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Beginner February 2018

Cold Feet or End?

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Raechelle, on December 18, 2017 at 12:26 PM

My fiancé and I have been together for 3.5 years, engaged for 3.
We were friends with benefits in college and ended up pregnant with our first child. We didn’t start dating until halfway through the pregnancy because I was not into him that way. Things changed and we started dating and soon became engaged.
We ended up having our second child this year, planned (we both wanted kids 2 years apart).
About 5 months ago I started feeling depressed. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 3 years so I thought If I got a job and got out of the house I may feel better.
I’ve been working for 2 months now, only 12 hours a week while my fiancé is at home (we would rather not deal with daycare). I’ve made new friends and have been having fun talking with them.
2 weeks ago I went to pick something up a half hoe away with a friend and my fiancé started freaking out. He was texting me non stop asking me where I was and why I wasn’t back. I was gone for 1.5 hours total and he was not happy about it.
Then Monday I got called into work and he freaked out on me, saying I am neglecting him and he always gets ditched with the boys and that I don’t love him anymore. All this stuff and more.
So I told him, if I’m not going to be allowed to have a life, I don’t want to marry you.

And now im not sure what to do. Our wedding is in less than 2 months, we haven’t sent out invites yet because I wanted to be sure we were gonna do this before I sent them.
Many fiancé is a really great father and guy, but I feel like I want to be free. I want to have control over my own life. I feel like we only got together because I felt I had no choice.
I do love him, I just don’t feel like I’m in love with him.

do I walk away or am I just getting scared, cold feet?

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83 Comments

Master October 2016
Mrs. Fall Bride · on December 18, 2017 at 1:14 PM
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As someone who did free herself from an overly controlling and, really, an emotionally abusive relationship, I would not stay with him. These are all huge red flags, and it's not behavior that you should tolerate. If your wedding is really in 2 months, and you haven't sent invitations, I believe that is your heart telling your head not to go through with this. This does not sound like just wedding jitters to me.
He may very well be a great father to your kids, and a good person at the core of it all, and of course I understand wanting to make it work with the father of your kids, but that doesn't mean he is the right partner for you. There are plenty of people out there that are not in a relationship with the person with whom they had children, and they figure it out.
But I think he's only going to want to have more control over your life the further along you go with this relationship. And that's not a good thing.
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Dedicated December 2017
Margarita · on December 18, 2017 at 1:26 PM
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There’s just so much wrong here.. why did you have a second child with him if you aren’t in love with him? Why did you guys even get engaged then? Well, that’s all in the past now. I don’t think you should marry him if you aren’t in love with him. Now, it’s normal to not always feel the love, but sounds like this is more serious than a temporary negative feeling about your relationship. I’m sorry you are going through this. You need to look within yourself for the answer, no one can answer this for you. Just remember that no relationship is perfect and you won’t find perfect even if you leave him. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide
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Just Said Yes September 2018
Mary · on December 18, 2017 at 1:28 PM
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I think you've already answered that question yourself. If you're not sure, don't do it. It won't get better or feel better after the wedding. If you feel trapped now, you will definitely feel trapped after getting married. It sounds like you got engaged for the wrong reasons and those reasons won't sustain a marriage. It's much easier to cancel a wedding than get a divorce. At the very least, I Would suggest you postpone the wedding until you can work through your feelings.
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Savvy October 2017
MrsJRod · on December 18, 2017 at 1:30 PM
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Op this doesn’t sound to me like a case of cold feet. These are red flags of what could be a mentally abusive relationship. If you are unsure of your love for him pump the brakes and stop. Evaluate what is most important, being with someone you don’t love for your children or loving yourself and being a co Parent.
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Devoted August 2018
LoveAlwaysWin · on December 18, 2017 at 1:57 PM
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Getting married you have to be 100% sure and you don’t seem 100% sure. In this case do not make it harder for yourself just END it.
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Savvy June 2019
Rachel · on December 18, 2017 at 1:57 PM
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Do not send out invitations for a wedding you are doubtful about! Do not send the invites out, cancel the wedding, and work this mess out. It may end with you guys breaking it off completely, it may end in couples counseling, or another route, but at least you are not stuck with a wedding you are not sure about.
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Devoted November 2017
Trish · on December 18, 2017 at 2:19 PM
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It sounds as if you've already made up your mind. I also wonder how young you both are- it seems like he has some trust issues, and you seem to be experiencing "growing pains" (wanting to grow up and begin a new chapter). If you're not on the same page and you're not feeling in love and you haven't sent the invites yet....maybe a wedding isn't what you want at this point. That is ok too! I was first engaged at 19 and then when I was 21 I called it off. I recognized that I wasn't ready and that I wanted to experience life. He wanted me to stay in NY where he already had a job, even though my job prospects in that part of NY weren't going to be very good. I realized that we weren't getting married to be married, we were getting married for the wedding.
Good luck to you!
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Super October 2018
Chelsealeigh218 · on December 18, 2017 at 2:19 PM
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I agree it seems like you've already decided what you want to do here, it wouldn't hurt to talk to a friend/family member/therapist though!
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Super September 2018
Kristen328 · on December 18, 2017 at 2:45 PM
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Marrying him won't change your situation or make it better. Please talk to a therapist. Best of luck to you
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Savvy December 2017
12.2 · on December 18, 2017 at 2:52 PM
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It seems like you already answered your question, best of luck to you!
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Expert June 2018
Aly · on December 18, 2017 at 2:57 PM
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You seem to know the answer. If you don't feel like this is 10000% the right move, do not get married. It might be best to cancel the wedding for now while you work through some of these issues.
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VIP January 2018
KatieMBY · on December 18, 2017 at 5:25 PM
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You answered your own question when you said you’re not in love with him, so I’d say there ya have it. Just because you have children together doesn’t mean you should force it to work.
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Savvy January 2019
Trevor · on December 18, 2017 at 5:27 PM
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You definitely need to put the wedding on hold, at least for a while, if this is how you are feeling. It'll only get worse after you get married.

I never thought I would get married as I always wanted to feel "free". Then I found FH, and we are "free" together.
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Super December 2017
Jeanmarie · on December 18, 2017 at 6:38 PM
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This does not sound like a healthy relationship. It is much easier to call off a wedding that is two months away than to deal with divorce later on.
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Super October 2018
Erin · on December 18, 2017 at 6:56 PM
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Please do not just continue on and look back wishing you had waited. You can always push off the wedding until there is no doubt in your mind that this is what you want to do.
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VIP April 2018
Mrs.hays · on December 18, 2017 at 7:02 PM
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To me, it sounds like the end. His freak out would be a sign of major trust issues for me.
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Super November 2017
TheWrightGirl · on December 18, 2017 at 7:03 PM
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I agree with pp about you answering your own question already. If you feel like you can't be free and even more, him not trusting or wanting you to have time away from home the it won't work in marriage. There are going to be disagreements and road blocks and you need to have the motivation to want to work it out. I hope you make the right decision for yourself and that it all works out.
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VIP June 2018
amandaaok · on December 18, 2017 at 7:04 PM
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View Quoted Comment
Totally agree
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Champion August 2017
Mrsbdg · on December 18, 2017 at 7:04 PM
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I agree with all of the PP. This does not sound like cold feet.
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Super July 2018
FutureMrsM · on December 18, 2017 at 7:18 PM
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Your wedding is two months away and no invites have been sent. You don't want to get married.

I will say this. FH & I went from being around each other 24/7 to not 24/7. The adjustment was intense. When one was gone for more than 30mins, yes, the other was calling. It wasn't because we were controlling each other but because it's weird to go from constant company to being apart. When we first got together neither one of us really had our own set of friends. Then that changed and it felt like we were neglecting each other. It's ok to have an outside life but honestly, have you been neglecting him? I'm not saying to force things to work out but you need to really talk to each other.
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