Sammy L.
Beginner November 2020

Cousin engaged after and married before

Sammy L., on December 29, 2019 at 2:59 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 38
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So my cousin was engaged about three weeks after I was. Her mom called my mom today to tell me that they set their date in October, a little more than a month before my date. I have to be honest, I am kind of ticked. It feels like she is just coming in to steal my thunder. Since I was engaged first and my date was set first, I feel like I should be the one getting married first. I don't get why she is in a rush to have her day before mine and steal the spotlight. She didn't even ask me what I thought about all of this before she decided the date. My parents don't think she is doing anything wrong, but my MOH and FH feel the same way I do. What should I do? Can I ask her to reconsider her date so I can have my own time to celebrate, like I had planned?

38 Comments

Latest activity by Amanda, on February 21, 2021 at 9:51 PM
  • Givemeallthepups
    Expert February 2020
    Givemeallthepups ·
    • Flag
    I think you should just let it go. Her getting married a month before you won’t make your wedding day any less special. You chose a date that works for you and the schedules of your closest people; I’m sure she set her date not to bother you but to work the best around her prior commitments.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    No do not do that. Most likely it has nothing to do with with rather that is the date she wants. I get how you feel but if the shoe was on the other foot would you want someone asking you to change your wedding date? Yours will still be special so even though it is upsetting and you have a right be annoyed, she deserves her day too so let it go and let her be happy.

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  • Neeva
    VIP September 2020
    Neeva ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. Asking her to change her date would probably not go well. I don't think she is necessarily trying to steal your spotlight, maybe she is just ready to get married or picked out a venue that only had that date available?

    Just send our your save the dates first and let people decide for themselves to attend hers, yours or both!

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I think you need to let this go. I don’t know how long you’ve been engaged, but she’s having at minimum a 10 month engagement which isn’t rushed at all. Most of my friends have had 6-18 month engagements, with most being right around a year. If you say something, you’re going to look incredibly petty.
    • Reply
  • Sammy L.
    Beginner November 2020
    Sammy L. ·
    • Flag

    We have the same VIPs, everyone is going to be comparing our weddings. I feel like we are going to be in competition unless she changes her date. I don't get why she would want that because I certainly don't.

    • Reply
  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
    • Flag
    Cousin engaged after and married before 1Take Elsa's advice, and let it go.



    You're gonna look petty if you bring it up.
    My fiance got annoyed when his friend proposed. He thought he could have waited til after our wedding... I told fiance if he had proposed in a more timely manner, we would have been married before his friend proposed. Which is true.
    I doubt your cousin thought about stealing your thunder when she picked her date. And it's rude to rain on her parade.
    Your wedding is gonna be great, but it's going to be better if you focus on yourself and not your cousin.
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    Absolutely not. Her wedding has nothing to do with yours and I very highly doubt that she chose her wedding date (in literally the most popular wedding month) to spite you. Maybe consider talking to a therapist about these insecurities.
    • Reply
  • Rose
    Devoted August 2020
    Rose ·
    • Flag
    No you can’t ask her to mover her date. I don’t know about you, but coordinating a date that worked for me/ my family with the venue I wanted was really difficult. The date I wanted wasn’t available so it was that date or another venue. Maybe your cousin got in the same boat. I got engaged before my cousin and the only thing that mattered was we weren’t getting married on the same day. Your cousin getting married before you should have no effect on your wedding at all. I’m getting married in August and my cousin is getting married in September, less than a month after. I’m just happy for them. Just focus on your own wedding, it will not be any less because your cousin did it first.
    You are not in competition unless you make it that way. If someone is going to compare your weddings they will do it if it was a month apart or a year apart. There is no competition between me and my cousin, or the third cousin who is getting married in October. I have shared resources with them, sent them my guest list and addresses of our side of the family. It’s been fun to plan with them, see what their doing and what their not doing. Take a breath and just focus on your own wedding.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    It would be rude of you to say anything about her date, at all. Unless she chose the same date, after you had announced it, any day she wants depends on what she and her FI want. Nothing to do with you. This is not a deli, served in the order you get engaged. Her fiancé's family, and their schedules, and hers matter for her date. Your FI and you pick according to when you want the wedding, and when venue, and important people to you are available. There is plenty of love and attention around for all. She is not taking anything away from you. There is no reason for others to consider your date when setting theirs, if they do it first. Don't be so competitive for attention with your cousin. It is unbecoming.
    • Reply
  • Ellen
    Dedicated September 2020
    Ellen ·
    • Flag
    If you are this focused on “your thunder” and “your celebration” your priorities are in the wrong place. The only person making this a competition is you. Take a deep breath, remember the whole point of a wedding is to marry the love of your life and celebrate with your friends and family - agree with all of the above, let it go and be happy for someone you care being lucky enough to find the person they are marrying.
    • Reply
  • Sammy L.
    Beginner November 2020
    Sammy L. ·
    • Flag

    I feel like the consensus is that I can't say anything, but she even wants to pick some of the same bridesmaids as I have. I feel like I have to schedule all of my pre-wedding events now and send everything asap to make sure that people commit to my things first. I don't think it's selfish to want my family to be fully present at my things, especially my wedding.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    2 of my siblings, and 3 cousins who lived within 3 miles of me, got married the same summer and fall. There have been 4 years with 4 or more weddings of immediate family or first cousins. Not uncommon in big families who live clseby. Engagements varied from 2 years to 5 months. We we're at different places for jobs, schools, military service, age. Nobody compared. My now hubby's family had a big spring and summer the same year. Everyone enjoyed each wedding, sharing things, helping each other out except one of hubby's brother's Fiance. Everyone came to resent her pettiness, always comparing this one to that, always making value judgements instead of accepting different styles as expressions of the people's personality. Everyone got sick of her whining, and began to ignore her childishness. Any lack or attention to her wedding was people deliberately avoiding her , because everyone was happy for everyone else, except her. She was a bitter pill. And she brought it on herself with her complaining and comparing. Be gracious and friendly, share ideas or not, but don't ruin your own experience with a bad attitude . This is not an unreality TV show. People are not rating everything.
    • Reply
  • J
    Dedicated June 2021
    Jasmyn ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately (as frustrating as it may be) you cannot control other people's weddings or dates. I would highly recommend letting it go and not say anything to your cousin about the date. It may feel like they are doing it in competition with you but I would take a step back and look at it through another point of view. Maybe they chose that date because that season, or day, has a significant meaning to the couple. Maybe it was a cost effective choice and she didn't even think it would have an negative impact on you or your FH. Unless she is generally a malicious person I do not think she did it with malicious intent. If you feel like your families and friends would "compare your weddings" I hate to say that they would probably do it whether your weddings were 1 month apart or 1 year apart. I think if you are worried for your own wedding I would recommend not sharing a lot of your wedding ideas with her. Just enjoy your own process and your own day, its not a race! Don't worry, it'll be amazing! Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Every wedding is different so no one is going to be comparing which was better. Every wedding I have attended in some way I compared it to the other but valued each one. I think it will be a competition if you make it one. My suggestion is to let this go because you focusing on this is going to make your day less special to you and at the end of the day it is not about who had the better wedding rather you are marrying you love and that is what needs to be remembered. DO NOT let this ruin your joy because only you can control your happiness.

    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    You get a wedding day, not a few months. You don’t even likely share the same friends! It’s not a big deal. If you’re concerned about her stealing ideas then just don’t share your details.
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    My cousin did the EXACT same thing. As a matter of fact, she planned a destination wedding just 3 weekends before my destination wedding (the date of which was announced 4 months before she was even engaged). It was 100% to steal the spotlight and to try to ensure our same guests would attended HER wedding (since people likely won’t be able to take time off work and spend money for 2 destination weddings in 1 month). It’s incredibly rude and selfish... but there is nothing you can do about it. I’d suggest taking the high road and not mentioning it. The bright side?... since your wedding is last, people will likely remember yours over hers lol
    • Reply
  • B
    Dedicated October 2020
    beee ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Instead of racing to invite everyone to your pre wedding events before she invited them to hers, why don’t you correlate with her. Say “Hey when are you planning to do your bachelorette party/bridal shower? I was thinking this date for mine but I wanted to make sure it doesn’t interfere with anything you have planned.” Problem solved. People can go to both.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    I am sorry to be harsh and I understand this is a place to come and vent but this poster is right. You are making this about you and not the fact that she deserves every right as you do to be happy. I think it is ok to feel a little bothered but at the end of the day why do you feel that her family won't have just as much love and happiness for your big day. Happiness is not only spread once. I am sorry if you were wanting us to say what you want to hear and no disrespect to you FH or MOH but if they are encouraging you to say something then do not. I have gone to various weddings within one year and maybe the only thing I compared was food and alcohol lol. That is it. I agree with pp's in that sit down with her just to plan things and make sure events do not conflict. I am not going to tell you how to feel but just suggesting that you be the bigger person and put that aside because that is not going to be only struggle you will deal with and if this something that is going to make things hard for you then marriage struggles will knock you down. Your friends can be bridesmaids multiple times and they can share the love for both you ladies. I can see why you are angry I really can and I am not even telling you how to feel rather I feel you coming at her is 1 - going to cause a problem between you two that could be beyond repair 2 - cause drama in the family and 3 - show that you are being petty and ultimately make others think of you badly but because it would have been caused by you. You do not want to be that person or bride. Yes your day is important and just as your cousin deserves to have you there happily you deserve to have her and everyone else there on your day happy and I promise you they will be. No one will think any less of your wedding and your day will still be special. Just be angry and then move on and enjoy your upcoming day and the fun stuff that goes with it.

    • Reply
  • Ellen
    Dedicated September 2020
    Ellen ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This is also an huge opportunity to have someone to considerate with! Wedding planning (and family) can drive anyone nuts, you can complain to each other about it! Look at the positives!


    My bff / MOH is getting engaged soon (she doesn’t know), and I’m so excited to share ideas and plan with her. It’s special to have that bond!
    • Reply
  • Ellen
    Dedicated September 2020
    Ellen ·
    • Flag
    *commiserate
    • Reply

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