L
Savvy September 2019

Choosing bridesmaids is Hard.

Lexi, on June 4, 2018 at 10:59 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 20
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Hi everyone! I just got engaged last week and this is my first time posting so bear with me!

Originally, I only wanted 3 BMs with 1 MOH, but now I think I need to up the count to 5 total because I simply cannot eliminate so many options. I'll give you a rundown and maybe you can help me narrow it down.

I knew my MOH right away, as well as one of my good friends in college and one cousin would be BMs. So this means I have 2 spots left to fill but 3 girls as possible BMs.


Contestants:C, K, and A

C was my best friend in high school and we stayed good friends until the end of jr year of college. (For reference, I have been graduated from college for one year). We haven't talked a ton recently but she was there to take the proposal pictures and has been a great friend when we were close. She will have a 9 month old baby at time of wedding so I'm not sure if it would be too difficult for her anyway. Also, I'm not sure of her financial situation and I really hate to be that bride, but I cannot afford to buy everyone's dresses and shoes.

K is my cousin and therefore my oldest friend. We have had some rough patches but we are family and I love her. She was engaged and didnt ask me to be in the party but I'm not sure how much planning she did so it's up in the air. She is a lot of fun and definitely a great hype man but she is not as weird as the rest of us and I don't want her to feel she doesn't fit in. We don't hang out often but when we do, we have a lot of fun!

A is unique and difficult. My fiance's best friend just got engaged to A last month. She is a super sweet girl and we will probably become great friends in the future due to our fiances' relationship. This is all great and wonderful except we have hung out as a group probably 4 times and I've never spent time alone with her. Despite this, she asked me to be one of her BMs so I feel obligated to do the same. We have a lot in common but this friendship is so new I'm not sure what to think- I've only known her for 2 or 3 months. She's nice and she asked me but it still seems too new a friendship for something this important. I dont want to hurt her feelings or make her feel I dont have similar affections for her as she does me.
So I have 3 great girls here but I'm not sure who to include. I really don't want to bump the count to 6 because it just seems like too many for my style and type of wedding.

Any advice on how to narrow this down? Thank you in advance!

20 Comments

Latest activity by Lisa, on June 5, 2018 at 4:03 PM
  • Emilie
    Super April 2019
    Emilie ·
    • Flag
    I had an issue with choosing as well! FH was dead set on his GM.. and 3 of the 4 have wives so I just decided to include them so that all wedding festivities were done with all of us couples. So I had only 1 spot to fill, and had to chose between 2. The only reason I didnt chose both is because our ceremony spot is on a deck over a lake and space for the wedding party is limited.
    • Reply
  • Jay
    Expert September 2013
    Jay ·
    • Flag

    Hi Laura,

    Congrats on your engagement!!

    Use this WeddingWire article to narrow down your choices: A Legit Maid of Honor Job Posting: Do you make the cut?

    Everyone is different, but having a 9 mo. old makes being in a wedding party hard financially and logistically. Being sensitive to that does not make you wrong for letting "C" just be a guest. You can always honor her in another way- perhaps a toast to her at the engagement party or even at the wedding!


    • Reply
  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·
    • Flag

    You have fifteen months until your wedding. This decision doesn't have to be made yet. Wait a few months and see if the relationship with any of the three changes. BTW, as written I wouldn't ask K or A. If you ask C, let the decision whether she can afford to participate in the wedding up to her.

    • Reply
  • Sara P.
    VIP October 2018
    Sara P. ·
    • Flag
    Why are you trying to have more than the three you originally planned? Keep it at that. Then if anyone gets offended that you didn't ask them to be in your wedding, you give the truth.."I am having a smaller wedding party." Side not here, your wedding isn't a beauty pageant, your friends are not contestants.
    • Reply
  • MrsBlah
    Devoted September 2016
    MrsBlah ·
    • Flag
    I would just pick C. Definitely not A, you guys don't even know each other. I don't know why she asked you to be in her bridal party but you don't have to reciprocate.
    • Reply
  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    Take some time to think about your decision. I promise you time will tell who the right people to ask are. It's STRONGLY recommended to wait until as close to a year away from the wedding as possible to pick your bridal party because friendships change. The best thing to do is to spend some time with C, K and A this summer and "analyze" your friendships. In the next 2-3 months, maybe you'll start spending more time with A and realize you guys are so similar and you imagine her being a friend for life, maybe you will decide you don't feel close to her at all. Maybe you'll find that you and C are super different now and don't feel close or maybe you'll hang out with her and it'll be like you're best friends back in highschool again!

    I took a few months to truly think and spend more time with the girls I was considering asking instead of just jumping the gun and it worked out so well! I have an awesome bridal party with girls I can imagine being in my life forever!

    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    Pause on this for a bit. Spend the next few months feeling out how the relationships develop. Just give it sone time. Your mind may change about what you want anyway. At the onset, an even bridal party was important to me, but, into planning, my perspective changed. My relationships with the girls i was considering didn’t change, but my priorities did. I realized I didn’t want an even BP, I wanted a CLOSE and comfortable BP, only the people with me that I could not possibly imagine my day without.

    the other two bits of advice are: bridal parties are not tit for tat. You should never include someone just because you were in theirs— this tends to be one of the bigger sources of tension I’ve seen. If you’re on the fence, you’re likely to end up regretting it.
    And— asking someone to be in your wedding party is not a binding commitment. They can say no. Let them do so instead of presuming they won’t be able to and not asking them just because. If you’re concerned about the one having the baby, talk to her about it. “I’d love for you to be up there with me, but if you think it’s too much with the new baby, that’s totally fine. I won’t be offended by it and hope you’ll be able to make it as a guest”
    • Reply
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    • Flag
    Contestants?

    Choose your nearest and dearest, those who you go to first with good and bad news, those who you just can't imagine not being at your side on your wedding day
    • Reply
  • L
    Savvy September 2019
    Lexi ·
    • Flag
    To those mentioning the word "contestants," I assure you that was a mistake. I am using my cell phone at work and was typing quickly so I assume it autocorrected a sloppy "canditates" to contestants. I love these girls and I would never pretend this was a beauty pageant. This decision is important to me and I am already stressing myself out about it. Negative attention on a word with similar acceptable synonyms (candidates, choices, possible BMs) but with a negative connotation isn't helping my stress levels.

    Thank you everyone for the helpful advice!
    • Reply
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Candidates isn't any better
    • Reply
  • M
    Dedicated November 2014
    Mandy ·
    • Flag

    Here's how I suggest choosing a bridal party:

    1. Talk to FH and align that your bridal party has nothing to do with gender, numbers, or budget (because it should be more important that someone stand with you that day in a dress/pants they already own than silly matching pictures) .

    2. Think about who you go to first with good news, or bad news...or I've also heard it put as "who would you call at 3am if you had to bury a body?" LOL.

    3. Ask those people to be in your wedding party. Be VERY explicit that you're not a total jerk bridezilla and you're not going to require ANYTHING of them other than showing up on that day in agreed upon attire (which is well within their budget, even if their budget is $0).

    • Reply
  • L
    Savvy September 2019
    Lexi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    You are arguing about a single word. Please stop.
    • Reply
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    It's the attitude you are expressing, look at your relationships for what they are, friends and family. Don't look at them as potential people to fill a spot. Look at them as people. If one or all or none of them are people you'd like to honor the relationship at your wedding then do so
    • Reply
  • BB-H
    VIP September 2018
    BB-H ·
    • Flag

    Congratulations on your engagement

    So, here's the deal.

    Don't worry about this until around 6-8 months out. Relationships change so much and you don't want to be dealing with that.

    None of these women should be candidates or contestants or whatever. They are people who are close to you. Having them stand with you is a way of honoring their relationship with you.

    Do not add people to even the sides and do not add people out of obligation. Pick those who are near to you and leave it at that. If there is someone you can't imagine celebrating your day without, then they are a person who should be asked. And regarding budget, you should discuss dress budgets with your BM before you go dress shopping. That way you don't have to worry about paying for anyone's dress. If you take budget into consideration, you don't have to worry about picking your BP based on whether or not you might have to pay for their dress.

    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    Can you not just ask all 3? If your fiance has less groomsmen, it's not a big deal. No one notices, especially if it's off by 1 or 2 people Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • MrsJackson
    Super October 2018
    MrsJackson ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree with her.
    Also, I didn't take any offence to either candidate or contestant. You are trying to figure out who you want in your bridal party.
    Trust me, I've gotten bashed on a forum here before and it just adds to the stress of whatever issue you have going on.
    Focus on the people trying to help the issue at hand.

    • Reply
  • Allyson
    Devoted March 2019
    Allyson ·
    • Flag
    Congrats on your engagement!! Such an exciting time. Everyone on here says to wait and that your relationships may change. In my case, I'm 30 and have been friends with all of my BMs for 6-26 years. Nothing is going to break the bonds we have at this point, so we asked very early on, probably 13 months out. You, however, are younger and in a more volatile/ever-changing time in your life. I might agree with them and say wait a few more months and see how your relationships evolve or devolve with these "contestants." It also will give you time to see where these "contestants" are in their personal lives as well. I chose to ask one friend over another because I had a distinct feeling that the one I didn't ask was going to get pregnant (I'm not AT ALL saying I wouldn't want her in my party because she's pregnant, but more concerned with putting extra responsibility both financially and time wise on her plate!) Turns out I was right, she's due 5 months before the wedding and was concerned about a wedding that she had agreed to be in before she found out. In that moment I told her that was the only reason I didn't ask her, and she was legitimately thankful.
    • Reply
  • Amoreena
    Dedicated March 2019
    Amoreena ·
    • Flag
    I got engaged last month and had a hard time choosing my BMs but my FH was so helpful. I wanted to ask his sister but I felt obligated to cause she’s the sister but my FH said to choose the ones who have been there for you and have been supportive and are close friends who will want to do this with you
    • Reply
  • Malei
    Super October 2018
    Malei ·
    • Flag

    Definitely heed the advice to wait. I got engaged a year and a half before our date. I automatically knew who my MOH was so that wasn't even a question. And although it's not mandatory to match, life seemed easier for me to match the number of groomsmen... and FH said seven. SEVEN?! I definitely had people in mind that would've made a perfect amount but I took the advice on here and waited. And I'm SO GLAD I did. One of my closest friends ended up getting another job and now we barely talk. We didn't have a falling out, I just never realized how flaky she could be since I don't see her as much. Someone else I would have selected ended up moving away and it would've been difficult for her to make it back here to Hawaii for the wedding.

    I ended up not caring about the number and just wanted people who I knew would be there for me. So not until about 6 months before the wedding did I ask. I had 5 total. Four now because my cousin in Australia just found out she was pregnant and won't be able to fly in her last trimester. Point is, as much as it makes sense now that they would be there for you by next September, just wait to ask.

    ALSO don't ask someone to be in your wedding party just because they asked you to be in theirs. Feeling obligated should never be a good enough reason.

    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Devoted October 2018
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    Contestants?? I mean..really? Your getting married, not going on a game show. Lol just pick the original 3 and leave it at that.
    • Reply

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