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VIP July 2019

Concerned for my co-worker

Veronica, on November 12, 2019 at 1:20 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27
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I am concerned about my coworker because she told her boyfriend last week they are getting married. They have been together for almost 6 years. During that time, he has never proposed. He has also told her he doesn't want a wedding and that he wouldn't marry her unless they had children. They have been trying for 2+ years to have a baby, but she is having some female problems. He also refuses to adoption even though she would love to. He has expressed concern that he wouldn't love the child as much as he would love his own biological children. She disagrees because he loves his ex's child who isn't biologically related to him and often spends time with the child. He has also told her that if they ever were to get married he would only get married at a courthouse because he doesn't like crowds and doesn't want to be the center of attention. To me, he seems very manipulative. So last week she sent him two dates June 6, 2020 and October 10, 2020 and said for him to pick one because that's when they are getting married. He picked one, but asked her what happens if he doesn't propose by then. She told him she doesn't care because that's when they are getting married. She has been engaged two prior times so she doesn't really care if they ever get engaged she just wants to get married. She also told me about a fight they had about a month ago where he was commenting inappropriately on a friend of his Facebook page. He didn't think she would see because that friend has her blocked on Facebook, but a mutual friend saw his comment and told my coworker about it. I am very concerned that she is going to end up hurt by this guy. She is so excited and so is her family. She has been asking me for a ton of advice since I just got married in July. I am hesitant to give any advice because of everything she has told me, but I also don't want to cause any problems. We work in a small office and it is normally just the two of us so I don't want to cause any issues as I am already concerned she is going to be upset if/when I get pregnant since we are trying to have a baby and it is a sore subject for her. Should I just keep my mouth stuff or give her limited advice?

27 Comments

  • Mrs. Sarantos
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. Sarantos ·
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    They’re not compatible, and she will get hurt and it will be a disaster. But there’s probably nothing you can do.
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  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
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    Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can say that will help. It seems like she just wants to get married and doesn't care to who. Based off what you're saying it sounds like she's trying to force her boyfriend to marry her and his comment about what if he doesn't propose tells me he might not go through with the wedding if he isn't ready by then... which is probably a good thing. It doesn't sound like your co-worker will listen to reason, I think she needs to learn her own lesson unfortunately. The best thing you can do is be there for her, send her funny emails and bring her favorite snacks in if this all doesn't work out and she's upset. If your other co-workers talk bad about her tell them it's none of their business what other's choose to do with their lives.

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  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    It is only the two of us then my boss who is never in the office so no one else would talk about her. I just hate to see her get hurt because she is a really nice person.

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  • J
    Super April 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    She is 100% settling. He sounds like a real jerk. There is really nothing you can do, she is so in love with the idea of getting married that she will settle for less to achieve it.

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  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
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    It stinks watching others get hurt but sometimes if you say something the person will get angry and push you away. Its best to just sit back on this one and be there when she needs a friend

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  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    I forgot to add that he also doesn't want to tell any of his family until after the holidays because he doesn't want them to know for some reason. I tried asking her why it matters if they know before the holidays, but she couldn't give me a real reason.

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    I can see why you're concerned. Unfortunately, this seems to be one of those cases where you have to let her make her own mistakes. I agree with a PP that she seems desperate to get married, and she's an adult who can make her own decisions. Proceed with your life! If that means having a kid, have a kid. Don't hinder you and your future spouse's plans because of this one person!

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  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    We still very much plan on having a baby. I went last week to the gynecologist because I've been having some issues so she knows we are trying to have a baby. I just think it is going to be awkward if I get pregnant and have to tell her. I also know she can make her own decisions, but I feel weird giving her advice on wedding planning when she asks because I'm concerned she is making a smart decision.

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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie Online ·
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    Honestly it sounds like the deserve each other. From what you said, there’s clearly a lot of issues in their relationship. On both sides. I understand you’re concerned for your friend, but if someone has their mind set on a relationship as she does, there is nothing you can do or say that will make them see reason. But don’t let their negativity impact your life and your marriage. If she can’t be happy for you because you have a happy marriage or if you get pregnant, it’s time to let the friendship go.
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  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    Oh I definitely agree that there are issues on both sides. Forcing someone to marry you is a terrible idea. I think he sounds like a manipulative childish jerk. I would think he would be more mature because he is 12 years older than her, but he definitely isn't. I also wouldn't trust him since he was posting on other girls Facebooks calling them sexy about a month ago. He doesn't sound like he is ready or mature enough to be married. She also shouldn't have to force someone to marry her. She claims she doesn't need to be engaged again because she was already engaged twice and her first engagement was very elaborate and nothing could top it. That sounds like an excuse to me. What I think they need is to go to counseling or evaluation what each of them wants because it certainly doesn't sound like they want the same thing. She also told me about an hour ago he freaked out at her last night because she asked his cousin who her photographer was in her wedding and he is worried his family will find out. That alone should be a huge red flag. As for my marriage, I avoided mentioning my wedding because I knew the boyfriend said he wouldn't marry her. I also haven't really talked to her about wanting to have a baby. She knows I had a doctor's appointment with my gynecologist because I had to put it on my work's calendar since it was during work, but prior to that she didn't know we were trying for a baby.
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  • A
    Devoted February 2020
    Andrea ·
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    I have an old co-worker who was in a similar situation, and she even asked me for my advice. She did not take any of it, and just kept going on with her manipulative boyfriend. At the end of the day, it's your co-workers decision to do what she wants. It doesn't matter how many times people tell her, she won't listen or pay attention because she's got rose colored goggles on.

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  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    She asked me about engagement sessions today. She asked if we did one then says how the photographer she is looking at includes an engagement session in her packages, but goes on to say she isn't sure it is necessary because they aren't actually engaged. She isn't even going to refer to him as her fiance. The whole thing is very strange to me so I am trying my best to avoid any wedding talk with her.

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  • Mary
    Savvy May 2020
    Mary ·
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    Your friend is delusional, and why she is so keen on marrying someone who insists on putting up so much resistance is frankly alarming. This is going to be an unpopular opinion but you need to stage an intervention. You shouldn't let someone you care about be abused like this.

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  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    If I didn't have to work with her, I would definitely try to talk her out of it, but we work together in a shared office. It is just the two of us and occasionally my boss so I would feel very uncomfortable trying to convince her this is a bad idea. Her family is just so excited to plan a wedding that they aren't telling her this is a bad idea. I haven't actually met the guy, but from everything she has said it sounds like a bad idea and that she's going to get hurt. She did say he helped pick out the menu for the wedding, but then after that is when he freaked out about his family finding out so it sounds like he might also be sending her mixed signals.
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  • A
    Devoted February 2020
    Andrea ·
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    I would normally be on her side because my FH and I weren't officially "engaged" earlier this year, we had an unconventional engagement. When I would speak to my old co-workers about wedding planning they would ask me if "he knew" he was getting married because I didn't have a ring - yet.

    The only difference is my FH and I actually did plan the wedding together and had talks about where, when, who, etc. And he caught me by surprise because he got me a beautiful ring to make it "official" Smiley love

    I don't think your co-worker will "open" her eyes until something happens, but sadly by then it might be too late with a baby. Let's just hope it all works out for her...

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  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    I am hoping it works out for her,.but I don't have much faith. I'm concerned if he will go through with the wedding and if he does if he will end up resenting her.
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  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    I would be amazed if these two actually end up married. Just a guess, but I imagine he wants a date for the holidays, will end things shortly thereafter, and that's why he doesn't want his family to know. Fewer explanations.

    It take two to tango, and you can't "force" someone to marry you. I think the better question than What If I Don't Propose is What If I Don't Show Up.

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  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    I think she would murder him. They bought a house a year ago so she'd know where to find him. I just think it just a bad idea overall which is why I am hesitant to give advice.
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  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    I know this is a serious issue, but that first sentence made laugh. Smiley laugh

    Yes, having a house, and presumably at least some joint finances, together does change the situation. It seems odd to make marriage dependent on having children first.

    I guess I agree with everyone else. She has to deal with this on her own. As you said, working with her could become very awkward if you say something.

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  • A
    Devoted February 2020
    Andrea ·
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    What you can only do is be there for her. Wait until she asks for your advice and give when needed, but don't mention or comment on anything she says or does otherwise she will think you are against her. Does she even notice that he doesn't want the same things as her? Just cause you've been with someone for so long doesn't mean that they are right for you...

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