Bridesmaid Trouble

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I never knew there was so much drama with bridesmaids until I joined this forum. We were only going to each have one person with us, and now we'll have two each - but our people are so chill and helpful about everything. I wasn't going to have a bridal party at all but as it turns out there are two people we each felt were close enough to warrant being a part of our day after all and in the end it was difficult to envision our day without them. So here we are.

I feel like so much stress between brides and bridesmaids is very much avoidable.

OP - kindly tell your BM that you'll take her advice into consideration but ultimately, this is you and your FH's day to plan how you see fit. If she wants to help, find something else for her to do that you know she'll enjoy and can do to your satisfaction. Otherwise, just let her show up and be a part of your day.

If probably be late to fittings too. Your wedding is so far away!

Seeing as my friends and family aren't replaceable I wouldn't be replacing any bridesmaids. IMO I think you are doing the "wrong thing"

I Dont bridesmaid should be replaced. If it didn’t work out for x reason I don’t think you should find someone else to replace them. And your BM should be more supportive. Tell her it’s heels and that’s it. Do you fear she will still wear boots after being Told not to? Maybe you girls can go out for lunch one day and let her know you are serious and these comments are bothering and stressing you. Maybe she is just joking around and not taking it serious.

The fact that you can so easily "replace" your bridesmaids is kind of a red-flag. If I were you, I'd hold off on asking people to be in your wedding party until the date gets closer. If not, you're probably going to end up losing a lot of friends in the process of firing them all one by one. We as brides have to remember that our friends' lives do not stop just because we are planning a wedding. It's not realistic to expect everyone to be at the same dress appointments at the same time as we all have different lives and schedules.

However, you do have every right to tell her that she cannot dictate your music or wear cowboy boots with her dress. At that point she can either choose to drop out of the wedding herself, or go along with your vision.

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I totally agree. Not worth firing a BM over but definitely worth having a conversation with her

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Exactly my thoughts! lol

All this time left and your replacing people already sheesh! Very early to have asked them maybe should have taken more time to figure this out. They don't need to look for dresses this soon and if they need to cancel there is nothing wrong with that. You can reschedule or they can go to the fitting alone when available and take pics. It happens, they have their own lives and sometimes its annoying i understand. Plus, if they are getting kicked out because they are helping you plan then stop asking for help. Plan this with your significant other or yourself so they know the decisions aren't their's but yours.

Its YOUR day not hers...

I haven’t even chosen dresses yet and my wedding is in 5 months... lol Im not all that concerned about it. My MOH is busy with 3 kids, my other BM lives 4 hours away. It’ll get done.

Why do they need to do all this a year in advance?? I wouldn’t be attending appointments or fittings now either. I wouldn’t be replacing people. They’re people, not props...if your BMs aren’t receptive to getting things done (what do they even have to do a year out),perhaps take a step back and ask why they don’t want to, and why you feel the need to “fire” them and “replace” them....

I don't think you needed to fire her and you certainly don't need to replace her. The right thing to do would have been to tell her that the bridesmaids will be wearing ___ and ____ , and that if she is not comfortable with your choice she is welcome to attend as a guest.That leaves the ball in her court.

She really doesn't have much say besides her budget for the dress and possibly the hair for the day of and the shoes. Don't think you should kick her out. Just tell her you appreciate the idea but you have already choosen the song list and will be wearing heals.

View Quoted Comment I didn’t ask her to create a playlist I asked her to be a bridesmaid and 2 days later she tells me she has 3 playlist I can choose from. I have also politely told her we are wearing this dress and heels; she’s tried to barter into wearing boots for the pictures and the remainder of the evening. I stated for the ceremony and pictures your matching and wearing the heels she keeps trying to barter a way around it. She’s also in another wedding later this year and the theme is country so she’s been giving me ideas on how to do ours.

View Quoted Comment I have stated we aren’t buying dresses until November as they take 3 months to get in in the color I want. But I asked for everyone’s opinion on the style as they are all different sizes and heights; I wanted opinion on heels so everyone could walk in them. I had my party registered so as they had extra cash they could just get the items without waiting until last minute. One of my BM in WI is getting hers later this summer as it’s her busy time at her job and she’ll have the extra cash ahead of time. There was no ordering of anything just wanted everyone’s opinion on if the dress looks good on everyone’s sizes, and if everyone can walk in the heels chosen.

The biggest issue I have is I have repeatedly told her we are wearing this for the day and she still tries to find a way to change my mind or barter herself into wearing heels. She’s asked me if my DJ will take requests becuase the new country bar has some great new dances we can learn. I have politely and nicely asked her to please back off and yet she continues to push the issue

View Quoted Comment I think I misinterpreted the phrasing about the asking/playlists in your OP. Thanks for clarifying.

She's excited about your wedding, and sounds like she's excited for the party. With so much time between now and your wedding, you just have to keep reiterating, "thanks for the ideas, but we have something different in mind."

You also just have to keep telling her "______ is what's been decided for the attire." Knowing now that she's also in another wedding where the theme is country, is it possible she wants the theme of your wedding to be similar so she can reuse things she has to buy for the other wedding? A prime example would be reuing her boots rather than have to buy a new pair of shoes for your wedding. Is the cost of the heels you want possibly part of the issue? Or is she the type who never wears heels and she wants to wear them for as little time as possible because she has a hard time wearing heels? Try asking her what her objection is to the heels. Maybe you could help her find a more affordable option or open it up to any heel or flat in the color shoe you want if there's a budget or foot comfort issue at play here.

And if it really is just that she likes boots, tell her that heels for the ceremony and pictures are non-negotiable, but you don't care if she takes them off or switches shoes after the reception starts.

At any rate, this is not worth kicking her out of the BP.

This is exactly why I'm not having a bridal party. Tell her no and keep it moving. This is unnecessary drama.

I would be up front with her. Tell her it’s your wedding and if she can’t get on board with what you want then she doesn’t have to be apart of it. Chance are she will back off and if she doesn’t then is she really a good enough friend to be a bridesmaid?

It's YOUR day, lovely! If your Bridesmaid is trying to take over control, then you should talk to her about the boundaries she is crossing that are raising red flags for you. If she can't handle not being in control, then maybe she doesn't need to be a bridesmaid. Maybe you could assign her a different task to help with since she is not respecting your wishes for the wardrobe and music decisions. Congrats, and don't let her get you down! I hope it all works out for you!

How did the first BM not show up for the fittings.... your wedding is still 14 months away: she could have changed sizes in 14 months so I wouldnt get a dress so early.

would you be ok with her changing into boots after the formal parts (ceremony, pictures, dinner ext) and she can change when the dancing starts?

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We were not ordering the dresses, I had asked at the time my 6 girls, we had 6 guys we had one drop out due to medical reasoning; if they would like to go look and see what styles are out their and see what they like, as I wanted their opinion. The BP asked me to please get a pricing early on roughly of what the cost will be so they can start putting money aside to order them on time. I obliged which is why we went to look the place we looked at called it a fitting, but took all the information so when they are ready they can just go order it without me having to be present. The first BM said yes as well as the other girls, I made an appt and she messaged me the day before, having had the date 3 weeks prior, to ask if it was next week. I stated it was tomorrow and the time. She said ok, she was an hour late to the appt with the reason she was playing with her dad's dog, and then abruptly left after 15 mins because he bf wanted her to go to a concert. I know it wasn't too big of a deal, but she was late and dropped the ball on other things I had asked for help with specifically. I found out later she was into some poor choices (drugs) and is currently trying to get help. When I said its best to look after yourself first and I am sorry, but your health is first and I need you to step out she lost it. I still am their as her support as she needs someone.

I have stressed to my 2nd BM that after dinner I do not care if she wishes to change into cowboy boots and wear them the remainder of the night, but she still argues it. I have had a serious conversation multiple times and I told its short dress and heels the end of the story if she doesn't like it she may step down. She keeps asking am I sure we can't make an exception. I have talked to my BP and my MOH who has talked to her and told her this is what I want. She still will not 100% accept it.

She may be being inappropriate- because it’s not her wedding, but I hope you aren’t losing too many friends!