Butting Heads

We sorta had the same issue but not as bad. My FH has four nieces and I have one niece. I have one nephew and he has none. To make it fair my nephew is the ring bearer, and we opted out of flower girls altogether. Honestly, if it’s causing this much of drama with your family I would just consider not having any at all if I were you. It is your day, and I hate your mom is putting you in that position. And in two years, the Flower
Girls may not want to participate at all. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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That is an option for us as well. I'm not getting a flower basket or petals if we do have a fg, just because I find it pointless to have petals thrown on the ground that will have to be collected later. Instead, I'm wanting a calligraphy sign with a wooden dowel to be carried by the fg and rb. I just hope she drops the subject because my FH is very adamant about only one per family.

I'm not sure why your mom is even part of this decision. This would make me not want to include any flower girls or ring bearers at all. Do yourself a favor and don't include your mother in your wedding planning.

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She wasn't part of it at all. She just flipped when we told her our 1 child per family rule. She's been fine with everything else, it's just this that she's so stuck on.

It's great that you and your FH are aligned, so that is definitely how you should move forward! It is bizarre that your mom is choosing this as her hill to die on, and that she'd use money to get her way on wedding day (as many parents unfortunately do). "Dear Mom, Thank you for your thoughts; however, we have made our decision and will no longer be discussing the topic."

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Ultimately that's what I said to her haha! She tried bringing it up again and we both flat out said: "our decision has been made and we aren't changing it, so let's move forward"

Yes, I decided to opt out of having children in the wedding. This may seem odd but still to this day, I felt jaded and unimportant when on more than one occasion, all my siblings abd cousins were asked to be a flower girl or ring b in weddings and I was left out. I think its very unfair and similar to buying presents for 3 out of 4 siblings while the 4th sibling just sits and watches the other three opening gifts. I could never choose between our little cousins and nieces/nephews.

...And what is she going to do if another baby appears in the family by then?

I'd just skip the whole thing, honestly.

But, yeah, this is your decision, and "no" is a complete sentence.

I went though the same thing we getting married next year September my daughter will be 7 she only fg I’m having and my fh his mom wanna add another flower girl I’m like I’m not adding no more ppl to wedding so we was all out and she was like why y’all can’t add another fg I point to my fh he told her no and that’s it she had to hear it from him it was like me telling her she wasn’t understanding lol

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I agree with this advice. I can't imagine having to choose between two siblings in the same family, and little kids don't understand these types of things, even if the 'rule' is going with the youngest. If I were in your shoes, I would simply not have flower girls or ring bearers at all.

View Quoted Comment I have to agree with this. My advice is to be careful choosing between the nieces and nephews (unsure if all 3 kids are siblings, cousins, or a 1 & 2 mix.) If there are siblings and you choose between them, a child's feelings will be hurt and they will feel left out. If none of the kids are siblings, the parents of the unchosen children could get very offended. Your FH knows his siblings best, though. If he seems comfortable with only 1 then he must not think it'll create issues (though the idea maybe never occured to him, could be with double checking?)


If I were you I'd probably skip it all together to avoid drama but that's me- it's 100% you and your FHs choice!

Have any one or no one, as you please. But consider having a ring of young children bring out the smaller groom's cake and present it to you, at dessert time, at the reception. A cute parental photo op, not in the midst of your ceremony.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. My FH's family is very laid back and don't get their feelings hurt easily, so we know it won't be an issue with them. His niece was a flower girl for two of the brother's weddings, so not having her as ours won't cause any drama within the family. Same way with the boys. It's really just my mom and her family making a big issue because in their culture everyone in the family has a role in the wedding. We're just different people and want a simplistic wedding with little fuss.

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Neat idea, but we will probably not go that route. All of the kids will be in pictures anyway because they're all family. We're just not the kind of couple that needs to have a big presentation for everything. But thank you for the idea!

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Well in our case, we won't be choosing between any siblings, just cousins. I will say that they aren't too young to where they won't understand lol. If we didn't have any at all, my mom and her family would be even more upset, we're just going to stick with our youngest from each family. If feelings get hurt, then they get hurt as mean as that sounds. We know the kids and his family will be fine. It's just my mom that throws a fit when she doesn't get her way.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

View Quoted Comment My first comment somehow didn't go through, but I just wanted to say that's good to hear! Weddings can be stressful because of the "social politics" that come up! Hopefully your mom drops the subject or you can avoid it around her? 🙈🤞🏻😂 best of luck and happy planning!

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Yeah they can be! We haven't had any problems besides the things she brings up or gets upset over. Thank you!!

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That's good to hear that your FH's family is more laid back and won't take it personally. I know that if I were to do this in my family (choose only one cousin over the others), we would get ourselves into some serious trouble and cause a lot of hurt feelings, but everybody's family has a different dynamic and of course you know them best. Best of luck in your planning!

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They are awesome and understanding, and they also aren't sticklers when it comes to 'tradition', so that's a plus! My mother will come around eventually, just needs reminding that it isn't her day. Thank you!!

I would have all or none. I'm telling you this because something similar happened in my FH's family shortly after we started dating. 4 nieces were 'eligible' to be flower girls, and the bride and groom chose one niece only. This caused a giant rift in the family. The wedding in question was 4 years ago, and feelings are still hurt to this day. It took a full two years until some of the parents in question were on speaking terms again. I know you don't want to be overwhelmed with flower girls, but I would urge you to be careful. I don't see this as 'tradition' but as looking out for the feelings of young kids and the relationships of important family members.