Confusion leading to frustration

I think different areas all have different rules. From what I can tell the big rules are
1. Feed your guest something even If it is cake and punch wedding
2. If you are doing cash bar a lot of people frown on it but let guest know ahead of time
3. Wedding party gets a gift
4. If you are making Bridesmaids get hair and makeup you pay
5. Guest do not pay to get in to your wedding.
6. Ask wedding parties budget before picking attire.

Your mother may have older, more traditional etiquette rules, or be mixing up local/family tradition with etiquette. On here there are a lot of brides who shuck a lot of etiquette for cost saving or personal choices so it isn’t always the best place for “traditional” advice. Though there are also plenty of brides on here who are very adamant and rooted in etiquette and could advise you the most traditional aspects. And then some of us try to be in the middle as well, so you’ll get a mixed bag.

What are some examples of things you’re questioning?

Thank you! Well I am doing alright on most of those.....the guests will be fed, my bridesmaids have dresses, I dont want anybody paying to get into my wedding. That seems super tacky and needy. We are planning an open beer bar.

View Quoted Comment Who "has" to be invited. I know you choose bc it's your day but it is still a constant discussion.
Wedding party choices. She thinks his sister and my brother should be in it. My bridesmaids are decided on and have dresses. Groomsmen....well the FH needs to get off of deployment.
Gifts...we arent registering bc we just combined 2 houses. We have A LOT of stuff. She believes we need to bc of the older crowd who will not give money. (I'm ok with no gift/money)
Reception dances.....the tosses, dollar dance, etc
I'll think of more.....
Thank you for your response.

View Quoted Comment Lol it was a huge news story that a bride demanded 15,000 from guest for wedding then freaked when everyone RSVP no

View Quoted Comment Older guest may get gifts you done need. We did a small registry of upgrades like sheets new bath mat new door mat.

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Who "has" to be invited - it depends who is paying. If you and FH are paying, I'd say the guest list is pretty much on you two. My parents offered to pay for our wedding so my mom gets a lot of say in the guest list. She has quite a few of her friends on there, but we can manage easily with a 250 guest list.

Wedding Party choices - That does come down to you. I chose to have my sisters and future sister-in-law in my wedding party and FH has his brothers and his two brothers-in-law. It's ultimately up to you, though I personally think that your siblings should be included somehow, even if it's just day of getting ready or something small.

Gifts - again, up to you, but you could always register just for gift cards or more "practical" things. If you want, you could always just register for more expensive items that people could go in on together and you could upgrade other stuff.

Reception dances - typically the dollar dance is a cultural thing. If you and FH aren't of the main culture that does it, it's considered greedy. The garter toss and bouquet toss decision is totally up to you. My sister didn't do the garter toss because she didn't like the idea of her husband getting under her dress in front of everyone. I don't mind, FH and I are both people who like to be the center of attention so our wedding day will be fun lol.

Hopefully that helps! Of course, none of this is set in stone, it's just what my opinion is. Best of luck!

View Quoted Comment Who has to be invited: the people you want, though most people recommend you invite in circles. So all or none of first cousins etc. but that’s not etiquette that’s just a common choice.

there is no rule any particular person has to be in the wedding party. Neither of our brothers were in ours.

gentlemens tuxes/suits will be easy don’t worry! They only need about 6-8 weeks to get ironed out.

You do not need a registry and actually proper etiquette suggests it’s rude to bring a physical gift to a wedding because it’s an inconvenience to the bride and groom. ALL of my very traditional older guests gave cash, despite our traditional registry. That is more common.

reception dances are totally up to you, just also consider that some of the traditional ones may mean a lot to mom/dad even if they aren’t special to you.

Tosses are tradition, not etiquette and MANY brides cut them. We definitely did, I hate the garter toss.

Dollar dance isn’t one I’ll get into, to many it is the tackiest thing ever but I understand it is regionally accepted in some places.

So yeah, your mom is totally confusing her wants and traditions with etiquette. Literally none of these concerns are etiquette related, hold your ground and plan the day. You are not being rude with any of this and she needs to back down.

You sound like a good person to check a standard etiquette book out if the library. Not just a question and answer one, like here. But a comprehensive book of manners, it social etiquette. This will give you the unchanging principles if etiquette, treating other people in what society considers a polite way. An awful lit of what people refer to as etiquette her, really has nothing to do with it. People see something done a lot, they say , this is how it should be. But true etiquette actually has few rules, and what many people talk about is really a customary way of doing things. Which is changeable from place to place, social group, religion, economic class and what year it is . So your mom may say one thing, people here something totally different, and both be acceptable. The issue being , is it being done in a nice it properly way. Some social customs change. At a modern wedding, among the rich, you will not see a lineup of the servants to greet the couple, 6 extra tiny forks and utensils, footmen delivering invitations by hand. Changeable customs. But the principle if being courteous to every person as a person, regardless of their role, whether they are employed waitstaff or cooks, or your family or guests, that principle is the same. At table, use the most appropriate utensil for the food, with no touching if wet or slippy foods, minimal mess, and no touching things other people will eat ( no picking up a roll, changing your mind, and out it back stuff.). is most likely to get you through a meal, without all manner if tiny specialized forks and tiny sugar cube tongs and such. People talk endlessly about details that really do not matter. The rule of this or that. But a different way of doing something that does not go against standards of polite behavior, is fine. Nothing in etiquette now, it in the last hundred years in US, has ever said, brides must where white. It that bridesmaids must all dress alike. It groomsmen must dress alike. Or that the clothing worn at a wedding must be different from what you wear to a restaurant or the theatre. Pull any good thing from your closet. All etiquette says, is that the couple ( ceremony) and reception hosts ( couple, parents, whoever) decide on the formality if the occasion. And everyone dress accordingly: no one more formal than the bride and groom, or showier or fancier. All family involved, and chosen wedding party, dress the same level of formality as the couple, or one step less. Dress appropriately for the occasion. All the rest of the rules on clothes, are changeable. . . . Another example would be manner if dress. Etiquette: hosts do not dictate how guests dress, to exceot that they observe the formality level, for any social occasion. That includes weddings. Part of general etiquette, is that except in a performance or a ritual or a job, adults do not tell other adults what to wear. As applied to weddings, it means the couple may choose the basic dress or suit of clothes of participating BM and GM. They are role players in the ceremony. But the couple cannot say what their parents, family, or guests wear. Or other than clothing, dictate the accessories or looks if the person. . . . So on this site, you may see people saying they are asking all guests to wear black, or red, and everyone ought to do it to please the couple, because it is their day. But no matter who says it, it how many, it has never been acceptable for hosts to dictate the color is style if guests clothing, only the socially appropriate formality. So such arbitrary dress codes, are against the real rules of etiquette. But if mother says, well MOB chooses her dress, then MOG chooses according to what MOB did.. no. Social customs in some groups, outdated. But was never etiquette. Brides saying, well I want my mother and MOG to wear my colors? It is not the bride's place to tell family, their own presumably adult mothers, how to dress. The princess does not rule the household. Not can the bride require BM to do their hair in a certain style it color. She can suggest, up or down. But if BM wants something different: she is not a paid model I actress, a prop to the bride, she is a person, and chooses her iwn appearance but puts on bride's chosen dress or suit if clothes. Your mom, or many bride s giving advice here, may be talking from weddings they have been to, it seen in TV. And not what is it ever was, proper etiquette. The value if a real etiquette book is it will tell you the principle in each area, the reason for the rule. But leave it to you to choose the way in which you observe it, traditionally, modern, or do your own thing. But knowing before you make choices, what the majority if people will find acceptable, and what they will not. Then, knowing that, you make your plans. But though there are a lot if bits of good advice on WW, there are also some persistent wring things from an etiquette perspective, that many people say iver and over. Easy to be misled. A common one: that a reception is a thank you for coming to the wedding. Wrong. Historically it has always been an optional part of thecelebratiin itself. Which is why it has always been acceptable to have a small wedding ceremony if you wish. Then invite a lot more people to a reception. Or, not have a reception at all. Which is okay standard etiquette ( ceremonies, religious things, or legal processes may stand alone.). Though on other social occasions lasting a period of hours or across a meal time , hosts must provide some kind of food and drink. Having a reception may usually be done in your social group. Mom and Dad may want it. But it is not required by etiquette. . . Good luck. To someone never in a wedding, or rarely attending them, lots of questions come up.

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Who "has" to be invited: the only people who have to be invited in terms of etiquette are the SOs of invited guests. Otherwise the guest list is determined by whoever is hosting, hopefully in conjunction with the engaged couple if they're not the ones hosting and paying.

Wedding party choices: not an etiquette thing. Completely up to the engaged people to choose who they want in their party, if anyone.

Gifts: you are not required to register according to etiquette. However, she may be right about the older guests not being comfortable giving cash, which is what a lot of guests give when there isn't a registry. You can certainly choose not to have a registry regardless, but you run the risk of receiving presents chosen for you by those people. You might think about making a small registry of items you would like to upgrade/replace for people who want to give physical presents.

Garter toss/bouquet toss: not related to etiquette, as long as you don't try to force anyone to participate and thus make them uncomfortable.

Dollar dance: not considered appropriate according to etiquette. Guests should not be taking their wallets out at your wedding, and certainly not to shower you with dollar bills.

View Quoted Comment Tiny tongs for sugar cubes?? 😂😂😂

View Quoted Comment First catering job I ever worked in an old Resort Inn , I had to set a sample table for a prospective customer, who wanted a formal tea for her daughter, and weeks later a formal rehearsal dinner. Real silver service, all the proper little plates and extra utensils, like 2 1/2 inch knives above the plates for muffins or quickbreads, and little pots of cream cheese and jams within reach of every person. Endless 13 items in a place setting for tiny sandwiches and date nut bread and coffee or tea. And the quite refined lady looked, looked at my boss, and said, so hard to find decent help these days. Doesn't the girl know that the lidded crystal jars for sugar cubes and the small silver tongs go at every place? Does she think we will all reach across to a single sugar bowl as though this were a common boarding house? Duh...

I'm keeping simple and since it is a small destination wedding, I'm not messing with a bouquet/garter toss or dollar dance. I dont even think I'll wear a garter (too hot to have extra stuff on my legs). I just want my guests to have a good time.

I think Military weddings are amazing!
Will the groom and groomsmen be in uniform?

View Quoted Comment Anna, no. We will have very minimal anything tied into our wedding that is military. The only guests that are military will be one of my BM and her hubby and FH's best man if all goes well with him. We are getting married back in my hometown vice here in California. We really just want families there and like 5 friends. Lol.

View Quoted Comment Ours is technically a destination wedding since it is back home for me vice where we live in CA. I dont think I will be fighting the heat though.....

View Quoted Comment Wow. That is so extra. Thank God I'm a commoner. I'm gonna let my hair down and get drunk in the woods with my peeps!

Amy, all jokes aside, I've been planning a casual wedding. It works because:

We will have food. Apps are fruit, smoked salmon, and dried snacks. Dinner is two meats, and 4 sides. Dessert is cake and smores.
We will have alcohol. Served out of a boat. But we have a plan to keep everything cold and will have plenty.
We will have shelter. Ramadas to keep dry if it rains, shade if it's hot. Tents if it's bad weather.
We will have running water. Hand washing and toilets are obvs important.
We will have music. Spotify! A speaker and a dance floor.
We will have adequate seating. For the ceremony and the reception. Cocktail tables too!
I sent save the dates. To immediate family, and non local family to allow them extra time to plan.
Invites are out. 7 weeks before the event. Invitations convey the formality of the event.
Wedding website mentions campfire and casual attire, it also says forest- our guests will know not to wear gowns and heels. I don't think they will expect a sugar cube bowl per place setting!

I think I've covered the bases. Guests should be comfortable.

Judith, I do see what you're saying about actual formality of the event and what is required ettiquite wise in *that* case. I'm not fancy. I don't want a fancy wedding. I want something warm, with twinkling lights, good food, good company, very much a relaxed event.

Oh I missed some stuff... no honeyfund, don't ask for money, a registry helps guests choose a gift, send timely thank you's. 😊

View Quoted Comment A friend of my mom's son is getting married, and she pitched a fit when she received the invitation, four weeks away, a bride and groom standing under a bright beach umbrella, her in a peasant skirt and blouse, and veil, him in clamdiggers and a shirt with rolled up sleeves and a top hat. . . And inside, after naming the lake beach, time date etc, the bottom said, swimming and boating after the barbecue. Be casual, be comfortable. No bathing suits at the ceremony or the tables. Full bathhouse available for changing. Plenty of shade from trees along half the beach. Drop us a line to say you are coming, or not. Plenty of meat, fish, vegetarian and vegan choices on separate food areas of a grill and buffet, all afternoon. . . . Mrs. G. went on and on: wedding invitations don't come in colors with drawings on them, they have to be engraved with borders. And who ever outs notes about food and bathing suits on a wedding invitation, wait til I get ahold if his girlfriend, after all I told her and she does everything wrong. . . . Except , it was not wrong. It was perfect. Anyone but Mrs. G . would look at it say, super informal dress and meal, no frou frou, bathing suits any time after the ceremony except at the meal tables, text whether or not we will be there. The invitation reflects what the couple wants, a day at the beach in July, informal wedding. It is okay on an invitation to an event so casual that bathing suits may be worn much if the time, to put lots of info on the invite, and informal RSVP. Truth in advertising: the invitation by it's nature says it all. I loved it. People who want casual, or dressy business wear for the ceremony and jackets off, whatever, are having the great wedding they want. So much advice is for how to do things in a formal way. But that is because informal seems self explanatory, you did informal for kids parties and family ocassions. And informal styles do not need so much detail, or dignity. And sometimes it is good for people to hear of weddings like yours, and half of my friends, that are fun and not formal. And happen a lot more than you would think by reading people's advice. Long ago, on my first shocking foray into super formal catering, my maitre'd told me afterward, " let's be clear on one thing: any customer who rudely insults workers and talks about them in front of others, as though they are not there, has no manners, and all the arcabe tableware in the world will not make her a pleasant person, it a good hostess. ". Etiquette matches the situation. At the Ritz in a public part, etiquette is tailored to fit how formal the occasion is. And though rarely talked about, informal weddings are great. Hurray for those who politely go about having what they want, different from some, but with perfect etiquette as long as what the choose to do, is done following the basic principles of treating everyone as you yourself would prefer to be treated. . Your wedding sounds great. So many people get too caught up in some movie image of every detail unique or stunning, so much work and stress, totally unnecessary. People do not talk about less formal weddings often enough on WW.

View Quoted Comment Oh, ok! You get to see him in uniform anytime you want