Children, and out of town guests

Either invite all the kids or none. You can get away with some limitations (no kids under X age, only the kids who are in the wedding) but people might not like the idea that you picked and chose whose kids you like best and it will be very obvious that you did this.

There is no rule saying you have to invite the children of out of town guests. It might be harder for them to travel and it might mean they decline, but that's a risk you have to take.

I have out of town family with small children, and we are having no kids under the age of 13. It works better for them, because then they won't have to leave early, drive all night, and be exhausted the next day.

Also, having no kids allowed us more room for adult guests, and lowered our food budget.

It's either all or none. The only children in my wedding are the 4 kids in my wedding party. I have out of town guests with small children as well and I'm not inviting their kids. I'm prepared for them to decline or I know at least one of them is leaving her husband at home to watch the baby.

No one under 21 was invited to our wedding, except for 1 bridesmaid. That's the legal drinking age, in our area, so is very common, in both our families.

We didn't invite 8 of our first cousins, who were all 18 and under. That included two of my cousins I've only seen a few times in my life. They would have been the only out of town/family guests, who would have been the exception, under your assumption. (And no, it's not required etiquette). There was no way we would have invited virtual strangers and not invite my husband's cousins, who we see all the time, so none were invited.

Only 2 of 250 invited guests didn't RSVP - my out of town uncle/aunt. They boycotted because their kids weren't invited. (And they had a nanny - maybe still do?). We had a fabulous time without them.

It's all or none unless they're in your wedding party so pick your favorite kids wisely lol

Everyone on our guest list is out of town but we're not having anyone under 21 except for the wedding party. Kids are usually all or nothing, though there is some debate about it. Definitely don't break up any families with age limits (we were originally going to have 18 and over but this caused some issues among my family and so we made it 21 and over to avoid separating siblings).

Our back door is asking the kids we want there to be in the wedding. I think it will be cute to have little mini attendants, and it saves us the raised eyebrows of inviting his nieces and nephews and not his cousins kids. Ironically, some of the parents have asked if we would be offended if their kids WEREN'T there because they want a grown up afternoon. So, they will come for the ceremony, and someone will pick them up before the reception. And, although you probably don't have this situation, my 14 year old is allowed to have her own guest list. FH said our wedding day is as much about our becoming a family as he and I getting married, so she should be allowed to have as many celebrants as she wants to be comfortable (I think her guest list totals 3).

It is NOT all or nothing. Kids are just like any other category of guests - you don't have to invite all your neighbors, all your coworkers, all your church family, or all your cousins. Same goes for kids.

Now, the problem comes with entitled parents. When last DD got married some kids were invited some were not. Her coworker with the 5 kids DD had never met? Those kids were not invited. I personally lost no sleep over that because we weren't using up an entire table and 7 slots on the guest list for kids she didn't even know.

Invite based on the relationship you have with those kids. Parents will get over it.

Nothing wrong with that, you just need to have broad shoulders.

I feel like you have to invite all the kids or none - especially when it comes to family members.

I mean, You can't very well tell one family that its an adult only reception. How else do you get the "not your kids" message across? Are you willing to tell them that kids will be present but their kids aren't welcome when they ask about it?

It is definitely none or all...you cannot pick and chose whose children you want to attend.

We decided that the only kids that are being invited are my niece, first cousins, and a group of my second cousins who are essentially like my first cousins (one of whom is in the wedding). We are not inviting kids of any co workers or friends.

I don't think it's all or none, but I do think it has to be a very clear line. Just like with your regular guests, you can invite children in circles. For example you can have the only kids be your kids and your nieces and nephews. What you can't do is pick and choose randomly and let first cousin X come, but not first cousin Y and have your reasoning be that Y is rambunctious.

Children are not all or nothing....

Madamenoire

Don’t feel as though having kids at your wedding opens it up to everyone under 13. Although it may seem tough to exclude, it’s perfectly fine only to invite children who are part of your or your fiance’s family — or those of close family friends. Just because you want your niece at your wedding doesn’t mean you must have everyone else’s niece. If you let yourself get caught up in the drama of “Why wasn’t my child invited?!” you’re going to find yourself in a big (and expensive) mess, with every child of every random guest coming out of the woodwork looking for an invitation. Stand strong, and tell people you’re sorry you can’t include everyone — that you’re trying to limit the guest list.

Martha Stewart

Will It Look Bad if You Invite Some Children and Not Others?

Opinions vary, so it's best to choose a clear rule and stick to it. Kaforey suggests drawing the line at immediate family, since most children who have wedding duties are close relatives, such as a niece or stepchild (but even these children don't necessarily need to stay for the reception).

"If there are just a few children from different families, an age cut-off can work because these older kids are more likely to behave," says Becker, adding that children's manners are as important as their numbers. "But the more youngsters you have, the more their behavior will change. If you're inviting 150 guests, and you have only two little girls that are 10 and 6, it's darling," she says. "But if you have 20 children that are 10 and older, you could end up with a playing field -- and that might not be ideal."

I am a 47 year old woman having her first wedding. I want my wedding to be very small (60) and have chosen a small venue that isn’t really “kid” friendly. We are only planning on inviting my fiance’s children and my brother’s son. My stepsister has already complained to my father that it is “not appropriate that I invite my brother’s child but not her children” I am very close to my brother’s child but have only seen her and her children 3 times in the last five years. How do I handle this?

Thank you!

Jay Remer, The Etiquette Guy

Congratulations on your impending nuptials! It’s never too late! As to your dilemma, your step-sister has stepped out of bounds. You have your reasons for assembling your guest list as you see fit. This is your prerogative. For your SS to go to your father is preposterous! You have every right to choose your guests. I hope your father knows enough to reiterate this point with your SS. Do not pander to her bullying techniques. Move ahead and if you wish to explain to your SS why you have made your choice, that’s fine; but it is certainly not necessary. It’s your wedding, not hers!!

Jodi R R Smith, The Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

I agree with Jay, inviting children to an adult reception requires care and careful thought. You should be flattered that your step-sister wants her children to spend more time with you. Unfortunately, your wedding is not the right time or place. Instead of running to your father as the go-between, be the bigger person and call your step-sister directly.

Now, here is the key to this delicate conversation. Your mantra is “the guest list is small and we had to make some difficult choices…we are so sorry we are not able to include your children, but we do hope you will be able to attend.” Notice that you are not discussing the other children who are invited and you are not discussing why the other were included and hers were not. No matter what she says, you must remain calm and polite. Be empathetic “yes, I understand why you feel that way…” Then revert back to “the guest list is small and we had to make some difficult choices…we are so sorry we are not able to include your children, but we do hope you will be able to attend.” Once she realizes you are not giving her any additional information and not arguing with her, move the conversation along. Ask how the children are doing and/or a time when you will see them.

While it might not be fair, people do get upset when you pick and choose. If you plan to have some kids and not all usually the only way to do that without ending up with irritated guests is to either limit it to only immediate family (like siblings and nieces/nephews) or those in the wedding party or those above a certain age (common ages to set as limits that I have seen are 5, 12, 16, and 18).