Deciding on wedding Guests

Part of wedding planning is learning to compromise. If she is throwing out ultimatums of going nuclear and saying the wedding is off because you want to invite your family, you need to stop planning and work on the relationship. It's your wedding too. Honestly, if my husband threw out the wedding is cancelled I would seriously be taking a second look at my future with him. Her way or the highway is not how relationships work and will set up all disagreements for the future.

Has she expressed why the limited number or no number? Does she have any issues with your family? Is it a budget concern? Does she have a significantly smaller family presence compared to yours?

I understand your fiancé having a vision for your wedding, or wanting to keep it intimate. However, giving you the ultimatum of either her way, or no wedding at all is incredibly dismissive to you and horribly disrespectful to your relationship. If someone is willing to toss away a relationship just because they don’t get their way for a party, it doesn’t sound like they are truly committed to the relationship or ready for a lifelong marriage. Marriage is about compromise! Under the circumstances, I would probably put off further wedding planning until after the two of you are able to come to an agreement, or you have sought couple’s counseling.

I agree with both Cece & Janet. If your fiancé is giving you an ultimatum, then you should stop wedding planning for now and talk about your relationship, and where you both are at. It’s both of y'all day!! It’s equally as important to her as it is to you. She needs to realize that. My fiancé has been so supportive of the decisions I have made. He has made some of his own and we compromise on things together. We make sure both parties feel heard and feel comfortable and happy with the decisions that we make about our wedding. Just work on the relationship right now and be strong in what you want for yourself and for the future.

View Quoted Comment Thanks Janet for your response,
I agree with you and right now feel like we need to work on this relationship or it could be an end. I have gone through a full two years of counseling for stress and anxiety and I've been put on some anti depressants which I feel have helped greatly with being able to deal with certain stresses but this is just too much for me right now.
Her reasons to why she wants a small wedding are fair and I understand where she comes from if I was her I'd want the same. But I'm not the same and I have a family that I'd love to be at my wedding. We originally came to an agreement that there would be no cousins as I have lots of them and I'm fairly close to the majority of them but on her side she wouldn't be as close to her cousins and doesn't really want her aunts and uncles to be there, she has said that her compromise is to only ask close friends and direct family. Budget is a concern to her but not as much to me as I know I have the majority of the money saved and my family have said they will help us. Her family said the same that they would help us. She is too proud to want to accept the money because she's a hard worker and wants to show she can do it herself but at what cost when the relationship is hanging on the line. I have a smaller direct family but a larger family when it comes to aunts and uncles. So my figures for my side of the family (Inc uncles aunts and my closest friends) and of course my parents would be 47 ppl. She would be much the same and then a few mutual friends. So about 100in total.

You're trying to double your guest count. I can see that would upset her though her ultimatum is not healthy. Perhaps compromise and you both add 15, for a total of 80. 85ish is a comfortable number where you can greet everyone. If you want to add your Aunts & Uncles, you're going to have to cut your friends. Time to make hard choices because it sounds like your FS feels lonely and w/o a family as it is. Show her you are a team and a family from now on.


As for money, only count on the funds you two can provide. Outside money is not assured until you see it and payments paid. Your parents will have their own financial obligations including any emergencies throughout your engagement. Remember if you accept any outside money, you accept their conditions because now they're sponsors. She may not want her parent's money because they may push extended family. Just Tread lightly if a big wedding is worth losing your control and privacy.

Maybe there is a way you both can compromise further but it being her way or the highway is a HUGE red flag in my opinion. If she wants to be that controlling over your wedding day and demand and manipulate you by saying it'll be called off then she'll do that for everything for the rest of your lives. I would put some serious thought in to your relationship because I know if my husband threatened me like that then there would be no way I'd move forward getting married to him.

Also not inviting your cousins because she doesn't want to invite hers is very strange. I'm not close with my cousins but that didn't mean my husband could not invite his which he is closer with

Anyone willing to say "we're doing this my way or the relationship is over" sounds off massive alarms to me unless it's over something serious like if you cheat I leave for example. You should never start a marriage on an ultimatum.

View Quoted Comment Absolutely I do agree and I do understand. The money is definitely not the issue. Between the two of us we have the money saved. It's hard cause I only have like 6friends coming which are my childhood friends and the rest are mutual friends that we met while we're together. Which is about 10-15ppl. It's only because I have a larger extended family and I'm close to them where she's not as close to hers. But unfortunately in my case I do find it tricky. As I'm faced with an issue seemingly only I can fix by not inviting my uncles and aunts. If I invite one I have to ask them all in reality I understand it's a big ask I just don't want to regret not having them there on the wedding day.

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Possible alternatives could be: 1) Your side has a family reunion on their own time. For your wedding, invite relatives in whole circles. You talk of "burning bridges", but I don't see how unless you financially depend on them. Family should understand unless they hold toxic grudges.

2) You elope. Or invite parents only. Then fewer people will feel hurt. Postpone until you can save enough money to invite everyone to a big celebration of marriage or anniversary party later. Costs actually go down for a non-wedding event.

DaveMcG, many couples are in the position where 1 wants a bigger wedding than the other. It would be easier if budget was the limitation, but sometimes it's not. You and your FS both have valid visions of how you want to get married. But a wedding is just a party afterall. Negotiate your must-have's and decide how you will create boundaries with others in the future. Remember to not say "because my FS wants it this way" to family. This sets up resentment that often is irreparable.

View Quoted Comment Michelle thanks for your response. I really appreciate these comments as I was unable to see and think clearly to understand alternatives. Also my family have called me and gave me their opinions which were probably not good for my head and I didn't seek their opinions but they gave it anyways thus leading me to feel like I have no other options and that I would be burning bridges if I didn't ask certain family members. My mother had also said she would not enjoy not knowing anyone else there. I understand it's not her day at all and I'm quite upset she has said that to me but she is my mother and made me who I am today and of course I want her to be happy. But more importantly I want to make my partner happy. Family is hugely important to me but maybe having another get together at another stage might be an option and I hope my partner will be open to that idea.
I also do believe that the wedding is a celebration of both sides and will be the only time these families will be in eachothers company together. I wouldn't ever dare say to my family that she wants a small wedding as some time ago I did agree with her but my feelings have changed and I didn't want to lie to her about them so I opened up and told her 'I feel like I'd regret not having certain aunts and uncles on our wedding day.' she was not happy about that to say the least and then came about a voice note which she had said for me to know what I want for this wedding and if I wanted them relatives that the wedding is off. How do i give an answer to that.

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Well, not everyone can find the most appropriate words. Just like you're not a perfect communicator, nor should you expect her to be. My friend told me part of marriage is learning how to fight fairly. So when you two eventually sit down, address how you both feel hurt before discussing options.

But wait, it says your wedding is this September. What is the crowd capacity at your venue? This could be where you must draw the line. You do not want to go above fire code. And thank you for voicing what perhaps my now husband must have felt when we were negotiating. Best wishes.

It sounds like there are a lot of communication problems here, especially on your FS’s side. One comment you made has me wondering, she said she doesn’t want to invite her cousins but she’ll have to if you invite yours. It seems like she’s taking the whole guest list as an even tit for tat: your parents, my parents; your cousins, my cousins; your coworkers, my coworkers. But that doesn’t have to be the case at all. Is she thinking that because she thinks otherwise the guest list will be imbalanced? That any additions you have on your side will require additions on her side, so now the guest list has doubled? The insecurity over one spouse having more guests than the other is very common and something I’ve personally experienced. That doesn’t make it okay to impose ultimatums, but I would have a conversation with FS to figure out where her concern is actually coming from. Also, shut out the noise from the rest of your family about who you need to invite and why and write down the names of people you truly want to be there on your own. That will tell you how much you are trying to expand the guest list.