Bridesmaids Can’t put up money

Sorry you are getting dragged in these comments girl.

I am going to answer your question about what to do in the situation.

I would go ahead and let her know that is totally fine she cannot afford the bridal shower and go back and talk to your MOH about it. Tell your MOH to lower the costs if able to or have your friend sit out of your bridal shower after talking it through with all parties.

Ideally, it would have been nice if you were not involved and the bridesmaid had just talked to your MOH directly.

People should not have to be decline being in your wedding and being close to you just because they can't afford it. I can't believe you are willing to demote your friend because she can't afford to contribute to your wedding. That would make me feel incredibly hurt and undervalued if you told me because I couldn't afford xyz, I am less important to you and should just attend as a guest. I can't believe people actually think this won't hurt their friend's feelings.

A shower is an unneccessary gift grab and 200 a person for one is excessive. I assume each bridesmaid is contributin $200? You bring in catered food and have a willing relative host. What will that cost? Maybe 200 Total??? How many people are you inviting to this shower?

If she is your friend, it's unreasonable to ask her to spend that money on a shower when she is there for you, not to finance your wedding.

I think every bride should have a discussion with their bridesmaids and especially their MOH about what is expected of them BEFORE anyone commits to being in a wedding party. The expectations from bride to bride and wedding to wedding can vary A LOT and its possible this is the first time your friend is being a bridesmaid or has been a bridesmaid in other weddings where less was expected. Unless you tell your bridesmaids upfront about what you are hoping for, there is literally no way for them to know whether being a part of your wedding is going to be a weekend of their time and a few hundred dollars, or involve many days of parties and planning, several flights and many nights in hotel rooms, and cost them thousands. My own MOH simply needed to buy a floor length dress in a color family I specified, give me advice via text on various wedding related things, and be available/present for our wedding weekend. Her total required financial investment is a couple hundred dollars for her dress and gas, as we are either paying for everything else or its optional. She's one of several bridesmaids in another wedding and it's already looking like being in that wedding will cost her several thousand dollars for the wedding and bachelorette alone. There's just too much variability to assume your bridesmaids know what they are getting themselves into unless a frank conversation is involved.

I think its totally fine to tell your bridesmaid to discuss any concerns with the Maid of Honor at this time. She may not realize the etiquette of bridal shower planning, so she might just be reaching out to you because she knows you and doesn't know the MOH. It might also be helpful for you to lay out with your bridesmaids what you are generally expecting. You should leave space to discuss if any of them feel like its not something they commit to and would prefer to just be a guest at your wedding instead of a member of the bridal party.

Why is the MOH demanding a certain amount of money from the bridesmaids for the shower? She should be asking if others want to help with hosting the shower and how much those people are wanting to spend, not planning something and sending others a bill without any regard for if they want to co-host or can afford the amount she's asking. It sounds like the MOH needs to be reined in. Is this bridesmaid not close to the MOH, or is the MOH not listening to concerns about the costs for the shower? These are reasons she may be telling you about this.

And no, you shouldn't drop a bridesmaid just because she can't afford an outrageous amount for a shower. Bridesmaids aren't required to host showers.

View Quoted Comment This! Also, no one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. No one is required to put away loads of cash or time to help with centerpieces. Their only requirement is to show up on time while wearing the chosen attire.

I think this is something your MOH has to discuss with her (with regard to the bridal shower alone).

We will be having all our attendees for my hens pay for their own 'tickets' (expenses for the night) but for a bridal shower people generally tend to give gifts.

I am not sure if the MOH asked her to contribute to hosting it, but perhaps she can talk to her about helping out another way.

As for her income, just because she spends money on things she wants to, doesn't mean she is obligated to spend big on your day.

My bestie knows I go on holiday each year and I am not going to her wedding because I can't justify the expense (destination wedding) for such a short time frame, even though yes I go on holidays each year!

I’m with Neeva... sorry. I cringed when I read your post because I knew you were going to get beat up over it. Just know that some of us are empathetic about your situation. I personally do not have advice other then, talk to you MOH about your concerns and let her handle things even if that means having a discussion with your wedding party and find out what they can actually afford then choose the venue and details based off what the new budget is. Good luck! It’s gonna be great hon!

View Quoted Comment I second this. She’s your close friend so of course she feels comfortable telling you she can’t afford to spend that much. You also mentioned that you see her in school, so perhaps school , maybe work or even bills causes her not to be able to afford $200 for your shower. And honestly, that’s a lot of money. I understand you don’t want to know the details but I think you should tell her it’s okay she can’t afford it then talk to your MOH about the cost being expensive. That’s basically over $1,000 for just a shower. All you need for a shower is food and a few decorations. You could even suggest To your MOH that your bridesmaid make something and bring to the shower to cut down on costs. I don’t think you should make it a big deal and then end up losing a friendship over this. If she has already bought her dress then she has done her part. hope this helps!! And good luck 🙂

I'm sure she came to you because she knows you better than the MOH. And your MOH should seek therapy if she thinks a $1,400 shower is appropriate.

I would never expect my bridesmaids to pay for anything but their dresses. I know that my friends don’t have a lot of money. I am helping them pay for their dresses and do not expect them to pay for anything else. I would hope you wouldn’t cut her off because she can’t afford it. $200 is a horribly large amount of money to expect a bridesmaid to pay for a party. Good luck

View Quoted Comment Well stated 😉

I would talk to my MOH about the situation. Perhaps the MOH is comfortable absorbing the extra costs. I had a similar conversation with mine. I simply explained to the MOH that she may have a hard time with the BMs helping her pay for the $2100 shower that she was planning. (I live in Northern California... everything up here is ridiculously expensive). She may want to rethink the party she was planning or be prepared to foot the entire bill. She’s now in the process of planning a less expensive shower.


Good luck to you. I’m sorry you are getting raked through the coals...some of the comments are a bit harsh.

My girlfriend had the same problem with her friend (the bride) and you know what did? She kindly declined being a bridesmaid because her friend knew that she was going to be an intern and was not going to get paid for it...but somehow she forgot about that and didn't consider it when looking for dresses. My girlfriend just saved herself over $270 on ONE SINGLE DRESS.

So the best option in your case is to ask your bridesmaid what their budget is. If they can't afford it, sorry to say...but I don't think they will be able to be a part of your wedding, unless you are willing to purchase everything or most of the things needed for them.

CONGRATS AND GOOD LUCK ON YOUR WEDDING!

Wow is all I can say. When I planned my wedding my friends and family Came first in deciding where the venue would be and what it would cost everyone. I first made sure my BM could afford their dresses By allowing them to choose their budget than working with them. They are happy and excited. Family and friends being present for the big day is way more important than bridal showers, expensive BM attire and all those other little stresses that take away the real reason you said YES.

Wow. You would rather not have her be a bridesmaid than have her not help to pay for a shower for you?

My best college friend, “M” got married a couple years back. I was honored to be her MOH, but that all changed after the bridal shower. I spent $300 on the shower, and M made me send her photos of all the decor before bringing it to her moms house (the shower was at her mom’s house but I funded the entire thing). M approved maybe 1/3 of the decor I’d bought. Some of what I purchased were supplies for DIY items, and I sent her a sign I’d painted. She asked me to change the yellow paint to green when it was already dried, etc., just really minute stuff like that and quite a lot of it. The day of the shower, one of the other bridesmaids told me she could no longer afford to fund the bachelorette party, so she wanted me to. When I explained I couldn’t afford that, she picked a battle with me and M sided with her. About a week later, M’s mom sent me a nasty email, and asked me to step down as MOH. I accepted, and our friendship took a major hit. I’ve talked to her maybe 4x since then, and we never discuss her wedding. Don’t be like M. Don’t be a bridezilla and throw your friendship away over money and your idea of “what a bridal shower should look like”.

Wait! Save and put money away?? For YOUR wedding?? Lol. No no no! A bride’s wedding is not a part the BM’s savings plan. She has the dress and that’s pretty much all she really needs to be a bridesmaid in your wedding. If you have 7 BM’s spending $200 each ($1400 total) is a bit excessive for a shower. She’s smart. Heck, I would decline too. Your friend actually doesn’t have to participate in the shower and can be there for the rehearsal and wedding day. The other stuff isn’t necessary anyway. My only suggestion is.... don't treat her differently or negatively simply because she was upfront and honest about what she won’t pay for.

As someone who’s been in this situation, it’s extremely hard to say no to being a bridesmaid for one of your good friends wedding. She’s trying to be upfront and honest with you without hurting your feelings. I suggest that you are understanding to her and ask her to do whatever she’s comfortable with. A wedding is a special time, but it’s not worth losing friendships over it. AND that is very expensive for a bridal shower.

View Quoted Comment I 100% agree!

I'd be so embarrassed if my MOH was demanding anyone in my bridal party fork over $200 for a shower. $200 x how many people? That is insane. Your bridesmaids are your VIP's and presumably you chose them so they would stand up with you, not throw you expensive parties. If my bridesmaid came to me with any concern about paying for anything, I would bend over backwards to make sure she could be in the wedding no matter what.