Cousin/BM hangs out w/my ex?!

He broke up with me over two years ago via TEXT MESSAGE, and has since tried to contact me in as many ways as possible. He even wrote a 20 page essay about me bashing me AND my family (cousin has even read this and said she was appalled). He has tried to contact me so many times that I blocked him in every way possible and he still finds new ways (I.e. Using apps to call from different phone numbers, making fake Instagram accounts, making new email addresses). He had attempted to hang out with a few of my friends, but she's the only one that has given in. I don't see how she doesn't see that he's trying to stay in my life anyways possible. I'm also afraid that if I say something to her, then she will just do it behind my back. My current fiancée is appalled and looked like he was going to be sick when I told him what happened.

HELP!

My guess is your ex is playing a game. I'm hoping your cousin is unknowingly taking part. Because this guy is abusive, ignore as much as you can and change the topic if/when he is mentioned. Showing any kind of interest will just feed him.

I'm sorry he's resurfaced so close to "home".

ETA: typed my response while you posted in comments.

This is a tricky situation. Unfortunately, you can't tell her who she can or can't hang out with. As your cousin she should know better and really be angry as well regarding what he has done to you. I would definitely tell her how you feel and see what she says. Something is up with him. I would definitely let othe family members be aware should be try the unknown. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Thanks ladies! I just don't know what exactly to say as to not set her off and tell him how I feel about her hanging out with him. It will trigger him to try harder, I know him.

I probably would have told your cousin right there, "Oh really? I thought you weren't his biggest fan." I wouldn't tell her not to spend time with him because telling her not to could push her closer to him. I think my stance anytime she brings him up would have to be, "Well, you know how I feel about him, so let's not discuss it." It's a reminder to her that he's not a good guy without having to labor the point and if he is using her to become a focal point of your life, it sends the message to him that the door is closed and he won't phase you.

This would make me so mad that I'd probably be condescending af to my cousin for being a silly child and not seeing what is really happening. But that's me and my intolerance for bullshit.

Can you sit her down and explain the deal? Will she be mature enough to understand the game he's playing or will she go all rebel because "you can't tell her what to do"? This definitely needs caution.

Yeeeeees BlueHenBride!!! Exactly. Word for word.

While I haven't been in exactly your situation my suggestion comes from a place of experience. My mother's BF is an alcoholic who (when drunk) is rude, inappropriate and threatening. When my sister got married, the BF tried to pick a fight with my (then) 77 year old father (mind you my parents had been divorced 34 years at the time of the event) followed by making inappropriate (sexual) comments to my cousin's 18 year old daughter (which also almost caused a fight). The next time I saw BF he went on and on about how "mean" my mother is and how unhappy he is. He also would call my sister (drunk) complaining about my mother. Given all the issues I told my mother he was not invited to my wedding (she understood and wasn't surprised at all).

She decided to break up with him and I accompanied her to the court house to get a restraining order. I thought that was the end of it. Nope, he was calling her from jail (he was arrested for assaulting another woman). My mom decided to take him back. He got drunk on night and when she wouldn't let him into her building, he rang the buzzer of every apartment in her building (at 2 AM!). She was asked to move out of her apartment. I thought that would be the final straw, nope.

In order to keep my composure I have told my mother she cannot talk to me about boyfriend. She knows he is not "good for her" and that he doesn't make her life better he makes it worse. She chooses to continue to go back to him and I want no part of it.

I suggest you do something similar. Remind your cousin about everything that has happened in the past and remind her about the letter he sent and tell her that if she continues to be in contact with him, you don't want to hear anything about him. Ask her to respect your feelings by not discussing anything that has to do with you if she spends any time with him. You really can't do anything else about it but I think you should be able to at least remind her why you need the distance and then expect her to respect that need.

Update: FH and I decided that we will wait to see if it happens again. I don't want to cause any unnecessary drama. I'm just hoping that it was a one time thing and won't happen again.

sigh. I wish i had a backbone to actually put all your advice into effect.

Perhaps she doesn't know he's toxic / abusive, and it sounds like he's using her to play a head game. It may be uncomfortable....but if my fly was unzipped I'd rather know, even if it's embarrassing. She may not digest what you tell her especially if she knows you have an ax to grind. But I think you should tell her about the emotional abuse, and you aren't trying to tell her who to see, but are concerned because you experienced it yourself. After that, it's not your business. But it is your business if letting her around will bring drama to you.

@Jayfarrellphotography She knows ALLLLL about the abuse.. that is why it was so confusing. She HATED him for it when we were still together, but now she's hanging out with him? Doesn't make any sense in my mind.

Shit.....that adds more to the fuckedupness. New word. That's a tough one. On one hand, she can make her own disasters because she's an adult....but in the same token knowing what you went through, it is disrespectful for her to fraternize with him in any way. I'd be a bit concerned about her. I would definitely be no nonsense about it if it comes up again...but until then maybe see what happens? Ugh....really awkward.

Yeah. I am concerned, but I also hate drama. haha. I just wish she never said anything about it. If you're going to be a shady person, please be like everyone else and just do it behind my back. hah

ignorance is bliss, I would rather not know.

I think if she brings it up again, you're well within your right to let her know it's a slap in the face for her to associate with him knowing the abuse that he brought to you....and you aren't telling her what to do, but you do have the right to shut out anyone who brings drama to your life. Self preservation first.

Honestly, it's her decision to hang out with whoever she wants and all you can do is tell her how you feel. Don't demand or get all emotional, or hysterical. Just calmly state how and why you feel the way you do. Since she doesn't already understand, maybe you confronting her will help her understand. I would also be concerned if she's telling him things about you. If she doesn't understand, I would let it go and probably distance myself.

^^ YES. ^^

@futuremrsdyson yeah, i would never turn it into something dramatic like that. That would end badly because i know she would go tell him, and that's what he wants so he can contact me and be like "why can't i hang with your cousin". He will find anyway to contact me. so annoying. I'm also afraid because i have a feeling that her reaction would not be a good one, no matter how I say it.. and distancing myself from her would be the last thing that I would want because we grew up together as practically sisters and not just cousins.

The whole situation just stresses me out and makes me sad, so I just hope it doesn't happen again and I won't have to worry about saying anything to her.

Guys have a code....bros before ho's. Not exactly nicely phrased, but it's used....there should be some code of ethics and loyalty on her part.

@nikki yeah I think I'm going to say something along those lines if I actually end up having to say something.

@jayfarrellphotography Ho's before bros all dayyyyy! haha

She needs to cut it out. when the relationship was over with you it ended w your family too. if I were you I would be straight forward about it. what relationship is more valuable to her?