Cousin is wedding officiant

Does "he's big into church" mean he is a minister, familiar with ceremonies and public speaking? Or does it mean that he is serious about his faith and attending services?

Your answer to this is very important. If things go wrong during the ceremony, it's too late to think about having a professional and experienced officiant.

Your wedding ceremony is the single most important part of your wedding day. Without it, it isn't a wedding at all. Your ceremony should be warm, fun and romantic. It is the single piece that will set the tone for the rest of the day. You want your guests to walk away saying "WOW!" instead of "Wow, that was awkward."

I would recommend working with him to have a script for what he will say. Even professional public speakers and officiants write out notes--that way you know you're all on the same page and it will eliminate question in his mind if he'll blank or anything.

We had a friend officiate. I wrote out the majority of the script for him and he added a few lines. I also spelled it out pretty well what was needed (like a microphone, etc). So if you can do that, you should be good to go.

My brother and FH's sister are marrying us. We are writing a script for them.

Okay, I know this is my business, but it's also my passion, and I don't honestly understand why anyone would have someone who has never done this before be their officiant. It's so much more than standing up and talking; it's commanding a room. It's dealing with the legalities and being able to engage 100 diverse people who will leave saying, "wow that was great and personal,' instead of 'geez that was weird and awkward". It's writing something that is really about you instead of pulling unrelated quotes from the internet and stringing them together. Or you writing your own script, when you have no experience doing it.

It's the beginning of the day, the only legal part of the celebration, and the one 'thing' where getting the absolute best is probably not much more expensive than getting a gift card for a rank beginner. Why trust that to your Uncle Phil who has probably never encountered a mic before, has no idea how long 12 written pages will take to read, and has never delivered a speech in their life? To save 400.00? Get rid of the chair covers and spend the money on something important.

For those of you who think that an officiant is going to deliver an impersonal, expensive ceremony that you won't have any say in, well...you've haven't found the right one. I realize that the ceremony is not the focal point for many people, and that's fine, but if it is? Find someone good.

I am very happy with my decision on having my cousin marry us even though he has not performed a wedding before. Being someone who no is not a minister but very involved in his church and his faith and his love for his wife and family. It's not as much about saving the money as it is having someone personal to us perform the ceremony who has been there in our 13 years.

While I understand there may be a few hiccups and he even may shed some tears but I feel that is what will make our ceremony ours, and personal and memorable for us.

Kelly...my advice. Make sure your clear about some things ahead of time.

1. Who is writing the ceremony?

2. Who is orchestrating the ceremony (is your cousin going to help cue entrances and music etc)

3. Has your cousin done much public speaking? (for some people this is easy and for some people they may need to practice a lot.

4. How does your cousin feel about

5. How are you and your cousin making sure you meet the legal requirements for the ceremony to count...marriage licences etc. Who is mailing in the paperwork?

6. What is your cousins plan if something goes off track...if you or your SO mumbles or forgets words and needs repeats or if a reader/singer/etc doesn't happen the way you guys plan on it?

7. Do you want parts of your ceremony to feel more serious or have a more light tone? How would you want that conveyed.

8. Is your cousin going to read off off a script (paper, ipad, cell phone?) or memorize it?

9. Does your cousin need a stand to hold the script?

10. What do you want him to wear?

11. What does your venue require from the officiant?

12. Is your cousin going to be there for the rehearsal (because with newby officiants this is extra important)

We had a friend as our officiant and only received rave reviews...but I wrote the script (and she helped add in a few spots), we really worked on the flow together and what would happen if things went off track, she was super comfortable directing other people and it was wonderful to have someone I cared about being the person that helped commit me and my husband to each other for life. BUT I think this also could have been very personally done with a prof officiant with a LOT LOT less work on my part.

Celia, I write for a living so I'm pretty sure I have some experience haha.

And I have to second everyone, cost has absolutely nothing to do with it. Sometimes people want someone they know and love to marry them instead of a complete stranger.

I write too, but i couldn't probably write what you do.

And by the time I do someone's wedding, I'm not a total stranger. That's why I very often welcome their babies and memorialize their grandparents and parents, unfortunately.

I don't take it personally, and obviously, this is a personal choice, but sometimes, getting someone really good at what they do is important. And granted not all pro officiants are good at what they do. Some of them are terrible, and I'm the first to point that out, lol.....

Here's my personal suggestions from my experience:

- have anything you want said printed out and make 2 or 3 copies for others to have just in case a reading or someones vows get misplaced.

- crazy as it may sound, have someone else officiate themselves on the internet and standing by in case your cousin gets sick, gets stuck in traffic or whatever.

I had one of my husband's friends standing by to officiate who had in the past been a seminary student. just in case. Hubby was irritated about it, other's thought I was just being obsessive, I didn't care.

about 10 minutes before we were supposed to start, my officiant wasn't there yet. I told the DOC to just send hubby's friend in so I could quickly touch basis with him. he already had copies of a ceremony ready, and he was going to do a reading anyhow, so ironically I was cool as a cucumber about it! I just said "well then fine, C is going to do it then"

the officiant's secretary was there and had his cell number, so she called him. he thought the wedding was to start at 4, not 3! DOC was laughing because he heard the secretary say "well you better drop it all and get here fast because the bride is ready to have someone else take your place! "

he was about 15 minutes late, but he made it and did a wonderful ceremony. before we ever left that church I checked my emails and there was no question what time the officiant had been told.

for the next 3 days I looked at the hubby with a big 'I told you so!' grin on my face!

so that's my novel of advice!

I would much rather have a family member who I've KNOWN perform my ceremony than an officiant I just met. It's much more personal that way. We were very adamant about not "hiring" an officiant. My younger brother went and got ordained and he is doing the ceremony. If he messes up, oh well! Atleast it's my brother and its meaningful compared to someone who's doing it just to make a buck.

Alyssa, I find that really insulting. If i just 'wanted to make a buck', trust me, there are easier, faster, more efficient ways to do that. If you ever talked to a great professional officiant, you'd find that most of us entered this business as a passion, as a calling, and with a desire to make our couples' weddings fantastic. Those of us who are good that is.

Almost everyone is trying to make a buck somewhere along the line, right? Even officiants who accept a 'donation' to their church. It's part of life.

Kelly, if your cousin is not a minister, by what authority is he marrying you? If he is not legally authorized to marry you, you'll need your minister to sign the paperwork (and s/he will probably have to be the one to "pronounce you husband and wife").

I have shared co-officiating duties with people who were not authorized by any state or church. I had to say the legally required "stuff" while friend/relative did the rest. I had to sign the legal marriage certificate.

Alyssa, I'd rather pay a pro than have an amateur surgeon operate on me!

LOL, Nancy...we think alike. I had the same thought.

The make a buck comment was hurtful. I can't fault Celia for her interpretation. All of us, whether we work in the wedding industry, the fashion industry, the retail industry, or any industry, are working, first and foremost, for income. The personal and spiritual aspects of Celia's profession are not depreciated just because there is a business transaction involved. All of us strive to find work that has meaning to us, utilizes out talents, and pays the bills. When you feel a calling, you write well, you're a people person who can draw others out of themselves (not easy, by the way), you joyfully embrace and honor all traditions and couples, you have a natural public speaking ability, and the gift of punctuality (lol), being an officiant is probably an excellent choice.

As to whether or not you want to hire a professional or ask your friend/family member to officiate, that's a personal decision. There are brides who will leave nothing to chance, and there are brides who have a much more relaxed attitude toward the entire affair. Then there is every bride between the two. I can see both sides of the issue, and I leave it up to the couple to make a choice that fits them. If someone is on the fence about hiring an officiant, some of the issues Celia (and Northern NM) listed might help them make a decision.

We're hiring someone. I want someone who has done this before, will meet with us and listen to what we want, and work with me on what we're looking for instead of someone who has relationships with other family members they might want to satisfy (like my mom). I don't want to have to worry about how they'll do because they've done this before, and honestly I'm looking forward to having someone who can write the ceremony for us (with our input). I think with the right conversations, it's possible to know someone without being friends or family members.

LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE Christine. Nice dog too.

To each their own. I'm personally going to hire a professional and write my own ceremony. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a friend or family member do it. Either way at the end of the day you will be married. There's no such thing as a perfect wedding. If a mistake is made oh well. Sometimes it's the mishaps that make the day special.

I tell my couples that if something goes wrong, it is what they'll laugh about at their 50th anniversary party (hopefully sooner). Sometimes flower girls or ring bearers don't cooperate, sometimes rings are forgotten, sometimes the best man gets lost.

BUT, if the license doesn't get filed correctly -- they won't be married at the end of the day.

Thanks Celia! And thanks for the compliment on the dog too! It's a Big Deal to my mom that we're not getting married in a church. She thinks it's a "compromise" to have her friend- from church- perform the ceremony instead of the priest. Supposedly the friend just did a great secular ceremony for her grandson, but I don't want their friendship to be strained by the differences of opinion between my mom and I. Either my mom will convince her to sneak a little God in, which will feel inauthentic to us, or she won't, and my mom will be hurt. A professional can provide a structured ceremony that will let my mom feel we're married while being true to us. Everyone wins, and that professional will be compensated for the time they'll take to get to know us and write a ceremony that will accomplish all the things we need it to, which won't be easy.