ThatGirl
Super January 2019

Bridesmaids... how much matchy matchy? bm isn't cooperating...

ThatGirl, on June 30, 2018 at 11:35 AM Posted in Wedding Attire 0 38
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So my gals are wearing the same dress, a floor-length Bordeaux colored number with a nude underlay. I figure I will likely buy and gift the typical jewelry pieces so that matches, because I think that looks nice.

What I am not 100% sure on is should shoes match? I had assumed yes, but I have one BM who's pretty vocal about not being a fan of any of the shoes the rest of us like, and I am not sure her motivation... if she truly doesn't like them, if she's worried about comfort, if she thinks they are too expensive... I think it may be this if I am going to be honest... (it's not a matter of affording, it's a matter of frugality)

She's also "not loved" other matching accessories that have been floating as ideas, such as faux fur wraps (It's a January wedding, and I am hoping for some outside-in-the-snow photos), and I will add, she's been a bit of a challenge all along... we had more BM dress shopping trips than I can count - more than a dozen. And if I have a single planning regret at this point it's the BM dresses.... I should have just picked and said "this is it" - I wanted to be flexible and have the gals be comfortable, but now I really don't love the dresses... I know this is my fault for not putting my foot down but I wanted everyone to be happy... and now that I am trying to accessorize this dress in a way that I at least like, it's killing me that I am getting so much push back.

I just don't know how to handle it...

38 Comments

Latest activity by Colleen, on July 1, 2018 at 2:46 PM
  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    If you want them all in the same shoe, you should be paying for that. Same with any other matching accessories. Personally, I’ll never understand BMs marching 100%. They’re all individual people that you love for different reasons, so why for your wedding would you want to not show that off in any way.
    • Reply
  • Tracy
    Dedicated October 2018
    Tracy ·
    • Flag
    I agree with not matching 100% bridal party. They are the to stand with you, not be your props. But if it's important to you that they all match, I think you should pay for shoes and accessories.
    • Reply
  • AJ
    VIP September 2018
    AJ ·
    • Flag
    I think it's fine to ask that their shoes all be the same color, but I would let them pick the style. If it's really important to you, you could even ask that they all be strappy, or flats, or sparkly. But they already had to buy a one-wear dress so I can understand them being picky about what could be one-wear shoes for some of them if they dislike them.

    I'm sorry to hear it was such a struggle to get dresses...but it's good that you asked them for opinions with the dresses. As tempting as it can be to just say "This is what you're wearing," it's so much better to make them feel valued and comfortable with how they look. I don't think it would be horrible for you to select and require a specific accessory, like the faux furs, but you should then pay for it.
    • Reply
  • Joining of the Factions
    Dedicated October 2019
    Joining of the Factions ·
    • Flag
    It depends on what you want, but I believe (as told to me) that if the bride wants their BM's to wear a specific type of accessory the bride purchases them as the BM gift (unless it is agreed that they are responsible for their own) because typically the girls purchase their dresses. I've been in/to many weddings where the BM's matched exactly. I think the not matchy-matchy thing is a fairly new concept, but as I said it all depends on the aesthetic you're going for. My BM's are not going to match (black dresses of which ever style they choose) but my MOH will be a little more "blinged out" than my 2 other BM's, however all bling will be silver and not yellow gold. It's all in what you're looking for.
    • Reply
  • S
    Dedicated September 2019
    Soon2Bmrse ·
    • Flag
    It's your day if you want 100% match then its your choice. They should want to make sure it's everything and not bicker about shoes or accessories. I personally prefer everyone matching I think it's looks nicer my own personal feelings. I never understood BM being drama queens. That's just selfish. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • S
    Dedicated September 2019
    Soon2Bmrse ·
    • Flag
    Correction they should want to make sure everything is stress free.
    • Reply
  • E&M
    Master July 2016
    E&M ·
    • Flag
    The bridal party is only responsible for buying the dress. Anything else that the bride requires should be purchased by the bride and are not considered a gift to thank your bridal party for standing by you.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    VIP July 2018
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    Shoes don’t need to match. I’ve been in weddings where we each chose a yellow shoe, one where we chose one out of three styles, one where we all got the same shoe... Many different ways. If she is so opposed to the shoes, maybe find out why.
    Also jewelery for your wedding is not a gift.
    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag

    The BM's are only required to get the dress of your choosing, and that is only in the US and Canada. In the UK the couple buys all the wedding party attire. You can bet that brides aren't as demanding about shoes and accessories there.

    if you want all the same shoes, you buy them, A thoughtful bride chooses a neutral color shoe, like nude, black etc, then encourages the BM's to wear a shoe of their choice in that color. If you want cute wraps for your wedding pics, you buy those too.

    Contrary to your own and a pp's statement, anything you require them to wear or use on your wedding day is not a gift. Their jewelry is a prop for your pics, not a gift.

    • Reply
  • Lincoln
    Savvy September 2022
    Lincoln ·
    • Flag
    At our wedding, our honor attendants will not match. Each girl will have a different dress and shoes. But, they'll all be the same color; and that color is the middle tone of the gradient suit jackets well be wearing. The one male honor attendant will have a grey suit. So, I'll be matching them, but not.

    As for you, communication is key. They know you're stressed, but sit down and have a talk with them. Let then know you're not trying to be difficult, and what you were trying to do. Then help pay for stuff if they need new stuff or can't return things (at least halfway).
    • Reply
  • ThatGirl
    Super January 2019
    ThatGirl ·
    • Flag
    I think I am ok with not identical shoes, as they will be basically covered with the floor length dress, but I do think they should still coordinate... My original plan was to give them a color / style and let them pick... then we had the dress experience... and I’m afraid given any freedom, this one bridesmaid going completely off script.
    • Reply
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    • Flag
    Let everyone choose a shoe that is actually comfortable to the individual. Happy feet equal happy bridesmaids. Unhappy feet equal unhappy bridesmaids. Which would you rather have standing with you and in pictures?

    I'll also say let them choose their own accessories, hair, and makeup. Same reasoning as above.
    • Reply
  • Victoria
    Super May 2019
    Victoria ·
    • Flag
    I’m just letting my BM choose whatever dress they like as long as it’s the same color and floor length. Everyone has different shapes/preferences so I don’t think you should make them all wear the same thing, what looks good on one person won’t look good on another.
    • Reply
  • OrangeCrush
    Super October 2017
    OrangeCrush ·
    • Flag

    My first wedding the bridesmaids were not required to wear matching shoes, as long as they were dressy black shoes I was good with it. If you are requiring a shoe then you should pay for it.

    No females in the bridal party this time!!! LOL!

    Jewelry your girls are required to wear on the wedding day is not a gift.

    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    Definitely agree that shoes should be the same color but whatever style they want. Personally I picked a color for the dress and I’m letting them decide which style too.
    • Reply
  • OG Gretchen
    Super June 2018
    OG Gretchen ·
    • Flag
    You should also do your outdoor snow photos without your bridal party. If it’s cold enough to snow,
    it’s too cold to make them stand outside in a dress that is probably satin or chiffon, even with fake fur covering their shoulders.
    • Reply
  • Heather
    Expert August 2018
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    My BM's are wearing black and picking their own dresses. Hey twin 😊

    This right here is part of the whole reason I decided a color and let the girls pick what they want. I just can't handle the whole "well the one BM doesn't like this but the other BM's don't like what this one does". Letting them choose elevates any and all stress when it comes to that.
    If you want specific shoes, jewelry, hair accessories, etc. for your BM's, it is up to you to pay for it. And it definitely shouldn't count as their gift.......
    • Reply
  • Heather
    Expert August 2018
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    And just to throw in there, do you really think people are going to be focused on shoes at your wedding? Especially if one BM has a different shoe? I really don't think people will notice......
    • Reply
  • MrsPreach2018
    Master August 2018
    MrsPreach2018 ·
    • Flag
    Honestly, I'm not a fan of the matchy BMs dresses. I picked the color for MOH and BMs, and the length. They each picked their own dress, shoes, accessories. I'm paying for hair and make-up, but they each will pick their own look.

    Let them pick their own shoes and accessories. If, it's something specific, you should buy it.
    • Reply
  • Kelli
    Expert August 2018
    Kelli ·
    • Flag
    I had planned on picking a dress and shoes then I choose the color and fabric from one place so the colors at least matched and I let them choose the style. With the shoes I realized that at least one of my bridesmaids cant even walk in heels and we will be on grass so forcing her to try could be disastrous and kinda ignorant of me. I told the girls to pick a neutral color but whatever style they want so they're comfortable. If you're forcing everything else I wouldn't force the shoes but if all your girls are comfortable wearing the style you're choosing and you're paying for them then it's your choice.
    • Reply

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