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Terri
Savvy April 2019

Difficult mother

Terri, on November 2, 2018 at 3:52 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 42
Hi guys!
I think I just need to vent and I figured maybe I could borrow someone’s ears (or eyes in this case) and just have a little support.
i got engaged last September to my long term bf of 6 years! I was so excited and thrilled beyond words, he is everything I could have hoped for. Anyway my parents were going through a divorce so my fiancé didn’t talk with them before proposing, I am not sure if that’s what caused all the problems that have happened since.

Everything with the wedding planning is great, we found a great location and all the vendors we have wanted have been available and wonderful but when it comes to me having any support whatsoever from my family I come up short. My parents show very little interest. I have asked them to come to the tasting for the venue, dinner to meet the wedding party, asked my mom to help me host a bridesmaid brunch and nothing. I have tried sharing wedding updates and details and get very little to no acknowledgement.
The only time my mom gets somewhat involved is when she demands that i invite a friend of hers who then turned around and invited about 10 extra guests. So friend plus 10= 11! We have 110 guests we can have at the venue, so I get half that’s 55 people. So to have 11 guests I don’t want there just to please my mom seems unfair. Especially since my fiancé and I are footing the bill.
It really is crushing my soul that I don’t have my moms support. We have never had the best of relationships but I wanted to at least leave my home with a last good memory before I got married. Am I being a jerk? I think part of me feels like after the wedding we just aren’t going to keep in touch and that makes me sad.
I know maybe this is too much to unload but I have been diagnosed with depression in the past and even though I have so much to be happy about now I feel myself going down a bad spiral.

If you made it through the end thank you for reading through this!

42 Comments

Latest activity by Rachel, on November 7, 2018 at 7:26 PM
  • Brae
    VIP September 2019
    Brae ·
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    I'm really sorry that she isnt showing interest, but sometimes that's just how people are. Try taking to people that do show excitement like maybe inlaws, or bridal party and especially your fh. If no one seems interested come post here! We all will be excited with you. I also would not give into your moms guest requests especially if that means you can't have some people that you really want there. I hope she comes around, but dont let your happiness come from someone else's excitement about your event. You could be let down every time. Goodluck!
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  • HayMrsO
    Master October 2018
    HayMrsO ·
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    I am sorry that you do not have support for your mom. Since you are paying for the wedding, I don't feel like you have to accommodate all of those extra people. Simply tell her you don't have room for them. Doesn't really seem like you have the best relationship at the moment, so what is there to lose?

    Rather than fighting with my mom about her lack of interest in our wedding, I simply didn't talk about it with her anymore. I guess I had an unrealistic expectation of her. But in no way was I going to let her ruin our day. I hope you can do the same.

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  • Brittany
    Devoted March 2019
    Brittany ·
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    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and I hope things get better. For now, if she doesn’t make an effort to be involved I wouldn’t go out of my way to include her. Find something else (besides your FH) who shows interest and you can share everything with. (I honestly even tell my co-workers because I get excited) And when it comes to her inviting people- that’s your decision. It’s your wedding and your money so only invite them if you want them there. If you want to please her by inviting them anyways tell her she has to pay for them.
    If you want to resolve things you can try and have an honest conversation with her but since planning a wedding can be stressful it might be best to deal with your relationship after the wedding. I hope things get easier for you!
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  • Courtney
    Dedicated August 2019
    Courtney ·
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    I’m so sorry you are going through this, it must be very very hard especially because you want to turn to your mom. Have you had a discussion with her about what is going on with her? Maybe she has a reason or maybe the divorce has been hard for her.. I’m not justifying her actions to you, I’m just looking at both sides. I’m so sorry this is happening. I hope you guys can work it out but I’m glad that you have your fiances support
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    That’s really good advice about not basing my happiness off someone else’s. I’ll have to write that down to help keep my head up when I feel down. Thank you for your kindness. I just joined Wedding Wire so to have someone be so supportive right off the bat is amazing, thank you 💕
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Thank you! And you are so right, I had a different expectation and I have been really disappointed ☹️ but I’m going to try to focus more on the happiness that comes from being engaged and planning a future with my FH. Plus I do have a good support system in my fiancé’s mom and my brothers, but I can’t lie when I say that having my mom be more supportive would probably make this moment a little sweeter
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  • Brae
    VIP September 2019
    Brae ·
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    Of course! This is so sweet! Welcome to weddingwire! Post on my wall if you ever want someone excited for you!
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    You are so sweet! And so right! I guess I should reach out to people around me a lot more. I just had a different expectation from my mom but I shouldn’t let her dull my happy moment. Thank you 💗
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Hi hi! Actually as much TMI as this is, we haven’t ever had a good relationship. The last time I spoke with her about this was a few months ago and she shrugs it off. Makes it seem like I am always wrong. Maybe I just did this to myself and set myself up for disappointment but I really wanted to look back on my engagement and at least be able to say my mom was there. But you know what? I’m not going to cry about it. You guys are so sweet for writing and come and giving me strength. Thank you 💖
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    You have no idea how much I appreciate that! Thank you again 🤗
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  • Courtney
    Dedicated August 2019
    Courtney ·
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    Of course❤️ Again, I know it’s hard and I’m sorry you have to go through that, but don’t let it ruin your wedding day, you’ve tried and that’s all you can do. You’ll have a fabulous wedding and don’t let anything ruin that ❤️
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  • A
    Savvy November 2018
    Ashley ·
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    I'm really sorry you are going through this and you are not alone. I'm going through the same thing over here just about. I dont have any bridesmaids, not even a MoH, because no one was helping me or anything. My wedding is next weekend and I never had a bridal party or anything. My mother didn't even show up when I went dress shopping. I understand your frustration completely. It sucks having to go through that at what is supposed to be a happy time. Just try not to let it bring you down, this is your time, not theirs.
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Oh no! I am over here crying because that’s just not fair. I am sending you a huge hug. I am so grateful you opened your heart here so that I don’t feel alone. I wish you all the happiness on your wedding day and your marriage. And you are so right about it being our happiness and our day.
    We will stick together 🤗 if I can offer any comfort or need someone to listen to you I am here okay?
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  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
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    Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. A lot of people don't have supportive parents, me included. My mom passed away last year when I was planning my wedding and my dad decided since I wasn't his biological daughter that he no longer wanted a relationship with me. It hurt but wasn't a surprise because we never had a close relationship. I ended up not having any family at my wedding but I really didn't care or notice. I was surrounded by people who loved me and that's what I focused on.

    What gave me peace about the lack of family support was several years ago I realized they will never change. I will never have that close parent-child relationship with them. Once I realized that my expectations were readjusted and I stopped setting myself up for disappointment.

    Finally, I noticed you mentioned your mom just went through a divorce. From someone who has been divorced, I can tell you it is a sad and emotional process. Dealing with your wedding right now might be too much for her.

    In any event, focus on the happiness and love that surrounds you and try to accept the way things are with your mom so you don't keep getting disappointed.
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  • Terri
    Savvy April 2019
    Terri ·
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    Thank you! I am so appreciative that I have found so many amazing ladies offering support and insight. It really helps. Thank you for sharing what you went through with your family, I think I need to be more mature about my approach and set the bar a lot lower.
    i think for the past few months I have been focusing more on what I don’t have rather than what I do have and that’s not fair Smiley sad
    youre right about the divorce too, I can’t imagine it being an easy process. I really don’t expect a full on interview just a little interest would be nice but I’m coming to terms that I can’t expect people to be something they don’t want to be or can’t be? Idk anyway thank you for your kindness. You look beautiful in your wedding photo btw 🤗
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  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
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    Thank you!
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  • Stephanie
    Super August 2019
    Stephanie ·
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    I ABSOLUTELY understand. My mom hasn’t been super involved, and saysa she’s excited but hasn’t wanted to have anything to do with planning or dress shopping (I showed her a few dresses and she told me I shouldn’t wear any of them...). It’s extremelly difficult. I’m not super close with my mom, but I’d still love to have her input and excitement since she is my mom!! I totally feel you girl. It’s tough. I’m so sorry!! My FH is super involved in planning, which has been great and helped with some of my disappointment with my mom’s lack of.. And I’m beyond thankful for my super involved girls though, my sister MOH and my BMs have been absolutely fantastic and excited and involved and helpful and I’m sooooooo grateful for them!!
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  • Christine
    Savvy October 2019
    Christine ·
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    Ok...so only because you asked, here’s my opinion.

    First - who is paying?

    Second, invite your mom to lunch and discuss one on one what is going on. MAYBE she is so caught up in the divorce and her life with the changes that she doesn’t realize what she is doing. Maybe a conversation would fix it.

    thiird, do the same with your dad.

    if you and your FH are paying and the conversation doesn’t fix things-my advice then would be to politely tell her that her guests (whether is all of them or some of them. Possibly assign her a guest number she is allowed sort of like when you were a child fir your birthday parties.). If she is paying, you may have to deal with the unwanted guests.

    but, I would be upset too if this was going on for me. Good luck! I hope this helps
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  • WED18
    July 1993
    WED18 ·
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    As a mom, this breaks my heart 💔. But my middle daughter who is actually my step daughter (hate calling her that) went through the same thing with her bio mom. Her mom has been divorced twice and planning any type of event is just not her thing, especially a wedding. My daughter and I talked about this early in her engagement and decided that even though her mom wasn’t showing any excitement or offering any help, it would be best if I didn’t get involved with the planning either because if I did it would only cause issues between her and her mom. On the day of, her mom showed up 4 hours late for getting ready. She missed her HMU appointment that our daughter had paid for on her behalf, and she missed the getting ready shots. While waiting in the back of the church, her mom stepped on her train several times and it finally ripped. The train was designed to be removable, so my D just reached down, removed it and tossed it aside. She then looked at my H and said, “let’s do this!”. She was so excited to be getting married that nothing, not even her mom, could ruin the day. My advice to you is not to let others steal your joy. There are plenty of people excited for you and as disappointing as it is that your mom is not your biggest cheerleader, your big day is about you and your SO. I’m sorry it’s not the fairytale you probably dreamed of, but I’m sure your mom loves you, even though she’s not into the planning. Sometimes those closest to us let us down, but it’s not because they don’t love us. Hugs to you and hopes that your day is everything you dream of!

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Most people, even when they are sick to death of their spouse, get depressed for 6 months to 2 years after a divorce. The lack of excitement you sense may be that dulled, seemingly blank emotionally, post divorce depression. She might not be able to hold any sustained wow, that is great, level happiness if she won a car and a cruise around the Caribbean, as a newly divorced friend of my parents did, and all anyone hears about is how lousy the color and choice of options on the car, and every bad thing that ever happened to anyone on a cruise. Like he was sent s death certificate with his name on it, not a prize. She I'd accepting the finality of the end of the way of life that was marriage and family, and WOW you are engaged, and you are leaving her too, how exciting that is! That she is accepting enough to have proposed a guest is a good sign she is not angry about the wedding , Just no energy for the positive stuff you should have sent your way. Do not make any judgments that she no longer cares, or that you need to get used to not having much of a relationship with her after you are married. It may just be she is doing the best she can while not sad, but depressed, all positive feelings tamped down in a nonspecific way. She once was probably pretty excited to be engaged, in love with life, looking to a bright future, doing all the happy nesting things. And just when parents marriage has ended, she is reminded of those now gone times when you talk excitedly, and she is just one big wet blanket on your feelings. But not from any malice toward you or FI. As finally as can be, she is looking st wreckage, when you are happy. Try to find support elsewhere. You may need to cut her back to the guest you already approved of, and just a couple more. That is fair for your size wedding. And you are paying, your budget. But if you understand her, you may be able to rebound and feel sadness and empathy for her, but in not taking it as her rejecting you, not be depressed yourself. You have wanted this a long time, FI is happy, planning is going well, and mom is on an emotional trip and will come back next year. And may have enough settled in her life to make you both feel a part of her life again. I was a real pill when my first husband died. Married in May, a widow 3 months later. And after struggling to pay attention my first semester in grad school, where we were supposed to be married and doing it together, I joined the army. It bought me psychological relief, a time out from my life. But the 3 weddings that next year, a sister, a college friend and a first cousin in my grade for 8 years of school and my next door neighbor, I got 2 days leave for each, but I was running on empty. I really was happy for each couple, and after almost a year I actually started relating to everyone again. The death of a long marriage, even when a relief in some ways, is a hard thing to pair with your excitement. As people above have said, come back here. Plenty of real interest and support to be found. Keep this a happy thing for you two. Do not let this awkward family time hurt. You cannot be dependent on others for your happiness. So focus on planning with FI, the first step in building a solid marriage. Marriage is different than just being together, so build a strong foundation for yourselves by doing things together, even when doing things 1 of you think is unimportant. It is all shared. And I think that is what you are missing from your mom.
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