Communication

I know you said you and FH communicate well, but have you talked to him about this and about how it makes you feel when he overrides you? You both need to be on the same page about parenting and what the expectations are. In my experience, preteens and teens are great at finding weaknesses and manipulating. Not backing you up on something like food is a small step in a bad direction. Blending families is not easy and even if you are your FH communicate great and have a great relationship, it still might be helpful to talk with someone about what he expects your role to be and what you expect your role to be- maybe you’ve already discussed it, but if he’s overriding you it doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page about it. Good luck!

Just sharing my experience as a picky eater, When I was growing up my dad would try and make me eat stuff and wouldn’t let me leave the table till I did and honestly it made me more determined not to eat it. I would get so mad that I would sit there and just not have dinner. My mom would let me go. Personally I feel a balance would have been better for me. That I have try a good amount but I don’t have to eat it all. Not saying your way isn’t the right way! Just saying some give and take isn’t always a bad thing. ( but someone going against what you said is always extremely frustrating good luck!)

I would suggest counseling to be able to get on the same page. Otherwise she’s going to continue to try to get something from one of you that she can’t get from the other. Personally I am not a fan of forcing kids to eat because I think it teaches them that they can’t trust their bodies and their own hunger/fullness cues but everyone is different.

If this issue is recurring the two of you need to discuss it and work it out.
As a picky eater, I would purposely vomit on you if you made me clean my plate.

I just want to point about that there is absolutely no FLAW in counseling. Most humans could benefit from it. It often helps and rarely hurts, and is very useful. Most humans are bad at communicating and a little outside perspective is helpful. Not saying YOU NEED IT , I’m just saying, no need to be resistant, and never let pride get in the way.

that said, totally understand the vent! It’s a tricky road to navigate. And I wish you luck!

Mt future step daughter is 10yrs old and my FH has spoiled her. She knows that she can get whatever she asks from him (but not me). And the older she gets, the bigger the requests.

The issue is with my FH and his inability to say no to he. I watched for a while and bit my tongue until we moved in together and things became “our” rules. Therefore I’ve spoken with him about the fact that we’re raising a future woman who won’t hear “yes” for everything and she won’t get her way in the real world. I explained (from a female perspective) that he’s doing her a disservice. So she needs to learn NOW... otherwise her road will be rough and expectations will be unrealistic.

FH agreed and was cool with it. I think he just needed someone to help him because he was so stuck in his ways with her and didn’t know how to get out. So now she has chores, she’s got rules and she has to deal with hearing “no” sometimes (we just had a situation yesterday).

But, don’t get me wrong... he’s still a little weak in this area and isn’t as good with being consistent. But just as with my future step-daughter, changing behavior is gradual and will take time. So that applies to FH too.

View Quoted Comment He usually doesn't override me. Usually. When I first started parenting (about a year and a half ago), he would override me in front of her. But I expressed my concerns to him that his doing that told her *non-verbally* that she didn't have to respect me. And he mostly stopped. It is only an issue now when he's not there when I say something and then he says something different than I did. Parenting *is* hard! Especially when it's not your child. I try to take the back seat, but since it's our intention that I will adopt her, occasionally I get frustrated. It's a lot of growing pains for all 3 of us, but I do believe that we will get to a better place of parenting together. My FH tells me how he used to play his divorced parents off of each other. I didn't have that, so it's all new to me. Thanks for your good wishes!

View Quoted Comment It is frustrating. I was raised that I had to eat what was on my plate and if I didn't, I would have the food at my next meal (my mom and grandmother were really strict!) I agree that balance helps and I do try to take her food offerings into consideration. If it's something she's never had before, I only ask her to have one bite. But as she's been exposed to various foods, I expect more bites per exposure (if that makes sense). I just get frustrated when I've taken a stand about how much she needs to eat (usually about a tablespoon of a food that she doesn't like. Doesn't seem like much to me) and he overrides me (he usually doesn't, which makes it even more frustrating when he does!) I feel like I'm being balanced, but maybe I'm being unreasonable?

View Quoted Comment Oh I agree with you about being full, but I've been around long enough to know when she's actually full versus just saying she's full. And even then, I go with caution. I know how much she'll eat when it's food she "likes" and I try to gauge what she eaten of food she doesn't like. Ie: she can eat 2 slices of pizza, but if she tries to tell me she's full after 2 bites of baked potato, I ask her to eat one more. I really do try to respect her body awareness. It's not my body. But I feel that sometimes, she says she's full just to get out of eating food she doesn't like. So I'll ask for one more bite. Is that unreasonable? I don't think so, but I'm just learning how to be a parent to an 8yo, so maybe I'm wrong?

View Quoted Comment I come from a background of having an eating disorder and being in and out of different treatment centers for over a decade so my views are different than most! I’m not a parent yet but when we do have kids we plan to not force them to eat more bites of anything because it’s something I’ve talked extensively with my dietitian about. When I’ve asked about it she’s always told me kids will never starve themselves to death and they’ll eat what they want on their own time, to just always give them options. But again everyone is different and comes from different backgrounds and has different views.

View Quoted Comment Oh I am so not opposed to counseling. I have a B.A. in psychology and an M.A. in child advocacy. I'm a huge believer in counseling. (Otherwise, my degrees are wasted 😀) There is no pride here. And, as I said, maybe some individual counseling for me would benefit this situation. Which is why I'm contemplating going. I want to be the best future mother to my future daughter that I can be.
Thank you for accepting my vent. It is hard to become a "like a mom" to a little girl who has been through as much as she has been. I just want to do my best!

View Quoted Comment Thank you for this! You're response is perfect. My FH's first wife died when their daughter was 5. We don't live together yet (waiting till we're married). He's had a lot of "daddy guilt" (his words). I want to raise her to be a strong, independent woman, who doesn't need a man to survive (like me). I know I don't "need" him. I'm fine without him. He just makes me a better person when he's around. But you're right. Both of our future daughters need to know that sometimes the answer is "no." Jobs, college, relationships will all eventually say "no." I don't mind being the "bad guy," but it's easier when my FH stands with me. I'm sure it's the same for you! My FH has told his daughter that things are going to change once we're a full-time family. I wish he'd start some of it now, but I'll take what I can get. As you said, "our" rules are definitely going to be different than "their" rules. And he really is ok with that. He keeps telling me he's looking forward to the change.

You're right. It's all gradual for all of us. I just keep saying that we're all going through some growing pains. Good luck to you too. Thank you for your very specific input. It really helps!

View Quoted Comment Oh and chores are SOOOO in her future. Lol

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your input. I, too, have suffered from an eating disorder. (Purging even when not binging, which most people don't understand) Which makes all of this really hard for me. I am terrified of modeling unhealthy eating habits for my future daughter. So much so that I make sure that we all eat the same meal, even when I don't want to eat carbs (in particular). I do it anyway. We want to teach her that a protein, a veg (or fruit), and a starch makes a "normal" meal. I have not worked with a dietitian (maybe I should), just a psychiatrist and a therapist. And I managed to work past where I'd gotten to. My FH knows about my history and works with me to make sure that our family meals are well rounded. It sounds like you know where I'm coming from. Many people don't. Eating disorders are nothing to play with and can be terrible to overcome! I wish you the best. I really do understand where you are coming from. Better than most (it so doesn't make me an expert!) When I ask her to eat "more," it really is just one extra bite. I get frustrated that she can eat 3 times as much if it's food she likes (but always unhealthy Ie dinosaur nuggets versus chicken tenders). Maybe because of my history, I'm less flexible? I don't know. As I said, maybe I need some individual counseling. I just don't want her to be limited by only eating pb and Nutella. (All she'd eat for a while)

View Quoted Comment You’re very welcome.

It’s an interesting dynamic to come into. I didn’t want to get too long in my initial response but I was going to add the same thing you mentioned… “Daddy guilt”. It’s the same thing that my FH has and mentioned some years ago when we met. My future step-daughter’s mother is still alive. She and my FH were never married but thankfully they are cordial and coparent very well (50/50). She and I get along so it’s great!

But my future stepdaughter is the youngest of FH’s children. There’s a big gap and his other children are young adults. During that time, he was married, in the Navy and often deployed. So he didn’t get to really participate in his older kids childhood activities, his funds were tighter etc. He explains that he was so busy “chasing rank” that took up much of his time.

So years later after being in the Navy for years and advancing high in his Navy career (he ultimately retired after 30 years) he had more free time, more money, wasn’t deploying etc. and was able to pour into his youngest...But to a fault, trying to make up for what he missed out on with his older children. Also, since my future step daughter is many years younger than her older siblings, she has basically grown-up like an only child as well.

But the interesting thing is that she behaves differently with her mom. At her mom’s house, she has chores, more rules and she doesn’t hear “yes” all the time. So sometimes, when she’s at her mothers house and wants something, she’ll text her dad for it (which is what happened yesterday). So that became a new conversation.
We’re all working this out together. She’s not a bad child. But I see the spoiled nature, the behaviors and expectations that will become even worse if they aren’t nipped now. So I have to keep gently molding my FH and guiding my future step-daughter.
Best wishes to You. I’m sure once the conversation takes place, things will gradually get better.

View Quoted Comment How interesting… My Bachelors degree is in Psychology too and my Masters in Educational Counseling. Now I’m looking into getting my Doctorate in Education.

View Quoted Comment I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Sometimes that approach works for kids sometimes it doesn’t. I had one parent be lax and the other strict and I’m still a really picky eater. But as an adult I am trying to broaden my taste buds and still to this day if someone is too pushy about me trying something I’ll shut down I want nothing to do with that food even if I was thinking about trying it before. But I think your issue is more with your FH undermining you. I would just keep having the discussion about it. I know it can be really rough repeating the same things. But sometimes that’s what it takes to get through to them trust me I’ve been there. Also he’s human he will occasionally slip up. But I totally understand not wanting it to be a habit

I know you are not looking for advice but I do not eat huge meals never have. As long as she is getting all her food groups in. Making someone eat all the food on plate. Past the point that they are not hungry is not really healthy.

As a picky eater, myself, PLEASE, don't do that to the kid!

There's usually an underlying reason to not eating: texture issues, digestive issues, control issues - trust me, there's so much more than just "deciding not to eat it".

Also, forcing her to eat the food will only contribute to the possibility of an eating disorder later on.

Ask her why she's not eating something. (In my case, a whole lot of my picky eating is texture. If the texture is "wrong" for me, I can't even swallow it. Doesn't matter if it tastes good, I'll gag. Like peas. I loathe peas in all forms, because the texture makes me want to scrape my tongue raw. The rest of it remains control - my mother is a narcissist, and one of the few elements of my day I could control was the food I ate.) There could be so much more the pickiness is masking.

You and your FH need to be a united front on this, but please, center his daughter.

Really important that you both are on the same page. If you haven't already, talk to him about how you feel when that happens and ask what you both can do to resolve it. Tell him that you love the both of them.

As a parent of a 7 and 12 year old, try to provide smaller portion sizes and more opportunities for snacks inbetween the meals. That way you can ease concerns about whether she is getting enough food and finishing things. Kids can be picky at first and then they can eat the whole house later and vice versa.

You sound like a very loving person and stepmom. Parenting is tough as it is. Pick your battles and nip these two things in the bud quickly. I think you both are at the point where there is no resentment and little damage to the relationships between every involved. GL