Bridesmaid ttc

No. You do not replace bridesmaids. Not only will you likely ruin your friendship with your TTC bridesmaid, but it would be hurtful to her replacement knowing that she wasn’t important enough to ask the first time around.

Don't replace her. How awful for people to know they're replaceable as your closest friends. And for the second choice friend who wasn't good enough the first time around.

Nooooooooooooooooooo


This is all so crazy I don’t even know where to start...
DONT replace her
DONT pressure her to drop out based on the VERY SMALL CHANCE her due date will interfere with your wedding
Dont put her in a situation where she has to decide between her life plans and your wedding party.

Just let it go. She’ll either be able to participate or she won’t. That’s on her end, and there’s nothing to be done on yours.

Wow! You "excused her from all pre-wedding activities", how generous of you. No one is obligated (not even BMs) to host, participate or attend any of these events.

You do not replace her, period! She is (apparently) one of your closest friends so she should be irreplaceable. You will likely hurt both her feelings and the new BM's feelings. The new BM is going to feel like a second choice/backup. If she is so important to you she should have been included from the start. I don't care what your excuses are as there are reasons why they are all incorrect (sides don't need to be even, etc.).

It is none of your business when your friend starts TTC. She has been open with you so far and I'm sure she will continue to share what/when she feels comfortable. If she is able to attend your wedding that is fantastic, if she isn't that is fantastic too because that means she has a new baby and as her friend, you should be happy for her.

Let it go, stop stressing and everything will work out on its own. Whatever you do, do not pressure your friend and do not replace her if she isn't able to be a BM.

To be clear I know you specified that you wouldn’t ask someone to change their family planning for your wedding, which is great. But I do think you have to tread very carefully there. Any suggestion that you might replace her might come off that way to her and even if you’re not trying to tell her to choose, she might still feel she has to. So my point is to just let things sort themselves out naturally

You really could have waited several more months from now to ask a wedding party in the first place.

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It's my fault that I wanted to give my girls notice to consider if they had PTO, enough time to order a dress, make any necessary childcare arrangements, start budgeting if they needed to, or let me know what concerns/limitations they might have to being a bridesmaid.

I think you're getting all worked up for nothing. Should she become pregnant and not be able to attend, then so be it. Don't replace her, don't "excuse her" from anything she's not obligated to do in the first place, and just be a friend. PS - I was a BM at 8 1/2 mos pregnant and another BM delivered just 1 week after the wedding.

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McSkipper - I completely understand what you're saying, which is why I feel awkward. I guess my issue is that during our call she is the one who brought up the likelihood of not coming. If I were in her position, I think I would have declined being a maid knowing the chance was in my control and existed. Thank you for your response.

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Thank you WED18. The other thing is that this is an out of town wedding for her, so there will be travel considerations. It feels more cruel to ask a 9 months pregnant woman to travel by car the distance she would have to.

Do they really need over a year out to get PTO and childcare arrangements? Even waiting 8 or 9 months out would be more than enough time to budget I think (besides what is there to budget for? Is this something they need to travel for? If it's for the dress, you should really ask their budget before you select one).

All this aside, do not "replace" a bridesmaid. A bridesmaid is not a photo prop, they are your friend. If you're worried about uneven sides, I promise you, no one will notice.

Thanks everyone for your responses - I think we all need a good gut check now and then

View Quoted Comment Well then don’t make her travel at 9 months? Like others have said if she is one of your nearest and dearest plan as though she will be there and if she’s not she’s not. It’s not something to stress over and it’s not for you to decide whether or not she will be able to attend any events including the wedding. She is not pregnant so this is all hypothetical and a non issue.

My friend was in a similar situation where she was asked to be in another friend's wedding out of town and then found out she was pregnant and her due date was right around that same time. She told the bride before she told most other people I believe, so was aware of it about 7 months before the wedding. The bride also didn't replace her.

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I guess I still don't understand the resistance to giving people more time to plan than less. The dress and travel are the only budgetary concerns. For many people it's out of town and I have asked their budget before selecting a dress. However, I also wouldn't assume about my friends' finances - what seems like an easy weekend away for me could be more difficult for someone else. One of my maids is in several weddings in the same year, and I wanted to make sure she could consider juggling everything before giving me a firm commitment.

"It feels unfair if I replace a bridesmaid and only give the new one six months notice."

That's unfair to do at any time. You never replace a bridesmaid, and make the original one feel like they're replaceable, and the replacement feel like second string. Gosh, how insulting, to both of them.

Also, I'd like to think you didn't mean it this way, but you make it sound like your bridesmaid had to ask your permission to get pregnant, and you so graciously said "fine". Her wanting to have a baby is more important to her than your wedding, and she doesn't need your permission.

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Giving permission was certainly not what I meant!

View Quoted Comment They can know what date your wedding is and when they need to travel without necessarily being asked to be a bridesmaid yet. What is there to juggle? Assuming she is a close friend she would be attending a shower and your wedding whether or not she’s a bridesmaid. She is not committed to do anything but be there on the wedding day in the chosen dress.

Don't replace her.

Just let this go. Really.

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Ok then. But to answer your question of "I guess I still don't understand the resistance to giving people more time to plan than less", the answer is, because if you ask only 6 months out, there's less of a chance that people's plans, or your relationships with them, will change in that time. For example, someone is more likely to get pregnant and deliver a baby around your wedding date if you ask them a year out, whereas if you ask them 6 months out, they might get pregnant by the wedding, but the chances of her not being able to attend for that reason are more slim.