Conditional money from my parents

From a parent's point of view, I do think money comes with "some" expectations. For an extreme example, say I gave my adult child a gift of $5000 toward a wedding. I would be upset if they eloped without anyone there and used the money for a honeymoon, for example.

However, Sydney, I think you had the right spirit of compromising when you offered to get married in a chapel and use an officiant from their church. Your parents should have gone for that. It's foolish of them to not budge an inch. Their loss.

Sydney, I would also caution you to be careful when agreeing to be married by a conservative officiant. See threads where people (including me) were bamboozled at the last minute into agreeing to "obey" their husband.

It's a shame if money is offered with no compromising. Parents giving money can be wonderful, but there must be a little compromising from Both sides.

I find the whole joint bank account thing to be a manipulative move on your parents part. Definitely pull your money out and open an account with just your FH. I'm sorry your parents are being so controlling but you have done everything right in trying to compromise. Have a frank discussion with your parents and be prepared to move forward in whatever direction you and FH want without their money, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this and hope your parents come around. Best wishes.

I am totally on board with the idea that if you contribute money towards someone's wedding, you get a say in certain things (guest list, etc.) but this is not something I think you should have to compromise on at all.

My biggest thing with this is why do they feel that it is upholding their religious beliefs to force you to get married somewhere that you don't want to? It is so backwards and disingenuous if you don't believe that it is true to you to get married there.

Also, I would get rid of the bank account ASAP if you have any of your own money in there. The fact that they are so manipulative would lead me to worry about the safety of my funds. I wouldn't mess around.

You should decline the money. You have to do whats right for you and your FH. If that means taking on more financial responsibility for the wedding than do that. I would not accept money if it meant I had to get married in a church. My parents are at least respectful of this, if not understanding. It would be terrible for FH and I to get married in a church so we would rather pay for ourselves if that's what it took to get married by a JP with no mention of religion.

I am the mom to two sons in college, and I plan on gifting each of them a certain amount when that time comes. My fear is the bride will be all "Great! Now we can self cater and BYOB!" when I would object to funding an event with those things taking place. You help pay, you get somewhat of a say but these folks sound downright manipulative. Count me in who got married the first time by a conservative officiant who slipped in the word obey as well. Please......get your own accounts, get your parents off this account and return the money.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the advice. The whole thing is so stressful and hearing sane voices is a relief.