Beginner October 2020

Bridezilla vs. standing up for yourself

Brittini, on September 20, 2019 at 12:27 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 25
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How do you know when you’re crossing the line when you put your foot down? My parents are paying for most my wedding and I’m very very grateful and understand they don’t have to do that and therefore I need to respect their wishes. I do love them and know this is a huge step for them too not just me. But when can I put my foot down with certain decisions? I’m not trying to be hyper-controlling but this is obviously a big day!! Some people keep telling me it’s “just a day” and that “in the grand spectrum it isn’t a big deal”. But that kinda just makes it seem less special and not meaningful if you put it that way. So what do I let go and what can I be picky or particular on without seeming like the dreaded bridezilla we see on ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ ? An example I guess would be the guest list. My parents have only just recently started hanging out with this couple and their kids. They have this close group of friends who all us kids call “aunt” and “uncle” due to the fact our true relatives live in another state. Because this couple and their kids have just joined the “friend group” I wasn’t going to invite them to the wedding. They don’t know me and I don’t know them. I have limited seating and would rather fill 4 seats with 4 people I want to be there. When I finally let my mom have her way to invite the couple I stated that I’d rather not invite their kids. I do have some kids invited to the wedding but I’m trying to keep it contained if you get what I’m saying. Am I over reacting? (Probably) but when is enough enough?


  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·

    Some people think that there shouldn't be strings attached to money, but there almost always is. The general rule is "no pay, no say." It is a little difficult to stand your ground when you have to turn around and ask for money. If you want to stand your ground, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. That is just reality. So, really you need to decide how badly you want their money and if standing your ground is worth it to say no to their money.

    In the example you gave, that shouldn't even be an issue. Your parents are paying so they get a big say in your guest list. If you are inviting kids but not the friends' kids, then this is considered rude. I would let this issue go.

    The difference in being a bridezilla and standing your ground has to do with entitlement. If you feel entitled to certain things and expect those around you to do those things, then that is being a bridezilla. However, if you have an agreement for certain services and that agreement is not being fulfilled, or someone is mistreating/disrespecting you and you speak up for yourself, then that is standing your ground.

    You ask when is enough enough . . . when it gets to the point that you and your partner decide to do what you want, how you want, with your own money.

  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica ·
    It is really common for parents to expect certain people to be invited to a wedding whether they are paying for the wedding or not. But since they are paying for it, they can dictate how their money is spent. If you don't want them to be this involved then you need to pay for the wedding yourself. Otherwise, you have really no choice but to allow them to make decisions because they are ultimately the ones affected by those decisions.
  • Jennifer
    Super September 2020
    Jennifer ·
    The word bridezilla is thrown around as an insult to a bride for anything from like the color purple to wanting to exclude certain mucus genres. That's the whole point of planning your wedding - having things you like and excluding things your dislike. I had someone say it to me recently and it was totally out of context (I don't want a certain type of music played which is totally normal considering DJs ask you this 😂😂).

    I think you are 10% correct in not wanting strangers at your wedding.
  • FirstTimeMOB
    October 2018
    FirstTimeMOB ·

    Unless you have parents who truly hand all the control over to you, if they are paying they get a say in the guest list.

    We handled it differently for my daughter...we essentially told her and her now-husband how much their budget was and gave them pretty much full control, including over who made the cut on the guest list. It actually made it really simple for me if anyone asked 'am I going to get an invite?' because my stock answer was 'my daughter and her fiance are compiling the guest list - I have no idea who is on it'.

    They got the wedding they wanted with the family and friends that meant the most to them. Coworkers made the cut over some extended family, and we were perfectly fine with that.

  • Krissyl
    Devoted October 2019
    Krissyl ·
    My parents are paying for most of the wedding but I have not sat back and let them decide everything. I have involved them in every step and agreed to certain things not because they are paying, because they are my parents and i want them happy. If they weren't paying a dime I'd still want to do what they want if I can so they're happy. I dont agree with the "no pay no say" since paying for the wedding is a gift and shouldnt be a manipulation tool. It's still your day and you and FH opinions and wants are most important! Can you tell your mom that she can invite X amount of friends and then whomever she puts on that list is who you have to invite?
  • Amber
    VIP February 2020
    Amber ·

    My parents are paying for roughly 70% of our wedding. For the most part, they've let me do it how I want aside from mom going crazy with décor ideas that just don't fit my vision, but not a big deal. They did however give me a pretty hefty guest list (at least 30 of their friends I've known since I was a kid or family I don't know at all when we're only inviting 100 people). At first I fought back on this because I'm not close to any of those people and I wanted an intimate wedding, but my dad got all mad and said "The bride and groom aren't the only people that get to invite people to the wedding". So I accommodated most of the people on their list, aside from people that literally have never met me before and they were willing to compromise on that.

  • Alyssa
    Devoted June 2020
    Alyssa Online ·

    If them inviting 4 people is the kicker to them paying for the entire wedding, let it go, elsa.

  • J
    Devoted July 2020
    Jaime ·

    That's a tough one. Since they are paying for most of the wedding and you have accepted this help instead of paying for it yourself, I do think that allows them some decision-making on guests. I don't think you need to be completely railroaded and you should speak up, but it is harder when you aren't paying. Can you sit down together with a guest list including the people you want to be there? Are these 4 people they want to invite going to bump your friends you want there?

  • Sara
    Devoted February 2020
    Sara ·
    It's really nice that your parents are able to help you out with funding the wedding. Just ask yourself.. Is it really going to ruin your day if a few extra people, who your parents want to be there, are invited?

    FH and I are trying to pay for the wedding ourselves (trying because we have to keep saying no thank you to offers to help with the cost) and I wouldn't want to pay for people I don't know well to come. It's expensive. But, if I wasn't paying and I didn't have a reason to oppose a few more people..i would be okay with it.

    I've been kind of grumpy with people adding things to our wedding that we have straight up said we didn't want to do..without even running it by us first. For example, we didn't want a rehearsal dinner or anything the night before the wedding but now there's going to be a casual get together the night before the wedding forty minutes away from our home and the hotel we have blocked..even though they said it's for the out of town guests. They don't want to do it at the hotel (where I can get a gathering room for free) because they want a bar. I'm not going.. I won't have time for that and my kid needs to be in bed by 8. Also..they decided they want to rent a bus with the hotel we have blocked. We didn't want to do that because they give two small shuttles for free..and the hotel is seven miles away from the venue. We wanted the shuttles but getting a bus takes them away because that's an either or thing. It's too late to say anything because a bunch of family members were already asked if they wanted a bus.. Maybe if we were asked I would feel differently but it was just a "hey we are doing this" conversation..
  • Jordyn
    Dedicated November 2020
    Jordyn ·
    So my parents are also paying for my wedding so I really thought I’d kinda have to go along with whatever they want. But I told them I wanted a small wedding and I didn’t want people I didn’t know there and they were actually very understanding about it. If I let them invite everyone they wanted there would be an extra 40-50 people there and it wouldn’t fit in the venue. For the guest list I made it with my FH while on a road trip so I just had them look at it and if they needed to add anyone we would discuss it. I always listen to their ideas and everything but I know what I would like my wedding to look like so I nicely hold my ground. If I think it’s something that would turn into an argument I consider it a lot and then always explain why or why not.
  • Jordyn
    Dedicated November 2020
    Jordyn ·
    I also want to add one more thing but can’t edit my comment on my phone for some reason. On certain things my dad insists on, I always remind him that the way I want my wedding would ultimately save him so much money and that usually reminds him that the small things (like one or two extra people) adds up a ton!
  • B
    Devoted July 2017
    Becky ·

    The four your mom wants to add are probably not the only people there who will be unknown to you. Your FH likely has guests invited who will not be known to you. We each had a table full of guests who were unknown to us. It didn't make any difference. You're going to spend *maybe* three minutes talking to these people, in the long run it won't make any difference on your wedding day. I agree with Alyssa - let it go - it's not like mom is trying to plan your wedding for you (picking a bunch of stuff you don't like, etc.).

  • Brittini
    Beginner October 2020
    Brittini ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Agreed! They WANT to pay for the wedding. And if they didn’t -I- would pay for it. I CAN pay for it. But then if I pay for it that takes away from the “tradition” of the parents paying and they don’t want that. They want to be able to help. The list we’ve compiled so far is I’d say 65% my mom 20% my dad 10% is my FMIL and FFIL list and 5% is left for me and my FH. I don’t have a lot of friends and neither does Alex (Fiancé).
  • Brittini
    Beginner October 2020
    Brittini ·
    View Quoted Comment
    And that’s the thing. Kids add up. +1 add up. I’m not trying to make a big deal out of these 4. It was just an example of one of the things going on. A lot of people on my parents list know me but I don’t know them however I know they have a special place in my life whether I remember or not. My parents WANT to pay for the wedding. I tried even paying for my dress that was over the budget my mom and I talked about before we went in and she wouldn’t let me. She said that it was her honor to do it and to not take it away from her.
  • Brittini
    Beginner October 2020
    Brittini ·
    View Quoted Comment
    It’s not. I was just using this couple as an example of one of the many things they have decided for me. A lot I’ve kinda let go because I have other things to worry about. And they’re not paying for the whole wedding either. My FMIL and FFIL are paying a lot into it as well. I don’t mind people I don’t know there because I know there’s people who have been in my life without me knowing. But these people haven’t been hanging with my parents for more than a couple months now which is why I used them as the specific example.
  • B
    Expert March 2020
    B ·
    If you have to exclude 4 of your close friends for people that barely know your family I think you are completely correct to argue it.
  • Kat
    Expert May 2019
    Kat ·
    I think people forget that their wedding day is a really big deal for their parents too. It’s not just your milestone and celebration, it’s also theirs. It’s exciting to see your children get married! IMO parents have the right to share that celebration with their friends and should be allowed (even encouraged) to invite them (especially if they’re paying). I also think they should get some say in how the day goes. That being said, you’re not a bridezilla if you push back on things you feel strongly about (and let your parents push back on things THEY feel strongly about). Wedding planning is always a compromise for everyone involved!
  • Elizabeth
    Dedicated June 2021
    Elizabeth ·

    I think letting their friends and children come is something you can "give in" on, especially since they're paying and you don't really have to talk to those people if you don't want to. However, standing up for yourself doesn't make you a bridezilla unless you do it in a rude way. A nice diplomatic conversation that leads to a compromise isn't being a bridezilla; yelling at them and sounding ungrateful is being a bridezilla. If you're worried about being a bridezilla over this issue, I'm sure you won't have any huge issues with it!

  • Jordan
    Dedicated April 2020
    Jordan ·
    Gosh, I don’t understand anyone’s opinion on this. Here’s the thing- if your parents are paying, that’s cool and all but it’s YOUR day NOT theirs. It’s entirely up to them to pay. So this whole “no pay no say” that’s definitely not true what so ever. I have never actually heard of that.

    Just try communicating with your parents and just tell them bluntly on why you don’t want kids invited. If they respect that it’s your day then they will respect your wish.

    Good luck!
  • Brittini
    Beginner October 2020
    Brittini ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you so much 😊

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