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Dedicated December 2021

Cut Guest List. How do i deal with family members that expected an invitation?

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Bailee, on November 7, 2020 at 12:23 PM

Alright y’all. I am working on the guests list with my FH. We both having gigantic families, like our original guest list was like easily 300+ if everyone was invited. If my dad for some reason can’t pay for it- I know that I cannot pay for that many people. So, we downsized to a little over 70 people that we both cannot imagine getting married without. And also people that we communicate with on a regular basis as well as if we enjoy their company too.

However, this means I’ve cut out my entire mom’s side of the family, like everyone. For context, my mom has passed on and they are super judgmental of me and they are also rude to FH and will tell my sister their disappointment and disproval of him (they have never actually had a conversation with him). When I confront them, they say that it was a miscommunication or turn it back onto me. Not all of them, but most of them. I figured that it would be even worse if I invited some of them and not all?
The issue is that they all live super close to me (my dads family doesn’t) and will expect an invitation and I know will get after me or my dad if they don’t get one and his family does. This is why my dad would prefer if I do invite them (I know he would pay for them, but I’m thinking just in case something comes up and he can’t). I’m also assuming that they will just automatically show up. I want to blame it on covid but my wedding will either be in December of 2021 or 2022.
I am totally okay with dealing with them being mad that they weren’t invited because they’re “family”. But I am unsure of what to say. Do I say that only closest family and friends were invited? I don’t talk to them on a regular basis (much less at all besides the day my mom died or my moms birthday if I can help it) because they only want to talk to me when I made a decision they don’t agree with and rationalize it by blaming it on me acting out because my moms gone? I know I won’t have a clear head if they do that and I also don’t want them to blame my dad because it was mine & FH’s decision.

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27 Comments

Dedicated June 2021
Jei · on November 9, 2020 at 8:10 PM
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We just asked our photographer. He has 2 cameras that will be set up prior to the wedding, that way the viewers will have two views points for the ceremony. The photographer has all the equipment and software needed to do the live streaming. The guess will simply have to click on the link we will email them and enter the password. Look into it. It might be an easy way for everyone to view your wedding
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Judith · on November 13, 2020 at 4:58 AM
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These relatives live very close yet you rarely see them or visit with each other says, no you need not invite them. But then, How would they know to just come anyway? It is a private party. Which means you do not put it on any open page of Facebook or other media, or any blog, just general courtesy thay you do not talk about a party in front of people not invited. So how do they keep such tabs on you? Close that pipeway.
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Devoted September 2022
Soon2Bemarried · on November 13, 2020 at 9:34 AM
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It’s about your day with your partner. Keep the people you planned to invite and don’t feel bad about anything else, especially since you don’t talk to them on a regular basis.
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Dedicated December 2021
Bailee · on November 13, 2020 at 11:04 AM
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I am worried that they will grill one of my siblings once they find out that I am engaged. My brother can hold his own but my sister would probably give up details if she is mad at me (she's 13). They would only know if someone told them. That is why I chose to cut everyone from that side, so that is not a likely chance. I do not have them on my social media but my other family members do. I will have to find a way to keep the details private. I think that I may have mentioned that in one of my comments above.
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Dedicated December 2021
Bailee · on November 13, 2020 at 11:05 AM
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I don't really feel bad about not inviting them. I feel bad that they will probably blame my dad when it's my FH and I's decision. Thanks, needed to hear this.
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Judith · on November 13, 2020 at 2:51 PM
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Good luck. There is only one of uncle's families, aunt -uncle -2 cousins, who never come to any local or distant things, except at his twin's house. cordial with all sibs on mom's side, nephews, nieces cousins. In NH we are 20 minutes/ 7 miles apart, but in 40 years have refused all in invitations at parents, and we now are 3 miles away and have been for 12 years. Cousin and I were in dorms next door in Boston 3 years, never any contact not initiated by me. So when trimming numbers for our wedding, who from our huge families did I not send invitations. That aunt has been on social media saying how snotty I am for cutting my own aunt and uncle and cousins. 40 years they don't drive up the street, my parents, Now I am half a mile from where uncle works. What are the cjances these people would drive 5 hours to see me married? Especially as earlier in the summer, they declined my brother and my sister's and 2 other family weddings in time. They are used to every inviting them anyways, they decline. I don't do social media, but now and then Aunt C
mentions me by name, heard we did this or that, did not invite them. Bro called last night, tells me I got honorable mention on Facebook for not inviting them to Halloween, making caramel or candy apples, and take a basket and candy home. Open to families ane sspecially kids, free if in costume. Perfect socially distanced thing. And they did mot get theor own invitation. That is right, I stopped invitations to them forever. Some people make sores just so they have something to pick at. Good luck stopping the leak, if you can. My sumpathy.
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Dedicated December 2021
Bailee · on November 13, 2020 at 3:10 PM
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Thank you. It is hard because my dad's side lives in California (I am in Utah) but they are truly so supportive of me and were more parental figures to my mom then her own parents. They are not very emotional or affectionate but I always have felt loved by them because they have made an effort to come out to bigger events. I feel conflicted about my mom's side because my mom has passed away but it also took her getting cancer for them to actually make an effort to see us. Once she passed, our relationship was a little better (I was 11 so I did not know them as people just as grandma, aunt, etc.). . But now that I am older and gotten to know them, I have realized just how toxic most of them are to my family and I and just how terrible they were to my mom. I am also worried that they will bring my mom into it as well (if they find out somehow or if they find out they were not invited) to guilt trip me. It has always been a sore spot for me because (and this is one of the reasons why I have cut them out) they generally try to justify any of my decisions that they do not agree with by saying I am acting out because my mom is gone. It is just a sucky situation all around. If for some reason I invited them, I know they would gossip and there would be negativity. But, even if I don't invite them, there still will be that, just not at my wedding which is what I want.
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