Ruth
Just Said Yes December 2020

Bridesmaids Can’t put up money

Ruth, on February 3, 2020 at 12:30 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 55
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So I just got engaged on NYE and one of my 7 BM knew I was going to ask her and knew I was going to get engaged. I am getting married this year so I knew it would be a bit much on the girls to go and put money away for the usual things a BM pays for. She just is informing me that she can’t afford 200$ for my shower. Now 1. I don’t know why she is telling me this because I’m not in charge of the planing my MOH is. 2. I don’t know why she said yes if she knew everything was happening this year and she could not afford it. I don’t know how to tell her to just talk to the MOH about it nicely because it’s was just an estimate cost. She has time to save and put money away. I know nothing about the planning of the shower and I want to keep it that way.

55 Comments

Latest activity by Amanda, on February 11, 2020 at 10:13 PM
  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
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    Personally, I would be thankful she is letting me know this now and not a month before. Sure, she should have just declined being a bridesmaid but to keep it from causing problems in your friendship, I would just let her know that you understand and that she can just attend as a guest. If she is already saying she can't pay for things, I wouldn't put pressure on her or make her feel awkward about it.

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  • Ruth
    Just Said Yes December 2020
    Ruth ·
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    I would but we already got the BM dresses.
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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
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    So I know we have a grand view of what our bridal party is required to do, I blame TV mostly. But your bridesmaids are not required to pay for anything other than their dress, and even then you should be asking their budget for the dress before choosing one. She probably told you so it's less embarrassing because MOH's have a tendency of getting a bit feisty once they are in charge of planning. If she says she can't pay it then end of story, she doesn't have to pay it. Honestly she doesn't owe you or anyone anymore of an explanation. Being in a bridal party should not strain your close friends. As the bride it is your responsibility to make sure your ladies aren't being put in a hard spot. You can easily tell your MOH that you don't want to know details of planning, but that it's a bit pricey for some of your ladies and to please make sure she's being respectful of their budgets.

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    She accepted because she's your friend and wants to support you on your wedding day. It's not her responsibility to throw you parties or pay for parties that someone else is hosting for you.

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  • Ruth
    Just Said Yes December 2020
    Ruth ·
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    I just want to be reasonable. And not make it awkward if I have to tell her maybe she should be just a guest. I see her everyday due to us going to school. But I also know she buys things like she has no problem with money. Like concert tickets, make up, bags, trips and other things
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  • Ruth
    Just Said Yes December 2020
    Ruth ·
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    From my understanding and experiences it’s always been on the BM to throw the shower and pay for it. And she has been in weddings before.
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  • Ruth
    Just Said Yes December 2020
    Ruth ·
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    Also when it came to the dresses I only picked out the color and then cheapest dress I could find. I know it’s only for one day I don’t want them to spend a whole lot of money. Due to pass experiences.
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  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
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    Ok well if she already has the dress, then I would just let her know that she isn't responsible for any other costs, which she isn't. Is it possible that she has already spoken to your MOH and she is the one that told her to pay $200 towards the shower?

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  • Sylessia
    Dedicated March 2020
    Sylessia ·
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    While she may be able to aground those kinds a personal things it is still not her responsibility to pay $200 for your shower. That a bit excessive. Plus you shouldn’t count her pockets just like you wouldn’t want someone else to count yours. She paid for her dress which is all she had to do to be a bridesmaid.
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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
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    Being in your bridal party doesn't give you the right to scrutinize how she spends her money. Honestly, bridesmaids are not responsible for paying for your shower. Typically showers are small parties hosted by 1 or a few people BY CHOICE, not by force. It seems extreme and over the top to expect your bridesmaids to pay for your shower after she has mentioned she can't. A bridal shower is not a requirement of being in your bridal party. The fact that you think she should have to pay for unnecessary things or just come as a guest actually makes it seem like you don't care too much about her. I think it's you that needs to reevaluate your actions.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    You just said that your MOH is hosting the shower. Unless your BM volunteered, she's definitely not required to pay.

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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Whoa. Wait a sec? Are you really saying she should put her own wants on hold to pay for your wants? That comes very close to spending your friend's money for her. To charging admission to your bridal party.


    I understand you didn't plan the bridal shower, but she's coming to YOU because you are her close friend. If you care about her, you will respect her budget and not require her to throw you an optional party.


    I noticed you mentioned the bridesmaid dresses are already purchased. That's great news. That means she can still be your bridesmaid and not worry about anything else other than travel to your wedding.

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  • Ellen
    Dedicated September 2020
    Ellen ·
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    👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
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    It’s not her responsibility to “save up” to pay for your shower. Perhaps she has bills or other things she needs to save up money for? Even if she technically “can” afford it after she saves up, that doesn’t mean she has to pay for it if it’ll be a financial strain on her. Maybe she needs that money for food, rent, things for herself, etc. As long as she buys a dress and shows up to your wedding she is completing her responsibility as a bridesmaid
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  • Springbride
    Dedicated 0000
    Springbride ·
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    She probably told you because she is most likely closer to you than she is to your MOH, and it was probably hard for her to tell you that she couldn't afford it. My mom is thankfully throwing my shower but I know that's not how everyone does it. I had one of my Bridesmaids tell me recently that she didn't think she could afford everything (BM dress, shower gift, wedding gift, bach party) and I understand when you say your friend spends money on other things my bridesmaid does as well but when it comes down to it I told her not to buy me a shower gift and she doesn't need to get me a wedding gift because I would rather have her stand up and be there with me than have her spend money for gifts.

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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    Bridesmaids don’t have to pay for your parties. That’s just not how it works. Those things are extras. They should be able to have as much or as little involvement in the parties as they can or want, but in no world is there a requirement for them to fund a shower, or even a bachelorette. With a bachelorette I do believe there’s some expectation for attendees to pay their own way and even often split some of the bride’s expense but it is Not a Required Event. It’s fine and common for people, even bridesmaids, to skip out on attending due to costs, and that’s okay. The shower however is absolutely not a bridesmaid’s financial obligation. Anyone can host a shower, and the host is responsible
    for costs. My bridesmaids were all involved in my shower — planning, decorating, coordinating games. But my mom and aunt hosted, and they footed the bill.


    If she’s paid for her dress and is paying the costs to attend the wedding, she’s absolutely fulfilling her financial obligations as a bridesmaid. I understand not wanting to be involved in the shower planning, but it sounds like she’s reached out as a friend because there’s an issue. My first move would be to tell her I’m not really involved in the planning, and to ask if she’d spoken to the Moh about it yet. Maybe she has and it didn’t go well, or maybe she’s uncomfortable doing so depending on their relationship, so I’d have that conversation and feel it out , to determine my move with moh, and then I’d have a conversation with Moh about how not everyone can afford what she’s asking for the shower. If MOH is planning but expecting funding from the other girls, it’s on her to discuss budgets and plan accordingly. Maybe that means simplifying the whole party. I understand not wanting to be involved in the planning but when there’s an issue that’s making some girls uncomfortable or have issues, it’s time to step in to help sort things out, and it’s important to remember why you asked each girl to be in your wedding to begin with— and hopefully that is because they are important to you and you care about them more than what kind of party they can throw you. My bridesmaids were my freakin’ world, having them by my side on my wedding day was really the most important part of their “role” and I would’ve done anything to ensure they could be there, including helping with travel or dress costs if there were any financial issues. And that’s for the wedding itself. All the other things— shower, bachelorette— are just extras.
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  • kymarmck
    Super March 2020
    kymarmck ·
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    I would deflect it onto MOH. My mom & MOH are hosting my bridal shower so they are the only ones paying for it. Mom paid the rental fee & food and MOH is paying for decorations.

    If your BMs did not agree to paying for your bridal shower, then she isn't responsible for paying any of that!

    None of my BMs are chipping in for my shower because they didn't want to pay for it after paying for dresses, alterations, and bachelorette party which is 110% reasonable! Plus they're not really involved in the planning so it made it easy for my MOH and mom to say no one is responsible for the cost except her and mom Smiley smile

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  • Theadra
    Devoted June 2021
    Theadra ·
    • Flag
    I have 6 bridesmaids and they are literally under the age of 25 (in my case) and all I wanted from them is just to buy the dress and be present on my wedding day. Yes , every single one of them work . But it’s not like they all have their careers set. I explained to them that I don’t need a bridal shower or a crazy bachelorette party. Hell, I told them that I don’t need that. We could go to the spa or stay somewhere a couple days before. I didn’t chose them in hopes of them spending money on me. Just be careful, I’ve heard a lot of horror stories with losing bridesmaid and even worse , friendships. I just think you should just accept what is or it could get worse . Hope everything works out.
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  • Tanyia
    Expert February 2020
    Tanyia ·
    • Flag

    Hold on... you have 7 BM and its $200 each for a SHOWER?? $1,400 for a shower???? I cant say you should be upset with BM -- that is HIGH.

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  • Tina
    VIP March 2020
    Tina ·
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    I was just about to comment on why a bridal shower is costing $1400 in the first place!!
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