but its your wedding not hers. Smiley ring Much love to you both and congrats!

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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Yay!! See it’s little things that add up and just make life and this moment in our lives that much sweeter 💗
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