Debt Free life before marriage?

You and your FH need to set a budget that includes paying off your debt and you need to leave his dad out of it. Write down your monthly income, and then subtract all monthly bills from it. If you still have money left over, put some into savings and some toward your debt. Have either of you considered seeking financial counseling?

Sit down and have a talk. Come up with a plan for paying off debt. Read a Dave Ramsey book or watch his YouTube videos. I usually pick the highest debt with the highest interest rate and try to pay that off first. I don't have any debt, but FH does so we are coming up with a plan to be debt-free within the next 4 years. It IS possible. Don't get discouraged.

Your FH needs to change his password on his credit card account. His father is probably just trying to help though. Credit card debt is a terrible thing to have, and unfortunately we don't learn about it in school anymore. Adults get in trouble all the time with it.

That said, are the two of you on the same page about finances? Does your FH want to work to pay the debt down and not run up new debt? As long as the two of you are on the same page about your finances then there shouldn't be a problem going into a marriage with debt - I'd guess most couples do. If you're not, then perhaps make a plan to sit down with a financial counselor or advisor who can help you get on the same page and help you get on a plan to pay it all off. Just be careful not to make MORE debt with the wedding. Weddings should ways be paid for in cash, period.

I agree with Sarah, create a budget you are both comfortable with and seek professional financial help if needed. The thing about using credit is in order to build good credit you have to use credit, and these days they check credit for everything - even a lot of employers check your credit. Just make sure you are using it responsibly and not spending more than you can pay off. Things like student loans don’t hurt you, just make on time payments and if you can afford it you can pay extra, but don’t stress about it. The main thing is to get your credit card balances paid off or as low as you can and keep them low- you can still charge but pay it off monthly. For example, all of our groceries go on a specific credit card that earns points, and every month we pay off the card, we build credit, earn rewards, and don’t pay interest on it because there’s no balance carrying over. It’s definitely time that your FH’s father steps out of his finances, and maybe the two of you going to a financial planner/counsellor would show him you’re both serious about money.

I should add I am so used to spreadsheets to the fact that I created a very extensive one for him. This includes every paycheck, bill and saving. It is very detailed. FH follows it, but I just found out he just put something on it while I have put so much effort into helping him. I should also add that I tried to do this for him last year and it stressed me and bothered me that I was controlling a mans money to where I stopped and told him to handle it himself and he went spending on his cc again. I told this to his mom and she wanted me to do it again(because thats what her friend did with their daughter), basically they think we should be a representation of them. I understand his dad is trying to help, but he can get really invasive. For example, last night he asked for FH's cc statements. I got really upset about this, because I feel like FH needs to learn how to do this himself. He came from a very sheltered family where they did basically EVERYTHING for him. I had a feeling that when real life things came his way he would expect his mom and dad to fix it for him. I try to help him learn regular house work and organization with finances at my house (since he is at my house every single day)

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We have talked about having FH creating his own account or some how taking his dad off his account so he can stop seeing what he gets paid and what he spends etc and his dad threatened to kick him out. We both want to get rid of his cc debt and none of the cc debt is even related to the wedding(everything is being paid for with cash/check).

View Quoted Comment As long as everyone continues to enable him, your FH will continue to behave like this when it comes to money. For me, this would be a dealbreaker. I’d suggest counseling, both couples and financial, so that you can both get a handle on the boundaries needed with his parents and so that your FH can learn to manage his money like an independent adult.

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Hi Jessica-

I agree. We have met with an adviser before , but I never went again, because we were doing a lot of what we said we were going to do and we did not like that FH's dad was wanting the adviser to email him the details of what we talked about SMH.

I would seek out pre-marital counseling. It seems more appropriate for you & your fiance to figure out your finances together, without the influence of anyone else.

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We have a therapist that we started to work with since March-ish, but she focuses on me a lot and how I can be insecure at times. Shes is on vacation and we wont be able to see her till next month. I agree that it is important that we work on finances together. I feel it is really weird that his family tries to control him and his money a lot when it is not their future and it only makes it worse for him.

Cut the dad out. He has no place in his adult married child's finances.
I'd be completely embarrassed if my parents did that, it was the first thing I told my own fiance. That his father had to get off his bank accounts because it caused too much drama.
That being said tell your fiance he is a grown man and needs to be able to keep up immediately. There are no excuses for a grown adult to not be able to budget and do their own statements.
My fiance and I are almost debt free except for a few hundred on a credit card and student loans. It took about three years to get this far because my fiance had outstanding credit card debt and bought a car outside his budget. You will likely need a five year plan to end the credit card debt and create better habits, it won't be fast, cheap, or easy. But it's achievible.
And lastly, I really have to go over our monthly expenses with my fiance. He's just terrible with money and is slow to improve, you will likely need to take the lead on this, like I did. It'll probably suck but with a good therapist at your side I think you can do it. It seems like you have the plan and just need more effort from fiance. Which I think the therapist will help solve. You've really done all the hard parts already. Which is really impressive to me.

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Hi Kelly.

Yeah I have been wanting him to cut is dad off and get his bank account separate from his dad. He always instills fear on him every time FH says or mentions doing something like getting his own bank account. I hate to cause drama, but I just don't agree with watching 26 year old sons money. He always wants him to be better than his friends children and thinks hes a reflection of him. He even wants FH to give him his cc account info so when FH gets paid he will take the money and apply to the cc's and this made me sooo upset like this is something FH has already been doing. He can do this himself. So I am in a just a really tough spot here

I recommend Dave Ramsey and financial peace University... His program and baby steps have been a game changer for me.

For me that's be a deal breaker for a marriage. You're a paitent and kind woman for staying. I'm definitely hoping you get some compromise soon.

Your fiance needs to realize that he is an adult and act like it. His father should not be that involved with his finances. It's one thing to ask for advice on occasion. It's another for them to share an account. At this point, I don't think the focus should be debt reduction, but financial independence. He needs to break away and figure out how to manage money himself. If you or his dad are doing everything for him, he will never learn.

For the short-term side of this, you might want to talk to Money Management International, https://www.moneymanagement.org. They are a nonprofit that helps people with burdensome credit card debt. Basically, you give up your credit cards. They negotiate with all of the credit card companies to lower the interest rate on your cards. Then you make one monthly payment each month, and they distribute it among your creditors. We went from not being able to make the payments on our cards at all to having them all paid off within five years using them.

However, you have a bigger long-term problem. It sounds like your FI is very immature about financial matters. He is still financially enmeshed with his father. And he relies on you and his father to keep his finances under control, but then goes and puts things on the credit card behind your back. You simply cannot take on the lifetime burden of policing him. And he can totally screw up your finances if you marry him. I would suggest postponing the marriage, and getting some counseling. His behavior has to change if he is to be a partner to you, as opposed to a wayward child.

Definitely cut the dad out. My dad is still on my bank account only because it was opened as a student account 17 years ago when I started college, and I have just been too lazy to remove him. The only reason he had access in the first place was to add money when I needed it like car repairs or random groceries. Your FH is a grown man and needs to learn to manage his own money. If dad gives him a hard time tell him you are starting a joint account for wedding things and he can manage his own from here on out. But your FH needs to stand up to him and be the one to do it.

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A lot of my close family members also say the same thing about him needing to cutt off his dad from the money aspect. And I have just been holding off because every time FH wants to do things on his own his dad threatens that his bags will be packed and he can get out. And I have mentioned this to my mom and she says we have no room so if he did kick him out I dont know where he would go.

Side note: he appreciates his family and loves them but he really wants distance between them. Especially when we get married he said he wants to move to a town(that does have nicer places) but its far which make sense for the prices of them(they were within our budget).

Talking about finances before marriage is pretty important (from my viewpoint). We had it all figured out prior to getting married, because he knew there was no way in He** I was going to put up with not having accessing to his accounts, having things joint, etc. So talk to your FH.

You both need a budget for now and to think about once you get married. A plan is essential.

My Husband and I both have $0 debt, EXCEPT for student loans, because in reality if we would have waited until our student loans were paid off if we would never have gotten married and we wouldn't be saving for a house. We had to be realistic. Yes, we are slowly paying off that debt, but we are also ensuring we continue our lives. It was pretty important to me right before I even met my husband that I became debt free. It's just a stress people don't need, and as I was in my 20's I just didn't want to have to deal with all the issues my parents have had their whole lives with debt. (2 bankrupties) I wanted to be smarter and start out right, well as best as I could anyways.

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A year after my Husband and I moved in together we got a joint account. We still had a personal account but the joint was for all of our joint bills (rent, electricity, water, internet, etc, etc). It was a way for us to slowly get to understand each others spending habits, and do important tasks such as bills together. It worked.

Once we got engaged we than sat down and figured out how we would do this (after marriage). Only made me cry once but we figured it out. It sounds crazy (our plan) but it works for us and that's what matters.

Our System: We both have full access to everything. We have 4 savings accounts and 3 checking accounts. 1 Checking is our MAIN account, tied to that is our Main Savings account. The Main account is exactly what its called everything goes into this, EVERYTHING (always starts in that account before it goes anywhere else). Main savings is for our emergency fund, xmas savings, school savings (cause he's an apprentice electrician and we have to start paying his tuition soon). Checking #2 and #3 are our individual frugal accounts, they both have their own savings accounts, as well. Basically $50 every 2 weeks goes into each of those frugal accounts. If we don't have the money though, it doesn't get transferred. That money can be used on anything we want (a specific clothing item that isn't essential, disc for disc golf, night out with the guys, etc), BUT if it's needed for bills, emergency etc, we both understand it will be taken and used properly. No questions asked. Our last savings account is our house savings. We are saving for a down-payment and it's a special savings account that gains higher interest.

It's a lot to manage but like I said it works for us, and I manage it all. He has full access but he trusts me to handle it all and knows I give him status updates and always comes to him with questions or concerns. It's a relief to him.

Good luck! You do whats right for you, and to be honest if you and your husband aren't on the same page about money now, it will make it very hard later.

Set a budget and stick to it!