Deadbeat Bridesmaid

Maybe start by simply asking her if she'd prefer to not be included. perhaps she'll end the misery for everyone if given an option. (on a side note: if you don't want to be involved in a wedding - why agree to be part of the bridal party in the first place???)

If she doesn't want to be included then she shouldn't be included, family of not. I agree with giving her the option of stepping down. This way, it idemnifies you and your FS from any familial backlash.

If she says that she will not step down, then I'd suggest maybe buying a book for her on what is expected of her as a BM. Yes, these do exist and I gave them to all of my BM; my MOH bought one specifically about being a MOH as soon as I asked her, so she ruined my opportunity to get her a book lol. If after she is made fully aware of her responsibilities as a BM she continues this behavior, then it may be time to force her hand or just give her the boot and find someone who DOES want the responsibility.

It sounds to me like she accepted the invitation to be a BM out of familial obligation to her brother, and it sounds like you and FS are putting up w/ her mess for the same reason. If this is the case, then all parties are doing what they are doing for all the wrong reasons.

Just because she is your soon to be SIL doesn't mean she has to be a BM, esecially if she doesn't want to be one.

Uh ya, bye bye bridesmaid! Let her know she is not doing you any favors and kick her to the curb!

I'm going to be the odd one out here, but I think that other than buying a dress and showing up at the rehearsal and wedding there is no set rule that a BM should have to do anything else if she doesn't want to. Yes, it is customary to do more and it would be nice if she was more helpful but I don't think she is absolutely obligated. I agree that you may want to ask her if she really does want to be a BM though.

I would kick her out. Just sit down with your FH and let him know that if she doesn't want to be a part of your wedding then she shouldn't be a part of it. I know it is important to you but neither of you needs the added issue.

I have to agree with wendy, Really, all a BP member has to do is show up, on time, and help with bachelorette party. They aren't requried to help with anything, by all means, it's AWESOME when they do go out of their way to help and what not. But not required, at least that's how I feel. I understood that my ladies both work hard and don't have a ton of money and one even lived 6 hours away, and I didn't expect help from them, at all, ever. But I am gratefull they came to help decorate and what not.

She sounds like she will be a pain. And although I tend to side with the notion that a BM shouldn't be expected to do anything more than show up on the day of the wedding in the right dress looking pretty, in your situation she seems a bit out there. I had a couple of BMs that were acting out of line so I flat out told them they didn't have to be BMs if they didn't want to and they can quit if that would be better for them. So they chose to opt out and were promptly replaced with two other girls who were extremely excited to be a part of the wedding and helped me out even when I didn't ask for help. Smartest decision I made! Saved me a lot of headache and misery for the day of the wedding.

I agree, there is really no "obligation" to do anything besides show up. HOWEVER, if she is talking crap about you, why in the WORLD would you want her in your wedding, or even AT your wedding?

Wendy-There is set etiquette for a bridesmaid, and there are more responsibilities than just buying your attire and showing up for the rehearsal and wedding. As a BM, if you are asked to do something, you do it. Your job as a BM is to help the bride and the other BM's with whatever needs to be done. A BM is supposed to aleviate stress from the bride, not add to it. It is considered an HONOR and PRIVILEDGE to be included in on any wedding as an attendant, not a right or an obligation, and with the distinction and honor comes responsibility. Unfortunately too many brides have forgotten this, and too many BM's take advantage of the fact that brides have forgotten this.

As a wedding planner, I have lit a fire under many a BM's that have acted just like this. As a bride, I have booted THREE girls from my BP since I started planning. I don't care if that makes me sound like a bridezilla or not. I have enough stress without someone I'm asking to be in a position of honor adding to it.(cont)

If they don't want the responsibility, then I am happy to oblige their want to step down. I don't have time for someone else's drama and attitude. I have been a BM several times over, and I have never been rude or mean to any bride who has asked me to be a part of her BP, whether out of obligation (in the case of my SIL) or because they really wanted me as a BM (in the case of friends and other family).

I agree with giving her the option, then if she still wants to buy a dress and show up then you have to mentally release any expectations from her. She can be a part but not an active part. So release the expectations and don't make her actions such a priority. Keep it moving as if she's not there until the rehearsal etc.

I agree that BM DO have duties. They are there to help you through this process and like Kristina said its an HONOR for them to be standing with you. I have 2 BM's that live out of state (6 hours or more away) and I dont expect much out of them except to listen to me vent if I am having issues. I let them know that they do not need to help or even come to the bach and bridal showers since its far. But the other two BMs I chose are in state and I expect that when I am making invites and any other DIY projects that they will help, and as my FRIENDS and BMs I know they will be more than happy to do so.

Most of you on here know that I have been dealing with the exact same situation, and we kicked her out of the bridal party this past weekend, and honestly it was the best thing for everyone involved. Just prepare for some backlash, but know you are doing the right thing for your day. Good luck Sister!!

Thanks everyone. To answer the question about why we asked her to be included is simple....she is my fiance's sister and they have been close up until now. Even though she may not have been my first choice, it was important for him that she be included. We are both completely baffled and put out by how she is acting and obviously completely didn't expect it or else we would not have asked her.