Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Expert May 2019

Conditional money from my parents

Sydney, on February 28, 2018 at 7:12 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 30

Saved

Flag
Hide content

My parents and I haven't always seen eye to eye, which we usually work through. Now that it's time for wedding planning, we're starting to butt heads again. I'd just like some advice.

My parents gave us $6,000 towards our wedding, which was very gracious and they absolutely did not have to do, and my FH and I expressed lots of gratitude for it. We're only going to have to pay about $3,000 out of pocket now. However, I do want to add that they still have both their names on the account with my FH and I.

My parents are both very conservative Christians however, my fiance and I am not. Yesterday when I expressed our desire that we want to get married at a venue besides a church, it led to a two-hour meltdown in which I was guilt-tripped repeatedly for not following their desires. I was also told that they didn't really want 'their' money being used on a venue outside of a church, and they even offered to pitch in MORE money to convince us.

However, FH and I just aren't interested in getting married in a church, whatsoever. Is it selfish not to, because of their monetary gift? Is it dumb not to take up their offer from a financial standpoint? I really appreciate your thoughts.

Flag
Hide content

30 Comments

Latest activity by Sydney, on March 2, 2018 at 12:38 AM

Master October 2017
fallinthegarden · on February 28, 2018 at 7:18 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would decline the money and do what you want to do.
I was afraid that H's parents would make a big deal about us not getting married in a church. That is why we used the money they offered us on extras that we could easily cut, in case we had to decline or return the money. I would much rather have not had that money for a videographer, upgraded cocktail hour, and upgraded decor than been guilt-tripped into participating in something I don't believe in.
- Reply
Super October 2018
Malei · on February 28, 2018 at 7:19 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would sit down and have a talk with them. If it really absolutely bothers them that you won't get married in a church AND you and your fiancé have your heart set on not getting married in a church, then let them know. If they still continue to use money as their "ground" for argument, then respectfully decline their offer and pay for everything yourselves.

I personally wouldn't take their money and still hold it elsewhere (I wouldn't call that selfish... inconsiderate, maybe?). I also wouldn't get married somewhere that I don't want to just to save a buck. So it's ultimately about how strongly you feel about NOT getting married in a church, really.
- Reply
VIP June 2019
Vanessasaurus · on February 28, 2018 at 7:20 PM
Flag

Hide content
We are having a catholic based ceremony performed at our venue. It is not acknowledged by the church but it offers enough catholic references to not be excessively religious yet still make the parents/grandparents all happy. Maybe this might be a compromise?
- Reply
Just Said Yes January 2020
Melanie · on February 28, 2018 at 7:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
Sydney, so sorry your are having differences with your parents. It gets a little sticky when money is involved, and its not your own. There should be some compromising ground since they are helping, but it has to be from both sides. At least thats what ive always heard. My situation is slightly different my parents have no offered to help so i will pay for it myself. My mother (also christian) said i need to be married in a church and i simply told her no since i had to pay for it. That kind of kept her quiet. See if maybe theres is a compromising ground, its you and them together they have to give and get as well as you. Hope this helps good luck
- Reply
Master September 2018
NikNak · on February 28, 2018 at 7:23 PM
Flag

Hide content
No, it's not dumb to graciously decline their offer. Parents should not insist you do something that goes against your beliefs, though if you accept money they get a say, but not final say. My parents wanted FH and I to get married in church, but regardless of my upbringing, I've never wanted that, so I've held my ground. My mom isn't happy, but she's accepted it.

Personally, I'd tell your parents, "Mom, Dad, thank you so much for your generous offer, however, since we don't feel right being forced into marry in a location that FH and I don't feel right in, we'll have to decline your offer, but know that we truly appreciate it"
- Reply
Expert May 2019
Sydney · on February 28, 2018 at 7:23 PM
Flag

Hide content
Thank you everyone. It's nice to get reassurance I'm not the only one facing an awkward situation like this.
- Reply
Expert March 2018
Heather · on February 28, 2018 at 7:24 PM
Flag

Hide content
You can either decline the offer and pay for it yourself so no one feels bad. Or try and sit down with them and talk about what you and fh want vs what they want for your day.
- Reply
VIP January 2019
Daria · on February 28, 2018 at 7:24 PM
Flag

Hide content
Would it be acceptable to have a religious officiant and some prayers or does it need to be in the church? Unfortunately this is what happens when they contribute.
- Reply
VIP September 2018
HowCo Industries · on February 28, 2018 at 7:25 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would stay away from the money either way you go. I'd want to make sure I *really* heard them and their reasoning out. Be sure you weren't just going in the other direction to be contrary. (Something I've occasionally found myself doing.) See if there isn't something that would make all of you more comfortable. Like maybe not in a church but using a Christian officiant (not necessarily their denomination) or a bible reading that even a secular audience would enjoy.
Then, I wouldn't take the money. It sets an ugly precedent.
- Reply
Expert May 2019
Sydney · on February 28, 2018 at 7:25 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
When speaking to them, I said we had picked a chapel and would be happy to use an officiant from their church. However, "chapel" does not equate to "church", and that wasn't enough compromise for them.
- Reply
Expert May 2018
J · on February 28, 2018 at 7:39 PM
Flag

Hide content
Definitely don’t get married in a church if that’s not what you want!! You don’t want to look back on your wedding and have a bunch of regrets and feel like it wasn’t even your own wedding. Maybe you can can decline their money and cut the guest list and pay for a smaller wedding yourselves that’s entirely on your own terms. Or their might be some other type of compromise, but unfortunately it sounds like they aren’t being very reasonable about it. It sounds like you are trying to compromise but they aren’t. Maybe you should tell them that you changed your minds and have decided that you are just going to elope! Maybe they will change their tune and be more willing to compromise!
- Reply
Expert May 2019
Sydney · on February 28, 2018 at 7:47 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

LOL! I wish! I've voiced that we should elope to FH at least once... maybe twice...
- Reply
Savvy November 2019
Erica · on February 28, 2018 at 8:05 PM
Flag

Hide content
It is your day. Do what you want. Pinch pennies like crazy and reduce your overall budget in case they decide to pull their funds.
- Reply
Champion August 2017
Mrsbdg · on February 28, 2018 at 9:19 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would return the money to them.

Dont compromise your beliefs to appease your parents. My mom and dad lost it on me when I told her we weren't getting married in a church. No Catholic priest would marry us due to our honest answers in our initial meetings.

Perhaps postpone the wedding until you can afford the entire wedding on your own. You don't want your parents to "learn" that you can be manipulated with the appropriate amount of money.
- Reply
Super October 2018
MaltedMilk · on February 28, 2018 at 9:26 PM
Flag

Hide content
Decline the money under all circumstances. If it means taking your $3000 and having a simple ceremony for twelve people and buying everyone dinner - do it. Your family will manipulate you guys no matter how the money is spent. Say you agree to be married in church (please don't if you don't want to) then comes flowers. Will your mom pick what she wants? Food? The list will keep growing.
Decline the money - time to be a grown up and fund this wedding yourself.
Best wishes and I am sorry you are going through this.
- Reply
Master March 2018
Orchids · on February 28, 2018 at 9:34 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would also decline money with strings attached.
- Reply
Savvy May 2019
Deyanira · on February 28, 2018 at 10:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
Why are their names on your account? Honestly, do what makes you happy. You don’t want to have any regrets on what is suppose to be the best day of your life.
- Reply
Expert June 2018
Denise · on February 28, 2018 at 10:24 PM
Flag

Hide content
Return their money and do your wedding the way you want to. At first, FHs parents were going to pay for half of our wedding, but quickly into wedding planning we realized the money came with stipulations. We quickly declined the money and are paying for our $35,000 wedding ourselves. It's more important to be happy than to save a few thousand dollars.
- Reply
Expert May 2019
Sydney · on February 28, 2018 at 10:26 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

They wanted the money to be a surprise, so they had to put their names on it to open the account originally. FH and I then went to the bank and added ourselves.
- Reply

VIP May 2018
plangalCG · on March 1, 2018 at 12:53 AM
Flag

Hide content
That’s not gracious help or a gift, that’s control. Don’t take the money and don’t get married in a church unless you believe in it and want it.
- Reply