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Just Said Yes May 2021

Difference in opinion about honoring dead family

Heidi, on July 25, 2020 at 11:20 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 23

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Okay, this will be long- please bear with me. I’ll section this out so it’s a bit easier to understand (hopefully).

Basic event details:FH and I will have been dating 5 years next week. We got engaged Nov. 2019, and our wedding date is 10/17/20. We are not postponing, nor are we cutting back on the guest list because where the event space is, there are very little if any restrictions for COVID. We plan to have ceremony, cocktail hour, and reception same day, with total guest list of 80-85 invited.
Basic family dynamics and relationship details:- I grew up in a non-broken home, had an idyllic childhood on a farm, lots of family gatherings, always getting together or calling on the phone to chat. My parents are still married, and are very involved in my life still. However, my paternal grandparents both suddenly passed away at different times when I was younger. They helped raise me when I was very little, due to busy life situations with my parents (I’m first-born). So, they were like a second set of parents to me, and I had a *very* strong bond with them.- FH grew up in a broken-ish home, dad was barely present, mom did everything for the family. FH was SUPER close with his mom, and still holds her in very high regard. He didn’t see his other relatives much, and the family didn’t really do “traditional family gatherings”. FH’s mother became very ill in the last few years of her life, and her health greatly declined, ending in an early death. FH met me a couple years after that happened, so I’ve never known his mom.
Current situation:We are deep into planning, and are struggling with how to handle deceased family members that meant a great deal to each of us. We got into a heated argument over this tonight, and it’s weighing heavily on my mind. I need some outside advice and opinions to help me formulate how to move forward with discussions on the matter.
My opinion/want:I initially wanted to honor the deceased in some way, via photos of them at their own weddings on display at a table with a lit candle and small signage stating something along the lines of “In remembrance of those who can’t be with us today” -or- “All that we are & all that we hope to be, we owe to our loving families”. For the mother/son dance, I suggested he dance with one of his aunts (grandparents are all deceased).
FH’s opinion/want:He doesn’t want to do a mother/son dance at all, as he feels that there is no substitute on this planet for his mom. He did not want pictures, but would be ok with names on a small sign with verbiage about honoring them, and a candle, if I absolutely had to have some “in-remembrance” table. He ultimately would prefer to not have ANY references to any of the dead, as he said “it’s not a funeral and this is supposed to be a happy event, so why should we shove sad memories in our guests’ faces?”
In Conclusion, TL;DR:FH’s mom died before I met him. I want to honor her and family from my side that I held dear at our wedding, but FH doesn’t want to. However, FH would be ok with only having my family’s dead remembered publicly, since that was my desire. How do we compromise or move forward in discussion about whether to honor the dead in a public way, discreetly, or not at all visibly (let each person remember on their own terms in their thoughts if they want to.)?

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23 Comments

Latest activity by Karina, on August 9, 2020 at 12:12 AM

Savvy October 2023
Cristal · on July 25, 2020 at 11:57 PM
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Hi Heidi,

I can relate to what your FH is going through. I lost my mother and father seven years ago and I can tell you the heartache of losing ones parents never goes away. With that being said, it is so kind of you to want to include the memory of his mother into your wedding. Although I find it important to remember that people grieve differently. He may want to honor her memory privately. I believe it is important to respect his wishes and not convince him to have a mother/son dance or to have any photos of his mother at your wedding if this will bring up feelings of sadness for him. However if you want to have a father/daughter dance, you should! And it does sound like he’s the type of guy that would respect that decision 🙂
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on July 26, 2020 at 12:08 AM
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For the traditional mother/son dance...just skip it. A spotlight dance is intended to honor a special relationship, and unless he specifically wants to honor his relationship with one of his aunts, just don't do one, otherwise it feels more like you're just trying to check something off the list.
For the remembrance table, that is a little trickier. The first thought I had is that you could show him some Pinterest photos of tables from other weddings, so that he can see how common it is, and that it is not just some strange idea that you've come up with. His idea of names instead of photos seems like a good compromise in the middle though. If he is really opposed to it, maybe find a way that your officiant/clergy can incorporate a few words/thoughts of remembrance into the ceremony instead?
I think also approach it from the angle by explaining that not doing anything might feel like a weird omission to many of your guests. Your guests will be thinking, Oh what a shame so-and-so isn't here to see this beautiful day, or So-and-so would have just loved this, etc. So whether he likes it or not, both his mom and your grandparents will be on everyone's minds and may find it comforting to have some tangible remembrance to connect their feelings with. It doesn't necessarily mean it's sad. It's just a way to include them in the celebration. In fact, maybe even position it to him that way...how can your family members who can't be there physically still be included/represented?
Sorry that was long. Hope you can find a solution that you are both happy with!
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Devoted August 2022
Sinaya · on July 26, 2020 at 12:17 AM
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If he doesn't want to do the mother/sone dance then don't force the issue. That's his decision to make and his feelings around that are valid and should be respected. Another way you could honor your grandparents and his mother is to leave a seat available at the ceremony in the front row with a sign that says "in memory of....." and you can include framed picture on the chair as well. However I do like the idea of also just having their names in writing on some sort of nice signage. I think if you want to honor your grandparents then fine a way to do that, but don't force him to do the same for his mom if that's not what he wants.
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Just Said Yes May 2021
Heidi · on July 26, 2020 at 1:22 AM
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Hi Sinaya, thank you for the input. In no way do I want to force him to do anything that he doesn’t feel comfortable with. When we first began talking about this subject, I was eager to help him honor his relationship with her, and was suggesting alternatives to what’s traditionally done. When he was very quick to dismiss most of what I offered, I was a bit hurt, and felt like he wasn’t even considering the options and was denying any help from me.

I have seen at some weddings the empty chair at the front to symbolize the place where the deceased would have sat, but I think it would be extremely painful for my FH, and just as painful for me too. I still cry over my grandparents’ deaths to this day, and I am already going to be a mess day-of the wedding because I will want so badly for them to be there. My FH hates showing emotions, and I know he will be hurting just as much as me.
I think going forward I’ll suggest having the names maybe printed in the program for our ceremony to honor them, and/or do just their names on a small sign at the guest book table. Having something larger and in direct sight of all might be too much. Thanks again for the response and ideas.
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Just Said Yes May 2021
Heidi · on July 26, 2020 at 1:32 AM
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Yes, he is very respectful of what I’m wanting done for the wedding, within reason of course. I would never want to force him to do things he is against or wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable with.

The main reason the discussion turned into an argument is because of how he was so quick to turn down the alternatives I suggested, such as dancing with an aunt. After he explained his quick thought process, I was able to understand better why he felt the way he did. He does not talk about his mom very much, and so I’m at a disadvantage here because I’m not super knowledgeable on his feelings about her. Other than the obvious, that he holds her in very high regard and had a close relationship.
I’ve been leaning towards not doing any special honor dances at all, because I know him seeing me with my father will be difficult. No matter how I choose to honor my family, it’s going to be sad for him. Ugh, it just feels like there’s only the option to just not honor anyone and keep the focus entirely on us. But, that feels like a cop-out, and I know he wouldn’t be okay with it, because he knows that’s not what I want.
I will definitely digest what you’ve said, and do some thinking about how best to approach the subject again- and hopefully with more understanding and empathy. Thanks for the input!
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Just Said Yes May 2021
Heidi · on July 26, 2020 at 2:15 AM
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No worries about the length- I love to read lol. And, thank you for the input, I appreciate it! You brought up some good points about considering how it would look to guests if we didn’t honor his mom at all. This was one of my concerns. The loss of his mom is common knowledge amongst about 80% of our guests. I don’t want to only honor my side’s deceased, as that would come off super awkward to everyone who knows about his mom. But, I also don’t want to just completely ignore both sides’ loved ones
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Super February 2020
Andrea · on July 26, 2020 at 4:23 AM
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Both my paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather passed, and actually my grandpa passed 3 weeks before we married.

It felt important for me to do perhaps a lit candle or photos somewhere even if we had a small ceremony. My husband was completely against it because he said he didn’t want to make it about people who had passed away, but instead it was supposed to be a joyous moment of our two families joining. I had thought about having the little picture frames on my bouquet, but instead went more subtle. I wore a ring my maternal grandpa gave to my maternal grandma, as he was my closest grandparent - and it really hit me hard him not being around. I didn’t bring it up anymore with my husband about honoring his dad. Your FH sounds like my husband, they rather do something privately without peering eyes.
So, if you want to have a father daughter dance you should totally do it! And maybe he’s comfortable with the picture frames on your bouquet. It would be sweet if you printed a photo of him with his mom so he can put it in his inside pocket, kind of like his mom is there with him and no one has to know.
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Super September 2021
Sharon · on July 26, 2020 at 8:33 AM
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I'm sure it will already be a very emotional day for both of you and you will both deeply feel the loss of his mom and your grandparents. It might too hard for him to have such an obvious reminder on display.
In a way, he is right. It should be a happy day focused on you two creating a life and family together, not a memorial service. I totally get the need to want to honor them but there are more subtle ways to do it. Everyone there knows who is missing. You don't need a big display. It's about what's best for both of you, not your guests. I like his idea of the candle and their names. I pinned my grandmothers wedding ring inside my dress near my heart to honor her and had a picture charm of his dad on my bouquet. The mother/son dance isn't necessary at all. My mother-in-law is in a wheelchair. Dancing isn't possible and it's fine. You can also have the officiant say a little something in memory of them during the ceremony.
Above all, you both have to find a compromise that you're both happy with. No matter what you decide they will be there with you on your special day.
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 26, 2020 at 8:54 AM
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I once saw a couple list them in the program, which I thought was very understated and nice. Just another idea
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 26, 2020 at 8:57 AM
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Also, like PP have said, weddings are emotional already. There was a reminder of my deceased grandfather at a family wedding and after a few drinks everyone was sobbing about missing him
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Master 0000
Judith · on July 26, 2020 at 9:40 AM
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I think that past a year, their deaths should not be brought up in a memorial table exhibit. This is , at most, an item for a couple lines each on a program, a very brief mention of how they added to the happiness of your childhood, and you will always carry their money with you. A wedding simply is not a memorial event. It is a happy joining of those present here now. I carried mementos of 3 beloved grandparents and a childhood friend, in a beaded sealskin bag with a wristloop. For me. Not to share with everyone. If FI had wanted someone as a substitute, fine. But there is no need to have a dance at all in the absence of his mom. And nobody but FI should have any day. His family, he says no, no it is. Spotlight dances are an optional thing to begin with. Many with all parents livingdo one or none.
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Dedicated April 2022
Countrydarlin2022 · on July 26, 2020 at 9:43 AM
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It’s fh wedding too if he doesn’t want a mother son dance don’t force it on him I would skip the whole in memory table it could bring up tears and it’s a happy time I would side with fh on this one
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VIP August 2020
· on July 26, 2020 at 10:05 AM
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I definitely agree with the person who said that everyone grieves in their own way. For me, I would think it was nice to have pictures of old wedding photos from family members' (with good marriages) weddings, but specifically making it into a memorial would be sad. It could help to find a way to honor/include his mother that isn't specifically related to her death. Ask him (or his aunts if he doesn't know) if he knows what her favorite color or flower was and incorporate it into your bouquet. If she had a piece of jewelry that she loved, maybe you could borrow it to wear at your wedding. If you put her picture on a table or her name on a list, you're bringing up the fact that she's not there because she is dead, but if you include something that made her happy while she was alive, you're including her in a more positive way.
I'd rather make people think, "his mother would've loved this," than, "it's too bad his mother couldn't be here."
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on July 26, 2020 at 10:13 AM
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You said you are looking for a compromise but your FH has already offered you one that you don’t want. He has told you how he feels and what he wants/does not want, but is willing to compromise so you can have what you want. Listen to him.
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Devoted August 2021
Monica · on July 26, 2020 at 11:15 AM
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He could definitely remember his mom in a private way... Does he have any of her old clothes? He could make a handkerchief or something or just keep something of hers in his pocket? Like previous posters have said, everyone grieves differently. My dad died 10 years ago and I can't imagine having a memory table or open chair. That would be way too painful for me. Instead I'm sewing part of his old sweatshirt into the inside of my dress in the shape of a heart so just I know it's there.
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Super February 2020
Andrea · on July 26, 2020 at 1:16 PM
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Oh man, there was a whole paragraph I wrote on my post about my husband losing his father a couple of years ago as well as his uncles that got accidentally deleted cause I wrote to you at 1am. My post sounds like my husband is a dick telling me no for my request! But, our conversation revolved around my grandparents and his dad & uncles who passed, with one of his uncles and my grandpa going a few weeks before our wedding.

Regardless, try to find something subtle to honor your loved ones because it should be a happy moment for you two!
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on July 26, 2020 at 8:32 PM
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I didn’t read all the comments. But, this is what I did and could maybe serve as a compromise for you too.
I do not like pictures and a memorial table. Not for exactly the same reasons as your FH, but I don’t feel they are appropriate at a wedding. Just my opinion.

That being said i did want my deceased grandparents to be there that day. So, instead I had small things around the reception that represented each person. For those that knew it was sweet but for those that didn’t they probably just thought I was crazy (I had my grandpas Pinocchio sitting on the bar). I also played a song that made me think of my uncle in memory of him. No announcement or anything was made to point that out though.
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Super October 2021
Ashley · on July 26, 2020 at 10:10 PM
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I have to say that losing a parent is not the same as losing grandparents. I was extremely close to my grandparents, but the loss of them isn’t the same as the loss of my father. Everyone copes in different ways, and I don’t think it’s fair to keep suggesting ways to honor his mother if he has made it clear that he’s not comfortable with it. It’s such a personal thing, and it really has to be his decision. Since he would prefer not having any public acknowledgements, the fact that he’s willing to be okay with you honoring your loved ones in that way is already a compromise. I’m not quite sure why that compromise doesn’t work for you.
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Devoted October 2020
Teresa · on July 28, 2020 at 5:20 PM
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What about something a bit more personal for you. Here's a thought that I am doing with my would have been brother in laws. I never got the chance to meet them as they passed 2 year apart and a few years before the FH and I met. I am having very small key chain size frames attached to mine and the FH's flowers. I have one on the handle of my bouquet where only I will know it is there. The FH's will be under his boutonniere.

Side note, but this is not a part of the initial idea. We are setting aside a seat for them that will have a poem I wrote to them, since I never had the chance to meet them that was my way of introducing myself to them. You can have a chair for your grandparents and maybe you could write his mother a letter like this and just keep it tucked away somewhere in the back of the frame for you grandparents or in your bouquet. Then you are honoring her in a way that will work for you, since you seem to feel strongly about honoring them all and he doesn't. It's not being deceitful or deceptive but it lets you include her in your remembrance.

There is a compromise here for you and the FH. Maybe something like this will work for you both. Who knows maybe one day, the then husband, will be warmed by this IF he stumbles upon it one day. Maybe not, but either way you will know that you were able to meet your needs and respect his privacy.
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Master October 2022
Jana · on July 28, 2020 at 5:35 PM
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Respect his wishes. If his mom isn't around, skip the spotlight dance. Everyone grieves in their own way and while you may definitely may miss someone being able to attend, not everyone wants to have or is comfortable with a memorial at a wedding. Maybe you could have pictures of passed relatives in a locket on your bouquet?
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