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Beginner August 2020

Destination Wedding Guests

Mariah, on July 20, 2019 at 9:09 AM

Hello all, I have yet to post on here for any advice but I have really gotten myself into a pickle. My Fiance and I have decided to do a destination wedding in Jamaica (8/28/2020) and because it is a destination wedding we did not want to have many people. By not many people I mean our parents,...

Hello all,

I have yet to post on here for any advice but I have really gotten myself into a pickle. My Fiance and I have decided to do a destination wedding in Jamaica (8/28/2020) and because it is a destination wedding we did not want to have many people. By not many people I mean our parents, siblings, my grandparents, and a couple very close friends. This was our plan, insert FMIL who stated "you have to still invite everyone you would have invited if it were a local wedding. No one will come so don't worry about it." Now understand my relationship with my Fiances' parents is quite rocky, we either get along or they are bringing me to tears by the things they say. So I didn't want to start anything and I listened to her and we just gave her side of the family their save the dates this past weekend while we were all at a family gathering. Well my concerns were valid and EVERY person said they would absolutely be there. His family is high in numbers and there is always drama. So my issue is a two parter: The resort charges us extra per person over 20 and will charge us an extra $2000 over 40 people as a private reception would be needed: and we did not want many of these people there and I stupidly listened to my FMIL ignoring my own thoughts and feelings about MY wedding. So I am stuck at what to do in this situation. The number of people for sure coming is already up to 35 with another 12 people who are strongly leaning towards yes. This is not including his other side of the family, or any of my family besides my parents and siblings. The number is way too high as we were shutting for 18 people. I am upset about the money part of this, the amount of people being too high, as well as their general outlook on us and the wedding. My Fiance and I have been together for 6 years and his family still does not like me and does not support us as a couple. We are supposed to be starting a new married life together and his family is only coming to support him as well as to get a vacation. They have actually stated that they will be spending 2 hours dedicated to us and the rest of their time is dedicated to their vacation. This irritates me because if they want to go on a vacation to Jamaica then they can go another time but this is for our wedding and we wanted to do things as a group. The group is far too big for this now and everyone is pretty much looking at this as a family vacation and not a destination wedding. I need help. I don't know how to approach this situation or how to resolve it. Please no negative comments, I'm already frustrated and upset.

Thanks in advance.

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28 Comments

Beginner August 2020
Mariah · on July 20, 2019 at 10:59 PM
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No I did not mention that I am doing this to any of the guest. My fmil is the one making it go this way because it's cheaper for her so I have to do all of this to please her. And yes they do have an option to pay for extra guests. It's kind of complicated but it's $12 per person over 20 people. if we go above 40 we have to pay to rent out a private place on the resort which is $1000 plus $25-$50 per plate AND the $12 per person over 40. So all of this adds up to be over $2000 in additional charges. So as you can see it just keeps adding up. I am thinking we are going to have to just suck it up and pay the extra money because I don't want to make anyone upset if we did the small reception and I dont think it would make sense to invite people if all they are coming for is a 30 minute ceremony if we did a reception when we get back from Jamaica.
Super July 2020
D · on July 20, 2019 at 11:05 PM
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I know the situation is shoddy. I would mail out invitations early and get an early RSVP date. Plan on paying for more guests coming but likely it won't happen.
VIP September 2019
Yam · on July 20, 2019 at 11:43 PM
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You know since they’ve never liked you anyway and your fmil is doing it this way because it’s cheaper for her, you don’t really have any bridges left to burn. For whatever reason despite knowing your SO for years, they’re dead set on disliking you. Being a gracious host is a kind thing to do but don’t bend over backwards for these people.

I hope you guys can figure out some way to have the wedding you want! Your wedding might need to be the line drawn in the sand, going forward how will they treat you as his wife? Or mother to fmil’s grandchildren(if you’re having any)? I think a discussion with your FH is in order.
Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 21, 2019 at 12:44 AM
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No, you don’t have to do any of this to please her, especially since she doesn’t like you anyway. Your FH needs to tell her SHE needs to cover the cost of all the rooms for her guests and collect reimbursement payment from her guests. Period. Sadly, some guests may cancel and it should be her butt, not yours, on the hook.

Sigh... since you did agree to host the extra guests, you & you fiancé basically agreed to pay the extra $2K for the reception dinner.
Dedicated December 2019
Grace · on July 21, 2019 at 3:01 AM
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I don't understand why some people find it necessary to please their FMILs if they treat them poorly.
In an ideal world, would you get along? Yes.
Is that necessarily always possible? Nope.
If she treats you in the kind of way where you feel the need to "please her" because she "doesn't like you" then it's time to say bye Felicia to her and her toxicity. You and your FH are a family now, and if SHE wants to be apart of it, SHE can work to fix the relationship she's sabotaging.
If she wants your wedding to be a certain way, SHE needs to pay for it.
These are pretty much your choices:
1. You cancel the wedding and elope with a package by someone like Simply Eloped where only 20 people max can come. They have plenty of destinations and you can still say you're eloping to those invited.
2. You pay everything out of pocket, have the wedding and accept that it's not going to be at all what you envisioned.
3. Your FH demands his mother contributes financially to the wedding since she's the one making it more expensive, if she refuses, you choose option 1 or 2.
The only other option is uninviting guests, which you've already said you refuse to do.
I'm sorry you're in a situation like this, but hopefully from this you realize keeping your FMIL "happy" isn't worth sacrificing your own happiness.
Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on July 21, 2019 at 12:06 PM
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OP, your story changed. First it was "we wanted to do things as a group" and you strongly implied the expectation was to do things as a group with frequency. (They are treating it like a family reunion not a wedding) Then it changed to we would put things out there do to as a group and we would pay if they wanted to go. That puts a lot of obligation on your guests.
Look, I can tell by your posts you are probably in tears over this - I am not trying to be mean.. I have been married twice so I know the stress, trust me I do. I had a lot of people demanding things of me the first time that I did not want. As my wedding approached, I felt resentful that I had to do/have things that I did not want. When I look back on it, it was an okay day but nothing special. Now take your situation and times the cost and planning by about $40,000 - girl just stop. There is a sunk cost fallacy going on here that you will never get out of. If this plan actually takes place it will NEVER live up to your expectation, you will be resentful of the whole thing and you will be broke. Not to beat a dead horse but a lot of the issues began when you expected guests to do more than go to your ceremony and reception. Times that by MIL getting involved and it just went from there. I completely agree with upthread poster who said MIL needs to chip in for her guests. She will refuse, trust me on this one. You can't uninvite people but you CAN scrap it all and tell people you are eloping in a simple, family only ceremony. They will understand. I sense this could cause health issues for you - seriously I do. Best wishes.
Beginner August 2020
Mariah · on July 21, 2019 at 12:25 PM
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I'm sorry there is confusion. The initial people we were inviting (18 people) all wanted to do group events. It was their idea but I wanted to pay because it was a small group and I thought it would be nice to do something they wanted to do with us. I didnt come up with this or what we were going to do. I was excited that it was so few people and that they wanted to do these few things with us. So when the group expands to over 40 people it becomes impractical for me to pay for everyone who would want to come. So we dropped the plans of doing things with the guests. I NEVER told anyone else about these plans because we dropped it. I am not forcing anyone to do anything. My point was my fiance and I had plans with the small group. Plans that the group picked and I was going to give them a nice little break from paying for things. And I never said I expected everyone to do these things the whole time we are there. The initial group wanted to take one afternoon to go to a waterfall (I was to pay for transport and entrance fee) and they also wanted to snorkel on the beach of the resort. These were the only two plans. I wanted a small guest list so we could actually see people. With a big group we wont have time to really talk with everyone. Everyone will be off doing their own things and it just won't work for people to see us. And you're right I'm not spending $40000 but that doesn't mean that what I am spending is any less important. My issue is how my ffil stated "we are only dedicating 2 hours to you and your wedding, but the rest of the time we are there is for our (ffil,fmil,fsil) family vacation ". I don't need them to hold my hand the whole time, It just doesn't feel good inviting someone to my wedding and they feel the need to tell us we only get 2 hours of their time. Like I previously stated I would never uninvite anyone. I couldn't do that. My fh said he would but I said no. I also stated we dont want to elope. We already have money into this place and will lose thousands of dollars if we change our minds. So we are probably just going to have to suck it up and spend the extra money on people who don't like me.

Just Said Yes October 2019
Julie · on July 21, 2019 at 7:55 PM
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I agree that it might seem rude to take back an invitation, but it is YOUR wedding and you should be able to celebrate how you want to. At this point, if your FH’s family doesn’t like you, inviting them to a wedding isn’t going to change that. You might just need to cut your losses and move forward. Did your invites already go out? If not, I would gather a list of names of the people you want to cut, and send them a message or card saying “We are so grateful to have family and friends that would travel across the world to celebrate with us. As new restrictions on guest count have come to light from our Jamaican venue, our wedding plans have changed and we will only be able to accommodate our immediate family at the wedding. This is not something we had hoped for, but in order to still be able to celebrate with all of our loved ones, we will be hosting a reception back home on [this date] in [this city] for all of our dear family and friends. More details to follow.” Yes, some people may be upset. Yes, you might (temporarily) burn some bridges. Yes, your FMIL is going to throw an absolute fit. But this is your day that you will remember forever. Make it your own. Best of luck.