Changing my name and Parents mad

Sigh.....I've had many, many brides with two last names but honestly, if no one ever changed their last name, everyone would have eight of them... They really are being a little irrational (you probably don't want to bring that up though...) but in some social groups, the plethora of last names is as common and traditional as changing it. Traditions die hard....

In the final analysis though, it's your choice to make, and they have to make peace with it. I'd also stop discussing it. It's possible as they tell other people about your decision (which you know they will) they'll get feedback that will soften their disappointment.

How about, you're an adult and you can call yourself whatever you want? If that's Princess Unicorn Sparklepants, then so be it!

I feel like I'll be in a similar boat. Not only are my parents liberal, but even the most conservative folks from my culture keep their names after marriage. They're just going to have to get over it. I think names are powerful, which is why people feel so strongly about changing or keeping their name. No matter how long you've been an adult, marriage is often a mindfuck for parents and can view it as you no longer being their baby. Some parents really resist this which is one of the reasons there's drama and petty infantalization of adults during wedding planning. That's why this is the crucial moment to set boundaries. I understand you've had a rough go with your maiden name, but you don't have to give any explanation. You've already told them your plans, but if something similar happens, you're an adult and can always inform them of things that have already happened. You're an adult! I'm expecting some backlash to my name change but they'll find out when I start going by my new name.

@CLR Sorry if Hispanic naming customs have been giving you so much grief. I can tell you that most inconsistencies are due to other people's human error. We know what our name is. I work in the office of a school and I just adjust to different naming customs. Ethiopian children take their fathers first name as their last. You learn something new and adjust the file. It's their name!

@Bruna. I have two middle names and absolutely love it. It makes things so much easier than having two first names. I you moved your second first name to a middle name then you wouldn't be losing any of the names

I've found when filing out paperwork that there's more room for both my middle names than there would be if I had two first names.

This is just as frustrating to me as posts where the FH is demanding his fiancée change her name to his! I'm sorry your parents are trying to impress their desires on you, because it is not their place.

Your name is a crucial part of your identity, and yours alone. No one else gets an opinion. If you want to change your names, it's is absolutely your right to do so!

@A Bride has some really good ways to handle this subject with your family. I see you wrote that they feel like you're dishonoring them by changing your name, but really, they're dishonoring you as a person entitled to your own self-determination

You will always be your birth name, that is what is on you birth certificate, what you grew up with. They need to understand that and let you do what you want.

Sorry I took a long while to reply... I had my final exams and the past weeks were very stressful. Anyway, Thank you so much for everyone's advice! I appreciate it very much!!

@BBJSEA yes. I'm not sure if this is the only reason that there are no males to carry the last name or if they just expect me to keep both my family names. It is just me and my sister. And I think you're right. I'll have to respectfully come down to the point that "this is my final decision and we won't talk about it anymore" kinda conversation with them.

@Jessica what you said makes sense. It's possible that my parents think that my decision of removing my name is an action of "removing them from my life". Which is totally not true!! Even though they said the whole thing about carrying the family name, we never really emphasized that in my whole life. So that's why I was taken by surprise.

@SoontobeMrs.Terakawa she did change her name so she has 4 names. She actually added my dad's last name.

@Alecia haha! That would be interesting! Haha Well, they understand my decision of taking my husband's name...what they dont agree is my decision of taking both my family names out.

@ABride I love your advice!! Not having neither names would definitely not show favoritism. And I will set boundaries and ask them to respect my decision. I love the idea of warning them that if they keep bringing it up I will choose to not be around for that. I'm pretty sure that, physically leaving the place, will convey to them how they hurt my feelings when they did not respect my decision and my request to not bring it up again. Thank you!

@SandyYoga I know it will make it easier so I can't wait!

@CeliaMilton I haven't thought about it. Maybe when they vent to other people about my decision, people will actually talk to them and then they will finally listen. That would be great!

@JessieJV Haha! Love it!

@Maria you're so right!! I can see that it's been hard on them to see the date coming up and realizing I'm no longer a baby but a grown up. I know things will get harder as we approach the date...I just wasnt expecting this at all...

@MsDto2019 I understand your point, but even having 2 middle names I'll have four names - which I dont want at all. Many places you just initial your middle name. I never had problems with making room for both my first names. Still, I do want to make my second first name my middle name and my future husband's name my last.

@MrsSki(ToBe) I couldn't agree more with you. I never really thought about the last part. They've been talking about me dishonoring them but they are doing the same. I will definitely bring this up when I finally sit with them to place some boundaries.

@OGKathryn you're right! I'll mention that to my parents! My birth name will always be mine. Thanks!

Can you drop your second first name and your middle name?

First name, mom's last name(hyphen)dad's last name, FH's last name.

@NancyT, I love both my first names and what I want is to make my full name smaller. Keeping my mom's + dad's last name as my middle name will just keep it as long as before changing it.

I changed my name to my ex's with my first marriage, and dropped my maiden (birth) name. I've worked 40 years with this name. When Ex and I divorced, I could have taken back my maiden name, but I chose not to, due to wanting to have the same last name as my children. No one ever questioned it then, including my Ex and his family. My FH is totally fine with me keeping my current last name (my ex's!) especially for my final working years.

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