Bringing Up Marriage to Parent! Help!

View Quoted Comment Honestly I’ve asked my boyfriend if he feels rushed at all with it and he said he doesn’t. I don’t really feel rushed, more excited for everything since a lot of my family knows and is on board with marriage. The only problem is I don’t know how to tell my dad, him and I don’t have the best relationship and I feel like he wouldn’t want to be involved if I just told him straight out, and I really do want him in my life. If there’s any way to ease a parent who you don’t have a good relationship with into talking about marriage, that’s about what I need.


I wouldn’t mind growing up in a marriage with my boyfriend, I know it’s going to be hard, but I feel like he’s worth it and I do believe he feels the same with me. We’ve been through some hard circumstances already (I know it’s nothing compared to marriage) and we constantly support each other and talk through all of our problems.
I also agree that it heavily deals with maturity! I believe my boyfriend and I are mature with our relationship and hold each other accountable for things that need to be done, and I know that when we’re married, maturity will be a big part of our everyday adult lives.
Thank you for your response!!

View Quoted Comment You're welcome. It sounds like you have put some thought into it and it's great that your boyfriend is supportive. I wish you all the best on whatever decision you make!

View Quoted Comment Of course! I absolutely agree! My boyfriend and I actually talk about things like that relatively often, which I think helps us both come to terms with everything that can/will happen in the future. I do believe he will be very committed, he’s expressed a lot of excitement (especially about wanting to do more dangerous things: Infantry<Airborne Infantry<Rangers) and I do want to support him in that. I believe that whatever he wants to do, he should go for it regardless of longer deployments or more risky work, and I’ve stuck with this through our entire relationship.


My family is also very supportive of his career choices and I know that my mom and her side of my family will be there to emotionally support me if he isn’t there at the moment. We have talked about having kids in the future, by the time I’m about 25, and by then he said he could try to change his MOS so that he could do something dealing with mechanics. Even if he’s not able to be there with me, I do believe that I’d be able to continue on while he’s gone. Of course I’ll be sad, but I do understand that as an adult, things need to be done.
I understand that a military marriage can be much more difficult than the average marriage, but I love him so much that I want him to be able to do whatever he puts his mind to, and I’ll do everything I can to help support him, even when it’s hard.
I would really love to do pre-marital counseling, and I’ll have to look into that and bring it up to my boyfriend!
Also, I wouldn’t marry him just because of the benefits lol, he just wants me to be able to have those benefits if I need them. If he decided to go into any other career, I’d still want to marry him and a have a life with him.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, I understand what you mean by that. I was mostly going under the impression that he wouldn’t pay for much (if anything at all) so I’ve started saving and talked to my boyfriend about that possibility, but my mom is trying to assure me that he would pay for what he could. I don’t really know how to explain the relationship I have with my dad. I know he loves me, he just shows it differently I guess. While he does get annoyed with me really often, he does help me pay for the things that I need. I hate to say it, but he isn’t always reliable, that’s why I told my boyfriend before he’d probably not do much to contribute.


I also agree with everything y’all have been saying about marriage being harder and I know it won’t be perfect. Truthfully, I don’t know what I want career wise, and I feel like I may not know anytime soon, but I do know that I want to be with my boyfriend. If I’m able to, I want to apply to college once I know exactly what I want, and my boyfriend and I have talked about that in case he’s deployed.
Thank you!! I’m sorry if I was a bit confusing!

View Quoted Comment This is a very thought out and mature response. I am sure if you speak this openly and honest to your dad he would be supportive of this. You would be amazed at how many young couples get into marriage and not know what to expect. It sounds like you are on the right track so I wish you both the beat of luck and I wish you BF the best of luck in the Army and Welcome to the Military Family!!

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for this!


I’ve been doing a lot trying to plan everything out, but I feel like I shouldn’t be doing things like that. I need to take time and actually reflect on myself because I know the future I’m thinking of isn’t guaranteed.
I know I don’t know what I want to do career wise yet, but I know for a fact that I want to be by my boyfriend’s side so we can experience life together (even if he’s in the Army).
I feel like I definitely need to reflect on these decisions and make sure I’m thinking things through completely though!

View Quoted Comment Of course! I only have a small plan for if I don’t go to college, but I definitely want to expand on my thoughts and find what would benefit my interests the most.


Also, I really love the idea of talking to my dad together! I definitely want to talk to my boyfriend about this so that we can do more financial and future planning so that when we do bring it up, we’re prepared to really have an in depth conversation with my dad.
I do believe my mom will help us pay for certain things, and she has told me that my dad would try too, but I’m just worried he’d be mad instead of excited like my mom was.
Thank you so so much for this!!

View Quoted Comment We won’t be able to move in together since he’s leaving for the Army next month, but I do think we’ve handled some major life changes throughout our relationship. Honestly there’s only two major ones I can think of, but they’ve heavily impacted both of us and we’ve done a lot to help each other through those hardships.


I have thought that he’d might want us to wait and I understand that too, I would be alright if he wanted us to wait, I just don’t want him to be mad. Me and my boyfriend are doing our own saving, but my mom’s side of the family has decided to help pay for a bit of what we need.
Thank you!!

View Quoted Comment Everything you have said is so important. Very good advice.

I know you didn't ask about school advice; but I would like to point out some things that you may not have considered.
- The first year of University is for you to figure out what you might enjoy studying. You can take a variety of subjects and sit in on different classes before choosing a major.
- There are certain mandatory classes. Even if you don't know what you want to study; validating these classes will get them done and out of the way so you can concentrate on what you want to do. County college might be best if you want an affordable education. Your credits will carry over should you wish to continue. - Education is never a waste of time. You will learn more than just course work. You will learn how to manage time, deal with stress, social situations and personal responsibility. There are skills that you will not learn in a classroom. -You will meet people who may change your life. These connections are opportunities, getting a job you or your FH love may be helped by a college friendship. -A degree is like a key, it gets you through a door. You may get through that door without one, but it's easier with it. Employers want to see that you can go from A to Z.-Finally, if you decide it's not for you, you can stop or take a break. 😊

I'm the mom of a 25 yr old daughter who got married last year to her high school boyfriend. They met freshman year and became an exclusive couple in the winter of their sophomore year. From pretty early on they had a strong sense they'd "be together forever." However, they also knew they had a lot to accomplish before they were ready to get married in order to be fully financially and emotionally ready. They went to different schools for the first two years of college, but then finished at the same university. They both worked nearly full-time and went to school full-time; it was exhausting at times, but they were determined to build a strong foundation for their relationship, careers, and their long term financial stability. They graduated from college in 4 yrs and got engaged. For the next 18 months, they planned the wedding and got established in their careers and saved as much money as they could. They got married the week of their 8th anniversary. Their love for each other only grew stronger over those years, but during that time they both grew and matured a lot. Things that were their top priorities right out of high school completely dropped off their radar within a year or two (including early career goals, extra-curricular interests, etc.). They had a chance to become completely financially independent and figure out how they were going to compromise and make decisions (they lived together for about three years before the wedding). All four of us parents were very supportive of their relationship, but, honestly, if they'd told us they were going to get married at 18 (instead of waiting until they were 24 and financially independent), we would have had a LOT of concerns. Yes, the military will provide for your basic needs, but as a brand new recruit, right out of high school, I'd expect your financial situation to be VERY tight. As a pp mentioned, when one spouse is in the military, they "own" you...you'll go where they send you. It could be a small town in the middle of nowhere with few job opportunities or in a major, and high cost of living, city.

Also, I've been a college professor for more than 25 years. As others have said, most college students start out unsure about their direction, that's what college is for. But, I'd also encourage you to be realistic about how easy it will be for you to pursue your degree -- online or on campus -- especially as part of a military family. Those moves can be very disruptive to an education. I've had both active duty and veterans in my classes -- they are some of my favorite students, but their lives are not easy; it's often a constant juggling act. Is it possible you can marry at 18 and have it work out? Sure, anything is possible. But if you are truly meant to be together, there's really no downside to taking your time. He can get his early training out of the way and get a couple assignments under his belt while you start your education and begin to build a work history. Long term, it's very difficult to support yourself on a "college student type job," but if you're pursuing a college degree or some type of technical training, that will help you obtain a career that will pay substantially more in the long run and that will potentially make both of your lives much easier. You sound like a bright young woman. I agree with others who encouraged you to take some time to learn more about who you are as an individual before you get married. Good luck to you!

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for the school advice! I have lots of friends that already have everything planned out, but when I ask questions I never really understand, and the counselors don’t help me very much.


I did know that the first year of college is for “figuring it out,” but I’m just worried that even after that first year I won’t know what I want. I think it’s just hard for me to come to terms with not actually having a plan, since I’m the type of person who feels very comfortable with a plan.
I definitely want to learn skills that can help me through life, whether that be in the classroom or being an actual adult. While I know that going to college in general will not be a waste of time, I’m just worried that I will be spending too much time on something I find I’d rather not do in the future, I feel like that’d just push me back.
I would love to meet new people and I know that with new people come new opportunities, I think that is a great part of college. Also I absolutely agree with the degree part. I feel like it’s important for me to have a college degree, I just don’t want to have the “wrong one” for me, if that makes sense.
Thank you for all your help!

View Quoted Comment

You probably already know this, but if you haven't yet, be sure you very carefully research the military spousal benefits related to education. (And, realize military recruiters might, hypothetically, over-promise.... Do your own research and fact-checking.) My understanding is that initially the benefits are pretty limited to an AA degree or technical training, with a fairly low financial cap (I think $4000 max over no more than 2 yrs -- and that's subject to approval of the program, etc.), beyond that, say for a BA, the coverage is subject to tons of rules (related to spouse's yrs of service, commitment to staying in, and/or becoming disabled, or, unfortunately, dying while on active-duty...) and those funds primarily are scholarships and need-based (and subject to funding availability, competitive application, etc.). So, it's not like the basic VA education benefit afforded to the veteran themself after a certain amount of service. Just make sure you're not being overly optimistic about the benefits that will be available to you.

Financially, you might be significantly better off to pursue your AA on your own at a community college while your fiance is going through basic and his early training/assignments -- and you'll potentially have much more freedom regarding the path you take. Part of my teaching load has always included at least one General Education course (the types of courses all college students take during the first 2 yrs, and are almost always the core of an AA degree). I always have at least one student (sometimes several) in each of those classes who started the semester as some other major, but then based on the exposure to content in my class decided to switch to the major I'm in. The whole point of an AA-type program (or GEs in a 4-yr university) is to expose students to basic core ideas and help them develop writing, critical thinking, and other skills that will serve them well -- both in future education and more importantly, in LIFE, regardless of what they do. If you haven't yet, I encourage you to meet with an admissions counselor at your local college(s), both two-year and four-year, and talk with them about your potential options -- there's no commitment; they'll be more than happy to chat with you. Again, good luck.

My partner and I have been together since we were 16 and 17. We got engaged at 21 and 22. We'll be getting married at 23 and 24, after 7 years together. We discussed marriage young and decided it was best to wait, after some familial pressure. Looking back, we both agree that there was no need to rush. Marriage is exciting, but there's no need to rush into it. Dating and being engaged are things you'll never experience again if you're married for life, so enjoy it while you can! There is no need to rush things. I agree your dad should know, but in all reality you shouldn't be offended or anything if he tells you to slow down.

Also, it's no longer the standard that the bride's dad pays for a lot, so don't expect that at all. If he offers money, that's one thing, but if not you need to plan the wedding you and your boyfriend can afford.