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Dedicated December 2021

Cut Guest List. How do i deal with family members that expected an invitation?

Bailee, on November 7, 2020 at 12:23 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27
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Alright y’all. I am working on the guests list with my FH. We both having gigantic families, like our original guest list was like easily 300+ if everyone was invited. If my dad for some reason can’t pay for it- I know that I cannot pay for that many people. So, we downsized to a little over 70 people that we both cannot imagine getting married without. And also people that we communicate with on a regular basis as well as if we enjoy their company too.

However, this means I’ve cut out my entire mom’s side of the family, like everyone. For context, my mom has passed on and they are super judgmental of me and they are also rude to FH and will tell my sister their disappointment and disproval of him (they have never actually had a conversation with him). When I confront them, they say that it was a miscommunication or turn it back onto me. Not all of them, but most of them. I figured that it would be even worse if I invited some of them and not all?
The issue is that they all live super close to me (my dads family doesn’t) and will expect an invitation and I know will get after me or my dad if they don’t get one and his family does. This is why my dad would prefer if I do invite them (I know he would pay for them, but I’m thinking just in case something comes up and he can’t). I’m also assuming that they will just automatically show up. I want to blame it on covid but my wedding will either be in December of 2021 or 2022.
I am totally okay with dealing with them being mad that they weren’t invited because they’re “family”. But I am unsure of what to say. Do I say that only closest family and friends were invited? I don’t talk to them on a regular basis (much less at all besides the day my mom died or my moms birthday if I can help it) because they only want to talk to me when I made a decision they don’t agree with and rationalize it by blaming it on me acting out because my moms gone? I know I won’t have a clear head if they do that and I also don’t want them to blame my dad because it was mine & FH’s decision.

27 Comments

Latest activity by Bailee, on November 13, 2020 at 3:10 PM
  • Clarissa
    Super October 2021
    Clarissa ·
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    My family is huge on my moms side and I barely talk to my dads side. What I decided to do was invite my dad siblings that I didn’t mind being there a couple of cousins just to say I did. With the guest count I doubt I’ll even be able to spend more than a few minutes with them anyway. Maybe that’ll work for you to avoid any drama.
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    I like that. My only issue is that the ones I didn’t invite would end up coming and get details from the others? Is there a way to make sure that doesn’t happen?
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  • M
    Super October 2022
    Michele ·
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    First no one should ever expect an invite. You would say to those who don't make the cut that due to finances or venue size, you unfortunately cannot invite everyone you want to. Then don't talk about the wedding in front of them or on social media, etc.


    You have 2 options: invite everyone and serve just cake and coffee. It's not rude to do so and is actually traditional since full meals are a fairly recent thing. Or pick a certain number of family/friends you are super close to to serve dinner and send announcements to the rest.
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  • Clarissa
    Super October 2021
    Clarissa ·
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    Could you have someone stand at the door with a guest list? I plan on having my coordinator or a family member who will enforce it do it because I can guarantee people will try to bring plus ones that weren’t invited.
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    I could do that. Ive never thought about that! Thanks!
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  • Clarissa
    Super October 2021
    Clarissa ·
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    No problem glad I could help good luck with the rest of your planning.
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    I will probably say finances because I can’t afford that many. I do not have them on any social media thank goodness. I don’t see them except for major holidays and that’s rare. Thank you! FH & I have lots of decisions to make!
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I have a large family, his side not so much & a TON of friends. He’s a firefighter & I work at a hospital. If we invited all of my family, his family, our friends & our “fire” family, we were looking at around 250+ which is something we did not want. We cut the list & cut some more. We got it to a very manageable 80. There are some family from my mom’s side of the family that I will not invite (my mom has passed too). I’m not going to send them an invitation just because they’re family. If they get upset, I really don’t care. They are very judgmental too. I want no part of that & definitely not the drama at our wedding.
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  • Jei
    Dedicated June 2021
    Jei ·
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    For my wedding we also had to downside our guess list. To at least make sure everyone could attend the wedding in some form, we decided to have one of our photographer do a live stream of the wedding. While some people might still be in their feelings about not being able to attend, our extended family and friends were very excited to at least be able to join and support us virtually. Our guess seem to take this option very well and were happy that we were able to find another way for them to attend, even if not in person.
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  • N
    Expert June 2021
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    I had to downsize my guest list a lot as well. My mothers side is huge she has 11 siblings and they each have children and those children have children. But due to Covid we knew we needed to downsize so we decided to make cuts based on how close we were to who we invited. We decided that we wanted people in attendance that knew the both of us as a couple. ie: have they spent time with the both of us? Do they know my fiancé? Do they know me? Unfortunately, this eliminated my moms entire family as none of them met my fiancé or even know his name. Only one aunt and her husband does and we’ve spent many holidays and birthdays together over the years so they made the cut. My dad has a small side of them family (like 20) and each of them know my fiancé and have spent holidays, birthdays, etc. together over the years and his family very small (14) know me and we have spent countless holidays, birthdays, graduation’s etc. together. We invited our best friends which my fiancé and I both have one each that we’ve know for 10+ years. So our wedding will be 40+ guests. And if my moms family is upset I will just say that we wanted a wedding that everyone knew the both of us and that we have spoken to in the last year also due to Covid and changes in finances we had to make these cuts as well. I just don’t talk wedding with anyone not invited, especially now that my fiancé and I have a finalized list. Also no one should expect to be invited unless they’ve received a Save the date or invite anyways. If you want them to still be included try live streaming the wedding and sharing the link. We may do this as well.
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  • Mrs. Coakley
    Master June 2017
    Mrs. Coakley ·
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    Why would you even consider inviting these people? They're rude, judgemental and they don't bring you happiness.

    They aren't entitled to an invite or even an explanation at this point.

    If anyone reaches out; "We are keeping it a very intimate wedding" and leave it at that.

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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    I wish that would work but I don’t think it will. I think that if I invited the ones I’m okay with, they will share the details of the wedding with the ones that aren’t...
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    That’s exactly why I don’t want them there!
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    My only issue with that is that they would recognize my dads aside of the family if they were able to come and would probably get after my dad for it... My dads family is from California and my moms all live 20 minutes- a few hours away from me and the venue. Unless I did virtual for both extended family members, I’m not sure how that would work?
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    It’s difficult because around here, everyone you know, and your parents know expect an invite at least to the reception. I know I won’t talk wedding with them because I don’t talk to them much in the first place. And social media isn’t an issue because I’m not friends or follow any of them anymore. I wish that was the case... I can already see several family members trying to get details from my dad or siblings just because they think that they deserve to be there because they’re “family”. I have thought about doing that, but I know that could also bring drama if they see my dads side from California 😅. It’s a tricky situation.
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    Well, they’re not being invited, that’s why I’m cutting them out? I considered in the beginning because everyone will assume my dads paying for it, and will get mad at him when it’s my decision. After my mom passed, it’s been really difficult for my siblings and my dad to try and have a good relationship with them. They also don’t listen (that’s just one of the issued I have with them) and I know they’ll just show up anyways and make it about them... I have thought about having a destination wedding but either way I need to keep the details on the down low so they can’t randomly show up.
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  • Mrs. Coakley
    Master June 2017
    Mrs. Coakley ·
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    Ah I see. If you're worried about them showing up, simply don't send them an invite, make sure no one communicates with them any details, and perhaps hire security for your wedding?

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  • Clarissa
    Super October 2021
    Clarissa ·
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    In all honesty if they’re going to make it about them why invite them anyway. You don’t have to invite anyone you’re not comfortable with being there it’s your day and if you don’t talk to them anyway why bother.
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    Yeah- that’s what I was thinking.
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  • B
    Dedicated December 2021
    Bailee ·
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    Yeah. I think I will have to make sure that no one communicates with them, I know that will be the most difficult. Security is a good idea, I’m not sure where to look for that though. I’ve never been to a wedding where there has been security.
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