Zoe O.
Devoted November 2019

Cousin Picked the Same Weekend

Zoe O., on November 14, 2018 at 2:39 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 49
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Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever really need to post a rant or a rave on these forums. Typically, I come here to try and give suggestions to smooth out tiffs between family and friends. Alas, here I am with my first really wedding rant.

My fiance and I got engaged in April. Within a week of the engagement, we announced our date. The date was easy for us to pick, as it was one that carried some personal significance for us. A few months go by and my cousin gets engaged. I thought nothing of it other than the normal congratulations and general excitement for another bride in the family. My fiance and I opted for a long engagement (about 1 and a half years), so we thought my cousin's wedding would likely be before it or sometime after it. However, just this week, I get word from my grandma that she received my cousin's save the date and guess what - it's the same weekend. Normally, it wouldn't be an issue, since they're not the exact same day except that my cousin is having her wedding halfway across the country, leaving little to no travel time. To top all this off, my grandma asks if I can just reschedule my wedding. I told her that I couldn't because it was an important date AND we've booked and paid deposits on vendors and venues. She said the same was true for my cousin but I should be the one to change it since she sent out the save the dates first (a whole year in advance of the wedding).

Naturally, I was pretty upset. I even called my fiance to make sure I wasn't overreacting or going bridezilla. At any rate, we made it clear that we weren't changing our date. But I am worried that my grandparents won't be at my wedding. I'm also worried that she's going to book other prewedding events on top of mine. There is no way she didn't know my date. We posted it on Facebook, our wedding website, even brought it up at family gatherings, etc. She's even come to me for advice and tips on planning! And with the whole ordeal of sending out save the dates an entire year in advance, I'm pretty certain she did that just get the jump on me and try to get family to commit to her wedding first.


I'm not crazy - this is messed up, right?

49 Comments

  • Shannon
    Savvy June 2020
    Shannon ·
    • Flag
    Aw that sucks so much, I’m sorry for you Smiley sad You’re definitely not overreacting. Out of all the weekends and days to choose, why would she choose the same weekend as yours🤦🏼‍♀️ Also, I definitely think she sent out the save the dates to have your family commit to hers instead. I’m so sorry :/
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I mean, it’s kind of messed up if your grandparents and other family members need to travel, but I wouldn’t remember your date just because you posted it on FB or your website or brought it up at a family party. This is why I keep STDs on my fridge- so that I have a physical piece of paper that tells me when someone’s wedding is. I also think STDs a year in advance is pretty standard when a good amount of your guests need to travel.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Sarantos
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. Sarantos ·
    • Flag
    No I think you’re reacting appropriately. I wouldn’t remember a fb date necessarily but this is different, plus I would at least remember the month/season and check. I’d be really upset too.
    • Reply
  • Ingrid
    Super September 2018
    Ingrid ·
    • Flag

    Ahh this is awful! How closed are you and your cousin? Any chance she just forgot your date?

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  • Meghan
    Super September 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag

    That's super annoying and frustrating. Have you talked to her about it at all? It does seem a little like she's trying to call dibs on that weekend even if you had your date first, but it is possible that she just forgot. Or knew the date but thought the year was different?

    We sent out our Save the Dates a little early because one of our friends/future in-law just got engaged and we wanted to make sure they knew that day is taken before they start planning their own wedding date.

    • Reply
  • Stephanie
    Super August 2019
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think you’re over reacting at all! Before finalizing our date, we checked with FHs cousin who got engaged before us to make sure she wasn’t picking a date around ours, and I also checked with my three friends that I knew were looking at the same time frame for their weddings! I think that’s just considerate and good planning to make sure you’re not stepping on someone else’s date, especially if you’re planning on inviting a lot of the same people, and even more so if your weddings are distances apart!!
    • Reply
  • M
    Dedicated April 2019
    Misty ·
    • Flag
    Oh no! I’m so sorry! I don’t think you’re overreacting at all! I would not be happy if this happened to me. Have you tried to talk to her and see why she chose that weekend? It may not do any good but if you guys can talk directly maybe you guys can smooth things over. You had your date picked first; honestly her knowing you had a date set should have been an indication to directly ask your date if she didn’t remember to avoid this situation. I can see sending save the dates out really early if almost everyone is going to need to travel though.
    • Reply
  • Nisa
    Super March 2019
    Nisa ·
    • Flag

    I don't think you're overreacting. I agree with PP that having a STD already sent out makes it more likely for people to think of or remember your cousin's wedding first. However, if we're just talking about whether she was justified or not, NOT AT ALL. You included her in your planning, she knew exactly when your wedding was, and didn't care to make hers a different weekend? 52 weeks in a year and hers has to be the same weekend? It's not thoughtless, it seems calculated and mean. How close are you?

    • Reply
  • M
    Expert November 2019
    Mrs! ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I completely agree with Shannon. No one sends them out that far in advance. She did it just to get the family to commit to hers instead.
    • Reply
  • M
    Expert November 2019
    Mrs! ·
    • Flag
    Love, I am so soo soooo INCREDIBLY sorry for what you are going through! 😔 1. I would definitely not help this cousin out anymore and not show up to her wedding if you reschedule yours. 2. If you want to reschedule consider having your wedding on the same day you planned, but next year. This way, hopefully she is on vacation for her one year anniversary and doesn’t show up to your wedding and you don’t have to see her there. Again I’m soooo sorry she did this to you. That is DOWNRIGHT mean and rude and I don’t think if that happened to me if I could ever get over that. ESP since she knew and you had been helping her. She knows how weddings work and she knew you had vendors paid for! For her to even have a wedding a week apart from yours would be rude considering it’s soooo far away! It would make it hard for everyone in the family since they have to travel so far.
    • Reply
  • Rachel
    Super July 2019
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    Wow your cousin is a piece of work. It’s obvious she sent out STDs so early to try to beat you to it which is so messed up. I also don’t think it was appropriate for your grandma to ask you to change your date when you announced your date months ago! And lastly, people are less likely to travel across the country if your wedding is in town so it’s pretty dumb of your cousin to choose the same weekend as you.
    • Reply
  • Rachel
    Super July 2019
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    Also if I were you I’d get your save the dates in the mail like next week so people don’t start marking plans for her wedding prematurely but that’s just me. No way I’d change my date is it held significance and vendors were already booked.
    • Reply
  • M
    Expert November 2019
    Mrs! ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Rachel has a good point. You should send out your STDS soon and I’m assuming that day way special to you cause it’s your dating anniversary??? If I’m correct you should write something like “save the date for our wedding...celebrating on —/—/— ...which is our 5th (or whatever number) anniversary!” It will show that date is sentimental and also since yours won’t involve traveling maybe more people will use ur wedding as an excuse to not go to hers! Send yours out ASAP! It might work in ur favor since yours is close
    • Reply
  • Rachel
    Super July 2019
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    Also if this happened to me I’d be handing out my save the dates in person to any family I’d be seeing at thanksgiving (and mailing the rest asap), basically networking (lol) so people know the significance and I’d be saying things like “I know I announced our date months ago but here’s our Save the date! we’re so excited to get married on this date because ____.” No joke, I’d jump on it.
    • Reply
  • A
    Dedicated November 2018
    Alma ·
    • Flag

    Wow this is so sad and I am sorry you're going through this! I feel for you because something similar but not so happened to me. I got engaged then my future SIL gets engaged a few months later so their engagement took the spotlight away from my FH and I. Me and FH decided on having a small wedding to save money and SIL decided on a big wedding (her father in law is paying for it) so all of a sudden FH's side of the family is raving about her wedding while mine was pretty much pushed to the side without importance because it will be at a restaurant. I love my future SIL but it sucks to feel like your wedding is nothing!!!! My advice to you would be to keep your date. Even though you didn't send out STDs you announced it first and your cousin should have thought about that. She knew better and if your family really loves you, they will be at your wedding even if it means they have to travel far the next day for your cousins wedding. From the bottom of my heart I wish you best of luck!

    • Reply
  • M
    Devoted October 2019
    Melodie ·
    • Flag
    Man, how crummy. I feel for you. 🙁
    • Reply
  • Haley
    Dedicated August 2019
    Haley ·
    • Flag
    It is! That is so unfair of your cousin. I know it sucks, but just make it really clear that you cannot and will not change your date. You set your date first and it is important for you. Unfortunately, yes, that might mean your grandparents won’t come. Smiley sad But I think it’s better to stick to your original date. Try talking to your cousin and tell her how much it means to you and how much it hurt that she did that. I know it may not get you very far but it’s worth a try. I know this is petty, but I would cut off contact with my cousin after that.
    • Reply
  • Kayla
    Kayla ·
    • Flag
    Oh that was shady!!! She did that on purpose!! People don’t send save the dates more than 6 months prior so that BS! She did that on purpose!!
    • Reply
  • Winter Bride
    Expert December 2018
    Winter Bride ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    That’s what I was thinking.

    Honestly if there are teo weddings in the Family and one is local and the other requires travel, I’m more likely opting for the local one.
    • Reply
  • Lacy
    Super December 2018
    Lacy ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Same. That would be a pretty easy choice for me.
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