Bridesmaid Willing Dropped Out

She told me she was crying when she made the decision and I just don't want her to be upset when the wedding comes and she isnt' up there. =/

I don't know what the proper etiquette is around this but I don't see a problem offering "financial aid" for a bridesmaid who needs it. I wouldn't make it public knowledge, but just between you.

That said, only if you actually want her there. If it's important to you to make her happy, then it sounds like it might be what you want.

Otherwise, she could do a reading during your ceremony or a speech during dinner, as other options.

I agree with May Bride A, dont make it public but I don't think it would be a big deal to help her out

It sounds like a very legitimate reason for her to back out, but I don't see why you should offer to pay for her to keep her in the wedding, especially because you said she basically invited herself anyways. If you want to do a reading during the ceremony, it would be great to offer it to her. I don't believe its right to try and keep secrets like this among a bridal party. Something always slips out and people become resentful.

I can't get over the fact that you don't want her in the bridal party - you said "relieved in fact - she kind of jumped into the wedding party on her own and I didn't have the heart to put my foot down"

If you didn't want her to join initially, why pay for her now?

I think i would help her privately and i don't think anyone else has to know.

I see nothing wrong with helping her out...no need to make it public knowledge..no one needs to know she is financially struggling...

Maybe give it a few months and in the fall if she still feels she doesn't have the money, I think a reading is nice. If she really _wants_ to be more involved than a guest (and only if), maybe ask if she could hand out programs and other ushering type stuff, if you don't have official ushers. And you can still ask if she'd like to look at bridal gowns with you if you have the room, something like that, so she feels included.

You said you didn't want her to be in the bridal party anyway; why would you offer to pay for her? Just let it be, she's made her choice. ETA KPizzle already said this, sorry! But still.

Also, the fact that she told you she was crying when she made the decision honestly sounds manipulative, like she's trying to guilt you into helping her. Idk. Just rubbed me the wrong way.

It's the norm back home if you ask so move to be in your wedding that you pay for them, I know it's different here but I'm sure if it means that much to you then you could gift her the dress just keep it between the two of you

If you can afford it, I think it's fine to help her without letting everyone else know. I offered to buy the dress for one out of my three bridesmaids because her life and financial situation is drastically different. In the end her grandmother offered to pay for the dress for her, but I was expecting to myself. But your friend made a responsible choice by dropping out now. Although it sounds like it was hard for her, it's probably more of a relief to not worry about the financial burden.

I agree with KPizzle and RATR.

You said you are "relieved." So it sounds like she did you a favor in a way. Just leave it alone.

@KPizzle, RATR, S&J: It's hard to explain - I'm relieved but still sad. She is one of my closets friends (and my relief may come from the wallet) and while she did invite herself - I let her because part of me wanted her up there.

I offered to pay for the dress for a friend who said no to being a bridesmaid due to financial reasons and I told her she doesn't have to get me gifts, pay for a bach party, or pay for a shower. She still said no :/ but I don't see anything wrong with offering if you really want her to be a part of it. Just make sure she doesn't ever mention it to the other girls because that would create a lot of drama and hurt feelings.

I had my best friend back out because she couldn't afford anything and lives far away. I didn't offer to pay for her dress and etc. Because it would have added up and it's not fair to others that are in the same position but making it work. You said you were relieved she wasn't in so I would leave it as is.

I get your point Sugar. Your wedding is still a long ways away and maybe around the one year out mark, talk with her again. I still don't suggest helping her financially and hiding it from the other girls, that causes issues (I know personally).

ETA: I had a bridesmaid back out too (different situation, she's pregnant and her due date is 5 days before my wedding), and I was definitely sad one of my best friends couldn't be with me on my wedding day. But, you get over it. Life happens. Everything is not always perfect.

I agree with everyone else. There's no shame in offering to help her privately. If she doesn't want to take the assistance, she doesn't have to.

ETA- if you still feel relieved about it, offer to have her do the guestbook or something similar. That way she's still involved and doesn't have to spend as much. She can wear a dress she already owns and can still be a part of your wedding.

I'd let it be. I had one drop out, and while I was really sad, I actually respected her decision. It was also due to financial reasons and she even said that in the past, she would have just gone through with it even knowing she couldn't really afford it. I am paying off my own debts, so I respect her journey and very mature decision.

Paying for her dress could become a slippery slope. While the other bridesmaids may not find out, there may be resentment if she's not actively participating in other things that may cost money (bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc.). Not that she has to be in any of those things, but if money precludes her from participating and she's the only one, it may cause some tension.

I agree with helping her privately, but honestly, a wedding isn't cheap for anyone and you might offend people. Do I have $500 I could spend on a dress, shoes, hair, makeup, bachelorette party and shower? Sure. Could it have gone to my mortgage or student loans? Most definitely. I think it's hard to explain that to everyone why you would do it for one and not all. Unless your wedding party is rolling in the dough, most of them have probably had to cut somewhere to afford to be in your wedding...

Maybe she is also worried about things like hair,makeup, shoes, showers, bach party, accomodations, etc. It isn't just the cost of the dress.