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Just Said Yes September 2018

Demoting moh

FutureMrsTramp, on July 24, 2018 at 1:59 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 30

So. Right now I have THREE maid of honors, my sister, a childhood friend, and a friend whom Ive known for roughly 2 years. As well as two Matron of Honors, and One Bridesmaid.

I asked the third friend "Maid of Honor" to be a MOH when I was very drunk and totally forgot about it until she mentioned it the next time I had seen her. The only reason she really in the wedding party is because we are close with her boyfriend, who is the best man, and we hang out on a weekly basis. So it kind of made sense, well, at least to be a bridesmaid. Totally regretting that extra vodka and OJ homemade drink (heavy on the vodka LOL!).

However she doesn't exactly live up to MOH duties. She has not been able to assist with anything from the bachelorette party to the bridal shower, because she has no job or car. Totally understandable but she makes no effort to take care of herself because she lives off of her boyfriends, who has also talked about breaking up with her after the wedding. Ugh. It's honestly been so much drama, and were 60 days away from the wedding now.

She has too much anxiety to give a speech at the reception. She keeps making comments about how, oh I'll be the super drunk friend at the wedding, hopefully I don't throw up on you. The most infuriating, is that she says she won't be able to attend the rehearsal dinner or come decorate because her dad does a huge smokeout on his birthday every year, and is "scared" to tell him she can't go this year. (eye-roll)

So I have officially decided to demote her to a bridesmaid. No guilt or remorse at all. I feel like its more of a slap in the face to the two Maid of Honors and two Matron of Honors who have worked their butts off to help with planning and assisting to have her standing as a Maid of Honor rather than it is to demote her to a Bridesmaid.

Quite frankly I think she will be relieved to be a BM. Anyone else have a similar experience? Was your gal pal upset or relieved? I don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same thing I think it's the right thing to do.

30 Comments

Latest activity by Kelly , on July 25, 2018 at 9:55 PM
  • Jessica
    VIP October 2018
    Jessica ·
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    While it seems that you didnt want her to be a MOH from the start, she hasnt really done anything out of the extraordinary.
    How dare you not pay for showers and parties with the money you dont get from your no job? How dare you not show up places in your no car?
    Put yourself in her shoes, really.
    But afterall its all well when it ends well.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    I’d be prepared for this to hurt or even ruin your friendship with her, and I’d be ready for the same to be true with her boyfriend.
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  • Dolores Umbridge
    VIP June 2017
    Dolores Umbridge ·
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    So at this point 3MoH and 2 matron of honors and one bridesmaid.

    that Many people of honor makes it a mute point.

    But that doesn’t answer your questions...
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Expert September 2018
    Nicole ·
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    You made your (drunk) bed, it's time to lie in it. Demoting this girl because of things that are essentially out of her control will hurt her feelings and likely injure your relationships with her and her boyfriend. Bridal party has absolutely no duties other than to get the proper attire and show up on your wedding day. I would never ask her to skip a yearly celebration to help decorate, that's getting into solid bridezilla territory.

    Since you have FOUR other maids/matrons of honor, I imagine you have lots of other help in the areas that you need it. I would leave this one alone for the sake of your FH and his friendship with his best man.

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  • Deirdre
    Dedicated October 2018
    Deirdre ·
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    What is the point of having that many maids/matrons of honor? Kinda less special if everyone is one. These are your bridesmaids and friends, it’s not their wedding, it’s yours. Cut them some slack
    • Reply
  • Emily
    Master May 2014
    Emily ·
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    Wow. I don't know what is worse - that you started with FIVE MOH's (really?? how do you think that made the ONE bridesmaid feel?) or that you are planning to demote a MOH because she isn't spending enough money on you or helping enough with your parties because she doesn't have a car. Clearly, she should have bought a car to be in your wedding (eyeroll). This all sounds like a mess.

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  • E
    Devoted August 2018
    Emily ·
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    I know I would feel like it was a slap in the face to be demoted. It's not her fault that you asked her to be a MOH when you'd had a bit too much to drink. No judgment from me on that part, I've made plenty of drunken decisions too, but you have to live with them. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume you knew she was unemployed and without a car when you asked? She really hasn't done anything wrong to warrant being demoted, in my opinion.

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  • J
    Devoted August 2018
    Jillian ·
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    Dont do it. Just have her stand last/furthest from you, then itll seem like it to you but you can say there wasnt any real order.
    And dont make her miss the annual party to decorate. Get someone else. It is only one person, it'll be fine. Shes agreed to stand up with you, the least you can do is support her too and tell her to go. Family first.
    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    Okkaayyyy. For starters, you can’t demote someone without hurting their feelings. That’s just not how life works.

    And if she can’t come to the rehearsal dinner bc it’s her dad’s birthday, that’s kinda legit.

    but, let me get this all straight: you have 5 MOHs?! 3 maids, two matrons ? If so, they shouldn’t all be giving speeches/toasts anyway, that is so many to speak. And the one poor bridesmaid?!

    Honestly, you should just promote the one poor girl who isn’t MOH to MOH and let everyone have the title and then choose one person to be the head .
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Master October 2016
    Katie ·
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    It doesn't sound like you're a very good friend. The only thing she needs to do is show up in a preapproved dress to your wedding.

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  • B
    Super May 2019
    B11 ·
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    Your entire post makes me eye roll.
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  • Gipperkm
    Super September 2018
    Gipperkm ·
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    You didn't want to hurt her feelings?! Well, you did, FYI. And MOH and BMs do NOT have any duties or obligations to the bride. Other than showing up on time in the purchased dress. Why don't people get this?! Prepare to no longer have a friend in her. Which it sounds like that won't bother you since you it sounds like you didn't want her to be one, of many, MOHs to begin with.

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  • MrsV1027
    Master October 2018
    MrsV1027 ·
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    Really what is the big difference in the end if she's a MOH or regular BM? Being a MOH doesn't mean she bends to your every beck and call. Why in the world do you have more MOH than BM in the first place? If I was her and got word of your little plan of demotion I'd tell you that I was no longer able to come to your wedding.

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  • BB-H
    VIP September 2018
    BB-H ·
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    I'd leave her be, honestly. Your BP have no responsibilities other than to show up the day of. You can let the relationship fade after the wedding if you really want nothing to do with her. But if you still want her friendship, "demoting" will end it.

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  • D
    Dedicated October 2018
    Deb ·
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    I wouldn’t miss my father’s birthday for a rehearsal. Other people can fill her in on what to do.

    With being unemployed she probably feels bad enough and it doing what she can. It sounds like you have a lot of extra “maids” to do things for you.

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  • Samantha
    Dedicated May 2018
    Samantha ·
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    You chose 3 maids of honour, 2 matrons of honour...and one bridesmaid? LOL

    Did you just name them that so they would do everything for you?

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  • K&M
    Dedicated August 2018
    K&M ·
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    I wouldn't do this honestly, unless you are prepared to end your friendship with her.

    Not having the resources to throw you a bachelorette party or bridal shower doesn't make her any less of a MOH. I wasn't thrown any of these parties and it doesn't bother me in the slightest (she wanted to but logistically it didn't work out, for either of us really). My maid of honor also has speech anxiety and is likely not to give a toast, either, and I was understanding about it because she's my best friend and I know her. I half expected it! Lol.

    I might be a little hurt by the birthday thing, but only if she was my best friend... which is what a maid of honor is supposed to be... and in which case her dad would likely know me and understand. This is only the rehearsal, anyway, it would be different if she decided she couldn't come to the wedding. I also wasn't able to attend the rehearsal of a wedding in which I was a bridesmaid once, and the bride was understanding. The main problem is you didn't choose her because she was your best friend, you chose her because you were drunk - which, true, you probably shouldn't have done that, but now it is what it is. I would just let it go, or it is likely she will get upset and not want to be your friend anymore.

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  • K&M
    Dedicated August 2018
    K&M ·
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    Plus I think I would be hurt if I found out someone only asked me to be their MOH because they were drunk... :/

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  • c
    Super May 2019
    c ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Lolol, love this response.
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  • starsinwaves
    VIP November 2018
    starsinwaves ·
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    Imagine being the one bridesmaid in this scenario...

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