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Jessica
Beginner June 2020

Co Ed wedding shower/i do bbq, after our destination wedding

Jessica, on February 6, 2020 at 5:42 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27
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I am having a destination wedding in a few months and it’s only going to be maybe 15 people attending. We invited 90 to the wedding and the “co Ed wedding shower I do bbq” that we want to have. So I am not having a normal bridal shower BEFORE the wedding because I didn’t want one while having a destination wedding. Now that I see my guest list is only a small intimate number attending we want to have a reception like party when we come home. Is it ok then to have a co Ed wedding shower/ I do bbq in a backyard AFTER our wedding to celebrate with all the rest of our family and friends? We’re sending out a card in the invite that says we aren’t registered anywhere we just want money for a future honeymoon and the guests to be there (at our party). Just wanted some opinions because we’ve heard good things about doing that!

27 Comments

Latest activity by Sarah, on February 6, 2020 at 2:46 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
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    1. I would just call it an “I do BBBQ”. Calling it a shower means gifts are expected.
    2. I wouldn’t put anything about not being registered or wanting money on the invite. If people want to get you something they’ll either ask if you’re registered or they’ll put money/checks/gift cards in a card for you.
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Thanks!
    Yea but we are expecting gifts cause I am not having any party beforehand. We are already putting I do bbq co Ed wedding shower on the invites. We want gifts Just after the wedding since I’m not having a normal bridal shower and we can celebrate with all the guests not attending
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
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    It’s tacky to host a party for yourself and say “I expect you to bring me a gift”. The reason showers are ok before the wedding is because they’re hosted by people other than the couple and they’re to celebrate the couple’s upcoming marriage and really came about to help couples begin their life together with things for the home.
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Yea that’s the thing we have zero help. No one can help afford the wedding in our families nor would we even ask for help and there is no bridal party. Everything is being done with my fiancé and I and we are hosting everything. Definitely not tacky it has to get done one way or another though! Out guests who can’t make the destination wedding have already said they will for sure be at a shower whether it’s before or after with gifts!
  • Elisheba
    Beginner July 2021
    Elisheba ·
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    I like this idea! I was thinking of doing a CoEd shower also since we can’t invite everyone to the wedding.
    So ,the shower and I do bbq is a definite yes for me! You have my vote☺️
  • Elisheba
    Beginner July 2021
    Elisheba ·
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    Ahhh ,I see I see. I wish I could help.
    In that case just have the set up the day before, as you said. And if you can , the morning of the wedding.
  • Sarah
    Devoted November 2021
    Sarah ·
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    I agree with PP. I feel like calling it a wedding shower is a little bit tacky. The implication of asking people to bring you a gift after you got married might strike a wrong cord with a few people. I think if you just call it the I do BBQ, or call it a barbecue reception you'll still get the same amount of gifts. People often times bring gifts to receptions, and I'm sure everyone will get the idea without having to be told to bring a gift in the name lol
  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    I agree with PP... drop the “co Ed shower” part.
    1. Showers happen BEFORE the wedding. So, this is not a shower. 2. That is an absurdly long name for a barbecue
    I also agree that it is extremely tacky to host an event whose sole purpose is for you to receive gifts! I would be incredibly insulted if I received an “invitation to bring a gift” to someone whose wedding I wasn’t even invited to... and even instructed on what kind of gift to bring!! This is classless and gift grabby. If you want to celebrate your marriage with family & friends that weren’t able to go to the wedding, that’s great! But receiving money should not be expected, and certainly not asked for.
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    This statement is just so ick to me. No one should "expect" gifts. You're basically telling people they werent invited to the wedding but they should still give you money. Not cute.
  • Jodie
    Dedicated April 2021
    Jodie ·
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    I see no problem with you having a post wedding party of some sort but I think where the problem is your reasoning for having it. It’s one thing to want to get together with everyone and celebrate but the way your post comes across is “we are having this party so you bring us money.” Of course you’ll get gifts by having a reception but I don’t think I gifts should ever really be expected
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Woah wait when did I say they weren’t invited to the wedding?!?!? ALLLLLLLLL my guests were invited to BOTH so that means I SHOULD expect gifts from everyone! Showers are for gifts and since I’m not having one before hand I def deserve one after with gifts then. All my guests that I talked to about it thought it was a it’s and great idea! So no thanks to you
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    I’m having no shower beforehand so I deserve one after. Every girl wants gifts at a shower so I’m allowed to want one after the wedding and to receive gifts there as well. Every wedding couple wants gifts that’s the whole point to have a shower is gift grabby. Just cause I want it after the wedding is no different. It’s not like I’m having 2 showers.
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Chrysta I’m not having anything BEFORE the wedding it will be AFTER is for the destination REASON. And it’s gonna be called a co Ed wedding shower/I do bbq. I love the name whether it’s long or not. And secondly are you always insulted when invited to a bridal shower?!! Because those are always expected to bring gifts lol. Money is never asked for its implied on cards that state if you want to buy a gift it’s your choice but we have no registry so money is what we’re asking for but we want the guest there even if they don’t give a gift! Our insert in the invitation will state presents aren’t the reason we want them there and it’s not needed. Thanks...
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Sarah i def won’t be adding about a gift in the name! It’ll just be a co Ed wedding shower after the fact! So
    People know it’s a late shower . I informed my guests already about a shower with guys and girls because of destination.
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Thank you elisheba!! I did invite all 90 people to my wedding that I am inviting to the weddig. Shower/bbq so everyone gets a chance to celebrate with us but not all my guests can afford destination sadly. But thank you and I hope you do have a wedding shower they seem a lot better then just bridal!! Best wishes : )
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Sarah we have no one hosting for us it is all on us. And we have lived together for years already and we have a home and everything a home needs so we will be stating we are having an after wedding shower and want to celebrate with family and no normal bridal shower gifts we want money instead. We will have a “cash registry” it’s called instead of a normal registry.
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    No one "deserves" gifts. I'm shocked you're inviting 90 people and only 15 are coming and that you know this so early in advance... have you sent out invites already?
  • Jessica
    Beginner June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    That’s pretty crappy to say no one deserves gifts! Every bride deserves gifts at a shower whether it be before or after the wedding. I invited 90 but the main people that are going is my main family I see and talk to every single week. The rest that aren’t going are all distant that see me on holidays and I don’t expect to see them at my wedding far away. But if people don’t know by 3 months before the wedding if they aren’t going then they know for sure they won’t be attending. I need a final count by middle of next month for my wedding hotel room block and destinations take a lot more preparation for then local ones. RSVPs are due by beginning of March and that gives them 2 and a half months till the wedding. Destination weddings are a lot more work planning wise then local. Guests need flights and hotels pAid for ahead of time. Gotta give a heads up well in advance!
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Whoa. You are very focused on gifts. This will be terribly off-putting to a large amount of your invited guests. People know that gifts are "expected" at weddings (expected because it's a custom not because anyone should actually expect or feel they deserve gifts) and therefore they bring/send them without being told.


    I think you need to shift your WHOLE focus to planning for your wedding and your marriage, and just leave whether or nor someone gives you a gift up to chance. If your loved ones want to honor you with a gift, don't worry; nothing will stop them from bringing or sending a gift. But as soon as you place expectations through party names and messages on invitations, you are going to turn a lot of people off.

  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    I had a DW and invited 100 and 80 came. We sent our invites 9 weeks before the wedding with the rsvps date 3.5 weeks before. Ice never heard of rsvping so early for a DW.


    And I stand by that no one deserves gifts, that's not why you invite people to a wedding.

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