Can't make it to my best friend's wedding

I mean, you did say in your original post that your friend and her fiance were having financial issues at the time that they attended your wedding, but she somehow made it happen and was there for you without letting her problems get in the way, she seemed to have been a really great friend and bridesmaid to you when you needed and wanted her most, now I feel It's your turn.

Did you know that you were going to be a bridesmaid before you spent all that money and put yourself in debt? If you did, then that's really messed up to commit to being her bridesmaid and then spending all your money (plus extra you didn't have) on yourself, and then not saving for her day even though she clearly did that for you.

I think you should accept the offer of letting it get paid for and be there to support your friend unless there is another hidden reason why you don't want to attend.

Looking back on your decisions, 10 years down the road… What are you going to regret more? Going into a little bit more debt to be there for a friend, or not having that friend in your life at all? I would be super irritated if I were her as well, and she’s obviously trying to do everything she can to make sure that you are there. Because your friendship is more important than money, right? If it were me, I would ask her to help you pay for the flight, because you need to get that right away. And then save every penny you can for the rest of it… I would probably go alone and leave the husband at home because that would save money as well. Yes, that would stink, but if she is truly your best friend, you should be willing to make some sacrifices for her, too. You knew when you said yes to being a bridesmaid what the costs were going to be, and you probably had similar cost for your wedding as well. I feel like if she was willing to do it for you, you need to be willing to do it for her, and figure it out. Between now and October is plenty of time to put extra money away and be a good friend to reciprocate her generosity.

I would politely decline and put whatever money I had towards my own debt. I'd also never accept money like that from a friend or anyone else.

View Quoted Comment If they wouldn't be friends if she doesn't stand up thenthey aren't really friends to begin with.

View Quoted Comment It’s not that they wouldn’t be friends if she didn’t stand up with her, it’s the fact that she made a promise and is now backing down on it, despite the friends effort to relieve the financial burden from the bridesmaid. It’s the fact that one of them made the financial sacrifices, and did it despite it being a burden, and now the OP doesn’t reciprocate. If somebody wants you at the wedding so badly that they are willing to pay all your expenses to get there, and you were turning it down because of your pride, it’s going to affect the friendship negatively for years. It’s not about the money it will cost, or whether she stands up or doesn’t stand up, it is what she is unintentionally saying… She is making her friend feel like their friendship isnt important, or valued, and that is the true issue.

When I agreed to be her bridesmaid I didn't know when her wedding would be. Our wedding was already set. And the debt I have has been there for years, it's just with health issues and unstable jobs it hasn't gotten better. We won't be able to save up enough for October. I work 3 part time jobs and my husband works two. So for those of you judging, back off please. She's known about my situation, but we were hoping to be more flush at this point. And giving ourselves this wedding is the one thing we've splurged on in years. We did it on our own, unlike my friend who's having it paid by her family. If my friend hadn't been able to make it because of money, we would have understood. Crap happens, no need to force people into uncomfortable situations. I've always been honest with her. Again crap happens. And being poor is no fun. I was raised not to accept money like this, there's strings attached usually and it is charity anyway. I've resolved to not go. If anything seeing these responses makes me understand more about the bridezilla mentality in the USA. For those of you who understand and didn't judge, thank you. Take care all!

View Quoted Comment It's the brides parents not the bride. At 41 I would not accept money from my parents unless a dire emergency and I'd never accept it from someone else's parents especially for a wedding. That bodes as highly irresponsible to me, honestly.

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"And being poor is no fun. I was raised not to accept money like this, there's strings attached usually and it is charity anyway."

This is a horrible mindset to have regarding the situation. Everyone needs help at some point and they are willing to HELP you. Did they attach strings to the deal? Doesn't sound like it, so get rid of that thought because that's rude to assume of someone helping. Did they make you feel like a charity case? Again, doesn't seem like that. It sounds like a friend that really wants and needs you there by her side and is willing to have her parents help you in order for you to be there for her. It's all a pride issue (you're putting your pride before your friendship).

“Make me understand more about the bridezilla mentality in the USA”—because we understand your friend is hurting over you not coming?

Do you, but if you were your friend in this situation coming to this forum, 80%+ of the responses would be “could you offer to pay so your friend can make it”

I would not go into debt for someone else's wedding, but the PPs have hit the nail on the head. Funny how I mentioned this on another thread and had all the hate thrown at me. She did it for you, and YOU knew what you were signing up for, it would devastate me if my friend told me, "yeah sorry, I can't be in your wedding, because I am SO broke. after ours" I feel like when people throw an optional party, that costs thousands of dollars, but can't save a little bit for their friend's special day, is a giant slap in the face. Take the offer, and just be sure to thank her parents at the reception, and send them a nice thank you card. She wants you there SO bad. Don't be too proud, we all need charity once in a while, and hopefully you can pay it forward and do something meaningful for someone else when you're in a better financial place. OP just do it. Would you have flown her in if you could have afforded it and she couldn't?

Could you possibly save for a budget but decent hotel and rent a car since yours isn’t working? I understand not wanting to go into more debt and you will need money for gas/food also..but October is a little ways away, I would still try to make it happen before just quitting right now. Especially, if she was just there for you. I hope you can work things out & your friendship stands regardless! She’s just hurt & disappointed right now.

Evelyne,

I understand where you are coming from from a financial standpoint and I understand that you do not want to accept the gift and only you know the relationship you have with the bride’s parents. I would feel very uncomfortable in this situation as well, but it is also not her fault that her parents are able to pay and that you had to pay for your own. I do think you have to be empathetic to how your friend will feel about this and understand it may put a strain on your relationship. Did she just pick a date recently? Maybe you can approach it in that you were under the impression that you would have more time to save and that you are so sorry it will not be possible. If she has known the date for a while and you are just now telling her understand her position and how hurt she must feel. I would be hurt/annoyed too. Either way, put some focus into how your friend is feeling and be there for her in ways that you can. Can you plan some time to visit her after the wedding and do a girls day? Maybe you can buy her a really nice bottle of wine for the wedding and surprise her? There are ways for you to be involved even if you cannot be there, but understand that she has the right to hurt feelings.

View Quoted Comment Hi,
Thanks for your input. Absolutely, I understand it's disappointing as hell and I'm grieved that in the cause of her pain. I told her when I informed her I couldn't make it after all, that I would support her in any way possible, even if I'm not physically there. My plan was to save up once I have my full time job soon , and then next year, come up and celebrate with her. I will reiterate this again when she's in a better place emotionally. When I said yes originally to being a bridesmaid, I didn't know the date, and I rift we'd be more flush. But health problems and changes in income that were unexpected really put a strain on our wallet this year. It's nobody's fault. Not blaming anybody. I'm just a little angry that some people in this forum are assuming we're not trying hard enough, that we are selfish, etc etc . It's a highly uncomfortable situation, and honestly accepting money like that triggers my anxiety terribly. So, thanks for your advice. I'll do my best to be supportive to my friend.

I think there is a handful of people that offer to pay their bridesmaids expenses, I'd probably take the offer since she really wants you there.

Given my sister, who is supposed to be my best friends, isn't coming to my wedding my advice would be from your friends perspective. If you don't go, prepare for it to be a deal breaker and for her to cut you out of her life. If you're fine with that, do what's best for you. If you aren't, suck it up, accept the offer her parents are giving you, or figure out your own way to get there (even if it's solo without your husband). Wasn't your wedding the best day of your life? Do you want her to think the best day of her life isn't complete because you opted out due to pride?

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Asshole comment. Not everyones financial difficulties look the same. Sometimes, if its really going to hurt you, it's not worth it. A good friend would understand.

View Quoted Comment

Asshole comment. Not everyones financial difficulties look the same. Sometimes, if its really going to hurt you, it's not worth it. A good friend would understand.

Honestly, I would move heaven and Earth to be at my best friend’s wedding. She was your MOH. October is 7 months away. Pick up a bartending gig once a week, sell old clothes on Poshmark, sell plasma. I would be absolutely heartbroken if I were your best friend.