Bridesmaid trouble

That’s horrible! I would passive aggressively say “I love positive energy, these are the vibes I want to be around.” I have made it clear to my bridesmaids and everyone around that this is a happy time and all I want is to surrounded with positivity. She has nothing nice to say, don’t say it!!! I hope she gets the hint!

As someone who has been married for 30+ years with a total of 9 SILs and BILs, you likely are going to be interacting with her for the rest of your life. I'd try really hard to be the bigger person. She sounds immature and selfish, but she'll still soon be your SIL. I understand it's frustrating/disappointing that your son isn't invited to her wedding, but I also understand why a bride would not want a baby/toddler at her wedding. If possible, I'd try to figure out a way to attend her wedding. If it's out of town, I'd see if someone you trust could travel with you to stay with the baby during the wedding, so you can attend with your husband. (Or, ask her for a referral for a trusted babysitter option.) I'd also let her continue as a BM in your wedding. To do otherwise is just inviting drama. The best way to deal with someone who is trying to push your buttons is to make it clear they have no impact on you. Focus on your FH, son, and friends and family who love and support you, and kill SIL with kindness and acceptance. If she keeps up HER bad behavior, it will likely become obvious to others that SHE's the issue and you've been nothing but kind and mature in your response. Her attitude won't ruin your day, but your reaction to her attitude might. You get to choose your response. Good luck to you!

View Quoted Comment It’s 100% insulting to give this, I definitely wasn’t serious about giving a contract but unfortunately people don’t know the etiquettes of being a bridesmaid. It’s too late since you’ve already asked her to be a bridesmaid so you can only control yourself and try not to let her get to you.

View Quoted Comment Ok sorry I was like umm if the bridesmaid had to work she really can’t attend a shower I am
sorry I thought you meant it. Hard to read tones on this

I say you should take the high road.
You asked, she accepted. There is no polite way to throw someone out of your wedding.

I wouldn't read in between the lines. You are busy, she is busy, life is busy. Don't look for trouble where there may be none.

We aren't having kids at our wedding, except for my stepson the ring bearer and the flower girl.

Everyone is just planning for a sitter. It wasn't personally directed at anyone and I'm sure her wedding is the same.
It is the brides choice.

You are worried about her ruining your day...but, the drama that will unfold if you take her out of your wedding, will last a lifetime.

Be the bigger person. Since she seems to be petty. Extend the olive branch and kill her with kindness.

It may defuse the whole situation

View Quoted Comment You are right about this contract being a bridezilla move. Terrible contract. Giving a shower is not and never has been a requirement for being a bridesmaid. Many bridesmaids volunteer, but showers can be given by any close friend or family, which means sometimes MOH and bridesmaids volunteer, as close family and friends. And sometimes only some of bridal party or none do. But to require it is like demanding a gift, as rude as can be. I have done over fifty showers as BM or MOH through the years, and a huge number as a friend or family, not in BP, as well. But the first time a bride told me she required I participate in giving her a shower, as a bridesmaid requirement, would be the absolute last thing I did for her wedding. Because anyone to require such a gift costly in time and money, is to demanding and controlling. I also would never accept being " required" to shop for a dress for the bride, as a job requirement. What a horror this contract is. . . . I do very much think every bride to be should have a phone or personal conversation, privately, with any prospective bridesmaid, no surprise proposals, and talk about date, schedule, cost of dress, travel or lodgings, any such expenses. But there are things brides never should demand: and showers , and any shopping for the bride or wedding stuff or planning for the wedding, should not be expectations. People who want to may volunteer. . . . If I agree to a destination wedding, I also would expect to do any rehearsal if needed, if already there ( would not necessarily come days ahead for one) and of course, be ready, groomed and with dress, for any photos before the wedding, and the wedding and reception. But what is this stuff about agreeing to follow an itinerary? Beyond rehearsal, a special RD or luncheon, or a welcome dinner, and the wedding, the bride and groom cannot expect a whole multi-days schedule for a whole wedding party all the days and nights surrounding the destination wedding, any more than the bride can schedule numerous a tivities in the days before and days following a regular wedding . Who wrote this contract, Bridezilla Incorporated?

View Quoted Comment I agree with you! There is nothing wrong with her wanting no children, even nephews, at her wedding. And your son will be over 15 months, fine to be with a babysitter at that age. ( I have 5 kids, and know.). OP is not reasonable expecting FI's sister to change the character of her wedding . And it is healthy for young children to learn to accept being cared for by parent substitutes for a period of hours, now and then, not always just mom or dad . If OP refuses to go to FI's sister's wedding because she won't get a babysitter, that is hostile and out of line . Second, it is not a negative character traits to work a second job or many hours at a primary job, in early years, before marriage and after marriage, before kids. It is a mature and financially sound start to a good financial plan for life. But realistically, someone regularly putting in 60-80 hours a week commuting or working, just may not have time for casual friend things for a while. OP wedding is 15 months away still, and people chosen to be bridesmaids ( something best not done sooner than 9-12 months ahead) cannot be expected to always be available for the 15-18 months before a wedding. There is nothing a bridesmaid needs to do before 5-6 months out, not a dress or anything else. So if FSIL cannot find time to hang out much now, that's life. Not some reason to throw her out of the WP. Choosing any family or in law's as BM means being careful not to make a mess of family relations by doing something like cutting a FSIL out unless she has done something outrageously bad, that everyone can see was wrong. OP needs to accept that her FI family has opinions, and a sense of humor, that a new spouse will take time to accept as normal. So, she does not think your choice of dress was flattering . So what? Not everyone is going to love it. As long as you are happy with it. FSIL is not tactful. Not a reason to drop her. And the most petty of all: you did not even show her the courtesy if asking her in person, or over the phone, though she is nearby . You sent her a message by telegram. So she sent a message by text. Where is the offense here? She accepted. Jumping up and down with excitement is not required. The wedding is still way in the future. Giving it time is a better move than dropping FSIL over petty things where her only offense was not to do what bride expected. She did nothing actually wrong.

View Quoted Comment Hi Judith, the contract can be taken completely out of context without knowing specifics of it, knowing me or the person who it’s intended for. I’m not serious about it, it’s a joke, I can imagine the drama and stress it would cause between us and I know our parents would get involved. My entire bridal party, 5 girls are family and all related to each other, one of which is our cousin who lives in Germany. She will be in NY for a limited time period so I told my bridal party that’d be the best time to go shopping for dresses since I’m allowing them to choose whatever dress they want because I want them to wear something they feel comfortable in. I told her the dates in advance and I wouldn’t be surprised if she missed it and said she has plans with friends because this often happens. If that happens, so be it because I’ve already told her the dates and she is an adult, I can only control my behavior. I’ve told her nicely what she can do for the wedding, not what she has to do because I also don’t want her to resent me nor do I want it to become a chore.

I did not demand anything from her, I agree if anyone told me I HAD to do something, I’d probably do the opposite. My friend is in a wedding and the bride told her she had to grow her hair out to be long! Of course, she cut it short and I said good for her!

View Quoted Comment You made it quite clear that you did not present her with that contract, not faulting you. 🙂 But the contract itself is awful. And I have seen similar ones online, and even in an older theknot wedding book . And they seem to take every thing any MOH or BM may ever have voluntarily done, and made things all BM requirements or job description. Some, like old knot book one , says bride should set a figure, $300-$600 that each bridesmaid should be told ( by bride!) that they will be required to kick in for the shower! I got that book as an engagement gift, and the knot editor was not kidding. Likewise, it has a 1 week before to one week after the wedding schedule of things BM will do . . . Bad as that model contract is, I do agree very much with your approach. Half the problems bridesmaids and brides have on here is differing expectations, causing fights, anger, disappointment. . . . And avoidable, if every bride takes time to talk to her prospective bridesmaid when asking, privately. Phone, or in person. And in addition to date, nature of wedding, length and location, discuss what bride hopes to see happen, and the way bridesmaid understands or believes things should be, and any issues she has with budget or time commitments. . . . As with you talking things out with your person. Work things out for a common understanding before any committments is made. This fad of surprise proposals, and people asking way too early ( before 9-12 months), with no discussion, causes too many misunderstandings .

Come on now... this is petty. She doesn't jump when you say jump and now you want to kick her out? Have you thought about how this may impact your relationship with your FH, FH with his sister and the entire family dynamic? I think you are stuck on this one... you can't rescind her involvement unless she does something really bad and FH agrees. You both have a role in the past, present and future. Only you have the power to ruin your wedding and based on what you've written, you are on the right track. Let. This. Go.

View Quoted Comment I mean do what you have to. Just remember that this will impact you and your fiancés future with his family. For all holidays other family events. It will also impact your sons future with his Aunt , uncle , grandparents and if there were to be cousins. If you feel she will ruin your wedding day there is no nice way to say it.

I agree with you. She is all drama and I wouldn’t want that part of my big day either. Just be honest to her with how you feel no matter what honesty is always best. Just tell her that it is best that she not be in the wedding party. It doesn’t seem like she wants to be anyways. She can’t get mad at you and cause drama over that. Tell her the truth and that it is probably best not to have her be a bridesmaid. You both want happiness & you think under the circumstances it won’t be a good idea. Family drama is difficult...my fiance’s Mom always feels left out and causes a lot of drama. She is extremely nit picky about everything and it has exhausted me to the point that I can’t stand to be close to her which is what she said she wanted to my fiancé. Anytime we try to do something to include her she always finds something to complain and cause drama over so I decided to put my foot down and tell her I wasn’t comfortable being close with her due to all the drama she caused this past 10 months and that it is best she not be involved in any planning. This occurred after she lashed out and b****** out my mom who is also my maid of honor. Some people are all drama and you have to do what’s best for yourself. I’m praying for you to have strength to stand up to your FSIL

View Quoted Comment I agree, expectations should be communicated someway somehow. I asked my cousin one-on-one prefaced it with “I know you’re busy but I wanted to ask anyway.” She agreed to be a part of it but wasn’t so enthused. The difference of reactions is interesting....my other cousin who is a bridesmaid was so touched and extremely excited, she cried, took a million pictures and wants to be a part of everything. She came dress shopping with me and is totally into it all. I didn’t expect anyone except my mother to come dress shopping with me, it’s nice that my other girls want to join and be part of all of these exciting moments. I appreciate their love and positive energy! To me, that’s the most important part about being in the bridal party! I just want to be surrounded by positive vibes 😎.

While she doesn't sound like a pleasant person, nothing she has done sounds like a reason to kick her out of the wedding. You were already having issues with her before you asked her to be a bridesmaid, so I'm not sure what you were expecting to happen. People don't change their personalities just because they were asked to be in a bridal party. Child free weddings are pretty common now and her choice for her wedding has nothing at all to do with you personally or your wedding. The rest of it just sounds petty.

The wedding is only one day, she will be family for the rest of your life. Kicking her out will likely cause more problems for years, if not forever. Is that worth it for just one day?

Although I haven't read all the responses, i had to think very carefully about asking one of my bridesmaids due having a narcissistic personality. So here's what i did: I asked her, but gave her the guidelines right away. I told her what I was expecting and hoping she could help with, and then I made the excuses for her.

If the kids are going to need too much attention that you won't be able to commit to some of the things i need help with, especially the day before and day of the wedding, etc.. So i gave her a way to back out. I didn't ask for an answer right away, because i really wanted her to think about it. I told her that if it was too much, then it was ok if she couldn't do it. And it would be fine.

She said yes, and i've already got a plan should things go sour. But if you set the expectations early, and then they fail to commit, then you can cut them from the bridal party - they knew what you were asking, they agreed to the commitment and they didn't follow through.

Granted, i'm not picky, and i don't care if I have uneven sides. Nor am I having a large wedding. I just know how to handle narcissists, especially this one. Did i mention this is my only sister?

Hope you find a solution that allows you the joy you deserve for your wedding!