Destination Wedding

Was there a reason you decided to get married somewhere that you knew your fiance's parents couldn't attend? I know my mother-in-law feels destination weddings are selfish so she would have been very upset if we had decided to do one. I think you guys should have discussed this with them before you ever booked a destination wedding. Honestly, I don't think there is much you can do. I am not sure what you are asking about gifts, but no is required to give you a gift. I also don't understand the question about the alcohol, but no is required to pay for anything they don't want to.

Unfortunately, when people pick destination weddings, they have to be aware that not everyone will be able to make it. If those people were VIPs then they should have checked to see if it was possible for them to attend. It sounds like they wanted something private, which is ultimately their choice. Personally, I would have chosen a place that immediate family could attend, but it was their decision. His family is under no obligation to pay for anything. The days of families having to pay for certain aspects of the wedding/reception are gone. If they don't want to pay they don't have to.

I'm a little confused, are you a relative of a couple having a destination wedding? Also, no one is required to pay for anything unless they are the ones getting married. Are you saying that the ceremony is at the destination and the reception is back home and that's what everyone is invited to?

View Quoted Comment

It doesn't sound like it's her wedding, rather, someone she is close to

View Quoted Comment I wasn't sure, but whoever's wedding it is should have considered this before.

Sorry, when I signed up, it signed me up like a bride...I picked, other, I'm a family member on the groom's side. It was discussed that the groom's parent's wouldn't be able to attend....originally the plan was untraditional venue but typical set up...it was a bit of a shock since the discussion happened that the groom's family couldn't attend....the response was to leave rhe siblings at a hotel and come. Mind you this isn't a safe country to be traveling in let alone leaving children unattended in a hotel. The mother understands it's about them, she's just crushed. The whole tjing has been rocky from the start. The strange part is her mom was really pushing for it, the groom's parents can only assume that the bride's parents will end up going, leaving them out, this has been the theme throughout the relationship, no matter how hard his parents have tried. If the reception is at her parents house it will be awkward for the groom's family so they may not attend that, plus they planned it on the little sisters sister's birthday. It's just not a good situation-sad really.

View Quoted Comment I'm really sorry this is happening. It doesn't sound like their son really took his family's feelings into consideration which is a shame. It also sounds like the bride's family is trying to make this about them and the bride and groom should really have stepped in and said no. Unfortunately there isn't much that the family can do. It is completely understandable that the groom's mother is crushed. Although it isn't ideal, is there any family that isn't attending that the groom's younger siblings could stay with his just his parents attended? I definitely wouldn't leave them alone at a resort in a foreign country.

1 Of course they can say no to paying for something— that’s up to them and absolutely not their responsibility. The couple having the wedding is responsible for financing it.


Gifts are always *gifts* and not required and at the discretion of the gift giver. If you don’t want to give a gift, don’t. If you want to, do. Attending the ceremony or not shouldn’t be the thing that dictates that.
I definitely understand the parents being upset if they’re not included in the wedding. Absolutely 100% thats a decision the couple has to make and accept responsibility for if they hurt feelings, and for some reason it seems they’re okay with this and without knowing their motivations it’s hard to really understand/indicate understanding/offer consolation. Their reasons could be personal and decent or their reasons could be , frankly, crappy. One thing that is a little confusing in this post is you call it a destination wedding at a resort and then say no one is invited— do you mean no one or just that it’s a small crowd? If it’s a proper elopement and truly no one is invited, it’s a very different ballgame than “a small handful of people were invited , including the brides’ parents who can go, and the groom’s parents who can’t go” — one is more hurtful than the other.
But at the same rate, it’s also not fair to say that having kids under 18 makes it impossible for the groom’s parents to attend. It doesn’t. It makes it more of a challenge. It may make it more expensive. Maybe prohibitively so. But it’s not an exclusionary line drawn in the sand, it’s a problem given to them to solve, and as long as they are actually invited— it’s on them to decide whether to try to solve that problem or not. There are ways. They could travel without the kids (leave with friends or family). They could travel with the kids and stay at a different resort and figure out how to just attend the wedding without the kids. If they’re invited but not the kids, they’re not being excluded but simply have some work arounds to figure out.
That’s the pragmatic aspect. Emotionally, of course it hurts to not be so directly included. It’s a weird line where they’re not necessarily wrong for wanting what they want, but certainly still crushing to realize that you may not be part of what they want. The best consolation is the hope that they have their reasons, and it’s the best thing for them, and it’s not personal. Could I imagine planning a wedding without my whole immediate family, siblings included ? Absolutely not. I would’ve done anything to get them there. But , that was me, and my approach to a wedding. Weddings are very personal and intimate things. They really are for the couple more so than anyone else— that’s important not to lose sight of. My best friend (of maybe 25+ years) who is very much family to me ended up eloping recently . Am I disappointed not to have been able to celebrate with her? ABSOLUTELY. But there were so many factors and family relationships and personal losses in their history that I understand why it was so important for them to be just the 2 of them. I would’ve loved to have been there, but, it is what it is. I sent a gift as I am still so so happy for them.

View Quoted Comment I respect your logic in the situation. Anyone can go to the wedding, if they can. No one is excluded, except the groom's siblings, of course...which is problematic in every conceivable way...let's add to this...the reception is on his little sister's 6th birthday!

View Quoted Comment The parent's will not attend without the siblings...at this point they are focusing on the siblings healing from this. The little sister was so excited to be a flower girl, she's heartbroken...she will be ok, but she does mention it. Lets add to this the reception is on his little sister's 6th birthday, he will be in Jamiaca on his 21st birthday...so the family misses that too....It just all seems like a big slap in the face. How rude would it be to not attend the reception?

Of course the sad reality is some people aren’t good people, and some marriages are not good marriages. And there’s not really anything anyone can do about it. Except. Be there. Remain civil. Remain supportive. And always be open if something goes sour, so they can come back into open arms.


I didn’t mean above to sound like I am taking the bride’s side, it sounds tense and awful and devastating; she and her family sound controlling and unpleasant. But there really is so little that can be done without jeopardizing the relationship completely. So it’s important to tread carefully and be as understanding as possible even if you don’t really understand.
As the groom’s parents, I’d sit him down for emotional appeal. Not telling him or asking him to change. Just explaining to him how disappointing it is to have to struggle with the ability to attend. That you’re happy if he’s happy and you would love to be there for him , but given the circumstances want him to understand why maybe you can’t. That you do still want to celebrate with him and see him happy, and that you’re sad to be missing the main event.
And then, be as supportive as possible while still stepping back to let them make their own decisions. Maybe they’ll end up happy and distant and it’s a huge bummer but at least he’s happy. Or maybe he’ll end up miserable in a controlling marriage and some day come crawling back to mom and dad really needing them— which is why I’m ALWAYS cautious to advise leaving the door open.

View Quoted Comment If they aren't willing to leave the children with family or friends then that's their decision. It is hurtful the younger children can't attend, but a lot of people have adult only receptions so I don't think it is really any different than that. We had one. If you don't want to attend the reception that is 100% your own decision.

View Quoted Comment So true! The show must go on.

Thanks for the advice

It really rubs me the wrong way that the groom's parents are expected to pay for the alcohol (or anything at all) when they were functionally excluded from the destination ceremony (arguably the most significant and emotional part of a wedding)


No one is required to pay for anything. Gifts are not required. Period.

That is so disappointing and I'm sorry you guys are going through that. Personally, my FH and I are doing a destination wedding (I know some people may think I'm the worst) but we have been 100% understanding and reasonable with everyone who is invited. We have kept it to close family and have had a long engagement preparing everyone for the knowledge that this is what we will be doing from the day we got engaged. Everyone that we talked to is also VERY excited for this as well, some people are also using this as their vacation and thats okay! I have younger siblings currently 11,9, and 7 and i couldn't IMAGINE spending this day without them. To each their own I guess, you unfortunately cannot change their minds. I think the grooms parents should stand their ground and not pay (unless they want to). We are also not doing a registry because #1. people are already paying to come to the wedding and #2. we dont need anything. My personal opinion that its a little tacky to do both a DW and a registry but again to each their own! You certainly are also no required to pay or give a gift its just come about as "etiquette".

Since it's a destination wedding I'd say just get a small gift since it's already costing you to attend.

For a destination wedding, agree small gift.

NO, your parents are not obligated to pay for anything. I would suggest they explain to their son in private how disappointed they are.

View Quoted Comment Exactly! It seems insane...last night they asked if, instead of a present the in laws could give them money for their wedding...I can't even at this point. The good news is that for whatever reason this request made the mother in law laugh...I'm not sure if it's a coping mechanism or if she truly sees the absurdity in the whole situation, but at least she seems to be in better spirits! I am sharing with her these posts, she needs to know she's not crazy for feeling so hurt! Thank you for that

View Quoted Comment In truth the mom did say this is what breaks her heart the most, that her oldest just doesn't care if his siblings are there, just the fact that they are so disposable is hard, then to continue to ask the parents for money, because her family has none or won't pay for things. It's hard to see your child hurt others when you were determined to raise them to be kind. The 16 year old son during the discussion about the wedding said, "I'll just go with you", and she had to tell him he couldn't even if he wanted to, mom said the hurt and silence from him was deafening....and the wedding couple just sat there unruffled. It's just difficult to have a child treat others, especially family with such disregard. There really wasn't any kindness in an explanation, no softness about the situation. Either silence or it's about us. Mind you, his mom is, "the mom" you know, that mom everyone turns to, never judgement, guidance, cookies and love...all of his friends still come to see her....the neighbor kids call her first when coming home from college....she's "that" mom. Always has been...this is really hard for her, she's trying desperately to figure out what she's done wrong. Thankfully the groomsmen that he asked to be in the wedding, then canceled them, have all come to her aide, they have been so confused by his behavior as well, nothing makes sense right now, hopefully someday it will!