Curious... What are your thoughts on secret elopements?

I would still go if they eloped. The marriage/wedding would be about them not me, and if that's what they wanted and made them happy then I would support them. I don't think it needs to be hid, it was the choice of the couple. I think it can be very romantic is many cases.

My FH and I went to the courthouse Nov 9, 2018 and eloped, and will be having our “wedding” this Nov 9, 2019. We went with both of our parents and it was absolutely incredible (: We were going to keep it a secret from most guests for our upcoming wedding, but after about 3-4 months it got very hard and decided to not hide it. A good amount of guests know we are already technically married, but I think there are some that still are not aware.

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Has anyone chosen not to attend due to the fact that it wasn't the 'real' wedding?

Elopement is fine. I have been in 1 wedding where the couple had an elopement first. And her sister did the same thing. It's actually rather common in military relationships.

My only thing is I don't like the idea of 'keeping it from others.' Shouldn't stop anyone from attending, but it will likely hurt a few feelings.

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Did they have a full wedding later? Church, reception, etc? And what about keeping it to themselves feels wrong?

I'd still go. Life is too short to hold grudges or have expectations over someone else's intimate life decisions. Sometimes there is more than meets the eye. FH and I are fairly private (him more so) and we don't like to be the centre of attention, stress from planning traditional weddings, etc so elopement works for us and that's all that matters at the end of the day. I have family and friends on three different continents and we both are living in a country where we are not from or know anyone. We wanted to be married this month for Midsommar in an intimate way. We decided to have a celebration later where we can have a laid back party.. gives us time to send invites, gives everyone else time to get to FH's country and any other necessary preparations. If people can't come don't want to come, we won't feel bad. We are really thankful to have family and friends who are supportive and understanding of our choice. We never had any intention of keeping it a secret though.

View Quoted Comment Nope! All are still very thrilled to come celebrate our marriage with us

Eloping is fine. My aunt eloped many years ago. Her original plan wasn’t to elope, but her mother got placed on hospice & she didn’t want to have a wedding w/o her, so she eloped & called her afterwards. Fortunately her mother lived long enough for her to share the news that she was married, sadly she passed before she got home.

I know that some ppl on here feel very strongly about attending what they believe is a wedding & it is actually a vow renewal. Personally I don’t care. I believe that its the bride & grooms decision to what is best for them, and that it isn’t my business. I would still go to their wedding if they eloped & if they referred to it as their wedding vs. their renewal than so would I.

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Yes, they had a full wedding; church and reception.

The 'keeping it to themselves' makes it feel like there's a reason why it should be kept hidden. Makes people wonder "why weren't we told? Did they think we wouldn't be understanding?" So it turns something that isn't a big deal into a big deal (if that makes sense).

The part that feels "wrong" to me is lying (by omission, if not commission). For acquaintances and casual friends, I guess this could be a "it's none of their business" type issue, but for parents/family/people who are close to the couple, I think it's potentially VERY hurtful. And, there are so many ways this might "accidentally" come out, that I think it's naive to believe it will be a "forever secret." Truly eloping involves meeting legal requirements, and, therefore, has legal and practical consequences. In most areas, a marriage license is a pubic document and completely searchable; someone randomly Googling your name could easily find the record. Other examples of how this might come out include someone under 26 who has been on a parent's health insurance or receiving Federal financial aid, being married makes those things illegal. If one member of the couple has a medical emergency, there are HIPAA issues. God forbid, one of them dies, there are rights of survivorship. The list goes on and on. I guess in general, I just don't really understand why people getting married of their own free will would want to keep that a secret.

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Interesting. My mother mentioned that if we eloped she'd tell our guests and they wouldn't likely be able to come. She also said that she wouldn't be upset if she missed it. I'm not sure how those statements go together. But, my wedding is out of state and so it's an expense to attend - so maybe that's it?

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I honestly wonder if some people choose to elope because of benefits or taxes (at least in the US). Sometimes being single comes with costs, especially for a second marriage. It's interesting that everyone has such strong opinions about a private matter between 2 people. Though I did attend a wedding and later found out they had eloped. I think it bothered me for all of 20 seconds (because why couldn't she trust me with her secret?). But, then I paused and thought about how hard that must have been for her and was just happy that she did what was right for her. I think this is more complicated on a lot of levels. Hmmm....

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Maybe? Everyone's different as our their families. My family said similar things, and definitely still attended. People are usually just happy to be a part of your celebration. However you choose to celebrate it.

I told my guests that we were having an 'intimate' ceremony ahead of time. There were a few questions, but no one was really upset or refused to show at our reception because of it. Our invites just clarified, they were invited to "a reception celebrating our marriage."

I did an “elopement” in May of 2017 and I’m doing the ceremony in October of this year

I mean, thinking of this from guest's perspective, my feeling is that it's really no one's business why they decided to elope, and if I were invited to a wedding where the couple had eloped earlier, I'd still go and celebrate them even if I knew it wasn't the "real" wedding. I would only be hurt by a secret elopement if it was a very close member of my family, and even then, I'd get over it and be happy for them in the end.

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When would you expect to find out, if they eloped and didn't share right away? After the new wedding, or between the new wedding and the elopement?

I couldn’t do a secret elopement. I’m an only child and I couldn’t do that to my parents. As far as attending I would even if the person eloped. That’s everyone decision in the end and I respect that. I had a destination wedding so I did had court wedding here at home and religious wedding at our location. Technically we got married before our actual wedding but only our parents knew about this and no one else. We also didn’t make a big deal out of it either. Still we plan to celebrate the court day as well because it was valentine’s and our actual dating anniversary which we celebrated for 9 years so that won’t change. My reason to not say anything is because I didn’t want people to see us as husband and wife just yet or to take the meaning out of the actual wedding. Not everyone sees it the same way so I said nothing.

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Mmm, if it were a close family member I'd expect to find out between the elopement and new wedding, but if I didn't find out until after then it wouldn't be a huge deal either.

I would definitely feel off-put if I found out they had kept the elopement a secret and told everyone that their celebration was a “wedding” when they were already married. If they were upfront about the fact that they eloped and were throwing a celebration afterwards, I would definitely be just as likely to go as if it were a “real” wedding. But the keeping it a secret would definitely rub me the wrong way... I just don’t see why that’s necessary.

This seems like having your cake and eating it too. Is there a reason, that you feel strongly about, why you want both an elopement and a tradition wedding? That reason should be strong enough to sustain you in your heart if your friends and family are hurt by the order of events. At any rate, I’d much rather the couple is up front with me about eloping. Depending on how close I am to the couple and how much trouble it is to attend the wedding, the fact that they had already eloped and now wanted a traditional wedding could sway my rsvp.